# No thank you, I do not want to dance. Which of these words is giving you trouble? **URL:** \ **Category:** Miscellaneous and Personal Stuff I Must Share\ **Created:** [August 30, 2013, 12:09am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/no-thank-you-i-do-not-want-to-dance-which-of-these-words-is-giving-you-trouble/667546 "2013-08-30T00:09:00Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 20\ **Page:** 4
**Author:** ![DummyGladHands](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/d/49beb7/32.png) [@DummyGladHands](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/DummyGladHands)\ **Post date:** [September 1, 2013, 3:50am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/no-thank-you-i-do-not-want-to-dance-which-of-these-words-is-giving-you-trouble/667546/61 "2013-09-01T03:50:24Z")
There is a moment when I am willing to try dancing. That moment is the minute between my 3rd and 4th drink. So please, don’t ask. ---
**Author:** ![Magiver](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/4491bb/32.png) [@Magiver](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Magiver)\ **Post date:** [September 1, 2013, 4:20am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/no-thank-you-i-do-not-want-to-dance-which-of-these-words-is-giving-you-trouble/667546/62 "2013-09-01T04:20:22Z")
I’ve been goaded into dancing before. Not my cup of tea. Kind of like being goaded into playing hockey. If I PLAYED hockey I’d be more interested. Never really learned to dance beyond the beer holding hand waving shuffle. I’ve also declined politely with the excuse of old sports injuries. Not hugely fond of shifting my weight back and forth because of all the prior broken bones in my feet. ---
**Author:** ![lorene](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/l/65b543/32.png) [@lorene](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/lorene)\ **Post date:** [September 1, 2013, 3:43pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/no-thank-you-i-do-not-want-to-dance-which-of-these-words-is-giving-you-trouble/667546/63 "2013-09-01T15:43:15Z")
> [@the\_diego](#): > > Just another feminist weapon imposed on males, “Don’t you know there’s nothing more embarrassing for a girl than to be refused to a dance by a man?” What crap. That _ **is** _ crap. What you just wrote I mean. > [@epbrown01](#): > > Sure, it’s clear. What it’s not, is relevant. A rifle shot to the head will kill you. Being run over by an 18-wheeler will kill you. Doing something nice for another person for 4 and a half minutes will not kill you. Get up, keep your elbows in, shuffle your feet a bit, smile. > [@Ranger\_Jeff](#): > > How do you feel about date rape? I’ve been pressured to dance before (even though I’m a feminist, who according to **the\_diego** , should be using the dance floor as a battlefield) and I’ve been pressured/forced into sex before. Your false equivalency is pretty ridiculous and offensive. Dance or don’t dance. Who cares. Do what someone else suggested and remove yourself from the edge of the dance floor. They can’t pressure you if they can’t locate you. ---
**Author:** ![Trepa\_Mayfield](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/t/edb3f5/32.png) [@Trepa\_Mayfield](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Trepa_Mayfield)\ **Post date:** [September 1, 2013, 5:50pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/no-thank-you-i-do-not-want-to-dance-which-of-these-words-is-giving-you-trouble/667546/64 "2013-09-01T17:50:41Z")
> [@DigitalC](#): > > They succeed because they don’t stop unless you get nasty, and then you end up looking like an asshole. There are no people who secretly want to dance and need to be pushed into it, only people who will do it because yelling at you to leave them the fuck alone at a wedding is probably not going to go over well. Sorry, that’s just factually untrue. I’m that kind of person, and I know other people like me. ---
**Author:** ![11811](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/1/9d8465/32.png) [@11811](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/11811)\ **Post date:** [September 1, 2013, 7:18pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/no-thank-you-i-do-not-want-to-dance-which-of-these-words-is-giving-you-trouble/667546/65 "2013-09-01T19:18:24Z")
> [@Mean\_Mr.Mustard](#): > > This attitude is exactly what I’m talking about. Your wanting me to dance overrides my wish to not dance. > > And _I’m_ the bad guy? > > (now leggo my hand!) > mmm mmm pretty much wins the debate right here. Way to go! I usually hate to dance also. ---
**Author:** ![the\_diego](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/t/7bcc69/32.png) [@the\_diego](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/the_diego)\ **Post date:** [September 1, 2013, 11:34pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/no-thank-you-i-do-not-want-to-dance-which-of-these-words-is-giving-you-trouble/667546/66 "2013-09-01T23:34:47Z")
> [@Lucky\_13](#): > > That’s not a feminist thing. Who the hell is telling you this nonsense? So, I get refused dances all the time. It’s not the end of the world. I don’t force anyone to dance if they don’t want to, just as I hate to be intimidated into dancing when I’m not in the mood. Sorry, but I assure you I hear it often enough, though we may be 180 degrees longit apart. No sense in either denying or apologizing for it. ---
