# No, Dad, I am not going to apologize for the fact that you can't take a hint (long). **URL:** \ **Category:** Miscellaneous and Personal Stuff I Must Share\ **Created:** [March 6, 2013, 7:35pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/no-dad-i-am-not-going-to-apologize-for-the-fact-that-you-cant-take-a-hint-long/652215 "2013-03-06T19:35:24Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 20\ **Page:** 3
**Author:** ![Capt\_Kirk](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/c/779978/32.png) [@Capt\_Kirk](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Capt_Kirk)\ **Post date:** [March 7, 2013, 1:53am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/no-dad-i-am-not-going-to-apologize-for-the-fact-that-you-cant-take-a-hint-long/652215/41 "2013-03-07T01:53:53Z")
Just want to pipe in here and say IMHO you are completely in the right. Your house, your rules. I had to train some of my relations in this by leaving when they “just stopped by”. I hope the party was a smashing success **Capt** ---
**Author:** ![InternetLegend](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/internetlegend/32/13154_2.png) [@InternetLegend](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/InternetLegend)\ **Post date:** [March 7, 2013, 1:54am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/no-dad-i-am-not-going-to-apologize-for-the-fact-that-you-cant-take-a-hint-long/652215/42 "2013-03-07T01:54:12Z")
> [@RickJay](#): > > My parents pale in their irritation level next to this. I feel lucky. > > Of course, Dad wants to divorce my mother and… get this… buy a house with me. > > No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no. I am not becoming a sitcom. > [@Anaamika](#): > > That’s what my dad said when mom died! He even offered to buy us a house and live in our basement. Me and my SO were collectively :eek: :eek: :eek: :eek: :eek: :eek: When my lovely across-the-street neighbor moved out of her (rented) house, I made the mistake of mentioning the fact to my father-in-law. He’s gotten fixated on the idea of renting the house and moving in - with my astoundingly annoying freeloader brother-in-law and their two gigantic, vicious, untrained dogs. Being a dutiful daughter-in-law, I even called the house’s owner to ask how much she was asking in rent. She told me that she’s asking $800 a month, first and last months down, and requires a one-year lease. I thought that information would quell his interest, but no, he keeps on talking about it. Mr. Legend and I are not quite dutiful enough to offer to help with the rent, and every day that house sits empty, we look out our window hoping against hope to see a “For Sale” sign go up so we can be sure to dodge that bullet. The day they move in across the street is the day that Mr. Legend is going to have to rent an office to work in, because he’ll never have another uninterrupted work day at home. And I’ll be cooking dinners and cleaning for two households before I know it. ---
**Author:** ![RickJay](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/r/bb73d2/32.png) [@RickJay](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/RickJay)\ **Post date:** [March 7, 2013, 2:51am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/no-dad-i-am-not-going-to-apologize-for-the-fact-that-you-cant-take-a-hint-long/652215/43 "2013-03-07T02:51:17Z")
> [@Anaamika](#): > > That’s what my dad said when mom died! He even offered to buy us a house and live in our basement. That was my Dad’s idea too. An inlaw suite. The problem being, of course, that there’s no way it would be truly separate. Like InternetLegend, I have not the slightest confidence that my father would (as he claims he would) act as if we were in seperate homes. He’d be around all the time. He’d call me to pick something up for him on my way home. He’s be yelling up “HEY ARE YOU THERE? DID YOU JUST GET HOME?” There would be no end to it. And, of course, the TV would always be on, and it would always be dialled up to seismic levels of volume. There isn’t a house in Canada soundproofed enough that I wouldn’t be hearing his TV at all hours of the night. Sorry, I’m kind of hijacking Skald’s thread here, but I’m just expressing at a lower level of horror the same thing; sometimes you have to tell your parents to fuck off, and it’s very, very hard. I see we already have a commentator or two saying “bah, just walk away, it’s so easy.” It’s not. My sister really struggles with this; me not nearly as much, and she’s trying to learn from me, but still, I had to really steel myself to tell my Dad, nicely, that no way in hell we’d be sharing a house. **a35362** , perhaps my Dad doesn’t want to be alone, but inasmuch as all he does is watch television 12-14 hours a day he’s doing a great job making himself alone. I love my father but he’d be a horrible housemate for me and my daughter. ---
