# New Contest! Write Jack Dean Tyler's sig!

**URL:** <https://boards.straightdope.com/t/new-contest-write-jack-dean-tylers-sig/40713>\
**Category:** The BBQ Pit\
**Created:** [November 10, 2000, 10:32pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/new-contest-write-jack-dean-tylers-sig/40713 "2000-11-10T22:32:32Z")\
**Posts on this page:** 20\
**Page:** 1

<div class="post-metadata">

**Author:** ![Weirddave](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/w/919ad9/32.png) [@Weirddave](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Weirddave)\
**Post date:** [November 10, 2000, 10:32pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/new-contest-write-jack-dean-tylers-sig/40713/1 "2000-11-10T22:32:32Z")

</div>

I noticed that our new resident fruitcake dosen’t have a sig! He need one to be a full member of our community, so, c’mon everybody-post your idea for JDT’s apropriate sig here!

MY THOUGHT:

“I am the way, the truth and the light. No man cometh to his foreskin, except through me”  
What are your ideas?

---

<div class="post-metadata">

**Author:** ![porcupine](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/p/ac91a4/32.png) [@porcupine](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/porcupine)\
**Post date:** [November 10, 2000, 10:45pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/new-contest-write-jack-dean-tylers-sig/40713/2 "2000-11-10T22:45:33Z")

</div>

I think he’s provided plenty of things to quote him on directly. My favorite would be “There’s something wrong with your penis.”

I would also like to see “Swiddle’s Patron Saint of Penii” as his sig.

---

<div class="post-metadata">

**Author:** ![Kimstu](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/k/ecd19e/32.png) [@Kimstu](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Kimstu)\
**Post date:** [November 10, 2000, 10:48pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/new-contest-write-jack-dean-tylers-sig/40713/3 "2000-11-10T22:48:51Z")

</div>

Hey, I wrote a whole **anthem** for Jack Dean Tyler, and he never even said “Thank you”!..sniff…

But hey, maybe you’d like to see it again? 🙂

[Society Has Quite Forsaken All Her Wicked Courses](http://diamond.idbsu.edu/gas/utopia/html/society_has_forsaken.html)  
by Kimstu

Society has quite forsaken all her wicked courses  
On learning they were prompted by satanic Jewish forces  
_[Chorus:]_ Who’d vowed eradication of the foreskin!  
We’re now no longer plagued with any sexual dysfunction,  
All problems have been vanquished by the magical injunction:  
_[Chorus:]_ “On no condition tamper with a foreskin!”  
Our ancestors might suffer from depression or dyslexia  
Or athlete’s foot or stage fright or obsessive anorexia,  
Or death or dirty fingernails or amblyopic vision—  
_[Chorus:]_ But that was just because they used to practice circumcision!

_[Chorus:]_  
It really was surprising  
When we gave up circumcising  
And found instant bliss of every known variety,  
Which everyone now knows is  
Making life a bed of roses  
For our countless happy members—of Society!

Erotic customs used to be deplorably creative,  
Replete with mass perversions cunnilingual and fellative  
_[Chorus:]_ (They needed to make up for lack of foreskin).  
But now we know that women’s _true_ erotic satisfaction  
Is shown by bursts of silence and great spasms of inaction;  
_[Chorus:]_ The key to female pleasure is the foreskin!  
Sure, once upon a time we labored under the delusion  
That we enjoyed those feelings of rich sensual confusion  
And loud ecstatic writhings in each possible position—  
_[Chorus:]_ But that was just because we used to practice circumcision!

_[Chorus:]_  
It really was surprising  
When we gave up circumcising  
And found instant bliss of every known variety,  
Which everyone now knows is  
Making life a bed of roses  
For our countless happy members—of Society!

We grow those precious cells in special Cloning Project tanks,  
And we’ve thousands of square miles in the public tissue banks;  
_[Chorus:]_ We mustn’t risk a scarcity of foreskins!  
We’ve modified the surgery in rituals for a newborn,  
So now we graft a spare on every Muslim boy or Jew born—  
_[Chorus:]_ You really cannot have too many foreskins!  
To think those people once were such a source of tribulation,  
With their wars and vast conspiracies for world domination,  
And pedophilic torture as their evil secret mission—  
_[Chorus:]_ But that was just because they used to practice circumcision!

