# No, really, it's not just about the cat **URL:** \ **Category:** Miscellaneous and Personal Stuff I Must Share\ **Created:** [October 7, 2024, 12:52am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/no-really-its-not-just-about-the-cat/1008522 "2024-10-07T00:52:35Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 20\ **Page:** 3
**Author:** ![Beckdawrek](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/beckdawrek/32/3647_2.png) [@Beckdawrek](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Beckdawrek)\ **Post date:** [October 8, 2024, 2:00am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/no-really-its-not-just-about-the-cat/1008522/41 "2024-10-08T02:00:42Z")
I agree with not killing a human is the best thing. He also had put her in the hospital a few times. His mother testified to his being abusive to her. And that she had covered for him. So, yes, the lady was in an imminent threat. I assume the dogs getting killed just sent her down a fast lane she couldn’t diverge from. He was a piece of shit and his Mother was as guilty for getting him killed as she who stabbed him. IMHO ETA. What bothered me most about this case was how she was portrayed in the newspapers of the time. It was treated as some sort of “Burning bed” incident. She had a broken wrist bone at court for the first arraignments. She was housed in solitary because I imagine they had her on suicide watch. The towns people rumor mill was horrible. There was another man brought to court who she was talking to. Nothing about it being anymore was ever proved. But boy people speculated. Why couldn’t she just say “the bastard knocked me around many times, he killed my animals. His family stood by and let it happen. I had no family here and I had no choice” ---
**Author:** ![Broomstick](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/broomstick/32/246_2.png) [@Broomstick](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Broomstick)\ **Post date:** [October 8, 2024, 3:23am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/no-really-its-not-just-about-the-cat/1008522/42 "2024-10-08T03:23:21Z")
> [@We\_re\_wolves\_not\_werewolves](#): > > I am also sorry she went through that, it does sound horrifying. And the man was obviously a piece of garbage. But she still should have been found guilty. Pets are lovely, but they are not humans, and she killed a human Someone slitting the throat of not one but two beloved pets in front of their own is very, very clearly making a threat of lethal violence. I sincerely hope you never have to find that out personally. Or maybe you think she should have waited until that piece of human garbage had the knife at her throat before acting? Of course, it would be too late by then. > [@We\_re\_wolves\_not\_werewolves](#): > > maybe, but it wasn’t an _imminent_ threat to her life, which is the legal standard. Waiting until the legal standard is met means a lot of dead women every year. Maybe it’s time to change the standard. ---
**Author:** ![puzzlegal](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/puzzlegal/32/3827_2.png) [@puzzlegal](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/puzzlegal)\ **Post date:** [October 8, 2024, 6:44am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/no-really-its-not-just-about-the-cat/1008522/43 "2024-10-08T06:44:04Z")
> [@Broomstick](#): > > > [@We\_re\_wolves\_not\_werewolves](#): > > > > maybe, but it wasn’t an _imminent_ threat to her life, which is the legal standard. > > Waiting until the legal standard is met means a lot of dead women every year. Maybe it’s time to change the standard That’s exactly the point of the article i posted a gift link to. The standard was written for the types of threats men face, and screws over women in advance relationships who are often at significant risk of being killed and have no viable means of escape. ---
**Author:** ![Beckdawrek](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/beckdawrek/32/3647_2.png) [@Beckdawrek](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Beckdawrek)\ **Post date:** [October 8, 2024, 6:45am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/no-really-its-not-just-about-the-cat/1008522/44 "2024-10-08T06:45:47Z")
And, good lord. Don’t let her get pregnant. Her risks go significantly higher. ---
