# News headlines we DON'T want to see **URL:** \ **Category:** Miscellaneous and Personal Stuff I Must Share\ **Created:** [October 6, 2003, 11:13pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/news-headlines-we-dont-want-to-see/205951 "2003-10-06T23:13:29Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 20\ **Page:** 1
**Author:** ![The\_Man\_With\_The\_Golden\_Gun](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/t/dc4da7/32.png) [@The\_Man\_With\_The\_Golden\_Gun](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/The_Man_With_The_Golden_Gun)\ **Post date:** [October 6, 2003, 11:13pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/news-headlines-we-dont-want-to-see/205951/1 "2003-10-06T23:13:29Z")
**Weekend Cancelled** **It Turns Out You Really Do Need Your Tonsils** **New Study Finds: Life Sucks** **America Changes Flag** Subtitle: New Flag Will Feature The Glory That Is Goatse.cx You know what to do. ---
**Author:** ![kasuo](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/k/8c91f0/32.png) [@kasuo](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/kasuo)\ **Post date:** [October 6, 2003, 11:29pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/news-headlines-we-dont-want-to-see/205951/2 "2003-10-06T23:29:10Z")
**Battle of the Network Stars to Return** ---
**Author:** ![Mastema](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/94ad74/32.png) [@Mastema](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Mastema)\ **Post date:** [October 6, 2003, 11:49pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/news-headlines-we-dont-want-to-see/205951/3 "2003-10-06T23:49:31Z")
**Due to Budget Cuts, SDMB Forced to Downgrade From Hamsters to Lethargic Moles.** ---
**Author:** ![MacSpon](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/34f0e0/32.png) [@MacSpon](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/MacSpon)\ **Post date:** [October 7, 2003, 12:15am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/news-headlines-we-dont-want-to-see/205951/4 "2003-10-07T00:15:47Z")
\*\*Eunuchs Live Longer, Happier Lives Everyone Really Is Having A Better Time Than You Staggering New Scientific Proof: The Apocalypse Starts Next Thursday Britney Spears Becomes New Governor Of California\*\* ---
**Author:** ![Mastema](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/94ad74/32.png) [@Mastema](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Mastema)\ **Post date:** [October 7, 2003, 12:25am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/news-headlines-we-dont-want-to-see/205951/5 "2003-10-07T00:25:49Z")
> [@](#): > > \*Originally posted by MacSpon \* > **Britney Spears Becomes New Governor Of California** Frighteningly enough, this may be the best of all possible oucomes. ---
**Author:** ![Sublight](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/439d5e/32.png) [@Sublight](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Sublight)\ **Post date:** [October 7, 2003, 1:57am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/news-headlines-we-dont-want-to-see/205951/6 "2003-10-07T01:57:03Z")
**Ashcroft Wins!** ---
**Author:** ![interface2x](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/i/c0e974/32.png) [@interface2x](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/interface2x)\ **Post date:** [October 7, 2003, 2:18am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/news-headlines-we-dont-want-to-see/205951/7 "2003-10-07T02:18:38Z")
**Doper interface2x Universally Hated** _Girl He Has a Crush On Laughs Heartily In His Face_ **’Who Let The Dogs Out’ Named National Anthem** ---
**Author:** ![Baker](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/b/bb73d2/32.png) [@Baker](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Baker)\ **Post date:** [October 7, 2003, 2:31am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/news-headlines-we-dont-want-to-see/205951/8 "2003-10-07T02:31:40Z")
**Fred Phelps Named as Cabinet Level Religious Advisor to President Bush** ---
**Author:** ![TeaElle](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/t/8491ac/32.png) [@TeaElle](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/TeaElle)\ **Post date:** [October 7, 2003, 2:40am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/news-headlines-we-dont-want-to-see/205951/9 "2003-10-07T02:40:05Z")
\*\*President Hillary Clinton to… (insert anything here) Oscar Says: Travolta’s Tops Africanized Bee Swarm Approaching City Docs Say: It’s In The WATER Yankees Sweep! > [@](#): > > \*Originally posted by kasuo \* > **Battle of the Network Stars to Return** Already happened, sorry to say. Slated from “Saved by the Bell” put in a yeoman’s performance, but the standout was some buff 40-something dude from “Days of Our Lives.” ---
