# New member reporting for duty **URL:** \ **Category:** Miscellaneous and Personal Stuff I Must Share\ **Created:** [October 2, 2017, 3:01am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/new-member-reporting-for-duty/797789 "2017-10-02T03:01:58Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 20\ **Page:** 2
**Author:** ![BobBitchin](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/b/7ea924/32.png) [@BobBitchin](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/BobBitchin)\ **Post date:** [October 2, 2017, 8:10pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/new-member-reporting-for-duty/797789/21 "2017-10-02T20:10:49Z")
Far out ,man. šŸ†’ Welcome, pull up a cushion and get zen in the circle, man šŸ†’ ---
**Author:** ![Ravenman](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/ravenman/32/2929_2.png) [@Ravenman](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Ravenman)\ **Post date:** [October 2, 2017, 8:21pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/new-member-reporting-for-duty/797789/22 "2017-10-02T20:21:46Z")
As a new member, you are tasked with finding the following items: 1. They keys to the batterā€™s box. Weā€™ve been trying since 1973 and still canā€™t open it. 2. 100 feet of flightline. Someone left it near the airport. 3. One bucket of prop wash. Also probably found near the airport. 4. Holes for the the hole punches. A dozen will do nicely. 5. 10 feet of fallopian tube. Donā€™t ask. 6. A left-handed screwdriver. For the sinister tool department. Thanks and good luck! ---
**Author:** ![Patx2](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/p/73ab20/32.png) [@Patx2](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Patx2)\ **Post date:** [October 2, 2017, 8:30pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/new-member-reporting-for-duty/797789/23 "2017-10-02T20:30:51Z")
Hello, and welcome! Nice to have you along for the ride! ---
**Author:** ![swampspruce](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/swampspruce/32/261_2.png) [@swampspruce](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/swampspruce)\ **Post date:** [October 2, 2017, 8:47pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/new-member-reporting-for-duty/797789/24 "2017-10-02T20:47:04Z")
> [@Beckdawrek](#): > > Welcome from another newbie. I would give you friendly warnings but every time I do that I get busted on something. Soā€¦goodluck!! ā€œgood luckā€. Geez. šŸ˜ƒ Welcome to the Asylum, **lazykitten**. The goat is in the room Without a Door. Just look for the one that looks almost entirely unlike the rest of the wall and youā€™ll have found it. Be warned that you really shouldnā€™t feed the goat the ice scream as someā€¦unfortunateā€¦ side effects have been observed. ---
**Author:** ![Dendarii\_Dame](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/d/bbce88/32.png) [@Dendarii\_Dame](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Dendarii_Dame)\ **Post date:** [October 2, 2017, 8:59pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/new-member-reporting-for-duty/797789/25 "2017-10-02T20:59:43Z")
Welcome! What kind of books do you like? Weā€™ve got plenty of reading-related threads in Cafe Society. ---
**Author:** ![Beckdawrek](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/beckdawrek/32/3647_2.png) [@Beckdawrek](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Beckdawrek)\ **Post date:** [October 2, 2017, 9:43pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/new-member-reporting-for-duty/797789/26 "2017-10-02T21:43:33Z")
My brain hurts again! ---
**Author:** ![Sunspace](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/sunspace/32/1250_2.png) [@Sunspace](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Sunspace)\ **Post date:** [October 2, 2017, 9:55pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/new-member-reporting-for-duty/797789/27 "2017-10-02T21:55:32Z")
We have books for that. Nice, soothing, heavy books. ---
**Author:** ![Sunspace](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/sunspace/32/1250_2.png) [@Sunspace](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Sunspace)\ **Post date:** [October 2, 2017, 10:05pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/new-member-reporting-for-duty/797789/28 "2017-10-02T22:05:09Z")
And speaking as a non-reformed antipessimal socialist, there are quite a few good reading threads here. Every now and then I feel the need to dip into a Tolkein thread, and we haveā€¦ expertsā€¦ here. ---
**Author:** ![Beckdawrek](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/beckdawrek/32/3647_2.png) [@Beckdawrek](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Beckdawrek)\ **Post date:** [October 2, 2017, 10:57pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/new-member-reporting-for-duty/797789/29 "2017-10-02T22:57:24Z")
How heavy? Who wrote them? Are they leather bound? Just a few things I need to know. Seriously, there are some really nice people here, I havenā€™t found them, but there are rumors they exist. ( just kidding, Itā€™s a joke folks) ---
**Author:** ![bobot](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/bobot/32/21622_2.png) [@bobot](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/bobot)\ **Post date:** [October 2, 2017, 11:39pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/new-member-reporting-for-duty/797789/30 "2017-10-02T23:39:22Z")
> [@lazykitten](#): > > Just wanted to introduce myself. My self-appointed therapist friend suggested(quite aggressively) that I needed to ā€œgo out and socialize, you antisocial pessimist.ā€ So I promised Iā€™d go out and meet new people and make nice, and here I am in my backyard introducing myself. Good compromise, yeah? Letā€™s just keep the fact that I didnt actually leave my property to ourselves though \>.\> > Well then, nameā€™s lazykitten, 25 years old, fond of reading and bit of gaming. Nice to meet you nice folk and hope we get along. > > Sent from my SM-J700T using Tapatalk If you wanted to demonstrate that you got what it takes, itā€™s not necessary or mandatory of course, ha ha, but it wouldnā€™t kill you to go through all of my posts and remove any unnecessary profanity. If you want, totally your call. Welcome! in the meantime. ---
