# NFL playoffs --- who would win "in real life"? **URL:** \ **Category:** Cafe Society\ **Created:** [January 7, 2009, 8:17pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/nfl-playoffs-who-would-win-in-real-life/480274 "2009-01-07T20:17:01Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 18\ **Page:** 1
**Author:** ![johnspartan](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/j/a183cd/32.png) [@johnspartan](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/johnspartan)\ **Post date:** [January 7, 2009, 8:17pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/nfl-playoffs-who-would-win-in-real-life/480274/1 "2009-01-07T20:17:01Z")
So, here are the teams remaining. Who would win if rather than being teams these actually WERE what you were fielding? As in, if the team name was your actual army. For example: giants vs. eagles? I would presume giants could clobber eagles, who except for the power of flight couldn’t do much to a giant. panthers vs. cardinals? a vicious cat vs. a pretty bird? no contest. ravens vs. titans? We’re back to behemoths against birds again. I have to think a titan could make short work of a bird. chargers vs. steelers? This one’s tough because both teams are vague. Chargers seems to, by branding and nicknames, apply to electricity and lightning bolts (as opposed to, say, goats). Steelers can only seem to be people who work in the steel industry. I would think lightning bolts could do in someone working around a bunch of metal. Then our semi-finals would be panthers fighting giants and titans facing chargers. I think a giant could probably handle a cat, but not being electrocuted. So the championship is Giants - Chargers, with the bolts ultimately winning? ---
**Author:** ![Ephemera](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/e/8baadc/32.png) [@Ephemera](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Ephemera)\ **Post date:** [January 7, 2009, 8:26pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/nfl-playoffs-who-would-win-in-real-life/480274/2 "2009-01-07T20:26:34Z")
Being gods and all, I don’t think the Titans would be felled by lightning alone. Of course, being from Tennessee, I am biased. ---
**Author:** ![Jas09](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/j/d07c76/32.png) [@Jas09](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Jas09)\ **Post date:** [January 7, 2009, 9:03pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/nfl-playoffs-who-would-win-in-real-life/480274/3 "2009-01-07T21:03:04Z")
Well, there are only three teams that can be considered to have supernatural powers - Giants, Titans, and Chargers (if we take their thunderbolt inspiration rather than horses or goats - their lightening bolt symbol supports this interpretation). So this puts the Giants safely in the Super Bowl. The Titans/Chargers game is more interesting, especially if we consider the fate of the mythological Titans - defeated by thunderbolt-wielding Zeus (with help from the [Gigantes](http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Gigantes), or Giants - they are not allowed to assist in this matchup which might provide the Titans with a fighting chance). So, a Giants (Gigantes) vs. Chargers (Zeus) Super Bowl. From our mythology we know that the Olympians eventually defeated the Gigantes. However, the prophecy was that the Giantes could not be defeated without Heracles assistance, and I don’t believe he is on this years Chargers roster. Thus, your Super Bowl champions are the New York Gigantes. If we don’t accept the Chargers as any more than natural lightening (not God-wielded) then the Titans we clearly prevail in that Conference Championship. The Super Bowl is a bit tricky, as we have evidence of the Olympians defeating both the Titans (with the help of the Gigantes) and the Gigantes themselves (with the help of Heracles) but no evidence of a direct Titans v. Gigantes matchup. I would have to bet on the Titans, though. ---
**Author:** ![Mixolydian](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/da6949/32.png) [@Mixolydian](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Mixolydian)\ **Post date:** [January 7, 2009, 9:05pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/nfl-playoffs-who-would-win-in-real-life/480274/4 "2009-01-07T21:05:17Z")
This reminds me of the “What’s Happening” TV episode (from the '70s) when Rerun has a remarkable run of “luck” with his NFL wagering venture. He describes a ridiculously complicated mathematical scheme for determining the final score of any game, but when asked how he knows the winner of any contest, he states very matter-of-factly, “The team with the better looking helmets!”. ---
