# No, really, it's not just about the cat **URL:** \ **Category:** Miscellaneous and Personal Stuff I Must Share\ **Created:** [October 7, 2024, 12:52am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/no-really-its-not-just-about-the-cat/1008522 "2024-10-07T00:52:35Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 20\ **Page:** 4
**Author:** ![Beckdawrek](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/beckdawrek/32/3647_2.png) [@Beckdawrek](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Beckdawrek)\ **Post date:** [October 8, 2024, 11:27pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/no-really-its-not-just-about-the-cat/1008522/61 "2024-10-08T23:27:36Z")
And, I assume this is why people put it in their profile on those sites. ---
**Author:** ![gnoitall](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/g/bb73d2/32.png) [@gnoitall](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/gnoitall)\ **Post date:** [October 8, 2024, 11:28pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/no-really-its-not-just-about-the-cat/1008522/62 "2024-10-08T23:28:34Z")
> [@Whack-a-Mole](#): > > If anyone came at me at the beginning of a relationship with a demand to toss the pets that is a very easy choice to make…toss the SO and keep the pets. Well, I guess that means you’re not the subject of the original anecdote, for whom eliminating the pet was the _first_ test of “committment” to the relationship: the first tug of tightening the noose. I guess everyone should be as strong as you. ---
**Author:** ![hajario](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/hajario/32/171_2.png) [@hajario](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/hajario)\ **Post date:** [October 8, 2024, 11:29pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/no-really-its-not-just-about-the-cat/1008522/63 "2024-10-08T23:29:06Z")
From the article: > [@EddyTeddyFreddy](#): > > **And yes, they start with pets. That is just a first-round test.** Following that, they find other ways to separate the women from their friends, from their families, from people they care about, from jobs they like, from personal interests that mean anything to them. In extreme cases, from any life outside the home. ---
**Author:** ![Whack-a-Mole](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/whack-a-mole/32/141_2.png) [@Whack-a-Mole](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Whack-a-Mole)\ **Post date:** [October 8, 2024, 11:37pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/no-really-its-not-just-about-the-cat/1008522/64 "2024-10-08T23:37:10Z")
“First” test? ISTM the demand came when one was about to move in which, presumably, comes later in the relationship. It was not an initial demand. > [@gnoitall](#): > > I guess everyone should be as strong as you. If the “first” test of a would be partner is to toss my pets then that seems dead easy. If that makes me stronger than you it makes me wonder about you. ---
**Author:** ![Whack-a-Mole](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/whack-a-mole/32/141_2.png) [@Whack-a-Mole](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Whack-a-Mole)\ **Post date:** [October 8, 2024, 11:39pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/no-really-its-not-just-about-the-cat/1008522/65 "2024-10-08T23:39:43Z")
They are about to move in together. Is that really the “first” test? How did they get so far in the relationship to be about to cohabit and not know the cats are a problem? So I agree, if the cat thing comes out of nowhere at that point then yeah…HUGE red flag! Run away…fast. ---
**Author:** ![thorny\_locust](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/thorny_locust/32/431_2.png) [@thorny\_locust](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/thorny_locust)\ **Post date:** [October 8, 2024, 11:40pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/no-really-its-not-just-about-the-cat/1008522/66 "2024-10-08T23:40:34Z")
> [@Whack-a-Mole](#): > > > [@hajario](#): > > > > The cat issue is the _first_ red flag near the beginning of the relationship > > What? > > Where is that in the OP? > [@Whack-a-Mole](#): > > ISTM the demand came when one was about to move in which, presumably, comes later in the relationship. It was not an initial demand. The OP doesn’t say it’s necessarily the first; but it does say that the boyfriend’s been demanding “all along” that she needs to get rid of the cat. The woman in that case apparently didn’t take him seriously at first. > [@EddyTeddyFreddy](#): > > a woman about to move in with the guy who has been her boyfriend for a while, who has been saying all along that she needs to get rid of the childhood cat she still has who is now late in life. > > Discerning that the bastard is not kidding, she breaks up with him I would take “all along” in that case to mean “from the beginning of the relationship.” ---
**Author:** ![Whack-a-Mole](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/whack-a-mole/32/141_2.png) [@Whack-a-Mole](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Whack-a-Mole)\ **Post date:** [October 8, 2024, 11:43pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/no-really-its-not-just-about-the-cat/1008522/67 "2024-10-08T23:43:54Z")
Fair enough. How the relationship continued if the SO is demanding from the outset that they get rid of their beloved pets is beyond me. That should be an instant nope. It’s then weird that they get to the point of wanting to move in together and all of a sudden it is an issue. It was an issue from day #1. ---
**Author:** ![hajario](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/hajario/32/171_2.png) [@hajario](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/hajario)\ **Post date:** [October 8, 2024, 11:49pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/no-really-its-not-just-about-the-cat/1008522/68 "2024-10-08T23:49:03Z")
Because abusers select from people with low self esteem or are otherwise vulnerable. ---