**Author:** ![Guinastasia](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/guinastasia/32/5751_2.png) [@Guinastasia](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Guinastasia)\ **Post date:** [September 2, 2013, 2:25am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/no-thank-you-i-do-not-want-to-dance-which-of-these-words-is-giving-you-trouble/667546/67 "2013-09-02T02:25:05Z")
> [@Ranger\_Jeff](#): > > How do you feel about date rape? What the hell? :rolleyes: ---
**Author:** ![PatriotGrrrl](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/p/9dc877/32.png) [@PatriotGrrrl](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/PatriotGrrrl)\ **Post date:** [September 2, 2013, 4:30am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/no-thank-you-i-do-not-want-to-dance-which-of-these-words-is-giving-you-trouble/667546/68 "2013-09-02T04:30:41Z")
That was a response to this: > [@epbrown01](#): > > Sure, it’s clear. What it’s not, is relevant. A rifle shot to the head will kill you. Being run over by an 18-wheeler will kill you. Doing something nice for another person for 4 and a half minutes will not kill you. Get up, keep your elbows in, shuffle your feet a bit, smile. Having sex with someone you’re not attracted to won’t kill you either. What you want is not relevant. Doing something nice for another person for a few minutes won’t kill you. Lay down, open your legs, wiggle your hips a bit, smile. ---
**Author:** ![Ranger\_Jeff](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/ranger_jeff/32/2065_2.png) [@Ranger\_Jeff](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Ranger_Jeff)\ **Post date:** [September 2, 2013, 1:21pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/no-thank-you-i-do-not-want-to-dance-which-of-these-words-is-giving-you-trouble/667546/69 "2013-09-02T13:21:36Z")
Thank you for getting my point, PatriotGrrrl. ---
**Author:** ![Left\_Hand\_of\_Dorkness](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/left_hand_of_dorkness/32/7156_2.png) [@Left\_Hand\_of\_Dorkness](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Left_Hand_of_Dorkness)\ **Post date:** [September 2, 2013, 2:48pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/no-thank-you-i-do-not-want-to-dance-which-of-these-words-is-giving-you-trouble/667546/70 "2013-09-02T14:48:45Z")
> [@the\_diego](#): > > Sorry, but I assure you I hear it often enough, though we may be 180 degrees longit apart. No sense in either denying or apologizing for it. You’ve heard this sentence–“Don’t you know there’s nothing more embarrassing for a girl than to be refused to a dance by a man?” I’ve never heard it, nor anything like it. What’s more, if I did, I’d immediately peg the idiot saying it as an antifeminist moron. I don’t believe you’ve heard that sentence, and I categorically deny a person saying it is a feminist, as a matter of definition. ---
**Author:** ![JRDelirious](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/jrdelirious/32/9531_2.png) [@JRDelirious](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/JRDelirious)\ **Post date:** [September 2, 2013, 3:23pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/no-thank-you-i-do-not-want-to-dance-which-of-these-words-is-giving-you-trouble/667546/71 "2013-09-02T15:23:59Z")
In all fairness, **Ranger Jeff** , when I read that response I said to myself, _Oh, dear, people are now going to go on that it’s an offensive analogy_. Seeming to comparing anything to rape is understandably Godwinish for a lot of people, would not have used it myself to avoid a derail. And that saying **the\_diego** quotes does not sound at all “feminist” to me either. Closer to some sort of Game/Rules bull, trying to lay down a guilt trip to get someone to react. There’s no need to turn it into an ideological/gender battle. It’s a simple matter of preference and individual autonomy. I ask someone if they want to join in the fun. May be dancing, may be dinner, a baseball game, a drive in the country, a poetry reading. Sometimes they do, sometimes they don’t. If the latter, I take it at face value and move along. Should not be complicated. > [@Left\_Hand\_of\_Dorkness](#): > > Sorry, I don’t buy it. I’ve been that person before–or rather, the person who didn’t think I’d have fun, but ended up having fun when I got pressured into getting on the dance floor. Last I checked, I lack a horn on my forehead. I think a lot of people have conflicting emotions: embarrassment at the idea of dancing, and a desire to dance. I bet the dancepushers have felt that themselves. > > Again, not to excuse their behavior, but it sometimes works. > [@Trepa\_Mayfield](#): > > Sorry, that’s just factually untrue. I’m that kind of person, and I know other people like me. True – it ends up being that you DO like/want to dance, but are just facing some inhibitions to be overcome to actually proceed. The “dancepushers” seem to believe THIS is the norm, and that it’s people like the OP, who plain and simply _ **do not** _ like or want to, that don’t really exist. Standoff? ---