**Author:** ![drastic\_quench](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/d/e36b37/32.png) [@drastic\_quench](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/drastic_quench)\ **Post date:** [January 7, 2009, 9:16pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/nfl-playoffs-who-would-win-in-real-life/480274/5 "2009-01-07T21:16:46Z")
The 80s sitcom Perfect Strangers also had a football betting episode where “wacky” Balki Bartokomous consistently picked winners with this avatar-esque systems. The writing was full of “jokes” like Balki picking the Bills over the Chargers, because you can keep charging, but eventually you have to pay your bills. Blegh. ---
**Author:** ![Shagnasty](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/9dc877/32.png) [@Shagnasty](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Shagnasty)\ **Post date:** [January 7, 2009, 9:27pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/nfl-playoffs-who-would-win-in-real-life/480274/6 "2009-01-07T21:27:41Z")
The Saints versus the Titans is a tricky one. Someone might guess that a bunch of ancient gods could easily beat a bunch of good-deed doing churchgoers but that isn’t the case. The Saints have access to the real God and he gets really pissed off at alternate gods in general. That is enough for him to get all Old Testament on the game. Final score: Saints - 169 Titans - 3. Saints win. ---
**Author:** ![Hal\_Briston](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/h/a9a28c/32.png) [@Hal\_Briston](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Hal_Briston)\ **Post date:** [January 7, 2009, 9:48pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/nfl-playoffs-who-would-win-in-real-life/480274/7 "2009-01-07T21:48:35Z")
If this is the way we’re looking at it, then all other teams should be thankful they don’t have to go up against the Browns. ---
**Author:** ![milquetoast](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/258eb7/32.png) [@milquetoast](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/milquetoast)\ **Post date:** [January 7, 2009, 9:59pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/nfl-playoffs-who-would-win-in-real-life/480274/8 "2009-01-07T21:59:55Z")
> [@Hal\_Briston](#): > > If this is the way we’re looking at it, then all other teams should be thankful they don’t have to go up against the Browns. I don’t know. I kinda think the Packers like going up against the Browns. ---
**Author:** ![johnspartan](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/j/a183cd/32.png) [@johnspartan](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/johnspartan)\ **Post date:** [January 8, 2009, 3:02pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/nfl-playoffs-who-would-win-in-real-life/480274/9 "2009-01-08T15:02:23Z")
Well, let’s say we had a battle royal. Guess it would help to put the teams in categories…I’m doing this from memory but I don’t think I missed any teams. Individuals Buffalo Bills New England Patriots Pittsburgh Steelers Houston Texans Oakland Raiders Kansas City Chiefs Washington Redskins Dallas Cowboys Green Bay Packers Minnesota Vikings Tampa Bay Buccaneers San Francisco 49ers mythical/spiritual thingies Tennessee Titans New York Giants New Orleans Saints boids Baltimore Ravens Philadelphia Eagles Atlanta Falcons Seattle Seahawks Arizona Cardinals kitties Cincinnati Bengals Jacksonville Jaguars Detroit Lions Carolina Panthers Other animals Miami Dolphins Indianapolis Colts Denver Broncos Chicago Bears St. Louis Rams Misc. or ??? New York Jets Cleveland Browns San Diego Chargers ---
**Author:** ![SCSimmons](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/e495f1/32.png) [@SCSimmons](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/SCSimmons)\ **Post date:** [January 8, 2009, 5:42pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/nfl-playoffs-who-would-win-in-real-life/480274/10 "2009-01-08T17:42:58Z")
> [@Jas09](#): > > Chargers (if we take their thunderbolt inspiration rather than horses or goats - their lightening bolt symbol supports this interpretation). According to [this site](http://www.footballhappenings.com/teamnames.htm), the reasons given for the choice of the Chargers name from the many contest submissions include the fact that “the club’s new stationary [sic] featured a horse”. OTOH, Les Land, the franchise’s former business manager, is quoted [here](http://www.chargers-stats.com/notes.html) that “Barron Hilton selected it because he liked the USC cheer of ‘CHARGE’, and was influenced to some extent by his friend Tom Eddy, who was a graduate of USC.” So the real mascot might possibly be a warhorse, or a rampaging Trojan warrior. 😉 No way to tell for sure what the submitter intended, of course, and the lightning bolt seems to have been part of their logo since the start of the franchise. ---
