# New twists on old jokes **URL:** \ **Category:** Miscellaneous and Personal Stuff I Must Share\ **Created:** [January 17, 2018, 10:07pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/new-twists-on-old-jokes/806865 "2018-01-17T22:07:57Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 18\ **Page:** 1
**Author:** ![Doctor\_Jackson](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/doctor_jackson/32/32_2.png) [@Doctor\_Jackson](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Doctor_Jackson)\ **Post date:** [January 17, 2018, 10:07pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/new-twists-on-old-jokes/806865/1 "2018-01-17T22:07:57Z")
Take an old joke, twist it slightly and post it here. For example: Luddite comedian’s catchphrase - Take my WiFi, please! ---
**Author:** ![BobArrgh](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/bobarrgh/32/2881_2.png) [@BobArrgh](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/BobArrgh)\ **Post date:** [January 19, 2018, 4:03pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/new-twists-on-old-jokes/806865/2 "2018-01-19T16:03:01Z")
Why did the chicken cross the road? He was in a dead spot / To get better reception. ---
**Author:** ![BobArrgh](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/bobarrgh/32/2881_2.png) [@BobArrgh](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/BobArrgh)\ **Post date:** [January 19, 2018, 4:04pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/new-twists-on-old-jokes/806865/3 "2018-01-19T16:04:44Z")
Person 1: Knock, knock. Person 2: I’m seeing you through my video doorbell, and I can most assuredly tell you I don’t want anything you are selling. Please note the “No Solicitors” sign and get off my property before I call the police. ---
**Author:** ![BobArrgh](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/bobarrgh/32/2881_2.png) [@BobArrgh](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/BobArrgh)\ **Post date:** [January 19, 2018, 4:06pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/new-twists-on-old-jokes/806865/4 "2018-01-19T16:06:30Z")
This guy walks into a bar … when he could have just had it delivered by a drone. (OK, give this one a few years for the technology/face recognition/laws to catch up.) ---
**Author:** ![Defensive\_Indifference](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/defensive_indifference/32/6502_2.png) [@Defensive\_Indifference](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Defensive_Indifference)\ **Post date:** [January 19, 2018, 4:28pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/new-twists-on-old-jokes/806865/5 "2018-01-19T16:28:45Z")
Man, I hate autocorrect. I meant to text my wife, “please pick up milk”, and autocorrect changed it to, “you bitch, you ruined my life.” ---
**Author:** ![Max\_Torque](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/e9bcb4/32.png) [@Max\_Torque](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Max_Torque)\ **Post date:** [January 19, 2018, 7:42pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/new-twists-on-old-jokes/806865/6 "2018-01-19T19:42:18Z")
The other day I saw a guy with a banana in his ear. “You know you have a banana in your ear?” I said. “What?” he said. “I said, do you know you have a banana in your ear?” I said. “What?” he said. So I yell, “DO YOU KNOW YOU HAVE A BANANA IN YOUR EAR?!?” He goes “Hang on,” takes the banana out, and says, “I can’t hear my friend on my Bluetooth earpiece, shut the hell up!” ---
**Author:** ![Slash1972](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/slash1972/32/6461_2.png) [@Slash1972](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Slash1972)\ **Post date:** [January 19, 2018, 7:53pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/new-twists-on-old-jokes/806865/7 "2018-01-19T19:53:50Z")
“Did you hear the one about the guy with 3 testicles?” (Looks it up on a smartphone) “Yes” ---
**Author:** ![Darren\_Garrison](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/darren_garrison/32/92_2.png) [@Darren\_Garrison](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Darren_Garrison)\ **Post date:** [January 19, 2018, 7:57pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/new-twists-on-old-jokes/806865/8 "2018-01-19T19:57:32Z")
“One morning I shot an elephant in my pajamas. Now I’ve lost my job, deleted my Facebook and Twitter accounts, pulled my kids out of school and am hiding for my life.” ---
