# Nickelback's Fucking "Figured You Out" **URL:** \ **Category:** The BBQ Pit\ **Created:** [February 27, 2004, 9:57pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/nickelbacks-fucking-figured-you-out/231533 "2004-02-27T21:57:50Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 20\ **Page:** 1
**Author:** ![Ilsa\_Lund](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/i/a6a055/32.png) [@Ilsa\_Lund](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Ilsa_Lund)\ **Post date:** [February 27, 2004, 9:57pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/nickelbacks-fucking-figured-you-out/231533/1 "2004-02-27T21:57:50Z")
I am not posting the entire song, but here are some passages: [QUOTE] I like your pants around your feet I like the dirt that’s on your knees And I like the way you still say please While you’re looking up at me You’re like my favourite damn disease [QUOTE] That isn’t the whole song; I don’t know if the mods’ll wanna trim it. On to the pitting: Nickelback. Comes from to greek words that mean “Shit Sandwich.” It’s like, “How much more shitty could they be?” and the answer is none, none more shitty. You suck, you whitebred phony wannabe grungy posers. > [@](#): > > I like your pants around your feet > I like the dirt that’s on your knees > And I like the way you still say please > While you’re looking up at me > You’re like my favourite damn disease You are not Joe Esterhaz. You aren’t Henry Higgins. You aren’t dark, jaded and cynical. You aren’t revelling in misogynistic irony. You aren’t describing a hedonistic and self-destructive lifestyle. You are writing cheap lyrics about blowjobs to sell records. The prepackaged vaguely pornographic horseshit that you pass off as rock and roll has about as much soul as fucking Dracula. An album of Yanni covering Barry Manilow arrangements of Kenny G songs would have more feeling than you. My late greatgrandmother’s hocked-up sputum had more attitude than you. Let me take a reading on my Lowest Common Denominator Of Music Scale! BZZZZZT!!! #DIV/0! #DIV/0! You suck so much the coalition forces are dropping _Long Road_ in Iraq to use as vaccum cleaners. _Bulls On Parade_ isn’t helping. ☹ ---
**Author:** ![Ilsa\_Lund](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/i/a6a055/32.png) [@Ilsa\_Lund](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Ilsa_Lund)\ **Post date:** [February 27, 2004, 9:59pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/nickelbacks-fucking-figured-you-out/231533/2 "2004-02-27T21:59:37Z")
See? They put me off so much I screwed up my coding! If a mod wants to trim the lyrics, could they fix the coding too? ---
**Author:** ![kung\_fu\_lola](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/k/f4b2a3/32.png) [@kung\_fu\_lola](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/kung_fu_lola)\ **Post date:** [February 27, 2004, 10:02pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/nickelbacks-fucking-figured-you-out/231533/3 "2004-02-27T22:02:04Z")
Yeah it’s pretty crappy. At work I call it _The Porno Song_. My cow-orker asked me why. I guess I’m the only one around there who listens to the lyrics. ---
**Author:** ![7\_up\_yours](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/7/919ad9/32.png) [@7\_up\_yours](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/7_up_yours)\ **Post date:** [February 27, 2004, 10:19pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/nickelbacks-fucking-figured-you-out/231533/4 "2004-02-27T22:19:02Z")
Turn the radio off. ---
**Author:** ![jk1245](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/j/49beb7/32.png) [@jk1245](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/jk1245)\ **Post date:** [February 27, 2004, 10:28pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/nickelbacks-fucking-figured-you-out/231533/5 "2004-02-27T22:28:34Z")
Nickelback is funny. They’ve got the super duper sensitive songs (the “How the hell did we wind up like this” song, plus one other that I can’t think of) and then the “pants around your feet” songs. You can almost _hear_ the marketing going on. “OK, we’ll have the sappy ballads that ensure we get played on all types of radio stations AND we’ll have the dark, attitude-laced songs with thinly veiled crude sexual lyrics. We can’t lose” Either way, they suck. ---
**Author:** ![Lord\_Ashtar](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/l/7ea924/32.png) [@Lord\_Ashtar](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Lord_Ashtar)\ **Post date:** [February 28, 2004, 12:09am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/nickelbacks-fucking-figured-you-out/231533/6 "2004-02-28T00:09:31Z")
> [@7 up yours](#): > > Turn the radio off. Damn. You beat me to it. ---