**Author:** ![Broomstick](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/broomstick/32/246_2.png) [@Broomstick](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Broomstick)\ **Post date:** [March 7, 2013, 3:10am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/no-dad-i-am-not-going-to-apologize-for-the-fact-that-you-cant-take-a-hint-long/652215/44 "2013-03-07T03:10:24Z")
> [@Anaamika](#): > > ETA: I had to go look up saddity. So did I. Also, I never knew the OP has “natural tan”, i.e. is black. Not that it matters, of course, but it did re-draw my mental picture of him. ---
**Author:** ![Pork\_Rind](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/pork_rind/32/111_2.png) [@Pork\_Rind](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Pork_Rind)\ **Post date:** [March 7, 2013, 3:17am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/no-dad-i-am-not-going-to-apologize-for-the-fact-that-you-cant-take-a-hint-long/652215/45 "2013-03-07T03:17:18Z")
> [@Skald\_the\_Rhymer](#): > > Okay, and Madonna. 80s/90s Madonna, anyway. I do not know what she looks like now and anyone who posts of picture of 2013 Madonna will be beaten with a stick. [It’s **go** time.](http://www.google.com/url?sa=i&rct=j&q=&esrc=s&source=images&cd=&cad=rja&docid=8E47olbXPj2iBM&tbnid=1gIUnRi-NHDvUM:&ved=0CAUQjRw&url=http%3A%2F%2Fwww.virginmedia.com%2Fcelebrity%2Fnews%2Fstory%2F2013%2F02%2F06%2Fmadonna-to-auction-outfits-for%2F&ei=TAY4UfvFG8qaqQGR4YDwCQ&bvm=bv.43287494,d.aWM&psig=AFQjCNH8o_7_0X4CWII_DXB9i9zL1nrhEg&ust=1362712514259838) ---
**Author:** ![moejoe](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/9de053/32.png) [@moejoe](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/moejoe)\ **Post date:** [March 7, 2013, 3:52am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/no-dad-i-am-not-going-to-apologize-for-the-fact-that-you-cant-take-a-hint-long/652215/46 "2013-03-07T03:52:48Z")
> [@Skald\_the\_Rhymer](#): > > It isn’t jive. Anyway, here’s the /sə•dɪ•ti/. Primary accent on the second syllable, secondary on the third; suh•DIH• tee. Huh, before you posted this I thought it meant the day before Sunday 🙂 ---
**Author:** ![SeaDragonTattoo](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/df705f/32.png) [@SeaDragonTattoo](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/SeaDragonTattoo)\ **Post date:** [March 7, 2013, 4:04am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/no-dad-i-am-not-going-to-apologize-for-the-fact-that-you-cant-take-a-hint-long/652215/47 "2013-03-07T04:04:39Z")
> [@Rhiannon8404](#): > > Oh man! I’m so sorry. > > I’m now feeling thankful the the worst I have at the moment is that my mom can’t seem to remember when I’m working or volunteering at the shelter (same schedule every week for ages now) and calls me at work to chat. Omg, I’ve had the same schedule for **eight years** and my mom still manages to call me while I’m at work 7 times out of 10. She also doesn’t remember which day of the week it is since she retired. But compared to **Skald** and some others in this thread, I’ll take it! ---
**Author:** ![Nava](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/n/da6949/32.png) [@Nava](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Nava)\ **Post date:** [March 7, 2013, 5:44am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/no-dad-i-am-not-going-to-apologize-for-the-fact-that-you-cant-take-a-hint-long/652215/48 "2013-03-07T05:44:50Z")
When I saw the title I thought “from what I know of Skald’s dad, the ‘hint’ part is an euphemism.” Do clue by fours come in cold iron? Congratulations on having four sane sisters! Mom has been trying to get me to move to her house / move her own ass into mine ever since Dad died. No. Seriously. The savings in the electrical bill would not be enough to pay for private psychiatric treatment including occasional inpatient stays. Her mother does the same to both daughters, and my aunt to her son. There ain’t enough shrinks. ---
**Author:** ![Taomist](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/t/53a042/32.png) [@Taomist](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Taomist)\ **Post date:** [March 7, 2013, 6:12am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/no-dad-i-am-not-going-to-apologize-for-the-fact-that-you-cant-take-a-hint-long/652215/49 "2013-03-07T06:12:16Z")
I also looked up saditty, and somehow just wasn’t very surprised to find one of the first links googled to be…here. 😛 > **[Etymology of "saditty"?](https://boards.straightdope.com/sdmb/showthread.php?t=324885)** > > saddity - sah-dit-TEE - n., slang - is an African-American word for “stuck-up superior-acting black folks.” I was wondering if anyone here had an idea of the regional and circa origin for the term. I suspect it’s west coast, but I’ve heard it used by... “Etymology of the word ‘saditty’” I feel smarter already! ---