**Author:** ![Shoeless](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/shoeless/32/7099_2.png) [@Shoeless](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Shoeless)\ **Post date:** [January 19, 2018, 8:11pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/new-twists-on-old-jokes/806865/9 "2018-01-19T20:11:54Z")
I think it was Lili Tomlin who used to have a joke about how you should take all the crazy people walking around talking to themselves, and pair them up so they look like they’re having a conversation. Nowadays, I guess you’d be pairing up all the people talking on their Bluetooth headsets so it looks like they’re having a conversation. ---
**Author:** ![JKellyMap](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/jkellymap/32/15880_2.png) [@JKellyMap](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/JKellyMap)\ **Post date:** [January 20, 2018, 2:23am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/new-twists-on-old-jokes/806865/10 "2018-01-20T02:23:04Z")
Take my wife — well, she is her own person, not a possession — neither mine nor yours — _please_. ---
**Author:** ![california\_jobcase](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/c/9d8465/32.png) [@california\_jobcase](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/california_jobcase)\ **Post date:** [January 20, 2018, 4:27am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/new-twists-on-old-jokes/806865/11 "2018-01-20T04:27:14Z")
Why did the chicken cross the road? To show the armadillos that it can be done. (This is phrased for south Georgia. Insert common roadkill for your area!) ---
**Author:** ![DummyGladHands](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/d/49beb7/32.png) [@DummyGladHands](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/DummyGladHands)\ **Post date:** [January 20, 2018, 2:06pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/new-twists-on-old-jokes/806865/12 "2018-01-20T14:06:23Z")
More, more!! ---
**Author:** ![Annie-Xmas](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/a/ecc23a/32.png) [@Annie-Xmas](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Annie-Xmas)\ **Post date:** [January 20, 2018, 3:24pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/new-twists-on-old-jokes/806865/13 "2018-01-20T15:24:16Z")
What’s a blow job? Computer voice: The club closest to your current location charges $100, but there is a place 15 miles down the road that charges only $75. Do you need directions? ---
**Author:** ![TriPolar](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/tripolar/32/3008_2.png) [@TriPolar](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/TriPolar)\ **Post date:** [January 20, 2018, 4:31pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/new-twists-on-old-jokes/806865/14 "2018-01-20T16:31:24Z")
How do you fit 4 elephants into a car? Have Donald Trump’s kids kill them and cut them up into pieces. ---
**Author:** ![Uosdwis\_R.Dewoh](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/u/9e8a1a/32.png) [@Uosdwis\_R.Dewoh](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Uosdwis_R.Dewoh)\ **Post date:** [January 20, 2018, 5:46pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/new-twists-on-old-jokes/806865/15 "2018-01-20T17:46:35Z")
A priest, a rabbi, and a minister walk into a bar. The bartender doesn’t say anything because he’s unsure if they’re actually a priest, a rabbi, and a minister or if they only identify as religiouskin. He also doesn’t want to make any assumptions of their gender. ---
**Author:** ![Peanuthead](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/peanuthead/32/360_2.png) [@Peanuthead](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Peanuthead)\ **Post date:** [January 22, 2018, 3:46am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/new-twists-on-old-jokes/806865/16 "2018-01-22T03:46:09Z")
Doc, it hurts when I do this. Take 2 Xythlnth capsules, side effects may cause drowsiness, blurred vision, nausea, insomnia, shortness of breath, loss of appetite, internal bleeding, liver damage, anxiety, dizziness or death, and call me in the morning. ---
**Author:** ![Dragwyr](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/dragwyr/32/2855_2.png) [@Dragwyr](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Dragwyr)\ **Post date:** [January 22, 2018, 6:43pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/new-twists-on-old-jokes/806865/17 "2018-01-22T18:43:37Z")
From my son: Q: Why does Six hate Seven? A: Because Seven is a registered Six offender. ---
**Author:** ![BobArrgh](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/bobarrgh/32/2881_2.png) [@BobArrgh](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/BobArrgh)\ **Post date:** [January 22, 2018, 8:39pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/new-twists-on-old-jokes/806865/18 "2018-01-22T20:39:07Z")
> [@Dragwyr](#): > > From my son: > > Q: Why does Six hate Seven? > > A: Because Seven is a registered Six offender. _Golf clap_ … Very Well Done! You win the Internets for today.