**Author:** ![Whack-a-Mole](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/whack-a-mole/32/141_2.png) [@Whack-a-Mole](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Whack-a-Mole)\ **Post date:** [October 8, 2024, 11:51pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/no-really-its-not-just-about-the-cat/1008522/69 "2024-10-08T23:51:43Z")
> [@thorny\_locust](#): > > I would take “all along” in that case to mean “from the beginning of the relationship.” Later they wrote: > [@EddyTeddyFreddy](#): > > There is a certain strain of men who are totally nice to the ladies until they move in, at which point they systematically separate the woman from their support system. > > And yes, they start with pets. Sounds like later in the relationship to me. ---
**Author:** ![Aspenglow](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/aspenglow/32/76_2.png) [@Aspenglow](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Aspenglow)\ **Post date:** [October 8, 2024, 11:55pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/no-really-its-not-just-about-the-cat/1008522/70 "2024-10-08T23:55:47Z")
Moderating: > [@Whack-a-Mole](#): > > Fair enough. How the relationship continued if the SO is demanding from the outset that they get rid of their beloved pets is beyond me. > [@Whack-a-Mole](#): > > Sounds like later in the relationship to me. And it’s time to drop this comparatively minor point about the story. The issue is the control. ---
**Author:** ![JaneDoe42](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/janedoe42/32/14104_2.png) [@JaneDoe42](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/JaneDoe42)\ **Post date:** [October 9, 2024, 12:23am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/no-really-its-not-just-about-the-cat/1008522/71 "2024-10-09T00:23:27Z")
> [@Whack-a-Mole](#): > > > [@EddyTeddyFreddy](#): > > > > There is a certain strain of men who are totally nice to the ladies until they move in, at which point they systematically separate the woman from their support system. > > > > And yes, they start with pets. > > Sounds like later in the relationship to me. This is how it almost started for me. He knew I had cats, he knew they were important enough to me that I had framed pictures of them in my office. (No cell phones back then, geeze, I’m fucking old) He didn’t say anything about hating cats and he wasn’t mean to my cats when he spent the night, although he did ask they be shut out of the bedroom. He didn’t ask about them or try to pet them when they got close to him, but he was careful to watch his step and not let them out the door. No red flags for almost 8 months and then he made his demand. If he had started a little slower, like maybe asking that they were never allowed in the bedroom…I might not be in such a good spot today. I do know that if we had been behind closed doors when I told him that my cats were better in bed than him…a black eye would have been the least of my injuries. @Aspenglow I’m not trying to continue the hijack, I’m trying to explain how the control thing started and almost worked on me. Please just delete this post if you think I’m doing it wrong, I will understand and won’t need a warning or anything. ---
**Author:** ![Aspenglow](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/aspenglow/32/76_2.png) [@Aspenglow](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Aspenglow)\ **Post date:** [October 9, 2024, 12:34am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/no-really-its-not-just-about-the-cat/1008522/72 "2024-10-09T00:34:57Z")
> [@JaneDoe42](#): > > @Aspenglow I’m not trying to continue the hijack, I’m trying to explain how the control thing started and almost worked on me. Please just delete this post if you think I’m doing it wrong, I will understand and won’t need a warning or anything. I don’t consider this a hijack, at all. You’re describing an actual controlling experience that happened to you. They’re all a little different. Sometimes how the controlling person approaches your pet ownership is the mechanism. At other times, it’s something else. In my own situation, pets weren’t involved at all. But total control over my life was the goal, and it was accomplished all the same. The point is, it’s not the timing of the controlling so much as the fact of one person’s love of pets being used as a pressure point to exert control by the other person. ---
**Author:** ![JaneDoe42](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/janedoe42/32/14104_2.png) [@JaneDoe42](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/JaneDoe42)\ **Post date:** [October 9, 2024, 12:46am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/no-really-its-not-just-about-the-cat/1008522/73 "2024-10-09T00:46:14Z")
You are so much better with words than me, thank you and yes. That is the point I was trying to make. He thought it was time to make his move and do something to prove his control over me. He just thought that librarians were meek and mild, LOL! ---
**Author:** ![Beckdawrek](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/beckdawrek/32/3647_2.png) [@Beckdawrek](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Beckdawrek)\ **Post date:** [October 9, 2024, 12:49am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/no-really-its-not-just-about-the-cat/1008522/74 "2024-10-09T00:49:55Z")
Isn’t this a narcissistic personality disorder that causes this? It’s not always men who do this. (So you know it’s not beating up on men, here). But the OP brought up a particular woman and her childhood/elderly cat. As a gullible person I could see myself easily drawn into a situation, if the person used their wiley ways to convince me. Only to start putting the demands, small at first, to me. Yeah it is probably a pretty easy thing to do to someone without self esteem or support. Or a person with any special needs. ---