**Author:** ![We\_re\_wolves\_not\_werewolves](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/w/838e76/32.png) [@We\_re\_wolves\_not\_werewolves](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/We_re_wolves_not_werewolves)\ **Post date:** [October 8, 2024, 1:15pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/no-really-its-not-just-about-the-cat/1008522/45 "2024-10-08T13:15:29Z")
> [@Broomstick](#): > > Someone slitting the throat of not one but two beloved pets in front of their own is very, very clearly making a threat of lethal violence. I sincerely hope you never have to find that out personally. Or maybe you think she should have waited until that piece of human garbage had the knife at her throat before acting? Of course, it would be too late by then. I think you’re right, and if she had killed him at that time, I think the defense would be more applicable. But by waiting till he was sleeping to kill him, the imminent threat had clearly passed. He was not a threat **at the time she killed him** , he was sleeping. Please be assured I am not defending his actions, nor am I really condemning her. He was very clearly a despicable person, and she was clearly a traumatized victim of his abuse. I was just commenting on the legal aspects of the case. As Puzzlegal states, the legal system is sometimes very titled against the real victims, especially women. ---
**Author:** ![Broomstick](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/broomstick/32/246_2.png) [@Broomstick](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Broomstick)\ **Post date:** [October 8, 2024, 1:23pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/no-really-its-not-just-about-the-cat/1008522/46 "2024-10-08T13:23:22Z")
> [@We\_re\_wolves\_not\_werewolves](#): > > I think you’re right, and if she had killed him at that time, I think the defense would be more applicable. But by waiting till he was sleeping to kill him, the imminent threat had clearly passed. He was not a threat **at the time she killed him** , he was sleeping. In other words, you are expecting an unarmed woman to take on an armed attacker a foot taller, probably 50-100 pounds heavier than her, and with superior upper body strength. Which is, essentially, asking her to commit suicide. Your viewpoint means her only way out of this situation is to be murdered by her abuser. The vast majority of women in this world can not meet your standard and live. That’s what several people are tying to hammer home - the laws are written with the assumption that the conflict is between equals and it is not. That leaves a lot of abused women either dead or behind bars for the rest of their lives. If you read the link at the end of the article it mentions women saying that _going to prison was a relief because it meant the violence against them ended._ If going to prison is _better_ than remaining free there is something seriously, seriously wrong with society. ---
**Author:** ![Eyebrows\_0f\_Doom](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/eyebrows_0f_doom/32/3119_2.png) [@Eyebrows\_0f\_Doom](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Eyebrows_0f_Doom)\ **Post date:** [October 8, 2024, 1:24pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/no-really-its-not-just-about-the-cat/1008522/47 "2024-10-08T13:24:19Z")
> [@We\_re\_wolves\_not\_werewolves](#): > > But by waiting till he was sleeping to kill him, the imminent threat had clearly passed. He was not a threat **at the time she killed him** , he was sleeping. Which is **why** she was able to kill him. Had she tried to fight back when he was awake and enraged and holding a knife, he likely would have killed her first. ---
**Author:** ![We\_re\_wolves\_not\_werewolves](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/w/838e76/32.png) [@We\_re\_wolves\_not\_werewolves](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/We_re_wolves_not_werewolves)\ **Post date:** [October 8, 2024, 1:30pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/no-really-its-not-just-about-the-cat/1008522/48 "2024-10-08T13:30:46Z")
> [@Broomstick](#): > > Your viewpoint means her only way out of this situation is to be murdered by her abuser. The vast majority of women in this world can not meet your standard and live. > > That’s what several people are tying to hammer home - the laws are written with the assumption that the conflict is between equals and it is not. That leaves a lot of abused women either dead or behind bars for the rest of their lives. I don’t know how to make it more clear, I agree with you! It’s not MY standard you are railing against, it’s the legal standard. Don’t shoot the messenger. > [@Eyebrows\_0f\_Doom](#): > > Which is **why** she was able to kill him. Had she tried to fight back when he was awake and enraged and holding a knife, he likely would have killed her first. You’re almost assuredly correct ---
