# No, I don't want to use your stupid voice menu **URL:** \ **Category:** Miscellaneous and Personal Stuff I Must Share\ **Created:** [March 26, 2010, 9:08pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/no-i-dont-want-to-use-your-stupid-voice-menu/533941 "2010-03-26T21:08:32Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 12\ **Page:** 2
**Author:** ![amarinth](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/a/3be4f8/32.png) [@amarinth](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/amarinth)\ **Post date:** [March 27, 2010, 2:55pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/no-i-dont-want-to-use-your-stupid-voice-menu/533941/21 "2010-03-27T14:55:11Z")
Virgin Mobile, not only does it not understand anything you say, but it uses slang. I hate that system. > [@Alice\_The\_Goon](#): > > I call Medco from work a lot, and their system is the _worst_. They force you to go through it before you get any chance of speaking to someone. Just thinking about it almost makes me have a seizure, it’s so infuriating. It is, naturally, incredibly slow, insisting on verifying each and every answer, “you answered 5…2…0…etc, etc., if this is correct, please press 1”. It will take 10-15 minutes to get to the end, and then right at the last minute, it won’t hear you correctly. You’ll say yes, it’ll think you said no, then it will apologize for your having a problem, then you’ll get to wait for a person. \*%#&!!! I used to hate that menu. Hate it. And since the only reason I would ever call Medco in the first place is because they had made a mistake, By the time I got to a person, I was angry at them for having made a mistake and angry at them for having made me go through their damn voice mail system. And since, invariably, the first question from the agent would be “Can you give me your account number” (the one I’d just had to enter into the telephone 3 times)… are these systems designed to provoke the customers into phone rage? ---
**Author:** ![MeanOldLady](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/meanoldlady/32/10737_2.png) [@MeanOldLady](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/MeanOldLady)\ **Post date:** [March 27, 2010, 3:08pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/no-i-dont-want-to-use-your-stupid-voice-menu/533941/22 "2010-03-27T15:08:29Z")
> [@Fuzzy\_Dunlop](#): > > Also, everyone who hates robots should bookmark [http://gethuman.com/](http://gethuman.com/) Sweet. > [@Fuzzy\_Dunlop](#): > > Have you ever run into a phone system that jerks you around for 5 minutes then tells you they’re sorry you’re having trouble with their system and that YOU should call back when you think you can do better, and hangs up on you? I have. It’s one of the most annoying things in the whole world. > [@ENugent](#): > > I’m looking at you, Qwest. Double ha! Yes. Fucking Qwest. I’m usually a fan of the press zero over and over, or keep saying “operator” technique, to which those murderous whores at Qwest have responded, “Fuck you.” As if the horrible voice robot wasn’t a big enough of a FU. Some places let you key or voice, even if they don’t say so. If they ever give me a list of things to say, I press the corresponding number and see if it gets me anywhere. Sometimes it does. ---
**Author:** ![Sunspace](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/sunspace/32/1250_2.png) [@Sunspace](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Sunspace)\ **Post date:** [March 27, 2010, 3:09pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/no-i-dont-want-to-use-your-stupid-voice-menu/533941/23 "2010-03-27T15:09:54Z")
The horrible irony is that humans pressing numbers and generating tones was designed in the sixties as the ideal _input_ system for telephone menus. Voice was only to be used by the system for feedback. That way, each side of the system was able to work in the best way it could. I wish they’d make the voice recognizer systems optional. They should be able to transfer to a numeric menu or an operator at any time by pressing zero. ---
**Author:** ![Brown\_Eyed\_Girl](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/brown_eyed_girl/32/3574_2.png) [@Brown\_Eyed\_Girl](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Brown_Eyed_Girl)\ **Post date:** [March 27, 2010, 4:36pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/no-i-dont-want-to-use-your-stupid-voice-menu/533941/24 "2010-03-27T16:36:42Z")
> [@runner pat](#): > > Bog standard Californian here. Calling Social Security, enunciating very carefully. > Give name. > “You said; Renned Tap, is this correct?” > No, tries again. > “You said; Banned Rap, is this correct?” > No, tries again. > “You said; Ratted Bap, is this correct?” > No, tries again. > “You said; Ruttled Red, is this correct?” > Hangs up, puts head through wall, drives to office. [Susan?](http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=kYmWRNZ_0ys) ---
**Author:** ![Alice\_The\_Goon](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/a/ed8c4c/32.png) [@Alice\_The\_Goon](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Alice_The_Goon)\ **Post date:** [March 27, 2010, 4:58pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/no-i-dont-want-to-use-your-stupid-voice-menu/533941/25 "2010-03-27T16:58:14Z")
> [@MeanOldLady](#): > > Double ha! Yes. Fucking Qwest. I’m usually a fan of the press zero over and over, or keep saying “operator” technique, to which those murderous whores at Qwest have responded, “Fuck you.” As if the horrible voice robot wasn’t a big enough of a FU. Some places let you key or voice, even if they don’t say so. If they ever give me a list of things to say, I press the corresponding number and see if it gets me anywhere. Sometimes it does. People at Qwest have answered the phone “fuck you”? I would be horrified, and somebody would be in big trouble. I believe you, but my god, that’s nuts. I’ve have entirely different experiences with Qwest in the last ten years- they’ve been excellent in their customer service to me. I must be lucky! ---
**Author:** ![may\_be\_ignorant](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/c5a1d2/32.png) [@may\_be\_ignorant](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/may_be_ignorant)\ **Post date:** [March 27, 2010, 6:09pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/no-i-dont-want-to-use-your-stupid-voice-menu/533941/26 "2010-03-27T18:09:47Z")
> [@DiosaBellissima](#): > > Yes. And it’s about that time that I scream into the phone, then set it on fire. Ha! ---
