# No Cheese - Goddammit, I said NO CHEESE!!! **URL:** \ **Category:** The BBQ Pit\ **Created:** [January 4, 2006, 1:40am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/no-cheese-goddammit-i-said-no-cheese/338323 "2006-01-04T01:40:01Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 20\ **Page:** 4
**Author:** ![GuanoLad](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/guanolad/32/42_2.png) [@GuanoLad](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/GuanoLad)\ **Post date:** [January 5, 2006, 3:40am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/no-cheese-goddammit-i-said-no-cheese/338323/61 "2006-01-05T03:40:18Z")
Can some kind of cheese expert come in here and explain what American Cheese is, in comparison to the other kinds? I fear we’re talking about stuff that comes in pre-sliced packs or in a can or something, but I hope that’s not the case. ---
**Author:** ![Cheesesteak](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/cheesesteak/32/3694_2.png) [@Cheesesteak](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Cheesesteak)\ **Post date:** [January 5, 2006, 4:12am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/no-cheese-goddammit-i-said-no-cheese/338323/62 "2006-01-05T04:12:16Z")
American cheese is actually real honest to goodness cheese, it’s like a very mild cheddar blended to a smooth consistency. Usually it’s sliced at the deli for you, it’s a fairly soft, rubbery cheese, holds a slice nicely, doesn’t crumble nor be too sticky to handle. Food service also gets it in pre-sliced stagger stacked form so it can be easily grabbed for use. Not much in the way of flavor, but it does what it’s supposed to, be in slice form for easy addition to a sandwich and melt evenly when heated. Individually wrapped cheese slices are almost always _pasteurized process american cheese FOOD_ which isn’t cheese at all, but an oil and water product that simulates american cheese. I have no idea what comes in the can. ---
**Author:** ![Guinastasia](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/guinastasia/32/5751_2.png) [@Guinastasia](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Guinastasia)\ **Post date:** [January 5, 2006, 6:27am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/no-cheese-goddammit-i-said-no-cheese/338323/63 "2006-01-05T06:27:05Z")
The real American cheese has a very nice, subtle, creamy flavor. It’s not plastic, or rubbery, just soft and almost spreadable. ---
**Author:** ![alphaboi867](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/alphaboi867/32/3898_2.png) [@alphaboi867](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/alphaboi867)\ **Post date:** [January 5, 2006, 6:42am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/no-cheese-goddammit-i-said-no-cheese/338323/64 "2006-01-05T06:42:07Z")
> [@Max Torque](#): > > Good question. I like my cheeseburgers plain, and I think I’ve found the magic language to get them that way: say you want your cheeseburger “plain and dry, cheese only”, and it usually comes out right. Sometimes, though, I have to endure some oddness from the ordering speaker. > > “I’d like a double quarter pounder with cheese, plain and dry, cheese only.” > “You want the meat too, right?” > > Well, if I wanted just cheese on a bun, why would I order a _double_, genius? You wanted _2_ slices of cheese? 🙂 How 'bout when they _won’t_ leave something off because “it’s against company policy”? This happened to me at [Pizza Hut](http://boards.straightdope.com/sdmb/showthread.php?t=335185&highlight=Pizza); I haven’t been back there since. ---
**Author:** ![HazelNutCoffee](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/h/ac91a4/32.png) [@HazelNutCoffee](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/HazelNutCoffee)\ **Post date:** [January 5, 2006, 7:59am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/no-cheese-goddammit-i-said-no-cheese/338323/65 "2006-01-05T07:59:52Z")
> [@Obsidian](#): > > Heh. Try getting a sandwich without tomatoes. ::fervently: Dear God, do I feel your pain. I hate, hate, HATE raw tomatoes, but no one understands this irrational hatred of mine. I’ve given up trying to keep them from putting them in. I just pick them out and sigh in resignation. ---
**Author:** ![CynicalGabe](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/c/3e96dc/32.png) [@CynicalGabe](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/CynicalGabe)\ **Post date:** [January 5, 2006, 10:58am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/no-cheese-goddammit-i-said-no-cheese/338323/66 "2006-01-05T10:58:02Z")
> [@HazelNutCoffee](#): > > ::fervently: Dear God, do I feel your pain. I hate, hate, HATE raw tomatoes, but no one understands this irrational hatred of mine. I’ve given up trying to keep them from putting them in. I just pick them out and sigh in resignation. Same here. Except I avoid any tomato less processed than ketchup. ---
**Author:** ![ivylass](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/i/9de053/32.png) [@ivylass](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/ivylass)\ **Post date:** [January 5, 2006, 1:44pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/no-cheese-goddammit-i-said-no-cheese/338323/67 "2006-01-05T13:44:15Z")
> [@HazelNutCoffee](#): > > ::fervently: Dear God, do I feel your pain. I hate, hate, HATE raw tomatoes, but no one understands this irrational hatred of mine. I’ve given up trying to keep them from putting them in. I just pick them out and sigh in resignation. Mmmm…fried green tomatoes, luscious thick slices of Beefsteak tomatoes on a bacon and cheese sandwich… 😉 Actually, you feel about tomatoes the way I feel about eggs. ---