**Author:** ![Magiver](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/4491bb/32.png) [@Magiver](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Magiver)\ **Post date:** [September 2, 2013, 5:14pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/no-thank-you-i-do-not-want-to-dance-which-of-these-words-is-giving-you-trouble/667546/72 "2013-09-02T17:14:14Z")
> [@Left\_Hand\_of\_Dorkness](#): > > I’ve never heard it, nor anything like it. What’s more, if I did, I’d immediately peg the idiot saying it as an antifeminist moron. you’re completely ignoring the sexual interplay between men and women. Traditionally women try to attract men who in turn do the asking. ---
**Author:** ![11811](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/1/9d8465/32.png) [@11811](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/11811)\ **Post date:** [September 2, 2013, 8:06pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/no-thank-you-i-do-not-want-to-dance-which-of-these-words-is-giving-you-trouble/667546/73 "2013-09-02T20:06:45Z")
> [@PatriotGrrrl](#): > > That was a response to this: > > Having sex with someone you’re not attracted to won’t kill you either. What you want is not relevant. Doing something nice for another person for a few minutes won’t kill you. Lay down, open your legs, wiggle your hips a bit, smile. And think of England.🙂 ---
**Author:** ![gus28](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/g/6de8d8/32.png) [@gus28](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/gus28)\ **Post date:** [September 3, 2013, 3:47am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/no-thank-you-i-do-not-want-to-dance-which-of-these-words-is-giving-you-trouble/667546/74 "2013-09-03T03:47:29Z")
Ever been to a pool party and decided you didn’t want to get in the pool? Ever been to a cookout and not be hungry? Just went to a pool party, had a bet with with my girlfriend. I won, 7 people asked me when I was getting in the pool. (she had guessed 3, me 6)The last cookout we went to 5 people asked me when I was going to eat. Really? Food on the table, food on people’s plate. I also don’t mean just one time, continuousy asking. I really don’t need these people to point out the obvious to me, any more than I need people to point out to me that there is music and a dance floor. And please, if someone can tell me a polite way to stop this, i will be indebted. “What is your obsession with me getting into the pool?” didn’t go over very well. ---
**Author:** ![Ranger\_Jeff](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/ranger_jeff/32/2065_2.png) [@Ranger\_Jeff](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Ranger_Jeff)\ **Post date:** [September 3, 2013, 4:11am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/no-thank-you-i-do-not-want-to-dance-which-of-these-words-is-giving-you-trouble/667546/75 "2013-09-03T04:11:07Z")
> [@JRDelirious](#): > > In all fairness, **Ranger Jeff** , when I read that response I said to myself, _Oh, dear, people are now going to go on that it’s an offensive analogy_. Seeming to comparing anything to rape is understandably Godwinish for a lot of people, would not have used it myself to avoid a derail. Look, **epbrown01** ’s comment\* “Doing something nice for another person for 4 and a half minutes will not kill you. Get up, keep your elbows in, shuffle your feet a bit, smile.”\* really pissed me off. Sure, it was an extreme analogy. I didn’t intend to discount date rape. My intent was to make the point that in both situations, one party has gone beyond asking and is now insisting that another party do something that they have clearly stated they did not want to do. Why should “No” mean “No” in a dating situation but mean “I’m playing coy, but I want you to talk me into it” in a dancing situation? Unfortunately, most date rapes occur when she says “NO” and he hears “I’m just playing hard to get.” ---
**Author:** ![the\_diego](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/t/7bcc69/32.png) [@the\_diego](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/the_diego)\ **Post date:** [September 3, 2013, 4:13am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/no-thank-you-i-do-not-want-to-dance-which-of-these-words-is-giving-you-trouble/667546/76 "2013-09-03T04:13:58Z")
^ There’s something of a difference here. In a planned party, you’re there to participate (including dancing if that’s the expressed activity.) If it’s just two strangers in the night on the dance floor, it’s something else. Bottom line, I don’t want to refuse girls in either scenario and I haven’t been to that many parties as a youth. Fortunately, the preference has shifted to Karaoke wherein I can give a fairly good account of myself. ---
