# No, see, I bought the gift, YOU write the thank-you note! **URL:** \ **Category:** The BBQ Pit\ **Created:** [May 12, 2002, 1:43am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/no-see-i-bought-the-gift-you-write-the-thank-you-note/108572 "2002-05-12T01:43:41Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 20\ **Page:** 7
**Author:** ![matt\_mcl](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/7ab992/32.png) [@matt\_mcl](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/matt_mcl)\ **Post date:** [May 19, 2002, 12:03am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/no-see-i-bought-the-gift-you-write-the-thank-you-note/108572/121 "2002-05-19T00:03:51Z")
OK, as you please. As for me, I was just looking for an excuse to refer to Miss Manners as an _opus citatus._ ---
**Author:** ![OpalCat](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/o/8edcca/32.png) [@OpalCat](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/OpalCat)\ **Post date:** [May 19, 2002, 1:04am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/no-see-i-bought-the-gift-you-write-the-thank-you-note/108572/122 "2002-05-19T01:04:57Z")
Does anyone else feel that my grandfather was extreme for cutting me off (for the last … dunno… 8 or 9 years) for not sending a thank you note for a christmas card with a $20 check in it? I thanked him on the phone. He didn’t even get in touch with me when I had my son! A few years back I actually went and visited him, to try to mend the split, but he hasn’t gotten in touch with me since. So I say fuck him. ---
**Author:** ![Bad\_News\_Baboon](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/b/5fc32e/32.png) [@Bad\_News\_Baboon](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Bad_News_Baboon)\ **Post date:** [May 19, 2002, 2:16am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/no-see-i-bought-the-gift-you-write-the-thank-you-note/108572/123 "2002-05-19T02:16:26Z")
It does sound extreme to severe Familt ties over one thank you note. Since I don’t know the story behind the split, was it a one time thing? Or was it a series of no “thank yous” that finally got him to that point? Not to justify his actions, but it seems unlikely to be that bent out of shape over one note. have you ever asked him specifically? I adore my nephew. I think the world of him and my Niece. For the past 9 years, I have always gotten him a SPLENDID birthday gift. and for the past nine years nary a thank you. I don’t blame him - the problem definately lies with my brother and sister-in-law. It’s not so much that I expect a grand Thank you, but a small not would be nice. My niece is still young - I still have hopes for her. My nephew is old enough to know better now. I can see why people get disgusted by the lack of Thank yous (and to me, a call is not enough. sorry.) The way he’s going, he’s gonna get a pack of socks next birthday. As someone said earlier. Thank you also serve another function: They let you know the gift got there. Countless times I have had to call to see if the gift has arrived. I read an article where a flower-by-mail place was ripping people off by not delivering what people ordered. No one was the wiser for a long time. A thank you note saying “Thank you for the beautiful white roses” would be a big tip off if I ordered orchids. As I said earlier, I am just tired of the fact that most people can’t be _bothered_ to write a thank you note and look for countless ways to justify not writing one. 20 bucks is two hours work (or more) for a lot of people. Have some respect for that. ---
**Author:** ![Podkayne](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/p/edb3f5/32.png) [@Podkayne](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Podkayne)\ **Post date:** [May 19, 2002, 2:23am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/no-see-i-bought-the-gift-you-write-the-thank-you-note/108572/124 "2002-05-19T02:23:58Z")
> [@](#): > > \*Originally posted by matt\_mcl \* > \*\*OK, as you please. As for me, I was just looking for an excuse to refer to Miss Manners as an _opus citatus._ \*\* A worthy excuse as any I have seen. 🙂 **Opal** , there is _no_ excuse for responding to rudeness (percieved or overt) with rudeness. If the missing thank-you note is indeed the cause of your grandfather’s behaviour, he’s out of line. (Like you need anyone to tell you that.) You sure that’s the reason he’s frozen you out? ---
**Author:** ![OpalCat](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/o/8edcca/32.png) [@OpalCat](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/OpalCat)\ **Post date:** [May 19, 2002, 5:20am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/no-see-i-bought-the-gift-you-write-the-thank-you-note/108572/125 "2002-05-19T05:20:34Z")
Yup. That is what he told my dad, anyway. And even if I had never thanked him for anything in my life, the appropriate reaction would be to stop sending gifts, not to shut me out of his life. ---
**Author:** ![Scarlett67](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/scarlett67/32/7387_2.png) [@Scarlett67](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Scarlett67)\ **Post date:** [June 5, 2002, 10:48pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/no-see-i-bought-the-gift-you-write-the-thank-you-note/108572/126 "2002-06-05T22:48:21Z")
An update: My mother (who dutifully addressed her own thank-you card at the shower, because she has no backbone) received her thank-you note a few weeks ago. I have received zip-a-dee-doo-dah. The wedding was last Saturday (I did not attend – prior commitment). I’m not holding my breath. Guess who will decline any future baby shower invitations? ---
