# No Cheese - Goddammit, I said NO CHEESE!!! **URL:** \ **Category:** The BBQ Pit\ **Created:** [January 4, 2006, 1:40am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/no-cheese-goddammit-i-said-no-cheese/338323 "2006-01-04T01:40:01Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 20\ **Page:** 3
**Author:** ![Man\_With\_a\_Cat](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/cab0a1/32.png) [@Man\_With\_a\_Cat](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Man_With_a_Cat)\ **Post date:** [January 4, 2006, 4:04pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/no-cheese-goddammit-i-said-no-cheese/338323/41 "2006-01-04T16:04:39Z")
Cheese is life. No cheese = no life. Now lettuce, let’s talk lettuce. Who said lettuce is fit for heated sandwiches like burgers? I say no lettuce to the nice lady at Red Robin, and get a fucking lecture on how good lettuce is for me, and how finely shredded it is. So I killed her. ---
**Author:** ![Max\_Torque](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/e9bcb4/32.png) [@Max\_Torque](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Max_Torque)\ **Post date:** [January 4, 2006, 4:18pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/no-cheese-goddammit-i-said-no-cheese/338323/42 "2006-01-04T16:18:15Z")
> [@crowmanyclouds](#): > > If a plain cheeseburger has no cheese, what’s on a plain hamburger? 😕 > > “Here’s your bun, Ya want fries with that?” Good question. I like my cheeseburgers plain, and I think I’ve found the magic language to get them that way: say you want your cheeseburger “plain and dry, cheese only”, and it usually comes out right. Sometimes, though, I have to endure some oddness from the ordering speaker. “I’d like a double quarter pounder with cheese, plain and dry, cheese only.” “You want the meat too, right?” Well, if I wanted just cheese on a bun, why would I order a _double_, genius? ---
**Author:** ![NurseCarmen](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/n/5daacb/32.png) [@NurseCarmen](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/NurseCarmen)\ **Post date:** [January 4, 2006, 4:30pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/no-cheese-goddammit-i-said-no-cheese/338323/43 "2006-01-04T16:30:12Z")
If it was the Subway near my house, there was a quite simple explanation. You see, each and every worker there is _stoned out of their gourd_. Hey guys, the smell of baking bread doesn’t cover it up! ---
**Author:** ![mrklutz](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/ebca7d/32.png) [@mrklutz](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/mrklutz)\ **Post date:** [January 4, 2006, 4:44pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/no-cheese-goddammit-i-said-no-cheese/338323/44 "2006-01-04T16:44:00Z")
> [@Broomstick](#): > > HOWEVER - when I say “no cheese” I mean NO CHEESE! Not even Wensleydale? I do feel your pain, though. Apparently, the sandwich makers in Berkeley have evolved a particular hearing deficiency that makes the words “no sprouts” inaudible. Not a big deal, since they generally come on top and can be picked off easily (unlike Subway cheese, which is at the bottom of the sandwich). But it still made me annoyed that I couldn’t get a single sandwich maker to heed my simple request. ---
**Author:** ![ivylass](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/i/9de053/32.png) [@ivylass](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/ivylass)\ **Post date:** [January 4, 2006, 5:40pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/no-cheese-goddammit-i-said-no-cheese/338323/45 "2006-01-04T17:40:51Z")
It’s been my experience the cheese at Subway is not real cheese, but some horrid Swiss-American processed crap. I love cheese, but I refuse to have that psuedo-dairy substance on my subs. No, I don’t consider American cheese to be cheese either. Cheddar, provolone, gouda, Edam, Swiss, Muenster, Montery Jack are cheeses. ---
**Author:** ![Scumpup](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/ce73a5/32.png) [@Scumpup](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Scumpup)\ **Post date:** [January 4, 2006, 5:56pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/no-cheese-goddammit-i-said-no-cheese/338323/46 "2006-01-04T17:56:29Z")
I salute you for the quiet dignity and grace with which you carried yourself while a victim of this atrocity. Tonight, I shall pray such a merciless, soul-destroying assault on your personhood never happens again. ---
