# No, I'm not a baby making machine... **URL:** \ **Category:** Miscellaneous and Personal Stuff I Must Share\ **Created:** [October 8, 2004, 2:02am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/no-im-not-a-baby-making-machine/268138 "2004-10-08T02:02:11Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 20\ **Page:** 2
**Author:** ![garius](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/g/e19b73/32.png) [@garius](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/garius)\ **Post date:** [October 8, 2004, 1:34pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/no-im-not-a-baby-making-machine/268138/21 "2004-10-08T13:34:48Z")
**Siddles up to womanOfScorn** Blimey. Now this is a crime! What right does a beautiful woman such as yourself 'ave to look so down? No wait! Don’t tell me - its baby problems innit, and don’t be denying it cos i can tell by that glint in your eye that i’m right. Now i know whats goin’ through your mind petal. Youse is thinkin’ “How does this ‘ere dodgy geezer in the pub what i have not been knowing for more than 2 minutes know how I is thinkin’? And, more important like, who the hell is he and 'ow do i gets rid of him toot sweet!” And thems both fair questions i’ll hold me 'ands up and admit that. Well first off let me introduce meself - for i am being remiss in me manners! Me name’s **Garius** but most people round 'ere call me “The Stork” - and with good reason if i may say so myself. And i think its fair to say, my lovelly, that i is the answer to your problems. You see petal, i know _exactly_ what your problem is. Not because i’m one of those magicians like that Daniel Copperfield or that Dennis Blaine bloke, but because i have seen it many times before. Many’s the time i’ve been sitting in a fine drinking establishment such as this when out of the blue i ‘ave found meself chatting to some poor sod at the bar who’s avin’ problems with the missus. “Gary,” They always say, “I’m getting long in the years and i need a son. But the War Office ain’t co-operating! Why is it that she won’t give me the heir i do so rightly deserve?” And my answer to them is always the same. “Because, my mate,” I always says to them, “You is forgetting that yours is the easy part in the process. A quick pop beneath the sheets and two minutes of fumbling and you’ve done the business for queen and country, if you know what i mean. Your dear lady wife, on the other hand, has to spend nine months doin’ her bit - no wonder she ain’t 'appy about it!” “Thats true enough” Says them normally, “So how do i rectify this imbalance?” And this sweet cheeks, is where i have your solution! **whips out a folder full of baby photos** For I am offering you the chance to skip those nine months and jump straight to the part where you get to mould a beautiful bouncing new human being in your own image. Just browse through this selection and pick one that you fancy. When you’ve found something thats similar to you what you want i will get one custom built for you that matches perfectly your requirements. i personally guarantee that it will be of the highest quality and delivered to your very own door within three days, for the cost of only a very small handling fee. A small fee, i might add, that its probably not worth us bothering the taxman about. Anyway, i can see you want to think this over, so i’ll leave you this folder to peruse and leave you alone for a while - just let me know when you’ve found one you like - i’ll be perched on the corner of the bar over there. I think its fair to say, pumpkin, that _this_ is your lucky day… **Siddles away again** ---
**Author:** ![Bosda\_Di\_Chi\_of\_Tricor](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/bosda_di_chi_of_tricor/32/16845_2.png) [@Bosda\_Di\_Chi\_of\_Tricor](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Bosda_Di_Chi_of_Tricor)\ **Post date:** [October 8, 2004, 1:40pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/no-im-not-a-baby-making-machine/268138/22 "2004-10-08T13:40:10Z")
\*\*garius \*\* sells badgers? Who knew? 😕😕😕 ---
**Author:** ![susan\_foster](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/d9b06d/32.png) [@susan\_foster](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/susan_foster)\ **Post date:** [October 8, 2004, 1:56pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/no-im-not-a-baby-making-machine/268138/23 "2004-10-08T13:56:30Z")
> [@Lsura](#): > > But you know, dear, you’re not getting any younger. Oh, and by the way, if you get artificially inseminated, it’s not like you’re cheating on your future husband or anything like that\*. > > \*Yes, I was really told this by my aunt. It’s been nearly a year, and I’m still dumbfounded that she actually said that. “Honey, if you’re not married by the time you’re thirty, have you considered adoption?” From my mom - more than once. Susan ---