**Author:** ![The\_Long\_Road](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/t/b5a626/32.png) [@The\_Long\_Road](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/The_Long_Road)\ **Post date:** [February 28, 2004, 12:34am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/nickelbacks-fucking-figured-you-out/231533/7 "2004-02-28T00:34:40Z")
[QUOTE=Ilsa\_Lund] You suck so much the coalition forces are dropping _Long Road_ in Iraq to use as vaccum cleaners. QUOTE] Nooooooooooooo!!! Mommy, I’m scared ☹ ---
**Author:** ![Eonwe](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/eonwe/32/240_2.png) [@Eonwe](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Eonwe)\ **Post date:** [February 28, 2004, 1:07am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/nickelbacks-fucking-figured-you-out/231533/8 "2004-02-28T01:07:20Z")
Wonderful wonderful pitting! Hurrah! And, I mean, really, do people really love people who wreck good times? I mean, wrecking good times seems to me to mean ‘eliminating the elements I like from a given situation.’ How can that be a good thing? These lyrics suck. The song sucks. I don’t buy the sentiment, and I don’t buy the album. ---
**Author:** ![emacularius](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/e/dfb087/32.png) [@emacularius](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/emacularius)\ **Post date:** [February 28, 2004, 2:40am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/nickelbacks-fucking-figured-you-out/231533/9 "2004-02-28T02:40:30Z")
Wow… I hate that song too! Every time I hear it I see the lead signer and think… “I’d like my foot up your ass…” While we’re at it, I hate that Gasoline/Beauty Queen song by Seether too… I’d like to get some gasoline and set fire to that guy’s crotch… … then there’s the lead singer of Seether dating that Evanescence chick… who sucks too… that one song of hers makes my two year old start BAWLING every time she hears it… it sucks so bad… Y’know, I would change the station, but I don’t think my cubicle neighbor would appreciate me fucking with her radio… Bleah! ---
**Author:** ![Squink](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/b5e925/32.png) [@Squink](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Squink)\ **Post date:** [February 28, 2004, 4:16am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/nickelbacks-fucking-figured-you-out/231533/10 "2004-02-28T04:16:47Z")
It’s kind of a catchy tune, but they play it too darned often around here. A remix with Tommy James and the Shondell’s “Crimson and Clover” fading in and out “over and over” would really kick the song’s listenability up a notch. ---
**Author:** ![pokey](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/p/ebca7d/32.png) [@pokey](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/pokey)\ **Post date:** [February 28, 2004, 4:36am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/nickelbacks-fucking-figured-you-out/231533/11 "2004-02-28T04:36:51Z")
I only heard it once but sadly for me it was when my clock radio went off one morning so the song had a chance to penetrate my consciousness when I was all sleepy and vulnerable and I can tell you it damaged my soul. I don’t need that kind of evidence that mankind is going down the toilet when I’m in that tender state. “You are not Joe Esterhaz” is a good way of putting it. Dear Chad of Nickleback, Congratulations that someone sucked your dick. You know nothing about life and you know even less about sex. Try having sex with an abusive overweight psycho with one eyebrow and then maybe I will think about listening to you sing about your dark and mysterious personal life. In the meantime I’ll tell you what’s a depressing sex life and not the other way around, you fucking lightweight. My DAD has a more edgy sex life than you do. Thanks, Love Pokey. ---
**Author:** ![Cat\_Whisperer](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/cat_whisperer/32/4839_2.png) [@Cat\_Whisperer](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Cat_Whisperer)\ **Post date:** [February 28, 2004, 4:54am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/nickelbacks-fucking-figured-you-out/231533/12 "2004-02-28T04:54:07Z")
It’s almost worth having such incredible crap on the radio just for the innovative pittings they inspire. Almost. ( **emacularius** , were you channeling Red Forman there? Cause I can totally see Red’s reaction to bands like Nickelback. And it involves feet and asses.) ---
**Author:** ![Miss\_Purl\_McKnittington](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/e9a140/32.png) [@Miss\_Purl\_McKnittington](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Miss_Purl_McKnittington)\ **Post date:** [February 28, 2004, 6:39am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/nickelbacks-fucking-figured-you-out/231533/13 "2004-02-28T06:39:01Z")
I like The Sims a lot. It’s the one computer game I’ve been able to declare my own and not have my brothers take over and tell me how it ends. On The Sims, there’s this one head that looks EXACTLY like Chad Kroeger. He is always the first to die. If I get tired of a family, and don’t want to keep them around, and Chaddie Sims is a member, he’s the one that gets put in the pool and the ladder taken away. I kind of wish I could find a way to throw the guitar and amp in the tub, but, alas, it cannot be done. The Sims are a great outlet when you get frustrated with pop music. ---
