# New Chick Tract, with a vengangce **URL:** \ **Category:** The BBQ Pit\ **Created:** [January 8, 2006, 7:02pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/new-chick-tract-with-a-vengangce/339037 "2006-01-08T19:02:28Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 20\ **Page:** 2
**Author:** ![FinnAgain](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/finnagain/32/12500_2.png) [@FinnAgain](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/FinnAgain)\ **Post date:** [January 8, 2006, 10:18pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/new-chick-tract-with-a-vengangce/339037/21 "2006-01-08T22:18:05Z")
> [@Linty Fresh](#): > > If _I_ were The Almighty, I’d go Spielberg on their ass! _From Finn’s Fundamental Findings_: If Steven Spielberg could do better at something than someone’s God, that person’s God didn’t do it. ---
**Author:** ![Lissa](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/l/85f322/32.png) [@Lissa](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Lissa)\ **Post date:** [January 8, 2006, 10:38pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/new-chick-tract-with-a-vengangce/339037/22 "2006-01-08T22:38:17Z")
I love this part: > [@](#): > > Will you be stubborn and pretend you don’t believe in God? So, every athiest is faking it? > [@](#): > > If you’re like the Chaplain, you’ll be with him to hear his screams. It’s sorta ominous if you say it like it’s in a movie trailer. ---
**Author:** ![Sunspace](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/sunspace/32/1250_2.png) [@Sunspace](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Sunspace)\ **Post date:** [January 8, 2006, 11:26pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/new-chick-tract-with-a-vengangce/339037/23 "2006-01-08T23:26:23Z")
> [@Athena](#): > > Ooooh good one! I especially like the angels sitting on clouds, watching earth on the big-screen TV. I guess they have flat panels in heaven! They have flat panels in Hell too. The only difference in the programming. 😃 ---
**Author:** ![Tuckerfan](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/t/eada6e/32.png) [@Tuckerfan](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Tuckerfan)\ **Post date:** [January 8, 2006, 11:36pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/new-chick-tract-with-a-vengangce/339037/24 "2006-01-08T23:36:42Z")
> [@Sunspace](#): > > They have flat panels in Hell too. The only difference in the programming. 😃 And the kind of plasma used in the displays. 😃 ---
**Author:** ![Scissorjack](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/c67d28/32.png) [@Scissorjack](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Scissorjack)\ **Post date:** [January 9, 2006, 12:05am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/new-chick-tract-with-a-vengangce/339037/25 "2006-01-09T00:05:16Z")
Every time someone says “Tomorrow could be TOO LATE!”, in a Chick tract, you just know that whoever they’re talking to is gonna buy it four panels later. I picture potential convertees thinking, “Shit, he’s preaching to _me_! If I let him finish, I’m _dead_!” and then running away with their fingers in their ears, shouting “Lalalalalala I can’t hear you!” every time one of his God-bothering Typhoid Marys starts up. ---
**Author:** ![BJMoose](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/b/5fc32e/32.png) [@BJMoose](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/BJMoose)\ **Post date:** [January 9, 2006, 12:09am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/new-chick-tract-with-a-vengangce/339037/26 "2006-01-09T00:09:47Z")
Now, if only y’all could explain why you keep looking at this Chickin’ shit even though you find it so distasteful. . . . No, I’m not defending Chick. It’s just that thirty years ago I found one of his tracts offensive and haven’t looked at one since. ---
**Author:** ![Tuckerfan](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/t/eada6e/32.png) [@Tuckerfan](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Tuckerfan)\ **Post date:** [January 9, 2006, 12:16am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/new-chick-tract-with-a-vengangce/339037/27 "2006-01-09T00:16:53Z")
> [@Case Sensitive](#): > > God-bothering Typhoid Marys Band name! ---
**Author:** ![FinnAgain](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/finnagain/32/12500_2.png) [@FinnAgain](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/FinnAgain)\ **Post date:** [January 9, 2006, 12:22am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/new-chick-tract-with-a-vengangce/339037/28 "2006-01-09T00:22:42Z")
> [@BJMoose](#): > > Now, if only y’all could explain why you keep looking at this Chickin’ shit even though you find it so distasteful. . . . One word: rubbernecking. ---