**Author:** ![Annie](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/a/858c86/32.png) [@Annie](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Annie)\ **Post date:** [June 6, 2002, 2:57am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/no-see-i-bought-the-gift-you-write-the-thank-you-note/108572/127 "2002-06-06T02:57:00Z")
> [@](#): > > \*Originally posted by Scarlett67 \* > \*\* > Guess who will decline any future baby shower invitations? \*\* Is this a general boycott or specific to the goof of honor in question? ---
**Author:** ![Wikkit](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/w/c0e974/32.png) [@Wikkit](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Wikkit)\ **Post date:** [June 6, 2002, 4:42am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/no-see-i-bought-the-gift-you-write-the-thank-you-note/108572/128 "2002-06-06T04:42:28Z")
Fucking server shit logged me out _grumble gruble_ retype bullshit… Ok… Since this thread got bumped, I can ask this here rather than start a new thread somewhere. Short story, since I don’t want to retype long story: I graduated H.S. about 2.5 years ago, and lost contact with my small group of friends. One is now getting married later this month. Do I contact them now in hopes of getting invited to the wedding, do I just show up to the reception, or do I luse and do nothing? ---
**Author:** ![Scarlett67](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/scarlett67/32/7387_2.png) [@Scarlett67](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Scarlett67)\ **Post date:** [June 6, 2002, 5:33am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/no-see-i-bought-the-gift-you-write-the-thank-you-note/108572/129 "2002-06-06T05:33:57Z")
Specific to this particular goof (although I have to admit that I’m not into showers in general). ---
**Author:** ![Cheesesteak](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/cheesesteak/32/3694_2.png) [@Cheesesteak](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Cheesesteak)\ **Post date:** [June 6, 2002, 3:03pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/no-see-i-bought-the-gift-you-write-the-thank-you-note/108572/130 "2002-06-06T15:03:29Z")
**Wikkit** I would never show up at a _reception_ that I was not invited to, and trying to get yourself invited is totally tacky. The _ceremony_ on the other hand is often open to the public if it is at a church, you may be able to attend that. I’ve known people who have attended the ceremony when they were not invited to the reception, nobody batted an eye, and all was well with the world. YMMV, void where prohibited. ---
**Author:** ![OpalCat](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/o/8edcca/32.png) [@OpalCat](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/OpalCat)\ **Post date:** [June 6, 2002, 5:09pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/no-see-i-bought-the-gift-you-write-the-thank-you-note/108572/131 "2002-06-06T17:09:43Z")
Receptions are often billed by attendance. If you aren’t invited, don’t go. ---
**Author:** ![Bad\_News\_Baboon](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/b/5fc32e/32.png) [@Bad\_News\_Baboon](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Bad_News_Baboon)\ **Post date:** [June 6, 2002, 5:30pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/no-see-i-bought-the-gift-you-write-the-thank-you-note/108572/132 "2002-06-06T17:30:42Z")
don’t go to either unless invited. How awful for the bride to see someone at the ceremony she really doesn’t like. Not saying it is the case in your situation. Yes, it is ‘open to the public’ but still. Your best bet is to re-establish contact in a friendly way. an email or phone call saying “how _are_ you?” but make no mention of wedding. This way if she wants you to come, she will invite you. ---
**Author:** ![auntie\_em](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/a/5e9695/32.png) [@auntie\_em](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/auntie_em)\ **Post date:** [June 6, 2002, 6:23pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/no-see-i-bought-the-gift-you-write-the-thank-you-note/108572/133 "2002-06-06T18:23:03Z")
To my knowledge, **Cheesesteak** is right about church weddings being open to the public, and I don’t think it would be a horrible faux pas for **Wikkit** to attend in this case. However, **Bad News** has a point as well, and I’d like to add that you may end up putting the bride in the position of feeling _obligated_ to invite you along to the reception (for example, if she sees you chatting it up with the old gang in the church vestibule after the ceremony, and they’ve all been invited to the reception). I was invited to a wedding last fall. I don’t really know the gal well, but she’s a very good friend of my sister’s (and I suppose I was invited for this reason). Since I already had a friend coming into town to visit me over the same weekend (a friend who hadn’t been invited to the wedding, and didn’t even know the bride), I