_[Chorus:]_  
Oh, it really is surprising  
How the end of circumcising  
Has brought instant bliss of every known variety,  
So if bliss is your ambition,  
Take our tip on circumcision,  
And become a happy member—of Society!

---

<div class="post-metadata">

**Author:** ![andygirl](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/a/a9adbd/32.png) [@andygirl](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/andygirl)\
**Post date:** [November 10, 2000, 11:06pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/new-contest-write-jack-dean-tylers-sig/40713/4 "2000-11-10T23:06:09Z")

</div>

Kimstu,

You realize, of course, that certain dopers now worship you as a minor deity.

---

<div class="post-metadata">

**Author:** ![Sauron](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/ce7236/32.png) [@Sauron](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Sauron)\
**Post date:** [November 10, 2000, 11:06pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/new-contest-write-jack-dean-tylers-sig/40713/5 "2000-11-10T23:06:48Z")

</div>

How about:

I’m not a penis, but I play (with) one on TV.

Or:

You want a foreskin? You can’t _handle_ a foreskin!

Or:

I’m Jack Dean Tyler, and you’re wrong.

---

<div class="post-metadata">

**Author:** ![Jack\_Dean\_Tyler](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/j/46a35a/32.png) [@Jack\_Dean\_Tyler](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Jack_Dean_Tyler)\
**Post date:** [November 10, 2000, 11:38pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/new-contest-write-jack-dean-tylers-sig/40713/6 "2000-11-10T23:38:08Z")

</div>

Kimstu,

\>But hey, maybe you’d like to see it [poem written by Kimstu] again? \<

```
Actually, I would have to say that you are a talented poet.
    Here's another poem. This poet doesn't have the talent that you have, but he is still pretty good. This was written by someone who is very upset about this attack upon his person. His obvious pain is something that all of you can mock for fun. So, have fun. It is entitled, First Love:

```

First Love

You must have been insane,  
you bloody madman,  
to steal my brand new body  
from my stupid mother¹s bed,  
and lay it on your cold, hard table,  
Whole!

You must have been insane  
to strap my baby body down  
and tear my virgin foreskin  
from my glans -  
Me screaming bloody murder to the skies!

You must have been insane  
to rub my little penis with your bloody betadine,  
and come at my erection  
with your knife -  
To try and make me sick as you - for life!

You must have been insane  
to cut my body¹s best,  
and throw it in the trash,  
and leave me there to die but half a man -  
To kill the future love that I had planned.

Rape? RAPE?!  
THIS IS NOT RAPE!  
There is no word for what you did to me!  
And what, pray tell, you think I¹D do, to THEE?

God damn your putrid madness, you dead man!  
God damn your mad vomit straight to hell!  
May livedEviliveDevil feast upon it!  
May S/He sicken on your putrid evil gore  
and die in holy hell forever more!

Some lovers, we,  
my mad M.D.,  
linked through all  
Eternity.

You bleeding, bloody madman!  
Still lost upon the Way?  
Still sick? Are you still insane,  
Today?!

---

<div class="post-metadata">

**Author:** ![manhattan](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/manhattan/32/7_2.png) [@manhattan](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/manhattan)\
**Post date:** [November 10, 2000, 11:41pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/new-contest-write-jack-dean-tylers-sig/40713/7 "2000-11-10T23:41:29Z")

</div>

Dude. You got issues.

Shit, I know people who have lost their _arms_ in infancy and don’t have your resentment issues.

See a professional, and try to focus on the parts of life that don’t have to do with the five seconds prior to climax. There’re plenty, you know.

---

<div class="post-metadata">

**Author:** ![johnson](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/j/d07c76/32.png) [@johnson](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/johnson)\
**Post date:** [November 10, 2000, 11:47pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/new-contest-write-jack-dean-tylers-sig/40713/8 "2000-11-10T23:47:42Z")

</div>

Isn’t that a bit long for a sig?

