# New Olympic sports that you \*would\* watch **URL:** \ **Category:** Cafe Society\ **Created:** [July 23, 2008, 11:16pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/new-olympic-sports-that-you-would-watch/457555 "2008-07-23T23:16:39Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 20\ **Page:** 1
**Author:** ![Fish](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/f/bc8723/32.png) [@Fish](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Fish)\ **Post date:** [July 23, 2008, 11:16pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/new-olympic-sports-that-you-would-watch/457555/1 "2008-07-23T23:16:39Z")
Tradition schmadition. We’re gonna come up with a schedule of new Olympic events that people _would_ tune in for, dammit. We want eye-catching rip-snorting action that the average Joe Sixpack couldn’t resist. We want stuff you’d TiVO and watch again and again, no matter how inane the commentary from the announcers. **Day 1.** 8:00 am. Opening ceremony. The Olympic Torch will be lit in the culmination of a grand multinational chase in _nitro-burning funny cars._ Demolition is acceptable. Whichever car gets to the Olympic Torch first will crash into it and explode, setting off the torch. 10:00 am. Arena 1. Gladiator combat with vicious animals. 10:15 am. Arena 2. Mud wrestling. 11:00 am. Stadium A. Motorcycles jumping over bears holding sharks. 12:30 pm. Track and Field. Trying to escape the rhinoceros, 100 meters. 2:00 pm. Arena 3. Talkshow guest Chair Fight. ---
**Author:** ![Lightray](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/lightray/32/391_2.png) [@Lightray](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Lightray)\ **Post date:** [July 24, 2008, 12:19am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/new-olympic-sports-that-you-would-watch/457555/2 "2008-07-24T00:19:37Z")
Day Two can start up the Marksmanship events. Specifically, the Gymnastics Commentator Shooting event. Tim Daggit. Elsie Schlagel. John Tesh. If anyone takes out Tesh when he starts into one of those treacle-stories on the pretty little girl who has overcome adversity to be there… _BAM!_ Gold medal for you, sir. ---
**Author:** ![chacoguy](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/c/50afbb/32.png) [@chacoguy](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/chacoguy)\ **Post date:** [July 24, 2008, 12:59am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/new-olympic-sports-that-you-would-watch/457555/3 "2008-07-24T00:59:58Z")
Another marksmanship event: Blowhard shooting, Al Sharpton, Rush Limbaugh et all. We’ll give them a running star to be fair but, also to provide the TV spectacle of them running in their tighty-whities. Various Mixed Martial Arts boughts, such as team MMA, MMA Fighters vs. Trained Attack Cats or dozens of nine-year olds. Dodgeball Synchronized pole dancing. ---
**Author:** ![Sitnam](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/6a8cbe/32.png) [@Sitnam](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Sitnam)\ **Post date:** [July 24, 2008, 1:23am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/new-olympic-sports-that-you-would-watch/457555/4 "2008-07-24T01:23:48Z")
demolition derby drunk spelling bee The ‘sinkers and floaters’ or ‘log drop’ courses on MXC full contact golf hillbilly tailgate surfing ---
**Author:** ![GorillaMan](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/g/50afbb/32.png) [@GorillaMan](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/GorillaMan)\ **Post date:** [July 24, 2008, 1:31am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/new-olympic-sports-that-you-would-watch/457555/5 "2008-07-24T01:31:02Z")
[QUOTE=Sitnam] demolition derby [/QUOTE] Oh dear - already we’ve come up against an issue, conflicting national codes. Banger racing, and demolition derbies, are very different in Britain. I do hope the IOC don’t try to force through some compromise which suits neither party. ---
**Author:** ![Governor\_Quinn](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/g/d26b3c/32.png) [@Governor\_Quinn](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Governor_Quinn)\ **Post date:** [July 24, 2008, 1:31am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/new-olympic-sports-that-you-would-watch/457555/6 "2008-07-24T01:31:35Z")
Chariot Racing Team Boxing/Greco-Roman Wrestling Rowing, Canoeing, and Yachting With Greek Fire Swimming As Held In A Whirlpool Javelin and Shot Put Into The Audience ---
**Author:** ![The\_Scrivener](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/t/eada6e/32.png) [@The\_Scrivener](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/The_Scrivener)\ **Post date:** [July 24, 2008, 2:32pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/new-olympic-sports-that-you-would-watch/457555/7 "2008-07-24T14:32:27Z")
\*\*Labyrinth Combine \*\* – race through the maze, wrestle the bull in the middle, and make your way out. First out (or sole survivor, as the case may be) wins. Or, just hold every event as the Greeks did – with all athletes being male, nude, and covered in a fine sheen of olive oil. Sure, many commercial sponsors would drop out, but the viewership of women would go through the roof. 😃 ---
**Author:** ![Snarky\_Kong](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/a183cd/32.png) [@Snarky\_Kong](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Snarky_Kong)\ **Post date:** [July 24, 2008, 2:58pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/new-olympic-sports-that-you-would-watch/457555/8 "2008-07-24T14:58:56Z")
Lesbian teen pillow-fighting. ---
**Author:** ![jayjay](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/jayjay/32/6765_2.png) [@jayjay](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/jayjay)\ **Post date:** [July 24, 2008, 3:06pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/new-olympic-sports-that-you-would-watch/457555/9 "2008-07-24T15:06:17Z")
The 3AM Home-After-Curfew Freestyle Sneak The Police-Pursuit 1000M Plasma Television Carry Given the host country this year: The Tiananmen Memorial Tank Faceoff ---