**Author:** ![Not\_a\_Platypus](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/n/d26b3c/32.png) [@Not\_a\_Platypus](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Not_a_Platypus)\ **Post date:** [March 27, 2010, 6:54pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/no-i-dont-want-to-use-your-stupid-voice-menu/533941/27 "2010-03-27T18:54:43Z")
> [@EvilTOJ](#): > > Voice recognition works best with no background noise, and no accents. Usually when I hear someone complain about voice menus, they’re the ones that don’t speak normally when using one. They slow down and think they’re speaking more clearly, but my understanding is these systems are designed to recognize words spoken at a normal pace and tone. My dad, for example, has no accent to speak of and can never get these systems to recognize his name. Instead of “Pat” he’ll say " PAAAAAAT". Everyone I’ve actually heard use these systems does the same thing. Is it any wonder you can’t get through if you’re talking like that? ---
**Author:** ![AHunter3](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/ahunter3/32/368_2.png) [@AHunter3](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/AHunter3)\ **Post date:** [March 27, 2010, 6:56pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/no-i-dont-want-to-use-your-stupid-voice-menu/533941/28 "2010-03-27T18:56:36Z")
I hate the ones that flat-out don’t _have_ a bail-out “let me talk to something that has a bloodflow” option. Sometimes you _know_ that your reason for calling is not going to be accomodated by any of their menu options, no matter how deeply buried. “If you inadvertently cancelled your service and therefore do not have a valid logon at this time, and are not sure whether or not you can declare your cancellation to have been an error or if, instead, your only option is to reapply from scratch, press 291” “If you received a message on your answering machine that purports to be from us, alleging that you owe money despite the fact that you do not have an account with us and therefore have no account number to enter, please press pound if you could make out the name or extension of the individual who left the message; if the name and extension were garbled and incoherent, please press 73,206” “You have reached the queue for people who are calling about out of production hardware manufactured by one of the companies we acquired in the merger in order to find out whether companies that used to provice maintenance contract work can be identified in case they still work on those types of equipment after maintenance contract periods have expired. Using the letters on your touchtone phone, please spell out the original name of the acquired corporation. If you do not know the name of the original corporation please press 14,101 followed by the star key and then the brand name as it appears on the faceplace of the product itself, followed by the pound key. If you reached this queue in error and intended to be transferred to the que for people who are calling about hardware that is still in production but for which you only have the model or brand name used by the former corporation that we acquired in a merger, please press star 1939125 and wait for the prompt” ---
**Author:** ![MeanOldLady](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/meanoldlady/32/10737_2.png) [@MeanOldLady](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/MeanOldLady)\ **Post date:** [March 27, 2010, 7:53pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/no-i-dont-want-to-use-your-stupid-voice-menu/533941/29 "2010-03-27T19:53:02Z")
> [@Alice\_The\_Goon](#): > > People at Qwest have answered the phone “fuck you”? I would be horrified, and somebody would be in big trouble. I believe you, but my god, that’s nuts. > > I’ve have entirely different experiences with Qwest in the last ten years- they’ve been excellent in their customer service to me. I must be lucky! Ha ha. No, they they have not answered any of my calls (yet) with “Fuck you for calling Qwest.” I’m saying that Qwest is one of those companies that forces you to use their shoddy voice recognition program, and if you can’t get to where you want using it, because you keep saying “operator” over and over again, or you keep pressing zero, are not allowed to key numbers at all, or if the damn voice program just can’t understand your speech, their robot tells you to call back later, then hangs up. This just sounds like a royal “Fuck you!” by the company to me. ---
**Author:** ![BigT](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/bigt/32/12044_2.png) [@BigT](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/BigT)\ **Post date:** [March 28, 2010, 5:58am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/no-i-dont-want-to-use-your-stupid-voice-menu/533941/30 "2010-03-28T05:58:38Z")
> [@Valgard](#): > > I kinda feel bad for the poor bastards who actually record all the prompts. Someday one of them will be out in public and have to ask a question which sounds like one of those horrible lines and it’s gonna get them killed. > > “You said ‘chicken kiblets’, is that correct?” > > “No, I said the daily special is…wait a minute, you’re that jackass from ATT’s help line, aren’t you?” > > “NO! I swear it’s not me!” > > (Sound of man being shoved into an oven by enraged mob) Sounds like a modern episode of Seinfeld. ---
**Author:** ![Cicero](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/cicero/32/3594_2.png) [@Cicero](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Cicero)\ **Post date:** [March 28, 2010, 1:14pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/no-i-dont-want-to-use-your-stupid-voice-menu/533941/31 "2010-03-28T13:14:27Z")
I just pray they never play back the recordings. My profanity would make all blush. ---
**Author:** ![flodnak](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/f/838e76/32.png) [@flodnak](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/flodnak)\ **Post date:** [March 28, 2010, 2:24pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/no-i-dont-want-to-use-your-stupid-voice-menu/533941/32 "2010-03-28T14:24:48Z")
[And in a fascinating coincidence…](http://comics.com/arlo&janis/2010-03-28/) (Comic strip, safe for work, even if it _is_ Arlo & Janis. [Previous page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/no-i-dont-want-to-use-your-stupid-voice-menu/533941.md?page=1)