politely declined the wedding invitation (without giving the reason). My sister was for some reason upset that I wasn’t going to the wedding (my family’s weird) and was convinced that the bride would be devastated by my absence, so I caved and schlepped my out-of-town guest along to the ceremony, under the “Church Wedding/Public” rule. My plan was to leave after the ceremony, but our passage out the door was blocked by the receiving line, so we went through it. As I greeted and complimented the bride and introduced her to my friend, she (of course) insisted that we come to the reception as well. I found out later that my sister had _taken it upon herself to explain about my visiting friend and ask the bride if I could bring her along to the reception._ I could have smacked her (my sister, that is–not the bride). At any rate, my friend (who knew nobody at the wedding) felt incredibly uncomfortable, and I felt horribly tacky. And speaking of weddings… I have another friend who eloped (not even parents were there), and sent out announcements after the honeymoon. I knew that the announcement was strictly to share the happy news, and that she would never expect a gift, but since I love her, I ordered a few cutesy little gifts via the internet and had them sent to her house. A couple of weeks later, I received a thank-you note in the mail from her… …written on a Thank You card that had been provided by the company from which I ordered the gifts, and _mailed to her WITH the gifts._ Am I the only one who feels weird about that? Yes, I realize that the inclusion of a blank thank-you note with the gift was a “courtesy” provided by the _company_, and was not a reflection on _me_ (in other words, my friend knows that I was not thinking, “You’d BETTER thank me for this, BEEE-YATCH!”), but I still felt like it was akin to appearing ghost-like before her with my cheek extended for the Kiss of Gratitude. I am a believer in sending thank-you notes (which reminds me that I owe a couple of them myself) when the situation warrants, and I suppose that providing one with the gift made the process easier for her, but I honestly wouldn’t have given it a second thought if I hadn’t gotten one, and I don’t like the implications… Maybe it’s just me. ---
**Author:** ![drachillix](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/d/48db29/32.png) [@drachillix](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/drachillix)\ **Post date:** [June 6, 2002, 10:08pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/no-see-i-bought-the-gift-you-write-the-thank-you-note/108572/134 "2002-06-06T22:08:57Z")
> [@](#): > > \*Originally posted by Jodi \* > \*\* > > The real tragedy is that I once got a thank-you note just like this. _Literally_ just like this – as in, typed, with blanks where words could be written in: Dear [blank]. Thank you for the [blank]. We plan to put it to use in our [blank]." I mean, it read like flipping MadLibs. \*\* Hmm, MS Access, a simple list form (name, item, etc) Instant high speed thank you notes… I could become famous! ---
**Author:** ![Rilchiam](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/r/2bfe46/32.png) [@Rilchiam](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Rilchiam)\ **Post date:** [June 6, 2002, 11:44pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/no-see-i-bought-the-gift-you-write-the-thank-you-note/108572/135 "2002-06-06T23:44:10Z")
> [@](#): > > \*Originally posted by auntie em \* > \*\*I was invited to a wedding last fall. I don’t really know the gal well, but she’s a very good friend of my sister’s (and I suppose I was invited for this reason). Since I already had a friend coming into town to visit me over the same weekend (a friend who hadn’t been invited to the wedding, and didn’t even know the bride), I politely declined the wedding invitation (without giving the reason). > > My sister was for some reason upset that I wasn’t going to the wedding (my family’s weird) and was convinced that the bride would be devastated by my absence, so I caved and schlepped my out-of-town guest along to the ceremony, under the “Church Wedding/Public” rule. My plan was to leave after the ceremony, but our passage out the door was blocked by the receiving line, so we went through it. As I greeted and complimented the bride and introduced her to my friend, she (of course) insisted that we come to the reception as well. > > I found out later that my sister had _taken it upon herself to explain about my visiting friend and ask the bride if I could bring her along to the reception._ I could have smacked her (my sister, that is–not the bride). > > At any rate, my friend (who knew nobody at the wedding) felt incredibly uncomfortable, and I felt horribly tacky. > > \*\* Okay, bear with me on this. It’ll sound silly, but I have a valid point. You may be aware that I am a loyal fan of Hugh Jackman. You may also have seen him, last winter, in **Kate and Leopold**. (And if you’re female, I hope you swooned, as I did.) He got intensive training in 19th century etiquette for the role, and explained in an interview that this was not entirely foreign to him. He’s Australian, but his parents are British, and he and his siblings were raised according to strict British rules of etiquette (not putting down any Aussies here!). His mother drilled it into him at an early age that when you accept an invitation, the invitation stands. If Grandma invites you to tea on Saturday, and at the last minute, the Queen requests your presence at Buckingham Palace on the same Saturday, you tell HM’s secretary that you are dreadfully sorry, but you’ve already accepted another invitation. **You do not pick and choose among people. You honor your first commitment.** And if the person issuing the second invitation doesn’t respect your integrity, phooey on them. That’s really the only way. ---