**Author:** ![Jasmine](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/jasmine/32/2964_2.png) [@Jasmine](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Jasmine)\ **Post date:** [October 8, 2024, 2:11pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/no-really-its-not-just-about-the-cat/1008522/49 "2024-10-08T14:11:21Z")
> [@EddyTeddyFreddy](#): > > What I wish to say here is a) that it is not uncommon, and b) that it is not at all about the cat. Amen, amen, amen! It’s about control, not any one specific thing. Conversely, and person who is eager to “change” to please a love interest is also a giant red flag because, once the romantic stage of the relationship wanes, he inevitably becomes resentful. ---
**Author:** ![FloatyGimpy](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/floatygimpy/32/7750_2.png) [@FloatyGimpy](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/FloatyGimpy)\ **Post date:** [October 8, 2024, 4:09pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/no-really-its-not-just-about-the-cat/1008522/50 "2024-10-08T16:09:25Z")
Do you mean livestock as like, cows and pigs or are you referring to a cat as “livestock”? Because I can totally understand saying “I’m sorry but your pigs and chickens can’t move into my home” but calling a cat “livestock” is so weird. ---
**Author:** ![gnoitall](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/g/bb73d2/32.png) [@gnoitall](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/gnoitall)\ **Post date:** [October 8, 2024, 4:19pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/no-really-its-not-just-about-the-cat/1008522/51 "2024-10-08T16:19:40Z")
That was already moderated, so you probably don’t want to extend that discussion. ---
**Author:** ![FloatyGimpy](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/floatygimpy/32/7750_2.png) [@FloatyGimpy](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/FloatyGimpy)\ **Post date:** [October 8, 2024, 4:21pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/no-really-its-not-just-about-the-cat/1008522/52 "2024-10-08T16:21:14Z")
But it’s so weird! Ok I’ll drop it… ---
**Author:** ![ZipperJJ](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/zipperjj/32/211_2.png) [@ZipperJJ](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/ZipperJJ)\ **Post date:** [October 8, 2024, 4:23pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/no-really-its-not-just-about-the-cat/1008522/53 "2024-10-08T16:23:38Z")
> [@Aspenglow](#): > > It’s kind of you to characterize me as strong and crafty, but I’m not sure how crafty it was to take 2 1/2 years to get out of a situation that was so clearly not in my best interests. I did feel very stuck. My friends and I have had a discussion about this before. We’re all very very strong, capable women. Business owners, advanced degrees, all of our own money, all that jazz. We’ve found that when we have problems with our partners it’s very hard to admit to anything because it shows weakness in our “brassy broad” exterior. It’s hard to say out loud that we chose the wrong person or we “let” a person treat us in such a way or that we didn’t notice what was going on or any of the stuff. If people think you’re dumb or naive or weak already, they might feel sympathy for you for having been “duped.” (And it is still hard to get out) If you come off as someone who should have known better, it’s so hard to reach out for help because you’re admitting defeat, and it’s hard to get out. I’d imagine that being a man in an abusive situation is like being a strong woman in an abusive situation. A man might have the physical upper hand but it’s very very hard to take that first step to admit that you are not in control here. I’m glad you got out, @Aspenglow and know that it “taking so long” is not a reflection of your character. It’s merely a reflection on the skill of your abuser. I’m glad you brought this topic up @EddyTeddyFreddy as it’s an important one. Millions of women, and men, have lived through abuse like this and much of why the abusers succeed is the victims not realizing what is happening until things get critical. It’s never a bad time to discuss it, or share stories. ---
**Author:** ![xtenkfarpl](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/x/c2a13f/32.png) [@xtenkfarpl](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/xtenkfarpl)\ **Post date:** [October 8, 2024, 4:25pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/no-really-its-not-just-about-the-cat/1008522/54 "2024-10-08T16:25:52Z")
> [@Jasmine](#): > > Conversely, and person who is eager to “change” to please a love interest is also a giant red flag because, once the romantic stage of the relationship wanes, he inevitably becomes resentful. Very true. If you’re not really compatible in your views and interests, it WILL come out in the long term. The whole ‘opposites attract’ meme is a fiction which may work for a short while until the romantic glow fades. Fortunately my wife and I are very fond of our cats. ---
