# No, I don't want to hold your goddamn baby! **URL:** \ **Category:** The BBQ Pit\ **Created:** [December 22, 2014, 2:45am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/no-i-dont-want-to-hold-your-goddamn-baby/707877 "2014-12-22T02:45:48Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 20\ **Page:** 3
**Author:** ![Dung\_Beetle](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/dung_beetle/32/7945_2.png) [@Dung\_Beetle](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Dung_Beetle)\ **Post date:** [December 22, 2014, 5:04pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/no-i-dont-want-to-hold-your-goddamn-baby/707877/41 "2014-12-22T17:04:52Z")
I’m a new grandma, as of about a month ago, but I still don’t get excited about babies the way I do puppies or kittens. People at work ask me about the grandkid and I say, “Well, it looks just like a baby.” Only from now on, I’m going to say, “Well, it looks just like a goddamn baby.” ---
**Author:** ![YogSothoth](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/y/8edcca/32.png) [@YogSothoth](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/YogSothoth)\ **Post date:** [December 22, 2014, 5:05pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/no-i-dont-want-to-hold-your-goddamn-baby/707877/42 "2014-12-22T17:05:20Z")
Sounds like a great time for your Parkinson’s to act up ---
**Author:** ![Stonebow](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/ed8c4c/32.png) [@Stonebow](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Stonebow)\ **Post date:** [December 22, 2014, 5:13pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/no-i-dont-want-to-hold-your-goddamn-baby/707877/43 "2014-12-22T17:13:01Z")
Wow, you people are lucky. Apparently, I have the sort of face that says ‘I hate babies,’ even though I really do enjoy holding them. However, I have also discovered that there is not good way for to ask someone to hold their baby without coming off as a creep. _sigh_ ---
**Author:** ![Katriona](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/katriona/32/113_2.png) [@Katriona](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Katriona)\ **Post date:** [December 22, 2014, 5:13pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/no-i-dont-want-to-hold-your-goddamn-baby/707877/44 "2014-12-22T17:13:50Z")
> [@flatlined](#): > > My suggestion is to always be holding the dog, that way your arms are full. What, the dog is a full grown St Bernard? So just sit on the floor…then your arms and lap is full. And if/when that’s not an option, keep your arms firmly behind your back, so they have to keep hold of the baby or drop it. ---
**Author:** ![Yllaria](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/yllaria/32/3452_2.png) [@Yllaria](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Yllaria)\ **Post date:** [December 22, 2014, 6:40pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/no-i-dont-want-to-hold-your-goddamn-baby/707877/45 "2014-12-22T18:40:00Z")
I flew to Phoenix last week to hold a baby. Of course, she leaked very little and still had that new baby smell. That helped. Also, her parents, exhausted though they were, whisked her away to change shirts and/or diapers as soon as needed. Between that and her sleeping like an estivating _Cyclorana platycephala_, she was easy to hold. Cute, too. Is this a friends or a family occurrance? I only ask out of extreme nosiness. ---
**Author:** ![Chefguy](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/chefguy/32/138_2.png) [@Chefguy](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Chefguy)\ **Post date:** [December 22, 2014, 6:46pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/no-i-dont-want-to-hold-your-goddamn-baby/707877/46 "2014-12-22T18:46:13Z")
> [@Yllaria](#): > > Of course, she leaked very little and still had that new baby smell. I had a Ford like that. The smell is just off-gassing. ---
**Author:** ![FeAudrey](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/f/7feea3/32.png) [@FeAudrey](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/FeAudrey)\ **Post date:** [December 22, 2014, 6:57pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/no-i-dont-want-to-hold-your-goddamn-baby/707877/47 "2014-12-22T18:57:21Z")
> [@Stonebow](#): > > … there is not good way for to ask someone to hold their baby without coming off as a creep. _sigh_ I say something like, “Can I give him/her a little cuddle?”. ---
**Author:** ![Macca26](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/13edae/32.png) [@Macca26](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Macca26)\ **Post date:** [December 22, 2014, 7:04pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/no-i-dont-want-to-hold-your-goddamn-baby/707877/48 "2014-12-22T19:04:31Z")
> [@Folly](#): > > This. I find it very hard to believe any parent is trying to get someone to hold their baby who demonstrated any reluctance in holding a baby. > > Now, I can believe that someone holding someone else’s baby might try to get you to hold it. I was quite emphatic that I didn’t want to hold my brother’s baby. I even put my hands up in the “stop” motion and backed away slightly. But then he put that baby against me and started letting go and uh, yep, I’m going to do my best to not drop that baby because he was sure as hell about to if I didn’t grab it. But the look on my face combined with the dangerous way I sort of held it meant that baby was taken by someone else quite fast. Thankfully he has never tried to make me hold a baby since. ---