---

<div class="post-metadata">

**Author:** ![Jack\_Dean\_Tyler](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/j/46a35a/32.png) [@Jack\_Dean\_Tyler](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Jack_Dean_Tyler)\
**Post date:** [November 10, 2000, 11:50pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/new-contest-write-jack-dean-tylers-sig/40713/9 "2000-11-10T23:50:09Z")

</div>

manhattan,

\> Shit, I know people who have lost their arms in infancy and don’t have your resentment issues. \<

```
Who gives a rat's ass about an arm compared to the most erogenous part of one's penis?

```

\> See a professional, and try to focus on the parts of life that don’t have to do with the five seconds prior to climax. There’re plenty, you know. \<

```
Five seconds? An intact foreskin can have good sensations going on for as long as the two partners can stand it. "Five" crippled-ass "seconds." Sheesh.
```

---

<div class="post-metadata">

**Author:** ![manhattan](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/manhattan/32/7_2.png) [@manhattan](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/manhattan)\
**Post date:** [November 10, 2000, 11:51pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/new-contest-write-jack-dean-tylers-sig/40713/10 "2000-11-10T23:51:43Z")

</div>

> [@](#):
>
> \*Originally posted by johnson \*  
> \*\*Isn’t that a bit long for a sig? \*\*

You’re right, of course. And me, a moderator. I should know better.

Well, I guess we can snip some of it off.

---

<div class="post-metadata">

**Author:** ![relic\_11](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/r/50afbb/32.png) [@relic\_11](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/relic_11)\
**Post date:** [November 11, 2000, 12:00am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/new-contest-write-jack-dean-tylers-sig/40713/11 "2000-11-11T00:00:31Z")

</div>

I am coming into this blind, but…

> [@](#):
>
> Who gives a rat’s ass about an arm compared to the most erogenous part of one’s penis?

_sputter_  
TMI, but my fiance is cut, and we have NO problems! There are many other erogenous zones on a man’s body.

I’ll leave now and read that thread I’ve been avoiding.

_sigh_

---

<div class="post-metadata">

**Author:** ![Cantrip](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/c/9f8e36/32.png) [@Cantrip](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Cantrip)\
**Post date:** [November 11, 2000, 12:03am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/new-contest-write-jack-dean-tylers-sig/40713/12 "2000-11-11T00:03:37Z")

</div>

Jack has written any number of sigs in his Ode to a Foreskin:

> [@](#):
>
> You must have been insane  
> to strap my baby body down  
> and tear my virgin foreskin  
> from my glans

> [@](#):
>
> You must have been insane  
> to rub my little penis with your bloody betadine

That’s number 1 as far as I’m concerned.

> [@](#):
>
> God damn your putrid madness, you dead man!

This is a close second, however.

> [@](#):
>
> God damn your mad vomit straight to hell!

> [@](#):
>
> May livedEviliveDevil feast upon it!  
> May S/He sicken on your putrid evil gore  
> and die in holy hell forever more!

This was a bid disappointing, as I’d assume livedEviliveDevil is already dead in holy hell, but I was never very good at poetical interpretation.

> [@](#):
>
> Still sick? Are you still insane, Today?!

And finally

> [@](#):
>
> Who gives a rat’s ass about an arm compared to the most erogenous part of one’s penis?

---

<div class="post-metadata">

**Author:** ![Ankh\_Too](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/a/3ab097/32.png) [@Ankh\_Too](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Ankh_Too)\
**Post date:** [November 11, 2000, 12:04am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/new-contest-write-jack-dean-tylers-sig/40713/13 "2000-11-11T00:04:17Z")

</div>

> [@](#):
>
> **Well, I guess we can snip some of it off.**

We’ll have to errect some standards about the length of the .sig. That shouldn’t be too hard on us, although the SDMB penile system can be awfully harsh to chronic offenders. Jack seems to have thought schlong and hard on his offering, maybe we should give it a second glans.