**Author:** ![chinaglenn](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/c/e5b9ba/32.png) [@chinaglenn](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/chinaglenn)\ **Post date:** [January 5, 2006, 2:16pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/no-cheese-goddammit-i-said-no-cheese/338323/68 "2006-01-05T14:16:52Z")
I made a Subway employee totally redo my sandwich when she decided to put oil and vinegar on it without even asking me. I guess that’s how they eat Subway in Arkansas. I’m from Mississippi! If you have never worked with the general public, you really don’t realize how one track minded they are and everyone ususally wants the same thing. the peole who work in these restaurants are low paid minions, hate being there, overworked, and a definite feeling of being in servitude. If I am a coffee shop employee and I serve 1000 customers a day, and 990 of them want coffee with sugar and cream, everyone is going to get sugar and cream, because my brain is a computer, and the program downloaded in my skull calls for sugar in coffee, mayonnaise on a chicken sandwich, cheese on a hamburger. If they screw it up, they don’t care. I never did when I had to work in these places for shit money. ---
**Author:** ![tim314](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/tim314/32/3468_2.png) [@tim314](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/tim314)\ **Post date:** [January 6, 2006, 5:54am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/no-cheese-goddammit-i-said-no-cheese/338323/69 "2006-01-06T05:54:18Z")
> [@Max Torque](#): > > Good question. I like my cheeseburgers plain, and I think I’ve found the magic language to get them that way: say you want your cheeseburger “plain and dry, cheese only”, and it usually comes out right. Sometimes, though, I have to endure some oddness from the ordering speaker. > > “I’d like a double quarter pounder with cheese, plain and dry, cheese only.” > “You want the meat too, right?” > > Well, if I wanted just cheese on a bun, why would I order a _double_, genius? I actually did once order just cheese and a bun. (It was a high school field trip, we’d stopped for lunch at a burger place with virtually no vegetarian options . . . ) I wasn’t stupid enough to call it a “hamburger with cheese only”, though. I said: “Can I get just cheese on a bun? I’m a vegetarian.” Repeating the phrase “I’m a vegetarian” seems to help convince people I don’t secretly want meat. Most people, anyway. ---
**Author:** ![Poysyn](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/p/f4b2a3/32.png) [@Poysyn](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Poysyn)\ **Post date:** [January 6, 2006, 6:52am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/no-cheese-goddammit-i-said-no-cheese/338323/70 "2006-01-06T06:52:01Z")
So help me out here, as we don’t have “American” cheese. Is it like mild cheddar? I am so confused. You 'Merkins and your fancy cheese. ---
**Author:** ![Broomstick](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/broomstick/32/246_2.png) [@Broomstick](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Broomstick)\ **Post date:** [January 6, 2006, 11:02am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/no-cheese-goddammit-i-said-no-cheese/338323/71 "2006-01-06T11:02:02Z")
> [@Poysyn](#): > > So help me out here, as we don’t have “American” cheese. > > Is it like mild cheddar? Yes. ---
**Author:** ![zenith](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/z/e19b73/32.png) [@zenith](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/zenith)\ **Post date:** [January 6, 2006, 3:49pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/no-cheese-goddammit-i-said-no-cheese/338323/72 "2006-01-06T15:49:50Z")
I have a son who hates any vegetation at all on his sandwich, whether raw or pickled. While he was still living and eating with us, whenever we decided to go get Subway instead of having home-cooked food, he had a preferred Subway. The other one didn’t get that shredded lettuce is a vegetable and put it on EVERY sandwich, no matter how many times they’d seen us in there and heard us say"Just meat, cheese, and a little mayo on one sandwich. He’s picky and wants no vegetables of any kind." Nor did they get that once shredded lettuce has been placed in the sandwich, it clings to the cut bread and you can never completely remove it. ---
**Author:** ![gotpasswords](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/g/c57346/32.png) [@gotpasswords](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/gotpasswords)\ **Post date:** [January 6, 2006, 7:41pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/no-cheese-goddammit-i-said-no-cheese/338323/73 "2006-01-06T19:41:10Z")
> [@bouv](#): > > My guess is that places like Subway actually have REAL American cheese. OK, McD’s and BK probably don’t, so I’m not sure why they get away with it, but I’m pretty sure Subway at least uses real American cheese. Subway’s website only describes the topping as [“cheese”](http://www.subway.com/applications/NutritionInfo/nutritionlist.aspx?id=breadtop) - American, Cheddar or Provolone. There’s no mention of “process” or “cheese food” and they do have some details on the origin of the rennin used in the cheese-making. McDonald’s says they use a [special blend](http://www.mcdonalds.com/usa/eat/quality0/dairy.html) of American, and that Kraft makes much of it, and they describe it as “pure melted quality.” Burger King deserves an A+ as they actually provide the [ingredients](http://www.bk.com/Food/Nutrition/ingredients.aspx) in their stuff. They call it American Cheese Pasteurized Process, and the ingredients do resemble cheese, without too much voodoo. ---
