# No, really, it's not just about the cat **URL:** \ **Category:** Miscellaneous and Personal Stuff I Must Share\ **Created:** [October 7, 2024, 12:52am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/no-really-its-not-just-about-the-cat/1008522 "2024-10-07T00:52:35Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 20\ **Page:** 1
**Author:** ![EddyTeddyFreddy](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/eddyteddyfreddy/32/18796_2.png) [@EddyTeddyFreddy](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/EddyTeddyFreddy)\ **Post date:** [October 7, 2024, 12:52am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/no-really-its-not-just-about-the-cat/1008522/1 "2024-10-07T00:52:35Z")
Having messed up the formatting of my previous post on this topic, I’ve asked it to be cornfielded and am reposting, hopefully in a readable form. So here goes: The boyfriend who demands his girlfriend get rid of her cat, her dog, for whatever the given reason: This goes deeper than it at first looks (which to be sure is bad enough). I reproduce here an essay by Adam-Troy Castro, an author of sci-fi and horror novels and short stories, with whom I’m friends on Facebook. [He posted it earlier today](https://www.facebook.com/adamtroycastro/posts/pfbid02SjMf1CH7EeGe2d3p1Yo7XZuZLPD8NuWwtN13aKBDwTqrGuc4vs3riqxFrEtrbvmSl? __cft__ %5B0%5D=AZUZT1mBJlg5QhW43QpRGmWuKx_9LxOpuw75NylsTXTKwbz_nJuqYQ7XLktz2MrDCv-BUnobfYlXuydzuDVTjQehEanLyMSTdWcUwALOrZtKCJ-bi34hET6gQtez6cb0kvp9sV4Zn_1KNgv3sZsIDEsFzJO1fSVaAodYSJ_yEU2_dA& __tn__ =%2CO%2CP-y-R) and has expressly granted me permission to share the full text: I just encountered early morning clickbait about a woman about to move in with the guy who has been her boyfriend for a while, who has been saying all along that she needs to get rid of the childhood cat she still has who is now late in life. Discerning that the bastard is not kidding, she breaks up with him, and both her comments and the reader comments on the article have everything to do with how a pet is part of your family, and so on. What I wish to say here is a) that it is not uncommon, and b) that it is not at all about the cat. There is a certain strain of men who are totally nice to the ladies until they move in, at which point they systematically separate the woman from their support system. And yes, they start with pets. That is just a first-round test. Following that, they find other ways to separate the women from their friends, from their families, from people they care about, from jobs they like, from personal interests that mean anything to them. In extreme cases, from any life outside the home. And that is frequently where the physical abuse begins. Because by then the lady has nowhere to go, nobody to ask for help, and critically no perspective outside herself, to dilute the gaslighting. I recall a video clip of men in prison for domestic abuse, in group therapy, discussing this procedure for turning a strong, intelligent woman into a woman who can be safely terrorized as a lifestyle. “Two years,” one of the men said. “Yeah,” they all agreed. “Two years is how long it takes.” And the redemptive therapy to become better people became all-around agreement that, yes, they could do this with any women they can get past the first date. The trick, one said, is to wait. To do it right. I wish I remember where I saw the clip. I seem to recall the therapist being seriously shaken, because all the progress the men had been pretending to have was here revealed as role-play. A guy like that can eventually get to the point where the woman is no longer allowed to see her sister. Or her parents. Or, as in the case of a woman who was my mother’s lifelong friend, beloved relatives who had come to her wedding. (She was isolated at the end of one year and escaped after two.) The beloved cat that guy wanted his girlfriend to eject? That was the first salvo. It is not uncommonly the first salvo. It is a danger sign. And the tragic thing – not for the woman who told him to get lost, because she wouldn’t go along with that much – is that this is the agreed-upon technique. The predator’s tactical mistake here was to go after the cat too soon, to not wait until he was living with the lady and making demands inside the home. So this was not about the cat. This was likely not a story about the love of cats. This was more probably a story about a technique being applied. ---
**Author:** ![Dung\_Beetle](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/dung_beetle/32/7945_2.png) [@Dung\_Beetle](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Dung_Beetle)\ **Post date:** [October 7, 2024, 12:54am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/no-really-its-not-just-about-the-cat/1008522/2 "2024-10-07T00:54:02Z")
He’s right. And also, Adam Troy-Castro! I’m a fan. ---
**Author:** ![EddyTeddyFreddy](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/eddyteddyfreddy/32/18796_2.png) [@EddyTeddyFreddy](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/EddyTeddyFreddy)\ **Post date:** [October 7, 2024, 12:56am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/no-really-its-not-just-about-the-cat/1008522/3 "2024-10-07T00:56:23Z")
Hey, thanks, I’ll let him know. I need to send him a link to this thread. ---
**Author:** ![JaneDoe42](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/janedoe42/32/14104_2.png) [@JaneDoe42](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/JaneDoe42)\ **Post date:** [October 7, 2024, 1:16am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/no-really-its-not-just-about-the-cat/1008522/4 "2024-10-07T01:16:10Z")
The one and only time a man hit me was when he told me that I would have to get rid of my cats before he moved in. I told him that he would have to get rid of his Harley before he moved in. He said it wasn’t the same, I knew that his love of riding was a part of him. I told him that he knew that my love of cats was part of me. He told me to make my choice right now and I said my cats were better in bed than he could ever be. I probably would have walked away without a black eye if I had not said that last part, we were done the minute he said he wanted my cats gone. Thanks for confirming my decision to run away as fast as I could. ---