**Author:** ![Jas09](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/j/d07c76/32.png) [@Jas09](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Jas09)\ **Post date:** [January 8, 2009, 7:29pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/nfl-playoffs-who-would-win-in-real-life/480274/11 "2009-01-08T19:29:37Z")
> [@SCSimmons](#): > > So the real mascot might possibly be a warhorse, or a rampaging Trojan warrior. 😉 > > No way to tell for sure what the submitter intended, of course, and the lightning bolt seems to have been part of their logo since the start of the franchise. Well, if that’s the case then they’re right screwed, because no way does a warhorse or a Trojan defeat the Titans. So it all hinges on the Giants v. Titans match-up. To address the Saints - seeing as how the majority were martyrs and not particular known for their martial prowess I’m not sure how they get lumped in with supernatural ass-kickers like the Titans and Giants. In fact, we have some pretty solid historical evidence of how a Saints vs. Lions match-up would go - the Lions win every time 🙂 ---
**Author:** ![johnspartan](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/j/a183cd/32.png) [@johnspartan](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/johnspartan)\ **Post date:** [January 8, 2009, 9:14pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/nfl-playoffs-who-would-win-in-real-life/480274/12 "2009-01-08T21:14:52Z")
“saints” was actually the only one I struggled with, whether to put them in the mere mortals or the mythical figures column. I figured either way I’d irk somebody somewhere 😉 But yes, Saints vs. Lions is a historically bad match-up. I once knew a guy who was from New Orleans originally, but worked for New Jersey’s hockey team. That’s right… he rooted for the Saints but was paid by the Devils 🙂 ---
**Author:** ![JeffB](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/jeffb/32/188_2.png) [@JeffB](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/JeffB)\ **Post date:** [January 8, 2009, 9:15pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/nfl-playoffs-who-would-win-in-real-life/480274/13 "2009-01-08T21:15:07Z")
> [@johnspartan](#): > > giants vs. eagles? I would presume giants could clobber eagles, who except for the power of flight couldn’t do much to a giant. However, if we take the Eagles to be those from the Tolkien universe, the Giants wouldn’t stand a chance. ---
**Author:** ![TheBoltEater](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/t/779978/32.png) [@TheBoltEater](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/TheBoltEater)\ **Post date:** [January 8, 2009, 9:45pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/nfl-playoffs-who-would-win-in-real-life/480274/14 "2009-01-08T21:45:03Z")
Well as a lifelong Chargers fan, I can tell you that the “war horse” connotation of “Charger” is rarely discussed, and has never been a part of the uniform or helmet, but is definitely occasionally featured in the logo as seen here. Having said that, since the lightning bolt itself is usually considered our mascot (as evidenced by the totally unofficial yet omnipresent [Boltman!](http://i152.photobucket.com/albums/s184/rsaradpon/Bolt-man.jpg)), and since I prefer the outcome whereby we win this particular scenario, I think we should all just go ahead and run with the Zeus’ Thunderbolt interpretation. ---
**Author:** ![Cluricaun](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/c/bb73d2/32.png) [@Cluricaun](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Cluricaun)\ **Post date:** [January 8, 2009, 9:56pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/nfl-playoffs-who-would-win-in-real-life/480274/15 "2009-01-08T21:56:48Z")
This would be awesome. The Lions could actually win something. ---
**Author:** ![TheBoltEater](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/t/779978/32.png) [@TheBoltEater](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/TheBoltEater)\ **Post date:** [January 8, 2009, 10:46pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/nfl-playoffs-who-would-win-in-real-life/480274/16 "2009-01-08T22:46:05Z")
> [@Cluricaun](#): > > This would be awesome. The Lions could actually win something. YEAH! And the Cardinals… would still be the Cardinals. ☹ ---
**Author:** ![PatriotGrrrl](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/p/9dc877/32.png) [@PatriotGrrrl](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/PatriotGrrrl)\ **Post date:** [January 8, 2009, 11:41pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/nfl-playoffs-who-would-win-in-real-life/480274/17 "2009-01-08T23:41:48Z")
> [@Cluricaun](#): > > This would be awesome. The Lions could actually win something. Ummm, no. The Patriots and the Cowboys (and maybe a few others) have guns and would just shoot all the animals. 😛 ---
**Author:** ![johnspartan](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/j/a183cd/32.png) [@johnspartan](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/johnspartan)\ **Post date:** [January 9, 2009, 2:20pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/nfl-playoffs-who-would-win-in-real-life/480274/18 "2009-01-09T14:20:27Z")
Mehh, the patriots had muskets and muzzle loaders. I wouldn’t much care for taking one of those in against panthers and lions 😉