**Author:** ![usar\_jag](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/u/f0a364/32.png) [@usar\_jag](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/usar_jag)\ **Post date:** [January 6, 2006, 8:09pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/no-cheese-goddammit-i-said-no-cheese/338323/74 "2006-01-06T20:09:25Z")
> [@PsychoWench](#): > > I thought to myself, ‘a little fermented curd will do the trick’. So I curtailed my Walpoling activites, sallied forth, and infiltrated your place of purveyance to negotiate the vending of some cheesy comestibles Come again? ---
**Author:** ![usar\_jag](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/u/f0a364/32.png) [@usar\_jag](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/usar_jag)\ **Post date:** [January 6, 2006, 8:10pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/no-cheese-goddammit-i-said-no-cheese/338323/75 "2006-01-06T20:10:53Z")
Sorry for the double post, when I came in this thread, I thought that the rant was going to be about Olive Garden. Try going there and not getting cheese–I don’t think that it’s possible… ---
**Author:** ![xbuckeye](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/x/9e8a1a/32.png) [@xbuckeye](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/xbuckeye)\ **Post date:** [January 7, 2006, 12:58am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/no-cheese-goddammit-i-said-no-cheese/338323/76 "2006-01-07T00:58:22Z")
> [@gotpasswords](#): > > They call it American Cheese Pasteurized Process, and the ingredients do resemble cheese, without too much voodoo. Pasteurized Processed Cheese is actual real cheese, melted, mixed with a small amount of emulsifying salt and other things to affect the texture and stability, poured into loaves, sliced and usually melted over a sandwich. The stuff added is added in very small amounts. Pasteurized Processed Cheese Food is less real actual cheese and more other stuff. Cheese is milk, culture (bacteria), enzyme (rennet), and salt. Period. End of sentence. That’s it. (Legally, nonfat dry milk, cream, condensed milk, etc. can all be called “milk” and are used to minimize the variation in the milk) ---
**Author:** ![Justin\_Bailey](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/justin_bailey/32/8792_2.png) [@Justin\_Bailey](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Justin_Bailey)\ **Post date:** [January 7, 2006, 2:18am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/no-cheese-goddammit-i-said-no-cheese/338323/77 "2006-01-07T02:18:12Z")
> [@usar\_jag](#): > > Sorry for the double post, when I came in this thread, I thought that the rant was going to be about Olive Garden. Try going there and not getting cheese–I don’t think that it’s possible… You went to an _Italian_ restaurant and are surprised everything has cheese on it? That just boggles this Italian’s mind. A big hunk of cheese is lunch some days. Provolone on Grandma’s bread, the food of kings. ---
**Author:** ![devilsknew](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/d/4da419/32.png) [@devilsknew](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/devilsknew)\ **Post date:** [January 7, 2006, 2:29am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/no-cheese-goddammit-i-said-no-cheese/338323/78 "2006-01-07T02:29:09Z")
Try ordering your sandwich at Subway in a “negative polar configuration”. Instead of running a list of inclusions, “I want lettuce, pickle, green pepper, onion, Jalapenos, and pepperoncini, on that.” Try ordering to exclusion, “I want everything but olives and tomato.” This might be a more efficient and communicative enforcement of your preference. ---
**Author:** ![Revenant\_Threshold](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/r/f1d935/32.png) [@Revenant\_Threshold](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Revenant_Threshold)\ **Post date:** [January 7, 2006, 2:30am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/no-cheese-goddammit-i-said-no-cheese/338323/79 "2006-01-07T02:30:46Z")
> [@usar\_jag](#): > > Come again? 'E wants to buy some CHEESE! ---
**Author:** ![Valgard](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/v/7feea3/32.png) [@Valgard](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Valgard)\ **Post date:** [January 7, 2006, 2:53am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/no-cheese-goddammit-i-said-no-cheese/338323/80 "2006-01-07T02:53:14Z")
> [@Q.E.D.](#): > > …then the crappy sandwich making continues and gets worse and worse until one day you’re picking rat hairs out of your teeth. Nobody wants that. Tell me about it. I distinctly said “NO RAT HAIRS” three times to the little thug making my sandwich and guess what I got? [Previous page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/no-cheese-goddammit-i-said-no-cheese/338323.md?page=3) [Next page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/no-cheese-goddammit-i-said-no-cheese/338323.md?page=5)