**Author:** ![Sattua](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/sattua/32/11906_2.png) [@Sattua](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Sattua)\ **Post date:** [October 8, 2004, 1:57pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/no-im-not-a-baby-making-machine/268138/24 "2004-10-08T13:57:54Z")
> [@WomanofScorn](#): > > That phrase haunts me day and night. Mostly at night by the husband, ahem. You _do_ know that with the miracles that modern medicine has brought, it’s possible to be haunted every day and every night–and most mornings too–and _not_ be a baby making machine? ---
**Author:** ![Draelin](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/d/ce73a5/32.png) [@Draelin](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Draelin)\ **Post date:** [October 8, 2004, 2:00pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/no-im-not-a-baby-making-machine/268138/25 "2004-10-08T14:00:15Z")
True story, happened to a friend of mine … Female Relation of Some Sort: When are you going to have a baby? Friend: When they start making them low-carb. I’m on Atkins, you know. ---
**Author:** ![Tony\_Montana](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/t/278dde/32.png) [@Tony\_Montana](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Tony_Montana)\ **Post date:** [October 8, 2004, 2:02pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/no-im-not-a-baby-making-machine/268138/26 "2004-10-08T14:02:26Z")
> [@WomanofScorn](#): > > Something’s in the air. They’re not your legs. ---
**Author:** ![Doctor\_Jackson](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/doctor_jackson/32/32_2.png) [@Doctor\_Jackson](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Doctor_Jackson)\ **Post date:** [October 8, 2004, 3:28pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/no-im-not-a-baby-making-machine/268138/27 "2004-10-08T15:28:23Z")
Whose legs are they, then? ---
**Author:** ![melondeca](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/b5a626/32.png) [@melondeca](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/melondeca)\ **Post date:** [October 8, 2004, 3:30pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/no-im-not-a-baby-making-machine/268138/28 "2004-10-08T15:30:55Z")
**Woman of Scorn** I completely sympathize with you. Well maybe not completely because my SO respects my wishes to never have children but I hear it from everyone else. For example, the following is a conversation I had with my stepmother. Mom: So when are you going to have kids? Me: I don’t want kids…I am too selfish and I think it is good that I can acknowledge that fact. Mom: What is your favorite food? Me: Huh? Lobster I guess. Mom: Well how did you know you liked lobster until you tried it? Me: WHAT? How can you even compare the two? If I tried lobster and didn’t like it, all I had to do was spit it out. If I tried children, I would have to “chew” for at least 18 years until I could spit it out. I can’t believe you even said that. :smack: As a side note, my stepmother is a counselor. Frightening ---
**Author:** ![astro](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/a/9dc877/32.png) [@astro](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/astro)\ **Post date:** [October 8, 2004, 3:52pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/no-im-not-a-baby-making-machine/268138/29 "2004-10-08T15:52:38Z")
What! You don’t want one of [these!](http://cbcl.mit.edu/cbcl/people/chikas-baby.jpg) How about one of [these](http://www.scat.demon.co.uk/Clementine/Bath%20night.JPG) Or one of [those.](http://daphne.palomar.edu/hgerhardt/images/Baby%20Excellent.jpg) [Cue Enya music] Potential life is radiating from within you. You must acknowledge it and become one with the vast tapestry of life. [/Cue Enya music] ---
**Author:** ![Bosda\_Di\_Chi\_of\_Tricor](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/bosda_di_chi_of_tricor/32/16845_2.png) [@Bosda\_Di\_Chi\_of\_Tricor](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Bosda_Di_Chi_of_Tricor)\ **Post date:** [October 8, 2004, 3:59pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/no-im-not-a-baby-making-machine/268138/30 "2004-10-08T15:59:23Z")
> [@astro](#): > > What! You don’t want one of [these!](http://cbcl.mit.edu/cbcl/people/chikas-baby.jpg) > > How about one of [these](http://www.scat.demon.co.uk/Clementine/Bath%20night.JPG) > > Or one of [those.](http://daphne.palomar.edu/hgerhardt/images/Baby%20Excellent.jpg) > [Cue Enya music] Potential life is radiating from within you. You must acknowledge it and become one with the vast tapestry of life. [/Cue Enya music] No-no-no. She wants one of [THESE](http://www.whc.net/cdwr/Tour/badger.jpg). Or [THIS]([http://www.badgers.bc.ca/face%20(R.jpg)](http://www.badgers.bc.ca/face%20(R.jpg)) little cutie. ---