**Author:** ![Drunky\_Smurf](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/drunky_smurf/32/449_2.png) [@Drunky\_Smurf](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Drunky_Smurf)\ **Post date:** [December 22, 2014, 7:55pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/no-i-dont-want-to-hold-your-goddamn-baby/707877/49 "2014-12-22T19:55:41Z")
> [@Canadjun](#): > > Huh? I’ve never run into anyone whose ass is big enough to hold a baby! :eek: You’re one of the lucky ones who somehow happened to miss the Kardashian showing her ass off to the world in the Paper magazine. That ass could hold a Volvo. I envy you. ---
**Author:** ![RandMcnally](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/r/b782af/32.png) [@RandMcnally](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/RandMcnally)\ **Post date:** [December 22, 2014, 8:00pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/no-i-dont-want-to-hold-your-goddamn-baby/707877/50 "2014-12-22T20:00:40Z")
I don’t get people foisting their baby on others. Now, I’m definitely the “nothing on my facebook but pictures of my kid because I have the cutest kid in the world” type, but the only people I ever asked if they wanted to hold Eliana was if they were close friends (who are all people who are good with kids. And only after I got the vibe that they wanted to hold her). Other than that, I don’t necessarily want anyone else to hold her. People are dirty. And they might drop her. Also, it doesn’t help that I saw [this](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=NRtvqT_wMeY) music video when I was younger, so I’m definitely paranoid. ---
**Author:** ![Knowed\_Out](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/knowed_out/32/7380_2.png) [@Knowed\_Out](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Knowed_Out)\ **Post date:** [December 22, 2014, 9:11pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/no-i-dont-want-to-hold-your-goddamn-baby/707877/51 "2014-12-22T21:11:09Z")
Sure, I’ll be glad to. Plenty of room in this unregistered van. ---
**Author:** ![Penfeather](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/penfeather/32/384_2.png) [@Penfeather](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Penfeather)\ **Post date:** [December 22, 2014, 11:05pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/no-i-dont-want-to-hold-your-goddamn-baby/707877/52 "2014-12-22T23:05:49Z")
> [@Stonebow](#): > > Wow, you people are lucky. Apparently, I have the sort of face that says ‘I hate babies,’ even though I really do enjoy holding them. However, I have also discovered that there is not good way for to ask someone to hold their baby without coming off as a creep. _sigh_ Really? I’m a fairly large 46 year old guy, and it’s a running joke with all the women in the office that if a baby is brought in, it needs to get handed over to me. I love babies, and one of the more tiresome aspects of the internet is the idea that pretending an exaggerated dislike of them is some sort of cool, mysterious detachment from petty human concerns. It doesn’t make you a moody but interesting loner, it makes you the adolescent sitting alone on the stairs at a party sighing with an secret aloof disdain for these trivial antics and secretly hoping that a girl will be entranced by your lofty, troubled solitude. Babies are cool. ---
**Author:** ![Alessan](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/alessan/32/465_2.png) [@Alessan](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Alessan)\ **Post date:** [December 22, 2014, 11:10pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/no-i-dont-want-to-hold-your-goddamn-baby/707877/53 "2014-12-22T23:10:45Z")
Plus, I’ve had women tell me that holding a baby makes a guy look sexy. ---
**Author:** ![bobot](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/bobot/32/21622_2.png) [@bobot](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/bobot)\ **Post date:** [December 22, 2014, 11:23pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/no-i-dont-want-to-hold-your-goddamn-baby/707877/54 "2014-12-22T23:23:19Z")
> [@Penfeather](#): > > … one of the more tiresome aspects of the internet is the idea that pretending an exaggerated dislike of them is some sort of cool, mysterious detachment … This didn’t happen to me on the internet. It was at a family holiday party. _YOU_ hold the goddamn baby, then. ---
