# Newspaper headlines as literature **URL:** \ **Category:** Cafe Society\ **Created:** [December 10, 2016, 3:28pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/newspaper-headlines-as-literature/774346 "2016-12-10T15:28:19Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 6\ **Page:** 1
**Author:** ![Flyer](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/flyer/32/7298_2.png) [@Flyer](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Flyer)\ **Post date:** [December 10, 2016, 3:28pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/newspaper-headlines-as-literature/774346/1 "2016-12-10T15:28:19Z")
I’m a great fan of well-written headlines. Some headline writers seem to regard working puns, double meanings, or other jokes into their work as a sacred obligation. The Colorado Springs Gazette comes up with some pretty good ones every once in a while. Just yesterday, an article about the local housing market had one – “More underwater homes dry out.” Then there are the famous ones: “Headless Body in Topless Bar”; “Sticks Nix Hick Pix”; etc. My all-time favorite is one in an obscure book we have called _I’ll Trade You an Elk_; it’s memories from a guy whose Father ran the Wichita Zoo during the 1930’s. He recalls reading an article about another zoo that was planning to build a new Platypus House, right next to the Panda House. The headline? “New Platypusery to Rise by Pandamonium.” ---
**Author:** ![Annie-Xmas](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/a/ecc23a/32.png) [@Annie-Xmas](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Annie-Xmas)\ **Post date:** [December 10, 2016, 3:33pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/newspaper-headlines-as-literature/774346/2 "2016-12-10T15:33:37Z")
Not quite what you had in mind, but the one the (Bergen County, NJ) Record that read “Seven Years for Necrophilia.” On September 11, 2008. ---
**Author:** ![buddha\_david](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/b/ee7513/32.png) [@buddha\_david](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/buddha_david)\ **Post date:** [December 10, 2016, 3:53pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/newspaper-headlines-as-literature/774346/3 "2016-12-10T15:53:12Z")
Brazilian soccer player Argel Fucks was the subject of the headline: **[Fucks off to Benfica.](http://www.theregister.co.uk/2001/09/11/eurosport_com_scores_headline_profanity/)** ---
**Author:** ![RobDog](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/r/f07891/32.png) [@RobDog](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/RobDog)\ **Post date:** [December 10, 2016, 4:57pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/newspaper-headlines-as-literature/774346/4 "2016-12-10T16:57:04Z")
This requires a bit of set up. Scottish soccer team Inverness Caledonian Thistle (commonly referred to as “Cally”) have just beaten the supposedly far superior Glasgow Celtic by 3 goals to 1. The victors are unsurprisingly delighted, although by all accounts Celtic gave a poor performance during the match. The headline in The Sun: Super Cally Go Ballistic Celtic Are Atrocious ---
**Author:** ![jtur88](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/j/e9c0ed/32.png) [@jtur88](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/jtur88)\ **Post date:** [December 10, 2016, 5:36pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/newspaper-headlines-as-literature/774346/5 "2016-12-10T17:36:09Z")
SICK TRANSIT’S GLORIOUS MONDAY – New York Daily News reporting a state transit bailout, which occurred on a weekend, restoring transit service Monday morning. ---
**Author:** ![Kent\_Clark](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/kent_clark/32/105_2.png) [@Kent\_Clark](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Kent_Clark)\ **Post date:** [December 10, 2016, 11:00pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/newspaper-headlines-as-literature/774346/6 "2016-12-10T23:00:20Z")
The late, unlamented (published only seven months) St. Louis Sun is remembered for a headline about a woman’s lawsuit against a man she alleged to have nibbled forcefully on her ass while at a bar. **He Bit Hers, She Sued His**