**Author:** ![Nvme77](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/n/c89c15/32.png) [@Nvme77](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Nvme77)\ **Post date:** [October 7, 2003, 3:14am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/news-headlines-we-dont-want-to-see/205951/10 "2003-10-07T03:14:02Z")
**Air is Fattening.** **Roseanne Barr and Ben Affleck Reconcile, “Jen was folly. Roseanne was my only true love”, Ben sobs.** ---
**Author:** ![ccwaterback](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/c/df705f/32.png) [@ccwaterback](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/ccwaterback)\ **Post date:** [October 7, 2003, 3:23am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/news-headlines-we-dont-want-to-see/205951/11 "2003-10-07T03:23:35Z")
**Bush wins 2004 election by 1 vote! List of countries we will invade announced by White House.** ---
**Author:** ![neutron\_star](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/n/51bf81/32.png) [@neutron\_star](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/neutron_star)\ **Post date:** [October 7, 2003, 3:45am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/news-headlines-we-dont-want-to-see/205951/12 "2003-10-07T03:45:45Z")
**Pepsi Buys Naming Rights to White House, Lincoln Memorial** _Honest Abe’s Mouth to Dispense Pepsi Twist_ ---
**Author:** ![Yumblie](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/y/76d3ee/32.png) [@Yumblie](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Yumblie)\ **Post date:** [October 7, 2003, 5:15am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/news-headlines-we-dont-want-to-see/205951/13 "2003-10-07T05:15:58Z")
**Absolutely Nothing Of Interest Happened Today** Some say no news is good news, but no news is _boring!!!_ ---
**Author:** ![Duckster](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/duckster/32/1244_2.png) [@Duckster](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Duckster)\ **Post date:** [October 7, 2003, 5:28am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/news-headlines-we-dont-want-to-see/205951/14 "2003-10-07T05:28:25Z")
**Confirmed! Sex Is The Root Cause Of All Human Cancer** And to think I used my 2,000 post for this! Sheesh! 😃 ---
**Author:** ![E.Thorp](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/e/898d66/32.png) [@E.Thorp](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/E.Thorp)\ **Post date:** [October 7, 2003, 5:36am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/news-headlines-we-dont-want-to-see/205951/15 "2003-10-07T05:36:45Z")
Congratulations **Duckster**! I’ve got a long way to go. Dateline 2008: **Jeb Bush accepts GOP nomination** ---
**Author:** ![Herge](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/h/a183cd/32.png) [@Herge](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Herge)\ **Post date:** [October 7, 2003, 8:10am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/news-headlines-we-dont-want-to-see/205951/16 "2003-10-07T08:10:48Z")
Not knowing what goatse.cx was, I typed it into my browser… :eek: Thats just sick! ---
**Author:** ![utkik](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/u/e8c25b/32.png) [@utkik](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/utkik)\ **Post date:** [October 7, 2003, 8:47am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/news-headlines-we-dont-want-to-see/205951/17 "2003-10-07T08:47:35Z")
yeah **Herge** I just did the same thing and suddenly my toast and jam has lost its appeal in a very big way. Meanwhile in other news: \*\*World’s Beer Resources Depleted! Utkik Wins €1 Billion in Lottery, but Voids Ticket! Exclusive: Women Say Size Matters A Hell Of A Lot! Family Guy DVDs Outlawed New Scientist: People Point And Stare At You Theorem Proved\*\* ---
**Author:** ![MacSpon](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/34f0e0/32.png) [@MacSpon](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/MacSpon)\ **Post date:** [October 7, 2003, 7:33pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/news-headlines-we-dont-want-to-see/205951/18 "2003-10-07T19:33:32Z")
\*\*New Toilet Tax Announced Global Warming Can Be Prevented By Clubbing Baby Seals Government Outlaws Spam Filters\*\* Damn, if that last one really happened, I … I … I don’t know _what_ I’d do. But I sure wouldn’t enjoy it. ---
**Author:** ![mobo85](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/b19c9b/32.png) [@mobo85](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/mobo85)\ **Post date:** [October 7, 2003, 7:53pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/news-headlines-we-dont-want-to-see/205951/19 "2003-10-07T19:53:39Z")
> [@](#): > > \*Originally posted by TeaElle \* > \*\*Already happened, sorry to say. Slated from “Saved by the Bell” put in a yeoman’s performance, but the standout was some buff 40-something dude from “Days of Our Lives.” \*\* And they used another definition of _Battle of the Network Stars_: that is, only one network. ---
**Author:** ![Netbrian](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/n/71e660/32.png) [@Netbrian](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Netbrian)\ **Post date:** [October 7, 2003, 8:08pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/news-headlines-we-dont-want-to-see/205951/20 "2003-10-07T20:08:51Z")
**Jeb Bush wins presidency by a landslide!** [Next page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/news-headlines-we-dont-want-to-see/205951.md?page=2)