**Author:** ![Boyo\_Jim](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/b/87869e/32.png) [@Boyo\_Jim](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Boyo_Jim)\ **Post date:** [March 7, 2013, 6:52am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/no-dad-i-am-not-going-to-apologize-for-the-fact-that-you-cant-take-a-hint-long/652215/50 "2013-03-07T06:52:52Z")
> [@Skald\_the\_Rhymer](#): > > … He was going do demand a reason no matter what. … “Why, you ask? Because Fuck You, Dad!” **click** ---
**Author:** ![The\_Second\_Stone](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/t/bbe5ce/32.png) [@The\_Second\_Stone](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/The_Second_Stone)\ **Post date:** [March 7, 2013, 6:53am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/no-dad-i-am-not-going-to-apologize-for-the-fact-that-you-cant-take-a-hint-long/652215/51 "2013-03-07T06:53:59Z")
I think you should just come out as white and hope that they love and accept you. If a brother can be the President of the United States your aging father can learn the common courtesy of calling before arriving. Humor aside, if he is not going to show you the respect of an adult, you don’t have to show him the respect of a parent and dropping everything. He was disrespectful in showing up unannounced, but this was the least of his transgressions. He was going to disrespect your plans and your hospitality to your other guests. Hospitality is an ancient custom and you know that he is going to make several plays to get you to disrespect your guests because he cannot help it. Yeah, not having time for your father and having him in your house is troubling, but it was making the best of a situation caused by his repeated and reliable disrespect for others. It’s one thing to treat you badly, you know what to expect. But he would have treated everyone else badly too. Cause he’s a bit of a self-centered and self-important ass. And your Daddy. Feel for you bud. As for your sister, what can I say? She’s educated and really ought to know better. ---
**Author:** ![Tim\_T-Bonham.net](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/t/46a35a/32.png) [@Tim\_T-Bonham.net](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Tim_T-Bonham.net)\ **Post date:** [March 7, 2013, 9:43am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/no-dad-i-am-not-going-to-apologize-for-the-fact-that-you-cant-take-a-hint-long/652215/52 "2013-03-07T09:43:48Z")
The true white Midwestern passive-aggressive response would have been “Sure Dad, I’ll buzz you in”, and then go back to cooking without doing so. Leave the intercom phone off the hook so he can’t call you again. But be prepared if he shows up, having persuaded some other tenant to let him in. ---
**Author:** ![gwendee](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/g/35a633/32.png) [@gwendee](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/gwendee)\ **Post date:** [March 7, 2013, 12:51pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/no-dad-i-am-not-going-to-apologize-for-the-fact-that-you-cant-take-a-hint-long/652215/53 "2013-03-07T12:51:24Z")
I am in awe of you. I would not have had the fortitude to not buzz him in,even knowing the extent to which it would ruin the evening for everyone I’d planned on entertaining. Go you! I’m always a little dubious when folks post how easy it is to just divorce yourself from your “toxic” parents. My mom is not truly toxic. She’s just mean. “You wouldn’t stay friends with someone who treated you like that.” Maybe it really is that easy for them, and so I’m happy for them. But my mom is my mom. Especially when you say “it’s what my mother would have wanted” I feel as if I understand why you aren’t inclined to cut off all ties. I’m sorry that you’re in the reindeer games phase. Won’t he relent when he realizes he misses your cooking? I long to throw sit down dinner parties. Thanks also for reminding me of something pleasant to think about regarding my latest ex husband. Red wine kisses in the years when he wasn’t smoking…mmm. He was a lousy husband, but an outstanding kisser. ---
**Author:** ![CrazyCatLady](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/c/dfb087/32.png) [@CrazyCatLady](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/CrazyCatLady)\ **Post date:** [March 7, 2013, 1:59pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/no-dad-i-am-not-going-to-apologize-for-the-fact-that-you-cant-take-a-hint-long/652215/54 "2013-03-07T13:59:03Z")
> [@Skald\_the\_Rhymer](#): > > She’d probably have objected to the lack of collard greens, too. This made me snort so hard my nose is still burning and the dog is scared. I hope you’re happy. Also, what’s up with your sister using saditty? Is “uppity” too white for her? ---