**Author:** ![ivylass](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/i/9de053/32.png) [@ivylass](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/ivylass)\ **Post date:** [October 8, 2004, 4:26pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/no-im-not-a-baby-making-machine/268138/31 "2004-10-08T16:26:09Z")
> [@WomanofScorn](#): > > Something’s in the air. I’m getting hit from all sides. > > “when are you going to have a baby?” > > That phrase haunts me day and night. Mostly at night by the husband, ahem. Wait a second. Your husband wants kids, and you don’t? How did you guys get together if you have such a difference of opinion in this area? I also like, “When are you going to have a baby,” from your husband. What, does he think they fall out of the sky\> ---
**Author:** ![Flander](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/f/8c91f0/32.png) [@Flander](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Flander)\ **Post date:** [October 8, 2004, 4:33pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/no-im-not-a-baby-making-machine/268138/32 "2004-10-08T16:33:51Z")
_sings_ Vagina junction what’s your function? Takin’ in sperm and spittin’ out babies!" ---
**Author:** ![tdn](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/t/94ad74/32.png) [@tdn](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/tdn)\ **Post date:** [October 8, 2004, 4:40pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/no-im-not-a-baby-making-machine/268138/33 "2004-10-08T16:40:42Z")
> [@susan\_foster](#): > > “Honey, if you’re not married by the time you’re thirty, have you considered adoption?” “I’ve been considering it since I first saw you, ma.” ---
**Author:** ![BrotherCadfael](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/b/977dab/32.png) [@BrotherCadfael](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/BrotherCadfael)\ **Post date:** [October 8, 2004, 4:49pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/no-im-not-a-baby-making-machine/268138/34 "2004-10-08T16:49:40Z")
> [@Keapon Laffin](#): > > :mad: SILENCE WOMAN! And get back into the kitchen! I’m hungry! > … > … > … > 😃 And take those damn shoes off! 😃 ---
**Author:** ![Mehitabel](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/8797f3/32.png) [@Mehitabel](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Mehitabel)\ **Post date:** [October 8, 2004, 5:07pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/no-im-not-a-baby-making-machine/268138/35 "2004-10-08T17:07:01Z")
Frankly, I do feel a bit bad for your husband. I mean, didn’t this come up at all before you got married? Maybe I’m old-fashioned, but I think most men and women get married expecting to start a family, unless they’ve agreed beforehand that they’re not going to try. ---
**Author:** ![Ghanima](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/g/9e8a1a/32.png) [@Ghanima](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Ghanima)\ **Post date:** [October 8, 2004, 5:10pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/no-im-not-a-baby-making-machine/268138/36 "2004-10-08T17:10:32Z")
Badgers!?!?!?!?! We don’t need no stinkin’ BADGERS!!! ---
**Author:** ![Loach](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/loach/32/350_2.png) [@Loach](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Loach)\ **Post date:** [October 8, 2004, 5:39pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/no-im-not-a-baby-making-machine/268138/37 "2004-10-08T17:39:27Z")
I thought you get married _because_ you’re pregnant. At least thats what happ…oh never mind. ---
**Author:** ![GingerOfTheNorth](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/g/cdc98d/32.png) [@GingerOfTheNorth](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/GingerOfTheNorth)\ **Post date:** [October 8, 2004, 5:41pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/no-im-not-a-baby-making-machine/268138/38 "2004-10-08T17:41:28Z")
> [@Mehitabel](#): > > Frankly, I do feel a bit bad for your husband. I mean, didn’t this come up at all before you got married? Maybe I’m old-fashioned, but I think most men and women get married expecting to start a family, unless they’ve agreed beforehand that they’re not going to try. Are you kidding me? We said right off that there weren’t going to be any. It’s only by an ‘oops’ that I’m pregnant now. ---
**Author:** ![Shirley\_Ujest](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/45deac/32.png) [@Shirley\_Ujest](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Shirley_Ujest)\ **Post date:** [October 8, 2004, 5:42pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/no-im-not-a-baby-making-machine/268138/39 "2004-10-08T17:42:55Z")
[This](http://hedgehogclub.com/gallery/photo2.html) is what you really, really want! ---
**Author:** ![Snickers](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/5daacb/32.png) [@Snickers](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Snickers)\ **Post date:** [October 8, 2004, 7:05pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/no-im-not-a-baby-making-machine/268138/40 "2004-10-08T19:05:53Z")
And after the badgers, mushrooms! [Previous page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/no-im-not-a-baby-making-machine/268138.md?page=1) [Next page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/no-im-not-a-baby-making-machine/268138.md?page=3)