**Author:** ![Trunk](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/t/87869e/32.png) [@Trunk](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Trunk)\ **Post date:** [July 24, 2008, 3:17pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/new-olympic-sports-that-you-would-watch/457555/10 "2008-07-24T15:17:12Z")
The Pie Jump The Hammer Swallow The Shit Put ---
**Author:** ![jayjay](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/jayjay/32/6765_2.png) [@jayjay](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/jayjay)\ **Post date:** [July 24, 2008, 3:31pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/new-olympic-sports-that-you-would-watch/457555/11 "2008-07-24T15:31:33Z")
[QUOTE=Trunk] The Hammer Swallow [/QUOTE] Given a certain line in the Joss Whedon webshow _Dr. Horrible’s Sing-Along Blog_, I’ve downloaded innumerable versions of this event… ---
**Author:** ![Bryan\_Ekers](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/bryan_ekers/32/183_2.png) [@Bryan\_Ekers](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Bryan_Ekers)\ **Post date:** [July 24, 2008, 3:32pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/new-olympic-sports-that-you-would-watch/457555/12 "2008-07-24T15:32:51Z")
The 110-metre Philosophical Hurdles - reconcile equality and freedom, society and individuality, and free will and determinism for the gold. ---
**Author:** ![ralph124c](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/r/8797f3/32.png) [@ralph124c](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/ralph124c)\ **Post date:** [July 24, 2008, 3:33pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/new-olympic-sports-that-you-would-watch/457555/13 "2008-07-24T15:33:30Z")
Hot dog eating contests -lawn bowling swimsuit competition (women only), i predict the “Swedish Bikini Team” will take gold -sheep dog trials (heck, if you can have equestrian events, why not man-dog events?) -dwarf-tossing ---
**Author:** ![Gus\_Gusterson](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/g/85f322/32.png) [@Gus\_Gusterson](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Gus_Gusterson)\ **Post date:** [July 24, 2008, 5:31pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/new-olympic-sports-that-you-would-watch/457555/14 "2008-07-24T17:31:01Z")
Rollerfucking ---
**Author:** ![Sage\_Rat](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/sage_rat/32/399_2.png) [@Sage\_Rat](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Sage_Rat)\ **Post date:** [July 24, 2008, 6:40pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/new-olympic-sports-that-you-would-watch/457555/15 "2008-07-24T18:40:16Z")
[QUOTE=Sitnam] full contact golf [/QUOTE] That would be hockey, no? ---
**Author:** ![Cervaise](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/cervaise/32/16693_2.png) [@Cervaise](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Cervaise)\ **Post date:** [July 24, 2008, 6:42pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/new-olympic-sports-that-you-would-watch/457555/16 "2008-07-24T18:42:16Z")
[QUOTE=chacoguy420] Synchronized pole dancing. [/QUOTE] We could roll up a whole bunch of events, like the decathlon, except it would be the _sex_athlon. Subcontests would include pole dancing, a wet-t-shirt competition, and hundred-yard-teabagging. ---
**Author:** ![Fish](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/f/bc8723/32.png) [@Fish](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Fish)\ **Post date:** [July 24, 2008, 7:07pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/new-olympic-sports-that-you-would-watch/457555/17 "2008-07-24T19:07:33Z")
And in the sexathlon, all the contestants would be carefully screened for drugs by the IOC to make sure that they’re all on one. ---
**Author:** ![Trunk](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/t/87869e/32.png) [@Trunk](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Trunk)\ **Post date:** [July 24, 2008, 7:18pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/new-olympic-sports-that-you-would-watch/457555/18 "2008-07-24T19:18:23Z")
[QUOTE=Cervaise] We could roll up a whole bunch of events, like the decathlon, except it would be the _sex_athlon. Subcontests would include pole dancing, a wet-t-shirt competition, and hundred-yard-teabagging. [/QUOTE] And the triple jump. ---
**Author:** ![Fish](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/f/bc8723/32.png) [@Fish](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Fish)\ **Post date:** [July 24, 2008, 7:39pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/new-olympic-sports-that-you-would-watch/457555/19 "2008-07-24T19:39:47Z")
We also need the 1600 Meter Gotta Piss Like A Racehorse Drunken Stagger. Athletes (separated by weight class) are given enough beer on an empty stomach to put them well over the legal blood-alcohol limit. They must then stumble through a crowded field decorated with barstools, pinball machines, people dancing, pool tables, beer-sticky floors, and cocktail waitresses until they get to the restrooms. ---
**Author:** ![Bryan\_Ekers](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/bryan_ekers/32/183_2.png) [@Bryan\_Ekers](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Bryan_Ekers)\ **Post date:** [July 24, 2008, 8:28pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/new-olympic-sports-that-you-would-watch/457555/20 "2008-07-24T20:28:45Z")
[QUOTE=Gus Gusterson] Rollerfucking [/QUOTE] Ah, that new X-rated sport from California. Proposed endurance event: Waiting for Godot. [Next page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/new-olympic-sports-that-you-would-watch/457555.md?page=2)