**Author:** ![EddyTeddyFreddy](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/eddyteddyfreddy/32/18796_2.png) [@EddyTeddyFreddy](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/EddyTeddyFreddy)\ **Post date:** [October 7, 2024, 1:20am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/no-really-its-not-just-about-the-cat/1008522/5 "2024-10-07T01:20:39Z")
Damn, girl, you done good, and I’m sorry about the black eye. A lot of the Facebook comments on ATC’s post told similar stories. Or worse. ---
**Author:** ![JaneDoe42](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/janedoe42/32/14104_2.png) [@JaneDoe42](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/JaneDoe42)\ **Post date:** [October 7, 2024, 1:34am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/no-really-its-not-just-about-the-cat/1008522/6 "2024-10-07T01:34:40Z")
Thanks for the sympathy. I’m not excusing him for hitting me, but I knew that he had a temper and I probably could have gotten away unscathed if I hadn’t goaded him, so some of that is on me. If I had it to do over, I would have said something about needing to think about it and then ran away as fast as I could. ---
**Author:** ![EddyTeddyFreddy](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/eddyteddyfreddy/32/18796_2.png) [@EddyTeddyFreddy](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/EddyTeddyFreddy)\ **Post date:** [October 7, 2024, 1:39am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/no-really-its-not-just-about-the-cat/1008522/7 "2024-10-07T01:39:21Z")
I hear you. At least you got away before things escalated. ---
**Author:** ![Beckdawrek](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/beckdawrek/32/3647_2.png) [@Beckdawrek](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Beckdawrek)\ **Post date:** [October 7, 2024, 1:46am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/no-really-its-not-just-about-the-cat/1008522/8 "2024-10-07T01:46:01Z")
We had a big (ish) murder trial in my county where a very small frail woman killed her live in boyfriend. She had 2 tiny Yorkies and he cut their throats in front of her. Somehow she gathered the strength to appease him in her grief over the dogs dying. When he passed out drunk she stabbed him in the neck and he bled out. She walked the across the street and told his Mother she killed him. Sat on the porch til the police came. They harangued that woman in the paper. Gossip was flying. Her lawyer showed her medical info. Her animals vet info. Proved he had previously killed a cat of hers. She walked. Now I don’t propose anyone doing this to and human. But I rejoiced when I found out she was found not guilty. ---
**Author:** ![Zyada](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/zyada/32/3028_2.png) [@Zyada](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Zyada)\ **Post date:** [October 7, 2024, 2:02am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/no-really-its-not-just-about-the-cat/1008522/9 "2024-10-07T02:02:33Z")
If you’ve heard of negging, this is the purpose - to identify who will be easier to abuse ---
**Author:** ![SuntanLotion](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/suntanlotion/32/16165_2.png) [@SuntanLotion](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/SuntanLotion)\ **Post date:** [October 7, 2024, 2:05am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/no-really-its-not-just-about-the-cat/1008522/10 "2024-10-07T02:05:50Z")
No! Been there, None of that was on you. Zero percent your fault. ---
**Author:** ![romansperson](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/romansperson/32/17100_2.png) [@romansperson](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/romansperson)\ **Post date:** [October 7, 2024, 2:40am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/no-really-its-not-just-about-the-cat/1008522/11 "2024-10-07T02:40:14Z")
+1. Fuck that guy. ---
**Author:** ![CairoCarol](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/cairocarol/32/3825_2.png) [@CairoCarol](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/CairoCarol)\ **Post date:** [October 7, 2024, 2:47am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/no-really-its-not-just-about-the-cat/1008522/12 "2024-10-07T02:47:17Z")
> [@JaneDoe42](#): > > The one and only time a man hit me was when he told me that I would have to get rid of my cats before he moved in. I told him that he would have to get rid of his Harley before he moved in. He said it wasn’t the same, I knew that his love of riding was a part of him. > > I told him that he knew that my love of cats was part of me. He told me to make my choice right now and I said my cats were better in bed than he could ever be. I probably would have walked away without a black eye if I had not said that last part, we were done the minute he said he wanted my cats gone. > > Thanks for confirming my decision to run away as fast as I could. You are my new hero! Back in the 1970s I dated a guy who looked great on paper (wealthy, well educated, handsome) but I knew I could never be serious about him because he told me he would never “let” his wife have cats. This same guy told me, a few months later, with much throat-clearing fanfare, that he … drumroll please … “_might_ marry me.” I just looked at him in amazement. While I said nothing out loud, I am pretty sure my facial expression clearly stated, “I would _never_ marry _you_.” I always knew I dodged a bullet with that guy, but now I’m starting to think that marrying him would have been even worse than I imagined. ---