**Author:** ![Hershele\_Ostropoler](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/h/e47c2d/32.png) [@Hershele\_Ostropoler](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Hershele_Ostropoler)\ **Post date:** [March 7, 2013, 2:09pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/no-dad-i-am-not-going-to-apologize-for-the-fact-that-you-cant-take-a-hint-long/652215/55 "2013-03-07T14:09:04Z")
> [@Skald\_the\_Rhymer](#): > > ETA: As to the racial thing from my sister: It’s a bone of contention between us. We got into an argument recently because, in an otherwise-innocuous conversation, I used the word “innocuous.” She complained that I was using a big word; I replied that she has a master’s degree in social work and so surely knew that word, and at any rate I had used the first word that came to mind; she said that she doesn’t like using her brain after work, and anyway only someone trying to sound white would use that word. In her message, she claimed that the fact that I was doing a sit-down dinner with a set guest list was an attempt to be white. She’d probably have objected to the lack of collard greens, too. Just, um, curious: your sister has at least two degrees, any from institutions that formerly only enrolled white students? ---
**Author:** ![Anaamika](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/a/5f9b8f/32.png) [@Anaamika](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Anaamika)\ **Post date:** [March 7, 2013, 2:38pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/no-dad-i-am-not-going-to-apologize-for-the-fact-that-you-cant-take-a-hint-long/652215/56 "2013-03-07T14:38:11Z")
> [@Skald](#): > > Gimme the names of the name-callers and I will of course slap them for you. Unless they’re girls. You know the RhymerRules. It’s all right. The bitterness has mostly faded now. But thank you. > [@Ascenray](#): > > Well that’s the thing. In that culture, it’s not rude to show up unannounced. It’s the other way around. It’s rude to turn people away. Which is probably another reason I will NEVER move back to India. Here if people show up at your house unnannounced expecting food THEY are the rude ones. I once had a coworker show up at my door, long ago. She was very hurt that I wouldn’t let her in (though to her credit, she didn’t say anything - I could just see that.) Ever since then I’ve made it a point to ensure that in a new job I will always casually drop that I hate unexpected visitors. Hate them with a passion. > [@gwendee](#): > > I’m always a little dubious when folks post how easy it is to just divorce yourself from your “toxic” parents It’s not easy. I had to threaten to call the cops on mine before they would stop harassing me, showing up at my job and pinching my arm hard enough to leave bruises, calling me at all hours, having their friends call me, etc. And it broke my heart to do it. But I had to do it for my own sanity. And my certainty - I mean, they would have lost me my job and would have been happy about it because they thought it would have made me move back home. > [@](#): > > The crazy sister still thinks that my wife, our baby, and I should move in with Dad. She can’t imagine believe that we both consider owning of a yard a negative, not a positive. > [@](#): > > He’s gotten fixated on the idea of renting the house and moving in - with my astoundingly annoying freeloader brother-in-law and their two gigantic, vicious, untrained dogs. > [@](#): > > That was my Dad’s idea too. An inlaw suite. I’m glad I am not the only one in this position! I don’t know if I would ever be able to live with parents. I know I come from a position of not really liking my parents very much (though I love them) but my SO loves and likes his parents and he can’t move in with them, either. ---
**Author:** ![Mona\_Lisa\_Simpson](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/ce7236/32.png) [@Mona\_Lisa\_Simpson](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Mona_Lisa_Simpson)\ **Post date:** [March 7, 2013, 4:12pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/no-dad-i-am-not-going-to-apologize-for-the-fact-that-you-cant-take-a-hint-long/652215/57 "2013-03-07T16:12:47Z")
> [@RickJay](#): > > My parents pale in their irritation level next to this. I feel lucky. > > Of course, Dad wants to divorce my mother and… get this… buy a house with me. > > No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no. I am not becoming a sitcom. oh wow. Run far far far away from that one, **RickJay.** **Skald** , this had me laughing so I had to read it to my nine year old, and edit out the n-word. (I am such a white bread middle class Canadian oozing liberal guilt out of every pore I can’t even think the N word, nor can I say the actual words “N-word” out loud. And 8 am is no time to explain the racial stuff to my son who is in the non Asian minority at school… His best friends are from Brazil, (black and Hispanic) and Chinese Canadian.) I love grits and collard greens though, and feel bad you didn’t serve them at your dinner party. Are you Vegist against roughage? ---