**Author:** ![bouv](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/b/bc8723/32.png) [@bouv](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/bouv)\ **Post date:** [January 4, 2006, 6:13pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/no-cheese-goddammit-i-said-no-cheese/338323/47 "2006-01-04T18:13:54Z")
> [@ivylass](#): > > It’s been my experience the cheese at Subway is not real cheese, but some horrid Swiss-American processed crap. I love cheese, but I refuse to have that psuedo-dairy substance on my subs. > No, I don’t consider American cheese to be cheese either. Cheddar, provolone, gouda, Edam, Swiss, Muenster, Montery Jack are cheeses. You know, they ahve provalone there. It’s not great provalone, but better than their Swiss (ick) or American (triple ick.) ---
**Author:** ![corkboard](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/c/e9bcb4/32.png) [@corkboard](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/corkboard)\ **Post date:** [January 4, 2006, 6:24pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/no-cheese-goddammit-i-said-no-cheese/338323/48 "2006-01-04T18:24:30Z")
I’ve never had that problem with cheese- mainly because I like my Subway sandwiches with everything piled on there, except maybe hot peppers. But try ordering a cup of black coffee at a bodega or deli in NYC. Go on, I dare ya. I drink my coffee black. No sugar, no milk, none of that super sweet syrupy stuff they want to pour in there for flavor. Just coffee, like God intended. So to make it clear for the folks behind the counter, I order “black coffee, no milk, no sugar”. Should be a no-brainer, right? Easily 50% of the time, I’ll get it, pay, carry it down the block and around the corner, up the elevator to my office, take off coat, settle in, open Outlook, start reading emails, pop the lid off the cup, absentmindedly take that first sip of heavenly java, and GAAAAHHHHH!!! Blech- spit spit sputter! Not only does it have milk in it, but sugar too! Sugar- in coffee!!! On goes the lid, on goes the coat, back down the elevator, around the corner, stand in line, and politely ask again for the same thing I politely asked for the first time. Grrrrr. And it doesn’t seem to matter what deli I go to- they’re pre-programmed to spoon a couple scoops of sugar into the cup before they even put the coffee in, it seems. Black coffee, no sugar should be the easiest thing in the world. Grrrrr again. ---
**Author:** ![ioioio](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/ioioio/32/316_2.png) [@ioioio](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/ioioio)\ **Post date:** [January 4, 2006, 6:33pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/no-cheese-goddammit-i-said-no-cheese/338323/49 "2006-01-04T18:33:08Z")
> [@Mr Bus Guy](#): > > Cheese is life. No cheese = no life. > > Now lettuce, let’s talk lettuce. Who said lettuce is fit for heated sandwiches like burgers? > > I say no lettuce to the nice lady at Red Robin, and get a fucking lecture on how good lettuce is for me, and how finely shredded it is. > > So I killed her. When I learned I was diabetic, a diabetic coworker gave me a lecture on what I should and should not eat. I said I was going to have a salad for lunch, and he freaked out: “Do not eat lettuce. It’s the worst possible thing.” “Really?” I questioned. “Look around. Whenever you see fat people eating, what are they always eating?? Lettuce!” ---
**Author:** ![Miller](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/miller/32/481_2.png) [@Miller](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Miller)\ **Post date:** [January 4, 2006, 6:42pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/no-cheese-goddammit-i-said-no-cheese/338323/50 "2006-01-04T18:42:40Z")
> [@Odinoneeye](#): > > My son loves cheeseburgers plain. I always make sure I specify that that means meat, cheese and bun because several times we’ve gotten it without cheese. I used to always order my fast-food cheeseburgers plain. Not getting any cheese was never a problem. Every now and then, though, I’d get one without any meat. ---
**Author:** ![Ponder\_Stibbons](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/ponder_stibbons/32/343_2.png) [@Ponder\_Stibbons](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Ponder_Stibbons)\ **Post date:** [January 4, 2006, 7:28pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/no-cheese-goddammit-i-said-no-cheese/338323/51 "2006-01-04T19:28:57Z")
Have you tried Cheese, Eggs, Sausage and Cheese? It hasn’t got much Cheese in it. ---