**Author:** ![EddyTeddyFreddy](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/eddyteddyfreddy/32/18796_2.png) [@EddyTeddyFreddy](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/EddyTeddyFreddy)\ **Post date:** [October 7, 2024, 2:52am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/no-really-its-not-just-about-the-cat/1008522/13 "2024-10-07T02:52:13Z")
> [@JaneDoe42](#): > > The one and only time a man hit me was when he told me that I would have to get rid of my cats before he moved in. I told him that he would have to get rid of his Harley before he moved in. He said it wasn’t the same, I knew that his love of riding was a part of him. Adam-Troy has followed the link I gave him, and messaged me thus about your post: > I am deeply amused by the lady who told the guy who ordered her to get rid of her cat to then get rid of his Harley. That comment was made for me. > > I am not making light of your situation, and I celebrate your escape. It is involuntary that I laugh, because “Harley” is purring on my lap as I type. ---
**Author:** ![Eric1](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/e/3bc359/32.png) [@Eric1](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Eric1)\ **Post date:** [October 7, 2024, 2:54am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/no-really-its-not-just-about-the-cat/1008522/14 "2024-10-07T02:54:41Z")
These abusive fellows are sure different from my family. Their understanding was attaching to the whole person, sort of embracing everything in a loving way. Getting rid of a beloved animal, friend/other relation would be unthinkable. My aunt’s dog, for instance, is a complete pain in the butt but each family member sighs and accepts it. ---
**Author:** ![LSLGuy](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/lslguy/32/5813_2.png) [@LSLGuy](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/LSLGuy)\ **Post date:** [October 7, 2024, 7:07pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/no-really-its-not-just-about-the-cat/1008522/15 "2024-10-07T19:07:12Z")
I would never ask somebody to get rid of their livestock before moving in with me. But I’d never want someone with livestock as a GF either. I will not play second fiddle to an animal. Period. If you, any you, prefer livestock attention to human attention, I realize I’m not going to get you over your POV. ---
**Author:** ![Eyebrows\_0f\_Doom](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/eyebrows_0f_doom/32/3119_2.png) [@Eyebrows\_0f\_Doom](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Eyebrows_0f_Doom)\ **Post date:** [October 7, 2024, 7:23pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/no-really-its-not-just-about-the-cat/1008522/16 "2024-10-07T19:23:45Z")
🙄 ---
**Author:** ![CairoCarol](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/cairocarol/32/3825_2.png) [@CairoCarol](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/CairoCarol)\ **Post date:** [October 7, 2024, 7:37pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/no-really-its-not-just-about-the-cat/1008522/17 "2024-10-07T19:37:16Z")
> [@LSLGuy](#): > > I will not play second fiddle to an animal. Is this a whoosh? You do recognize that it is possible to be in a healthy relationship with another human being and love animals at the same time, right? ---
**Author:** ![rocking\_chair](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/rocking_chair/32/2918_2.png) [@rocking\_chair](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/rocking_chair)\ **Post date:** [October 7, 2024, 7:44pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/no-really-its-not-just-about-the-cat/1008522/18 "2024-10-07T19:44:54Z")
i would have found her not guilty. i’m sorry that she went through the horrour. ---
**Author:** ![Ulfreida](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/ulfreida/32/8014_2.png) [@Ulfreida](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Ulfreida)\ **Post date:** [October 7, 2024, 7:51pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/no-really-its-not-just-about-the-cat/1008522/19 "2024-10-07T19:51:47Z")
What about children? Would you play second fiddle to your children? What about an illness? Would you play second fiddle to her illness? To her sick parents? What about your statement makes me imagine you’re single? ---
**Author:** ![LSLGuy](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/lslguy/32/5813_2.png) [@LSLGuy](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/LSLGuy)\ **Post date:** [October 7, 2024, 7:59pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/no-really-its-not-just-about-the-cat/1008522/20 "2024-10-07T19:59:19Z")
> [@CairoCarol](#): > > > [@LSLGuy](#): > > > > I will not play second fiddle to an animal. > > Is this a whoosh? You do recognize that it is possible to be in a healthy relationship with another human being and love animals at the same time, right? > [@Ulfreida](#): > > What about children? Would you play second fiddle to your children? What about an illness? Would you play second fiddle to her illness? To her sick parents? > > What about your statement makes me imagine you’re single? I cared for my dying wife for many years without complaint. We had 33 good years together. But she died 3 years ago so now I’m single. As a single man of retirement age now trying to date I have seen a lot of single women in my age group whose dating profile amounts to “My dogs / cats come first. if you want to join us as an accessory, help yourself.” I find that very off-putting. YMMV. [Next page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/no-really-its-not-just-about-the-cat/1008522.md?page=2)