**Author:** ![Whack-a-Mole](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/whack-a-mole/32/141_2.png) [@Whack-a-Mole](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Whack-a-Mole)\ **Post date:** [October 8, 2024, 4:43pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/no-really-its-not-just-about-the-cat/1008522/55 "2024-10-08T16:43:30Z")
> [@ZipperJJ](#): > > It’s hard to say out loud that we chose the wrong person or we “let” a person treat us in such a way or that we didn’t notice what was going on or any of the stuff. I think it is worth noting that such things rarely are obvious to begin with. It is the frog in the pot of water slowly being brought to a boil. Hindsight is easy. It can be very difficult to draw a bright line and say no more regardless of intelligence or personality. Often there is so much time and effort already invested in the relationship we are not quick to put a stop to a problem that is growing. It’s not always easy know when a relationship cannot be salvaged and it is time to leave. I do find it weird that a relationship could go on for a couple years only to find at the very end that the SO wants the cats (or whatever pets) gone. How did it never come up before? That really does smack of trying to control someone and if the SO springs that out of nowhere then it is a massive red flag. ---
**Author:** ![hajario](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/hajario/32/171_2.png) [@hajario](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/hajario)\ **Post date:** [October 8, 2024, 4:45pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/no-really-its-not-just-about-the-cat/1008522/56 "2024-10-08T16:45:26Z")
> [@Whack-a-Mole](#): > > I do find it weird that a relationship could go on for a couple years only to find at the very end that the SO wants the cats (or whatever pets) gone. How did it never come up before? That really does smack of trying to control someone and if the SO springs that out of nowhere then it is a massive red flag. Re-read the OP ---
**Author:** ![Zyada](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/zyada/32/3028_2.png) [@Zyada](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Zyada)\ **Post date:** [October 8, 2024, 7:25pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/no-really-its-not-just-about-the-cat/1008522/57 "2024-10-08T19:25:38Z")
> [@ZipperJJ](#): > > It’s hard to say out loud that we chose the wrong person or we “let” a person treat us in such a way or that we didn’t notice what was going on or any of the stuff. This is something I struggled with after I left my first husband. When Mom would disparage him, even though she was absolutely right about him, it felt like she was also dissing me for being/staying in the relationship. I think that can be an issue with trying to help people in an abusive relationship. It’s difficult to tell someone they need to get out of a relationship without it being interpreted as the victim as being stupid for not having done so already ---
**Author:** ![Whack-a-Mole](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/whack-a-mole/32/141_2.png) [@Whack-a-Mole](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Whack-a-Mole)\ **Post date:** [October 8, 2024, 11:14pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/no-really-its-not-just-about-the-cat/1008522/58 "2024-10-08T23:14:34Z")
> [@hajario](#): > > Re-read the OP No need. I was agreeing. ---
**Author:** ![hajario](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/hajario/32/171_2.png) [@hajario](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/hajario)\ **Post date:** [October 8, 2024, 11:21pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/no-really-its-not-just-about-the-cat/1008522/59 "2024-10-08T23:21:06Z")
The cat issue is the _first_ red flag near the beginning of the relationship, right before and as a condition of cohabitation. It’s not at the end. ---
**Author:** ![Whack-a-Mole](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/whack-a-mole/32/141_2.png) [@Whack-a-Mole](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Whack-a-Mole)\ **Post date:** [October 8, 2024, 11:25pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/no-really-its-not-just-about-the-cat/1008522/60 "2024-10-08T23:25:12Z")
> [@hajario](#): > > The cat issue is the _first_ red flag near the beginning of the relationship What? Where is that in the OP? ISTM the demand comes well into the relationship which makes it harder for the person to choose. If anyone came at me at the beginning of a relationship with a demand to toss the pets that is a very easy choice to make…toss the SO and keep the pets. [Previous page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/no-really-its-not-just-about-the-cat/1008522.md?page=2) [Next page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/no-really-its-not-just-about-the-cat/1008522.md?page=4)