**Author:** ![Beckdawrek](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/beckdawrek/32/3647_2.png) [@Beckdawrek](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Beckdawrek)\ **Post date:** [October 2, 2017, 11:49pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/new-member-reporting-for-duty/797789/31 "2017-10-02T23:49:04Z")
How will ā€™ lazykittenā€™ know what profanity is necessary or unnecessary! She will need some kinda game plan. Are you setting her up for failure? Jeezā€™ am I an alarmist or what? Damn! My brain hurts! ---
**Author:** ![lazykitten](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/l/51bf81/32.png) [@lazykitten](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/lazykitten)\ **Post date:** [October 3, 2017, 1:41am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/new-member-reporting-for-duty/797789/32 "2017-10-03T01:41:38Z")
So, couldnā€™t find the goat. Did find the room Without a Door but only found a morose sheep strapped to a gurney. Decided to not ask questions and left immediately. Sent from my SM-J700T using Tapatalk ---
**Author:** ![lazykitten](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/l/51bf81/32.png) [@lazykitten](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/lazykitten)\ **Post date:** [October 3, 2017, 1:44am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/new-member-reporting-for-duty/797789/33 "2017-10-03T01:44:53Z")
Ravenman, most of that list requires actual going outside on my partā€¦ I hope you donā€™t suffer from high expectations. bobot all profanity is essential unless itā€™s in German. Sent from my SM-J700T using Tapatalk ---
**Author:** ![lazykitten](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/l/51bf81/32.png) [@lazykitten](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/lazykitten)\ **Post date:** [October 3, 2017, 2:03am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/new-member-reporting-for-duty/797789/34 "2017-10-03T02:03:40Z")
> [@AHunter3](#): > > Yeah, welcome aboard. Youā€™ll fit right in. Here, hold this soda straw. No, thereā€™s no beverage, just hold itā€¦ yeah, like that. Someone will explain later. Will you hurry up with the goat already? Like this? Sent from my SM-J700T using Tapatalk ---
**Author:** ![Sunspace](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/sunspace/32/1250_2.png) [@Sunspace](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Sunspace)\ **Post date:** [October 3, 2017, 2:44am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/new-member-reporting-for-duty/797789/35 "2017-10-03T02:44:17Z")
> [@lazykitten](#): > > So, couldnā€™t find the goat. Did find the room Without a Door but only found a morose sheep strapped to a gurney. Decided to not ask questions and left immediately. > > Sent from my SM-J700T using Tapatalk Ah, thereā€™s your problem. If you were using an SM-J700Tii, you wouldnā€™t have that problem. The Tii version made BMWā€™s reputation in the early eighties, andā€¦ What? A car isnā€™t a mobile device? How else are we supposed to move the sheep around? ---
**Author:** ![Sunspace](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/sunspace/32/1250_2.png) [@Sunspace](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Sunspace)\ **Post date:** [October 3, 2017, 2:45am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/new-member-reporting-for-duty/797789/36 "2017-10-03T02:45:21Z")
> [@lazykitten](#): > > Like this? > > Sent from my SM-J700T using Tapatalk Wait, how are you doing that? Thatā€™s not supposed to be physically possible! ---
**Author:** ![CannyDan](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/cannydan/32/548_2.png) [@CannyDan](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/CannyDan)\ **Post date:** [October 3, 2017, 3:05am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/new-member-reporting-for-duty/797789/37 "2017-10-03T03:05:26Z")
Welcome! Iā€™m sure youā€™re going to like it here. Everybody is very nice! ( Geez, why am I always the one who has to explain the goat and the squid? And nobody even _mentioned_ the barrel! You know the initiation canā€™t even _start_ until she cleans out the barrel from the last time. Cā€™mon, people, youā€™ve got to carry your share of the weight! You know how the squid can get. We sure donā€™t want to go through _that_ again! ) ---
**Author:** ![Beckdawrek](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/beckdawrek/32/3647_2.png) [@Beckdawrek](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Beckdawrek)\ **Post date:** [October 3, 2017, 3:13am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/new-member-reporting-for-duty/797789/38 "2017-10-03T03:13:03Z")
Yeah, nice people, really nice people! I swear! ---
**Author:** ![AHunter3](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/ahunter3/32/368_2.png) [@AHunter3](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/AHunter3)\ **Post date:** [October 3, 2017, 3:49am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/new-member-reporting-for-duty/797789/39 "2017-10-03T03:49:42Z")
> [@lazykitten](#): > > Like this? > > Sent from my SM-J700T using Tapatalk [spoiler] You can remain here in the hallway indefinitely. Just because thereā€™s vintage board culture doesnā€™t mean you have to [del]be its newest growth medium[/del] encounter it or anything. [spoiler] You sure? Bring your strawā€¦ [https://www.google.com/search?q=felch+straw+site:boards.straightdope.com&lr=&safe=images&hl=en&as\_qdr=all&ei=4wfTWcy6D4fPmwG6r7OwBA&start=10&sa=N&biw=1405&bih=853](https://www.google.com/search?q=felch+straw+site:boards.straightdope.com&lr=&safe=images&hl=en&as_qdr=all&ei=4wfTWcy6D4fPmwG6r7OwBA&start=10&sa=N&biw=1405&bih=853) [/spoiler][/spoiler] ---
**Author:** ![Beckdawrek](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/beckdawrek/32/3647_2.png) [@Beckdawrek](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Beckdawrek)\ **Post date:** [October 3, 2017, 4:06am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/new-member-reporting-for-duty/797789/40 "2017-10-03T04:06:49Z")
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