**Author:** ![Aspenglow](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/aspenglow/32/76_2.png) [@Aspenglow](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Aspenglow)\ **Post date:** [October 9, 2024, 1:11am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/no-really-its-not-just-about-the-cat/1008522/75 "2024-10-09T01:11:06Z")
> [@JaneDoe42](#): > > He just thought that librarians were meek and mild, LOL! He really didn’t know you at all, did he? 😉 I’m very sorry about the black eye, though. And I don’t care what you said, that kind of violence is never an acceptable response. Ever. Ever. > [@Beckdawrek](#): > > Yeah it is probably a pretty easy thing to do to someone without self esteem or support. In my case, it was a lack of support and a huge disparity in our stations in life. He had means, I didn’t, and I ignored some very obvious red flags. As for self esteem, mine wasn’t great at that time in my life. Foster care isn’t a preferred place to find help with that. I was fortunate to find some pretty superb support networks as I grew older, and I suspect few people would characterize me as lacking in self esteem these days. I think any person can be dominated by another and made to submit to their control, given particular circumstances. The trick is to be aware when someone is attempting to use these tactics, and step away as fast as you can. People who do this to others are the very definition of toxic. ---
**Author:** ![JaneDoe42](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/janedoe42/32/14104_2.png) [@JaneDoe42](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/JaneDoe42)\ **Post date:** [October 9, 2024, 1:31am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/no-really-its-not-just-about-the-cat/1008522/76 "2024-10-09T01:31:27Z")
> [@Aspenglow](#): > > I’m very sorry about the black eye, though. And I don’t care what you said, that kind of violence is never an acceptable response. Ever. Ever. Oh, I was not excusing him at all. That should have never happened, but I knew it was a bad idea before I opened my mouth. However, he did make a big difference in my life. He was the reason I took up kick boxing and self defense classes. Before getting hit, I knew that men were bigger than me and I wouldn’t have a chance if one started swinging on me. After that, I _KNEW_ that I couldn’t take a hit and needed to have another plan. My plan was to blow up like a cherry bomb and then run away as fast as I could and it has served me well for many years. Back when I Whacked that guy with my cane, I was hobbling away as fast as I could before the clerks broke out of their shock and got involved. I know you read that story in the MMP, you are a mod and you read everything. If you think I should share it here, I will because it kinda echoes what folks are sharing here. ---
**Author:** ![hajario](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/hajario/32/171_2.png) [@hajario](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/hajario)\ **Post date:** [October 9, 2024, 1:47am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/no-really-its-not-just-about-the-cat/1008522/77 "2024-10-09T01:47:10Z")
I’d like to see a link to it ---
**Author:** ![JaneDoe42](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/janedoe42/32/14104_2.png) [@JaneDoe42](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/JaneDoe42)\ **Post date:** [October 9, 2024, 1:57am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/no-really-its-not-just-about-the-cat/1008522/78 "2024-10-09T01:57:02Z")
Oh gosh, finding that MMP week is beyond me ATM. It was during the plague times but I use medicinal weed for my hip and it is very late for me. tl/dr version, gimpy fat old me leaning on my carbon-fiber cane at a c-store when a man came running in and backhanded the young woman standing in front of me. I didn’t even think before winding up like I was swinging a baseball bat and hitting him on the side of the head. He went down and I tried to hobble away as fast as I could. Constant training makes such a big difference, I was able to react without thinking. eta: if someone could tell me how to search my replies by date, I might be able to come up with the first mention. ---
**Author:** ![Aspenglow](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/aspenglow/32/76_2.png) [@Aspenglow](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Aspenglow)\ **Post date:** [October 9, 2024, 2:51am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/no-really-its-not-just-about-the-cat/1008522/79 "2024-10-09T02:51:11Z")
> [@JaneDoe42](#): > > If you think I should share it here, I will because it kinda echoes what folks are sharing here. Sorry, didn’t mean to leave you hanging! An old friend is coming for a visit tomorrow and I got sidetracked with preparations. Looks like you all solved your dilemma about posting your experience just fine without any help from me (brava!). Belatedly I will add that I think anything that helps people even the odds between themselves and bullies, whether physical or emotional, is an important part of guarding oneself against being used and abused. And while I think the primary focus of this thread is more about guarding against insidious physical and emotional isolation from support networks, it’s important to recognize that feeling physically prepared to deal with physical attacks will help us to feel better able to deal with any isolating efforts, too. ---
**Author:** ![TokyoBayer](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/tokyobayer/32/13989_2.png) [@TokyoBayer](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/TokyoBayer)\ **Post date:** [October 9, 2024, 4:47am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/no-really-its-not-just-about-the-cat/1008522/80 "2024-10-09T04:47:22Z")
My father was really abusive and my mother was a battered woman. My aunt said that he was really charming at the beginning of the relationship, and when my mom expressed some doubts, she didn’t see why my mother would feel that way. My mother had terribly low self-esteem, and was unable to stand up for herself. He systematically broke her to the point that, despite worrying that he could kill her or one of us children, she remained in the relationship. I’m glad that this is being talked about more these days. [Previous page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/no-really-its-not-just-about-the-cat/1008522.md?page=3) [Next page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/no-really-its-not-just-about-the-cat/1008522.md?page=5)