**Author:** ![Never\_Have\_I\_Because\_I](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/n/71c47a/32.png) [@Never\_Have\_I\_Because\_I](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Never_Have_I_Because_I)\ **Post date:** [February 28, 2004, 6:47am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/nickelbacks-fucking-figured-you-out/231533/14 "2004-02-28T06:47:30Z")
I don’t understand why this rant is ‘innovative’. Nothing wrong with it, but hardly innovative, unless you count monstrous coding errors as ‘innovative’. When I heard this song, I thought he said ‘white stains on your dress’. 😃 ‘I love my hand around your neck’ Into sado-masochism, I see! ---
**Author:** ![laura8080](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/l/ed655f/32.png) [@laura8080](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/laura8080)\ **Post date:** [February 28, 2004, 7:21am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/nickelbacks-fucking-figured-you-out/231533/15 "2004-02-28T07:21:22Z")
I always thought he said white stains, as did my friends when we were discussing this song. It’s one of those deliberately misleading lyrics. I’ve got my hash pipe 😃 ---
**Author:** ![devilsknew](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/d/4da419/32.png) [@devilsknew](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/devilsknew)\ **Post date:** [February 28, 2004, 8:18am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/nickelbacks-fucking-figured-you-out/231533/16 "2004-02-28T08:18:21Z")
I kind of like the song! Guess its the animal in me…I like primal lyrics, doesn’t offend me at all… I find it very relatable to manpassion-nuance seems to _be_ this song. If raw sex offends you, guess you might get hung up on this song then. ---
**Author:** ![Never\_Have\_I\_Because\_I](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/n/71c47a/32.png) [@Never\_Have\_I\_Because\_I](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Never_Have_I_Because_I)\ **Post date:** [February 28, 2004, 8:30am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/nickelbacks-fucking-figured-you-out/231533/17 "2004-02-28T08:30:24Z")
> [@laura8080](#): > > I always thought he said white stains, as did my friends when we were discussing this song. It’s one of those deliberately misleading lyrics. > I’ve got my hash pipe 😃 It’s supposed to be Hash Pipe, but it was edited to say “Half Pipe”. ---
**Author:** ![brianjedi](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/b/3be4f8/32.png) [@brianjedi](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/brianjedi)\ **Post date:** [February 28, 2004, 8:33am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/nickelbacks-fucking-figured-you-out/231533/18 "2004-02-28T08:33:09Z")
> [@7 up yours](#): > > Turn the radio off. Personally, I’d love to. Unfortunately, my roommate and a couple of his buddies love this song. That’s why I’ve heard it 940,000 times, all of them against my will. I can’t stand it because it’s offensive and because it’s poorly written and played. I’m no Nickelback fan to begin with, but this is just a crappy song, on a crappy album, by a crappy band. Honestly, how has this song not been the target of a campaign by anyone? It’s wildly misogynistic and borderline encouraging violence against women. ---
**Author:** ![alexandra](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/a/e68b1a/32.png) [@alexandra](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/alexandra)\ **Post date:** [February 28, 2004, 11:03am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/nickelbacks-fucking-figured-you-out/231533/19 "2004-02-28T11:03:09Z")
> [@devilsknew](#): > > I kind of like the song! > Guess its the animal in me…I like primal lyrics, doesn’t offend me at all… I find it very relatable to manpassion-nuance seems to _be_ this song. > If raw sex offends you, guess you might get hung up on this song then. No, SHITE music offends me. ---
**Author:** ![Uvula\_Donor](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/u/e19adc/32.png) [@Uvula\_Donor](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Uvula_Donor)\ **Post date:** [February 28, 2004, 11:25pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/nickelbacks-fucking-figured-you-out/231533/20 "2004-02-28T23:25:05Z")
Poor bastard. Finally gets his first blowjob, writes a song about it, and now everyone jumps in his shit. [Next page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/nickelbacks-fucking-figured-you-out/231533.md?page=2)