**Author:** ![auntie\_em](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/a/5e9695/32.png) [@auntie\_em](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/auntie_em)\ **Post date:** [June 7, 2002, 1:20pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/no-see-i-bought-the-gift-you-write-the-thank-you-note/108572/136 "2002-06-07T13:20:56Z")
Thanks for the support, **Rilchiam** (although it’s all over now…), but honestly, I’d have to say it was _my sister_ who didn’t respect my integrity in honoring my first commitment (to the out of town friend–the bride probably couldn’t have cared less if I was unable to make it. My sister’s reasoning for why I _had_ to go to the wedding (besides devastation of the bride) was that I couldn’t miss the girl’s bridal shower (yep, I was invited to that, too, but already had plans to go out of town that weekend) AND her wedding! I’ve always gone by the “first commitment” rule (but then I rarely get invites from Buckingham Palace)–well, almost always… THe one time I can remember breaking that rule, I got my comeuppance. I was invited to a play by a (male) friend of mine, and said yes. Then my boyfriend got all pissy, because HE wanted to take me to this particular play (keep in mind–we were young…), so I ditched the buddy… …and then my boyfriend never got around to getting the tickets. Since then I stick to the rule. ---
**Author:** ![Gala\_Matrix\_Fire](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/g/4da419/32.png) [@Gala\_Matrix\_Fire](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Gala_Matrix_Fire)\ **Post date:** [June 7, 2002, 11:59pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/no-see-i-bought-the-gift-you-write-the-thank-you-note/108572/137 "2002-06-07T23:59:33Z")
I know it’s already been mentioned, but everyone seems to be skipping over the information that _you don’t bring a present to a wedding/reception_. You either send it or take it to the bride-to-be’s residence before the wedding takes place, or send it or take it to the married couple’s residence up to a year after the wedding. Miss Manners says it, therefore it is so. ---
**Author:** ![BiblioCat](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/b/ed8c4c/32.png) [@BiblioCat](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/BiblioCat)\ **Post date:** [June 8, 2002, 1:24am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/no-see-i-bought-the-gift-you-write-the-thank-you-note/108572/138 "2002-06-08T01:24:33Z")
> [@](#): > > \*Originally posted by bluethree \* > \*\*I know it’s already been mentioned, but everyone seems to be skipping over the information that _you don’t bring a present to a wedding/reception_. You either send it or take it to the bride-to-be’s residence before the wedding takes place, or send it or take it to the married couple’s residence up to a year after the wedding. > > Miss Manners says it, therefore it is so. \*\* I might have to quibble with this one. It could be a regional thing, too, but here on the East coast, there is ALWAYS a gift table at the reception. And a prettily-decorated box for envelopes. Yes, the proper thing is to have the gift sent, but if the couple isn’t registered anywhere (I wasn’t), what do you do? ---
**Author:** ![BiblioCat](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/b/ed8c4c/32.png) [@BiblioCat](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/BiblioCat)\ **Post date:** [June 8, 2002, 1:27am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/no-see-i-bought-the-gift-you-write-the-thank-you-note/108572/139 "2002-06-08T01:27:44Z")
> [@](#): > > \*Originally posted by bluethree \* > \*\*…up to a year after the wedding. > > Miss Manners says it, therefore it is so. \*\* I meant to address this remark, too. I had always heard you had a year to send a gift, and the bride had a year to send the Thank-you notes. I thought Miss Manners (or was it Emily Post?) had changed her mind on that “one year” rule. That now gifts and thank-yous are to be sent in a timely manner? None of this “within one year” crap? That seems a bit long. ---
**Author:** ![Rilchiam](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/r/2bfe46/32.png) [@Rilchiam](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Rilchiam)\ **Post date:** [June 8, 2002, 1:46am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/no-see-i-bought-the-gift-you-write-the-thank-you-note/108572/140 "2002-06-08T01:46:08Z")
Oh, **em** , I **was** supporting you! I meant that your **sister** was out of line! Sorry for the confusion. [Previous page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/no-see-i-bought-the-gift-you-write-the-thank-you-note/108572.md?page=6) [Next page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/no-see-i-bought-the-gift-you-write-the-thank-you-note/108572.md?page=8)