**Author:** ![Revtim](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/revtim/32/1042_2.png) [@Revtim](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Revtim)\ **Post date:** [January 9, 2006, 12:28am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/new-chick-tract-with-a-vengangce/339037/29 "2006-01-09T00:28:23Z")
> [@BJMoose](#): > > Now, if only y’all could explain why you keep looking at this Chickin’ shit even though you find it so distasteful. . . We find entertainment in them. We’re not expecting tolerance or intelligence in them (and would in fact be disappointed to find such things in a Chick tract). ---
**Author:** ![JRDelirious](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/jrdelirious/32/9531_2.png) [@JRDelirious](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/JRDelirious)\ **Post date:** [January 9, 2006, 12:30am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/new-chick-tract-with-a-vengangce/339037/30 "2006-01-09T00:30:41Z")
> [@Bryan Ekers](#): > > I dunno; if that’s what Chick meant, he chose a clumsy way to say it. I take it to mean Benny is worthy of saving because his beliefs are in flux while the “creep” isn’t, because his soul is lost to multiculturalism or something. Didn’t look so opaque to me at all… BTW at the time the phrase is uttered is when Benny finally Repents, so he’s no longer “in flux”. How can we can parse “Preacher died for me, not that snotty little creep” ? A: " It was Preacher [and by analogy, Jesus] who died for me, not that snotty little creep" B: “Preacher [/Jesus] died for me, but not for that snotty little creep” In the theology we’re dealing with, Jesus DID “die for” the sins of the dude who’s gonna end up taking the flame bath anyway. Still and the confusion notwhitstanding, it’s amusing that Capt. Snively’s character is right from the start and all the way through written as a total asshat who’s just cruisin’ for a smiting – as opposed to Chick Tracts of the past where otherwise fine religious people end up getting it in the shorts just because Jesus is mean and tolerance is bad. ---
**Author:** ![Linty\_Fresh](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/l/c5a1d2/32.png) [@Linty\_Fresh](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Linty_Fresh)\ **Post date:** [January 9, 2006, 12:43am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/new-chick-tract-with-a-vengangce/339037/31 "2006-01-09T00:43:08Z")
> [@Revtim](#): > > We find entertainment in them. We’re not expecting tolerance or intelligence in them (and would in fact be disappointed to find such things in a Chick tract). Hell, based on what I’ve seen IRL and the Internet, some of Jack Chick’s biggest fans are atheists. I wouldn’t be surprised if his atheist fans outnumbered his Christian fans. We have favorite Chick tracts, we quote stuff, and I bet some people out there trade them. You can find a few Jack Chick parody sites on the web complete with revised Chick tracts (I call them “Chick Fic.”). [Here’s](http://216.131.88.117/chick/) my favorite. What’s not to love? The guy couldn’t get funnier if he tried. ---
**Author:** ![Blalron](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/b/35a633/32.png) [@Blalron](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Blalron)\ **Post date:** [January 9, 2006, 12:44am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/new-chick-tract-with-a-vengangce/339037/32 "2006-01-09T00:44:19Z")
> [@BJMoose](#): > > Now, if only y’all could explain why you keep looking at this Chickin’ shit even though you find it so distasteful. . . . It’s comedy gold, that’s why. ---
**Author:** ![Linty\_Fresh](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/l/c5a1d2/32.png) [@Linty\_Fresh](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Linty_Fresh)\ **Post date:** [January 9, 2006, 12:46am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/new-chick-tract-with-a-vengangce/339037/33 "2006-01-09T00:46:41Z")
> [@Linty Fresh](#): > > Hell, based on what I’ve seen IRL and the Internet, some of Jack Chick’s biggest fans are atheists. I wouldn’t be surprised if his atheist fans outnumbered his Christian fans. We have favorite Chick tracts, we quote stuff, and I bet some people out there trade them. You can find a few Jack Chick parody sites on the web complete with revised Chick tracts (I call them “Chick Fic.”). [Here’s](http://216.131.88.117/chick/) my favorite. > > What’s not to love? The guy couldn’t get funnier if he tried. As an aside, I want to declare that I am honored, _honored_ I tell you, to have been able to dedicate my 500th post above to the genius of Jack Chick. He’s better than John Waters. John has to _make an effort_ to achieve that level of bizarro world insanity. ---
**Author:** ![Snooooopy](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/ee7513/32.png) [@Snooooopy](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Snooooopy)\ **Post date:** [January 9, 2006, 12:48am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/new-chick-tract-with-a-vengangce/339037/34 "2006-01-09T00:48:05Z")
> [@Case Sensitive](#): > > Every time someone says “Tomorrow could be TOO LATE!”, in a Chick tract, you just know that whoever they’re talking to is gonna buy it four panels later. Chick should print in color so he can give these characters a nice red shirt to wear. ---