**Author:** ![Ranger\_Jeff](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/ranger_jeff/32/2065_2.png) [@Ranger\_Jeff](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Ranger_Jeff)\ **Post date:** [September 3, 2013, 4:17am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/no-thank-you-i-do-not-want-to-dance-which-of-these-words-is-giving-you-trouble/667546/77 "2013-09-03T04:17:59Z")
> [@gus28](#): > > Ever been to a pool party and decided you didn’t want to get in the pool? Ever been to a cookout and not be hungry? Just went to a pool party, had a bet with with my girlfriend. I won, 7 people asked me when I was getting in the pool. (she had guessed 3, me 6)The last cookout we went to 5 people asked me when I was going to eat. Really? Food on the table, food on people’s plate. I also don’t mean just one time, continuousy asking. I really don’t need these people to point out the obvious to me, any more than I need people to point out to me that there is music and a dance floor. And please, if someone can tell me a polite way to stop this, i will be indebted. “What is your obsession with me getting into the pool?” didn’t go over very well. Tell me about it. Not only am I a non-dancer, but I don’t drink alcohol either. Maybe a glass of wine or two with Thanksgiving dinner, but that’s it. I’m not preachy about it or in recovery, just never really acquired the taste. I understand hospitality etiquette requires a host to offer drinks to guests, but shouldn’t it also allow a host to stop offering after a guest has repeatedly said “No. Thank you.”? Though I guess some might suggest I just get off my high horse and do the host the favor for a couple of minutes by taking the drink and sipping on it. ---
**Author:** ![epbrown01](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/e/7ba0ec/32.png) [@epbrown01](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/epbrown01)\ **Post date:** [September 3, 2013, 5:58am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/no-thank-you-i-do-not-want-to-dance-which-of-these-words-is-giving-you-trouble/667546/78 "2013-09-03T05:58:11Z")
Note, I say all this as someone that\* loathes \*dancing as well. If cowboys were shooting at my feet shouting “dance, epbrown01, dance!” I’d likely hold out until I lost a toe or two before starting some half-hearted, limping, bloody jig. I have never gone out _hoping_ to spend an evening dancing. But at a social gathering, I go ahead and get out there when requested, if I’m not engaged otherwise or don’t foresee a scene brewing (jealous and fuming SO lurking; the requester too tipsy for things to go well). In large part, because it’s part of socializing - it’s not just about _me_ having a good time, _everyone’s_ there to have a good time. It’s such a tiny thing that helps other enjoy themselves, helps the hosts who invited me get their party going well, and gives my friends a laugh (I really can’t dance). And it often works out that you often have the best time helping others have a good time rather than focusing on just you. Still, when they do the pie chart of my time spent on Earth, I’ll have likely wasted more time on this forum than I’ve spent dancing, with more positive effect on those around me. Pretty much any guy not working as a male stripper can say the same. From another perspective, someone asking you to dance is asking for your help - your help wth having a good time, a successful evening. And you’re saying “Nope.” Yeah, we don’t like dancing - is _any_ task helping others something we’re all eager to do? Helping others is what good guys do. And conversely, not helping others makes you… > [@Mean\_Mr.Mustard](#): > > This attitude is exactly what I’m talking about. Your wanting me to dance overrides my wish to not dance. > > And _I’m_ the **bad guy**? Kinda, yeah. ---
**Author:** ![Guinastasia](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/guinastasia/32/5751_2.png) [@Guinastasia](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Guinastasia)\ **Post date:** [September 3, 2013, 6:28am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/no-thank-you-i-do-not-want-to-dance-which-of-these-words-is-giving-you-trouble/667546/79 "2013-09-03T06:28:44Z")
Dance or not, I really don’t give a shit. But the idea that dancing even when you don’t want to is somehow comparable to _rape_ is just utterly, insanely ridiculous. If you literally feel that way, seek help – you have lost all sense of rationality. ---
**Author:** ![JRDelirious](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/jrdelirious/32/9531_2.png) [@JRDelirious](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/JRDelirious)\ **Post date:** [September 3, 2013, 1:02pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/no-thank-you-i-do-not-want-to-dance-which-of-these-words-is-giving-you-trouble/667546/80 "2013-09-03T13:02:35Z")
> [@epbrown01](#): > > From another perspective, someone asking you to dance is asking for your help - your help wth having a good time, a successful evening. And you’re saying “Nope.” Yeah, we don’t like dancing - is _any_ task helping others something we’re all eager to do? Helping others is what good guys do. So then \*\*\*imposing \*\*\*upon someone else that he should “help you have a good time” – _not with a **need** or a compelling goal_, but just to become a party in mere entertainment – is something that should override another human’s comfort zone and is to be expected? If someone I ask to join me in fun sincerely does not want to, _ **s/he has done me no wrong** _. If s/he feels compelled by a passive-agressive guilt trip to do it I’d rather s/he did not. [Previous page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/no-thank-you-i-do-not-want-to-dance-which-of-these-words-is-giving-you-trouble/667546.md?page=3) [Next page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/no-thank-you-i-do-not-want-to-dance-which-of-these-words-is-giving-you-trouble/667546.md?page=5)