---

<div class="post-metadata">

**Author:** ![Kimstu](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/k/ecd19e/32.png) [@Kimstu](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Kimstu)\
**Post date:** [November 11, 2000, 12:34am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/new-contest-write-jack-dean-tylers-sig/40713/14 "2000-11-11T00:34:07Z")

</div>

**Jack Dean Tyler:** _His obvious pain is something that all of you can mock for fun._

Ouch, **Jack**. Now it **is** obvious, and now I **am** sorry. Really. You may not realize this, but about 99% of what has come across in your previous posts is not your personal anguish at your own experience (which is not the sort of thing we generally make fun of around here), but contempt and incredulity for people stating their different responses to their experiences (which is the sort of thing we tend to be death on).

\*Some lovers, we,  
my mad M.D.,  
linked through all  
Eternity. \*

I’m no creative-writing teacher or anything, but I think that’s really quite good. I think maybe you ought to approach this issue more often with the expressive license of poetry rather than asserting your (pretty extreme) views as universal fact, which does tend to rile people whose own experience contradicts them. Sometimes fact is not the best medium for expressing a particular kind of truth.

Well, that’s all from me. Good luck…

(slinks out of Pit)

---

<div class="post-metadata">

**Author:** ![Nacho4Sara](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/n/3d9bf3/32.png) [@Nacho4Sara](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Nacho4Sara)\
**Post date:** [November 11, 2000, 1:35am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/new-contest-write-jack-dean-tylers-sig/40713/15 "2000-11-11T01:35:35Z")

</div>

> [@](#):
>
> Shit, I know people who have lost their arms in infancy and don’t have your resentment issues.

ROTFLMFAO!!

Good one, Manny! Yeah! I needed a laugh!

I don’t actually have a sig suggestion, I just needed to comment on the hilarity of that. 🙂

---

<div class="post-metadata">

**Author:** ![Smeghead](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/f1d935/32.png) [@Smeghead](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Smeghead)\
**Post date:** [November 11, 2000, 2:20am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/new-contest-write-jack-dean-tylers-sig/40713/16 "2000-11-11T02:20:51Z")

</div>

“Lost: one foreskin. Size 15 sq. inches. Last seen shortly before waking up screaming last night. If found, please return c/o Tug-Ahoy.”

---

<div class="post-metadata">

**Author:** ![porcupine](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/p/ac91a4/32.png) [@porcupine](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/porcupine)\
**Post date:** [November 11, 2000, 2:21am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/new-contest-write-jack-dean-tylers-sig/40713/17 "2000-11-11T02:21:41Z")

</div>

I think JDT’s poem is actually the lyrics to a song that was, uh, cut from “South Park: Bigger, Longer, and Uncut.”

---

<div class="post-metadata">

**Author:** ![techchick68](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/t/ea5d25/32.png) [@techchick68](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/techchick68)\
**Post date:** [November 11, 2000, 2:36am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/new-contest-write-jack-dean-tylers-sig/40713/18 "2000-11-11T02:36:14Z")

</div>

here’s one for him \< giggles \>

> [@](#):
>
> I’m a lumber jack and I don’t care, my mom and dad chopped my wank, down there. I’m a lumber jack and ya’know it’s true, if you got chopped it’s time to sue.

---

<div class="post-metadata">

**Author:** ![tiggeril](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/tiggeril/32/7234_2.png) [@tiggeril](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/tiggeril)\
**Post date:** [November 11, 2000, 3:00am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/new-contest-write-jack-dean-tylers-sig/40713/19 "2000-11-11T03:00:05Z")

</div>

> [@](#):
>
> \*Originally posted by Jack Dean Tyler \*  
> **Who gives a rat’s ass about an arm compared to the most erogenous part of one’s penis?**

You can write, hold things, drive, cook, handle power tools, type, screw in lightbulbs, and open doors with your penis? Good God, your dick certainly has delusions of grandeur.

---

<div class="post-metadata">

**Author:** ![techchick68](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/t/ea5d25/32.png) [@techchick68](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/techchick68)\
**Post date:** [November 11, 2000, 3:09am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/new-contest-write-jack-dean-tylers-sig/40713/20 "2000-11-11T03:09:06Z")

</div>

New one:

> [@](#):
>
> I have a PHD in Foreskin Psychology, gained from Bob and Jonesing University.

[Next page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/new-contest-write-jack-dean-tylers-sig/40713.md?page=2)