**Author:** ![Anne\_Neville](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/a/b9e5f3/32.png) [@Anne\_Neville](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Anne_Neville)\ **Post date:** [January 4, 2006, 8:37pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/no-cheese-goddammit-i-said-no-cheese/338323/52 "2006-01-04T20:37:01Z")
I don’t like mayo. The reason for this has to do with learning the hard way, when I was 15, that mayonnaise expiration dates do _not_ have a six month grace period. It’s hard to get a sandwich with no mayo, and near impossible (as **Q. E. D.** pointed out) to take off the mayo if they screw it up and give you mayo. ---
**Author:** ![phungi](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/phungi/32/395_2.png) [@phungi](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/phungi)\ **Post date:** [January 4, 2006, 8:39pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/no-cheese-goddammit-i-said-no-cheese/338323/53 "2006-01-04T20:39:13Z")
Future haiku headline?!? _Subway massacre three dead and fourteen wounded “bitch included cheese”_ ---
**Author:** ![AskNott](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/asknott/32/5790_2.png) [@AskNott](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/AskNott)\ **Post date:** [January 4, 2006, 11:40pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/no-cheese-goddammit-i-said-no-cheese/338323/54 "2006-01-04T23:40:14Z")
I used to have lunch every day at my favorite bar, and a couple times a week I’d hear this exchange: “I’ll have fries and a cheeseburger.” “What do you want on the cheeseburger?” “Cheese.” ---
**Author:** ![Elza\_B](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/e/6a8cbe/32.png) [@Elza\_B](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Elza_B)\ **Post date:** [January 4, 2006, 11:46pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/no-cheese-goddammit-i-said-no-cheese/338323/55 "2006-01-04T23:46:14Z")
> [@Ponder Stibbons](#): > > Have you tried Cheese, Eggs, Sausage and Cheese? It hasn’t got much Cheese in it. No, but Spam, Eggs, Bacon, Spam, Spam, and Spam does. E. ---
**Author:** ![Odinoneeye](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/o/97f17d/32.png) [@Odinoneeye](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Odinoneeye)\ **Post date:** [January 4, 2006, 11:55pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/no-cheese-goddammit-i-said-no-cheese/338323/56 "2006-01-04T23:55:19Z")
> [@McNew](#): > > Just coffee, like God intended. I’m pretty sure God never intended us to drink coffee. That’s why he makes it smell so bad. But that’s a topic for another thread. I’ve actually never had a problem at Subjway. Althought I do get cheese (Ivylass, the provolone they use is good, and sometimes, if you’re lucky, they have pepperjack). As for the veggies, I keep an eye on what they’re doing. It’s rare that they reach for the wrong thing, but I can normally catch them when they do. Although it’s easier if you order the veggies individually instead of asking them for everything but one or two items. Confuses them less. ---
**Author:** ![kanicbird](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/k/5f8ce5/32.png) [@kanicbird](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/kanicbird)\ **Post date:** [January 5, 2006, 12:30am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/no-cheese-goddammit-i-said-no-cheese/338323/57 "2006-01-05T00:30:08Z")
> [@ivylass](#): > > It’s been my experience the cheese at Subway is not real cheese, but some horrid Swiss-American processed crap. I love cheese, but I refuse to have that psuedo-dairy substance on my subs. > No, I don’t consider American cheese to be cheese either. Cheddar, provolone, gouda, Edam, Swiss, Muenster, Montery Jack are cheeses. 1st how do fast food places get away with the word ‘cheese’ when the supermarket has to label this as ‘cheese foods’, or simular indication it’s not real cheese. 2nd Real American Cheese is real cheese, but it is sort of rare to get today. Most people assume that American Cheese Food = American Cheese, this is not the case. If you were to have some of the real stuff I think you would reconsider your post. Ironically the best place to get the real American Cheese is from a Senior Citizen who came from the local social security center - now that IS cheese. ---