**Author:** ![Asimovian](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/asimovian/32/172_2.png) [@Asimovian](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Asimovian)\ **Post date:** [March 7, 2013, 5:46pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/no-dad-i-am-not-going-to-apologize-for-the-fact-that-you-cant-take-a-hint-long/652215/58 "2013-03-07T17:46:05Z")
> [@Taomist](#): > > I also looked up saditty, and somehow just wasn’t very surprised to find one of the first links googled to be…here. 😛 > > [Etymology of "saditty"? - Factual Questions - Straight Dope Message Board](http://boards.straightdope.com/sdmb/showthread.php?t=324885) > > “Etymology of the word ‘saditty’” Did anyone else have an “Aw man — **Askia**!” reaction to this? ☹ Anyway, the first time I can recall hearing the term was in a Public Enemy song from “Apocalypse '91” album. And I believe that this thread is the second time I’ve heard it. Then again, I don’t get out much. ---
**Author:** ![Moonlitherial](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/4bbf92/32.png) [@Moonlitherial](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Moonlitherial)\ **Post date:** [March 7, 2013, 7:15pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/no-dad-i-am-not-going-to-apologize-for-the-fact-that-you-cant-take-a-hint-long/652215/59 "2013-03-07T19:15:19Z")
> [@gwendee](#): > > I’m always a little dubious when folks post how easy it is to just divorce yourself from your “toxic” parents. My mom is not truly toxic. She’s just mean. “You wouldn’t stay friends with someone who treated you like that.” Maybe it really is that easy for them, and so I’m happy for them. But my mom is my mom. Especially when you say “it’s what my mother would have wanted” I feel as if I understand why you aren’t inclined to cut off all ties. It’s not easy but for me it was easier. My inlaws still haven’t accepted it and every time we see them they ask me how she is. My reply is always “I hear she’s doing fine” My mothers family, all of my aunts and uncles and cousins still live in our small town and are quite firmly on her side. You see, moving to the big city gave me ideas and that’s why I don’t talk to her. Not because she’s never in her life said anything nice about me that didn’t have a sword buried in it, not because she refused to not smoke around my children, not because her idea of a fun conversation includes only: a) how long it’s been since I’ve called b) how long it’s been since I visited c) how my inlaws see my kids more than she does d) what a shame it is she doesn’t see my ex anymore e) how fat I’ve gotten and isn’t it a shame it always shows up in my face f) what a shame it is that I didn’t give up my career and stay home with the kids (doubly amusing since she worked in a factory her entire life and spent my childhood volunteering for as much overtime as she could in order to fund her bingo habit. She and Dad had a deal that only OT money could be spent on that) etc. Even with all of that and 5 years of successful distance I gave in and accepted one of her monthly facebook invitations. I haven’t unfriended her yet but it’s been close a couple times. ---
**Author:** ![redtail23](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/r/3e96dc/32.png) [@redtail23](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/redtail23)\ **Post date:** [March 7, 2013, 7:20pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/no-dad-i-am-not-going-to-apologize-for-the-fact-that-you-cant-take-a-hint-long/652215/60 "2013-03-07T19:20:02Z")
> [@Skald\_the\_Rhymer](#): > > It isn’t jive. Damn, it’s a sad world when an _Airplane_ reference falls so very flat. At one point, I had my phone number listed in my snake’s name, to avoid having to deal with my mom. This was somewhat…awkward…when she showed up at my house and walked in, while I was on the phone. Yeah, parents can be a real bitch. I think you dealt with it as best it could be. They’ll get over it, y’know. Although they’ll probably nag on it occasionally for years. [Previous page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/no-dad-i-am-not-going-to-apologize-for-the-fact-that-you-cant-take-a-hint-long/652215.md?page=2) [Next page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/no-dad-i-am-not-going-to-apologize-for-the-fact-that-you-cant-take-a-hint-long/652215.md?page=4)