**Author:** ![Tuckerfan](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/t/eada6e/32.png) [@Tuckerfan](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Tuckerfan)\ **Post date:** [January 9, 2006, 12:52am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/new-chick-tract-with-a-vengangce/339037/35 "2006-01-09T00:52:25Z")
The best parody, IMHO is [Eaten First](http://www.geocities.com/tribhis/cthulhutract.html) which was pulled from the artist’s web site because of threatened legal action by Chick. (Thankfully, other folks were kind enough to mirror the tract, so it wasn’t lost.) ---
**Author:** ![Scissorjack](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/c67d28/32.png) [@Scissorjack](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Scissorjack)\ **Post date:** [January 9, 2006, 1:16am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/new-chick-tract-with-a-vengangce/339037/36 "2006-01-09T01:16:25Z")
> [@tomndebb](#): > > How come Chick’s Army is still using Hueys in Iraq (and why are all his GIs fat)? Do y’think maybe he’s a bit out of touch? Yeah, and what’s with the soul-patches and Zapata mo’s? Is Chick having an acid flashback? ---
**Author:** ![HPL](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/h/3da27b/32.png) [@HPL](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/HPL)\ **Post date:** [January 9, 2006, 3:21am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/new-chick-tract-with-a-vengangce/339037/37 "2006-01-09T03:21:45Z")
> [@Athena](#): > > Also good was the slam on education. God knows, anyone who goes to college can’t get into heaven. And I don’ t even want to think what a subscription to the Straight Dope does. You get to go to the level of Hell for liberals, to be tormented by terrorists and sodomites. At least, I think that’s what he’s trying to imply. ---
**Author:** ![HPL](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/h/3da27b/32.png) [@HPL](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/HPL)\ **Post date:** [January 9, 2006, 3:26am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/new-chick-tract-with-a-vengangce/339037/38 "2006-01-09T03:26:58Z")
> [@Lissa](#): > > It’s sorta ominous if you say it like it’s in a movie trailer. Either a Horror or a Porno movie, depending on what music is playing. ---
**Author:** ![Scissorjack](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/c67d28/32.png) [@Scissorjack](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Scissorjack)\ **Post date:** [January 9, 2006, 4:31am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/new-chick-tract-with-a-vengangce/339037/39 "2006-01-09T04:31:28Z")
> [@HPL](#): > > Either a Horror or a Porno movie, depending on what music is playing. It’s a Vietnam war movie - can’t you hear the _whump whump_ of chopper blades and the wail of the sitars as the music swells… I see a Catholic and I wanna pen a tract No Muslims anymore, I wanna pen a tract I see the kids in school and they ain’t sayin’ prayers Instead they’re hearin’ filth taught by a buncha queers. I see some Buddhists and I wanna pen a tract Cos’ they’re all goin’ to hell, there ain’t no turnin’ back If they won’t clasp their hands an’ bend their knees to pray To Jesus Christ, they’re fucked on Judgement Day. I look inside myself and smile. My heart is pure. If you’re a kike or fag, your soul is like a sewer When the Last Trumpet blows, you’re gonna face the axe Our Lord and Saviour knows that you’ve been badly lax. I wanna pen a, pen a tract Tract from Jack, save your souls I wanna see them liberals roast on fiery coals I wanna pen a, pen a, pen a, pen a tract! {with considerable apologies to the Rolling Stones} ---
**Author:** ![RandMcnally](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/r/b782af/32.png) [@RandMcnally](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/RandMcnally)\ **Post date:** [January 9, 2006, 5:43am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/new-chick-tract-with-a-vengangce/339037/40 "2006-01-09T05:43:47Z")
> [@tomndebb](#): > > How come Chick’s Army is still using Hueys in Iraq (and why are all his GIs fat)? Do y’think maybe he’s a bit out of touch? That caught my eye also. Maybe there’s a super-secret squadron of Super Heuys that do super things and such. Or maybe he’s out of touch. But honestly, how can you 1: be raised in America and not heard of Jesus or anything about him and 2: if you’re in the military chances are you went to church. Not for religious reasons, but so you’d have at least one hour of not getting yelled at. [Previous page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/new-chick-tract-with-a-vengangce/339037.md?page=1) [Next page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/new-chick-tract-with-a-vengangce/339037.md?page=3)