**Author:** ![bouv](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/b/bc8723/32.png) [@bouv](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/bouv)\ **Post date:** [January 5, 2006, 12:46am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/no-cheese-goddammit-i-said-no-cheese/338323/58 "2006-01-05T00:46:57Z")
> [@kanicbird](#): > > 1st how do fast food places get away with the word ‘cheese’ when the supermarket has to label this as ‘cheese foods’, or simular indication it’s not real cheese. > > 2nd Real American Cheese is real cheese, but it is sort of rare to get today. Most people assume that American Cheese Food = American Cheese, this is not the case. If you were to have some of the real stuff I think you would reconsider your post. Ironically the best place to get the real American Cheese is from a Senior Citizen who came from the local social security center - now that IS cheese. My guess is that places like Subway actually have REAL American cheese. OK, McD’s and BK probably don’t, so I’m not sure why they get away with it, but I’m pretty sure Subway at least uses real American cheese. Which isn’t to say it’s good. I don’t like American cheese. It’s too bland. It’s like somsone took a good cheddar, decided they didn’t like, you know…flavor, and made American. That’s why old people eat it. They LOVE bland food, it seems. ---
**Author:** ![PsychoWench](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/p/e9a140/32.png) [@PsychoWench](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/PsychoWench)\ **Post date:** [January 5, 2006, 2:24am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/no-cheese-goddammit-i-said-no-cheese/338323/59 "2006-01-05T02:24:07Z")
> [@Ponder Stibbons](#): > > Have you tried Cheese, Eggs, Sausage and Cheese? It hasn’t got much Cheese in it. I thought to myself, ‘a little fermented curd will do the trick’. So I curtailed my Walpoling activites, sallied forth, and infiltrated your place of purveyance to negotiate the vending of some cheesy comestibles (^\_^) ---
**Author:** ![Go\_You\_Big\_Red\_Fire\_Engine](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/g/eada6e/32.png) [@Go\_You\_Big\_Red\_Fire\_Engine](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Go_You_Big_Red_Fire_Engine)\ **Post date:** [January 5, 2006, 3:25am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/no-cheese-goddammit-i-said-no-cheese/338323/60 "2006-01-05T03:25:33Z")
> [@Odinoneeye](#): > > I get where yer comin’ from. it took me several times to determine that I had to be specific. > > Another great incompetence in food worker story. > > My ex wife didn’t like onions. At this food court, she decided to get a steak sub while I think I got chinese food. Anyway, she ordered it without onions. it had onions. She took it back and they made her another sandwhich. With onions. She took it back again. It came back without onions. > > on the first half she ate. > > At this point she was too pissed to eat it, so I took it back and demanded our money back. The worker said he could make another sandwhich. I explained to him how they had made 3 sandwhiches and none of them were right. He insisted on making another one. When I refused, he told me I had to wait a half hour because the manager had just left for lunch and no one else could authorize a refund. > > Never did get my money back. So the person making her sub was standing in front of her whilst making this all 3 times, right? My fiancee thinks it’s funny to hide olives in my subs in an attempt that I’ll get used to them and like them. But that’s about the only thing I get on a sub that I don’t like. But the thing I really hate is the girls who wear their little subway cap but don’t pull their hair out of their face. There is one girl at my local subway that has long scraggly hair that it looks like she hasn’t combed for two weeks. I think she’s going for some kind of “look”. It’s sticking out all over the place like Sideshow Bob. When she asks me “So what can I get for you?” I’m a bit too nice to say, “Yeh someone else to make my sub.” What’s the subway wage like over there? [Previous page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/no-cheese-goddammit-i-said-no-cheese/338323.md?page=2) [Next page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/no-cheese-goddammit-i-said-no-cheese/338323.md?page=4)