**Author:** ![lorene](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/l/65b543/32.png) [@lorene](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/lorene)\ **Post date:** [December 22, 2014, 11:24pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/no-i-dont-want-to-hold-your-goddamn-baby/707877/55 "2014-12-22T23:24:15Z")
> [@Penfeather](#): > > Really? I’m a fairly large 46 year old guy, and it’s a running joke with all the women in the office that if a baby is brought in, it needs to get handed over to me. I love babies, and one of the more tiresome aspects of the internet is the idea that pretending an exaggerated dislike of them is some sort of cool, mysterious detachment from petty human concerns. It doesn’t make you a moody but interesting loner, it makes you the adolescent sitting alone on the stairs at a party sighing with an secret aloof disdain for these trivial antics and secretly hoping that a girl will be entranced by your lofty, troubled solitude. Babies are cool. I love you. My babies are big now, else I’d let you hold them. ---
**Author:** ![TruCelt](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/trucelt/32/523_2.png) [@TruCelt](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/TruCelt)\ **Post date:** [December 22, 2014, 11:24pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/no-i-dont-want-to-hold-your-goddamn-baby/707877/56 "2014-12-22T23:24:50Z")
Awwwww!!! The squidgey whooshems izza cutie ittle sweetums yezzie is!!! Yezzie is!!! Just shut up and pass him down. There is never any shortage of willing arms for a newborn. ---
**Author:** ![Chefguy](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/chefguy/32/138_2.png) [@Chefguy](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Chefguy)\ **Post date:** [December 23, 2014, 12:04am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/no-i-dont-want-to-hold-your-goddamn-baby/707877/57 "2014-12-23T00:04:47Z")
> [@Alessan](#): > > Plus, I’ve had women tell me that holding a baby makes a guy look sexy. That ship has long since sailed for me. ---
**Author:** ![curlcoat](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/c/ea5d25/32.png) [@curlcoat](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/curlcoat)\ **Post date:** [December 23, 2014, 12:29am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/no-i-dont-want-to-hold-your-goddamn-baby/707877/58 "2014-12-23T00:29:21Z")
> [@Folly](#): > > This. I find it very hard to believe any parent is trying to get someone to hold their baby who demonstrated any reluctance in holding a baby. People used to try to do this to me all the time, as if just holding something smelly and sort of alien looking would suddenly make me want one of my own. > [@Leaffan](#): > > I’ll hold your baby. > > I’m not a misanthrope. Not wanting to hold something that is being forced on you is hardly misanthropic. > [@Macca26](#): > > I was quite emphatic that I didn’t want to hold my brother’s baby. I even put my hands up in the “stop” motion and backed away slightly. But then he put that baby against me and started letting go and uh, yep, I’m going to do my best to not drop that baby because he was sure as hell about to if I didn’t grab it. I had one of these - not quite that bad because I was sitting down, but because I didn’t believe my cousin would actually drop the baby, he landed in my lap, much to his disapproval. Then she got mad at me. ---
**Author:** ![Jackmannii](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/jackmannii/32/311_2.png) [@Jackmannii](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Jackmannii)\ **Post date:** [December 23, 2014, 12:31am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/no-i-dont-want-to-hold-your-goddamn-baby/707877/59 "2014-12-23T00:31:45Z")
> [@Canadjun](#): > > Huh? I’ve never run into anyone whose ass is big enough to hold a baby! Never visited Ohio, I see. > [@Penfeather](#): > > Babies are cool. If they’re below room temperature, you might be doing something wrong. :eek: ---
**Author:** ![LavenderBlue](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/l/e95f7d/32.png) [@LavenderBlue](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/LavenderBlue)\ **Post date:** [December 23, 2014, 1:17am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/no-i-dont-want-to-hold-your-goddamn-baby/707877/60 "2014-12-23T01:17:21Z")
None of you are holding my baby so don’t worry about it. This was a real pain in the rear a few years ago when I had an actual baby and a block full of mothers who realized their own kids were growing up and their ovaries were calling out for another one. My baby was the toast of the block. I was happy to accommodate all but the neighborhood anti-vax loon who was politely told that the baby was asleep every time she happened to appear on my door. [Previous page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/no-i-dont-want-to-hold-your-goddamn-baby/707877.md?page=2) [Next page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/no-i-dont-want-to-hold-your-goddamn-baby/707877.md?page=4)