# No thank you, I do not want to dance. Which of these words is giving you trouble? **URL:** \ **Category:** Miscellaneous and Personal Stuff I Must Share\ **Created:** [August 30, 2013, 12:09am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/no-thank-you-i-do-not-want-to-dance-which-of-these-words-is-giving-you-trouble/667546 "2013-08-30T00:09:00Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 20\ **Page:** 5
**Author:** ![Dogzilla](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/d/e480ec/32.png) [@Dogzilla](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Dogzilla)\ **Post date:** [September 3, 2013, 1:04pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/no-thank-you-i-do-not-want-to-dance-which-of-these-words-is-giving-you-trouble/667546/81 "2013-09-03T13:04:49Z")
> [@sciurophobic](#): > > Ok, this I agree with. I don’t understand complete refusal to ever get on the dance floor, but I admit I also will refuse to dance to music I hate. I’ll get up when the rap song is over thank you. Unless it’s followed by country, then I’m still not moving. I’m also not doing any of those line dances like the macarena or the electric slide. Most offer no creativity whatsoever – they are designed for people who do not know how to dance. Learn the steps and hand motions (if there are any) and presto! You, too, can look smooth and slick out there on the dance floor. I am a good dancer and get bored out of my skull midway through the first repetition. I tend to split off (if dragged out there by my friends) and just do my own thing. Why do the electric slide when I actually possess rhythm and can actually move my ass to the beat? ---
**Author:** ![Bam\_Boo\_Gut](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/b/8c91f0/32.png) [@Bam\_Boo\_Gut](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Bam_Boo_Gut)\ **Post date:** [September 3, 2013, 1:25pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/no-thank-you-i-do-not-want-to-dance-which-of-these-words-is-giving-you-trouble/667546/82 "2013-09-03T13:25:58Z")
> [@DigitalC](#): > > How do the people who won’t take no for an answer and try to force non drinkers to drink look to you? Oh shut up and have a proper drink 😃 I like to dance but I’m probably considered quite rude in refusing offers from time to time yet it’s the offeree who’s being beligerant and therefore ruder. So I’m with the OP - nothing wrong with a gentle enticement or two to be politely declined, after that it’s gloves off. ---
**Author:** ![Laggard](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/l/9de053/32.png) [@Laggard](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Laggard)\ **Post date:** [September 3, 2013, 1:27pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/no-thank-you-i-do-not-want-to-dance-which-of-these-words-is-giving-you-trouble/667546/83 "2013-09-03T13:27:56Z")
> [@terentii](#): > > Just out of curiosity, what do you have against dancing? 😕 It’s so stupid. ---
**Author:** ![Bam\_Boo\_Gut](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/b/8c91f0/32.png) [@Bam\_Boo\_Gut](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Bam_Boo_Gut)\ **Post date:** [September 3, 2013, 1:29pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/no-thank-you-i-do-not-want-to-dance-which-of-these-words-is-giving-you-trouble/667546/84 "2013-09-03T13:29:33Z")
[quote=“Dogzilla, post:81, topic:667546”] I’m also not doing any of those line dances like the macarena or the electric slide. QUOTE] Ha ha - that stuff has me off the dancefloor in seconds. I’m a bit of a freestyler and there’s no way I’m jumping around in circles tapping my shoulders. It looks cute when everyone else does it - let’s keep it that way! ---
**Author:** ![DigitalC](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/d/ebca7d/32.png) [@DigitalC](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/DigitalC)\ **Post date:** [September 3, 2013, 2:02pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/no-thank-you-i-do-not-want-to-dance-which-of-these-words-is-giving-you-trouble/667546/85 "2013-09-03T14:02:43Z")
> [@Guinastasia](#): > > Dance or not, I really don’t give a shit. But the idea that dancing even when you don’t want to is somehow comparable to _rape_ is just utterly, insanely ridiculous. If you literally feel that way, seek help – you have lost all sense of rationality. He didn’t compare it to rape, he compared it to AGREEING to have sex with someone because “it won’t kill you” and it would make them happy. Something that moronic does require an anology like that to make the point. ---
**Author:** ![CLee](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/c/f19dbf/32.png) [@CLee](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/CLee)\ **Post date:** [September 3, 2013, 2:07pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/no-thank-you-i-do-not-want-to-dance-which-of-these-words-is-giving-you-trouble/667546/86 "2013-09-03T14:07:00Z")
> [@gus28](#): > > Ever been to a pool party and decided you didn’t want to get in the pool? Ever been to a cookout and not be hungry? Just went to a pool party, had a bet with with my girlfriend. I won, 7 people asked me when I was getting in the pool. (she had guessed 3, me 6)The last cookout we went to 5 people asked me when I was going to eat. Really? Food on the table, food on people’s plate. I also don’t mean just one time, continuousy asking. I really don’t need these people to point out the obvious to me, any more than I need people to point out to me that there is music and a dance floor. And please, if someone can tell me a polite way to stop this, i will be indebted. “What is your obsession with me getting into the pool?” didn’t go over very well. This is quite possibly the most passive aggressive behavior I’ve ever seen anyone admit to and recruiting your girlfriend to assist you with making every social gathering awkward and painful is just awful. Just stay home rather than work so hard to draw negative attention to yourself. ---
**Author:** ![Doug\_K](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/d/b5ac83/32.png) [@Doug\_K](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Doug_K)\ **Post date:** [September 3, 2013, 2:13pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/no-thank-you-i-do-not-want-to-dance-which-of-these-words-is-giving-you-trouble/667546/87 "2013-09-03T14:13:24Z")
> [@DigitalC](#): > > He didn’t compare it to rape, he compared it to AGREEING to have sex with someone because “it won’t kill you” and it would make them happy. Something that moronic does require an anology like that to make the point. Yes. The whole notion that the person who doesn’t want to do something has to prove to the requester’s satisfaction that it would cause some kind of harm before being allowed to refuse is reprehensible. ---
**Author:** ![Procrustus](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/procrustus/32/2994_2.png) [@Procrustus](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Procrustus)\ **Post date:** [September 3, 2013, 2:39pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/no-thank-you-i-do-not-want-to-dance-which-of-these-words-is-giving-you-trouble/667546/88 "2013-09-03T14:39:58Z")
> [@epbrown01](#): > > . I have never gone out _hoping_ to spend an evening dancing. > > But at a social gathering, I go ahead and get out there when requested, if I’m not engaged otherwise or don’t foresee a scene brewing (jealous and fuming SO lurking; the requester too tipsy for things to go well). Well clearly you don’t mind dancing as much as some of the rest of us. There are tons of things I could be persuaded to do to be fun and get along. I’ll also drive 50 miles out of my way if you need a ride. I’ll loan you $1000 and not expect to see it returned. I’ll take a long walk on the beach when I’d rather be napping. I’ll bring something to your pot luck (and I hate pot lucks). I will not, however, dance. Just because you’re willing to do it, doesn’t change the the point of the OP. If someone doesn’t want to dance, they should be left alone. It really, really, doesn’t ruin the party, wedding, or bar scene to have a few people sitting around having a drink while you dance. ---
**Author:** ![MegaBee](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/f0a364/32.png) [@MegaBee](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/MegaBee)\ **Post date:** [September 3, 2013, 3:24pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/no-thank-you-i-do-not-want-to-dance-which-of-these-words-is-giving-you-trouble/667546/89 "2013-09-03T15:24:44Z")
> [@Left\_Hand\_of\_Dorkness](#): > > You’ve heard this sentence–“Don’t you know there’s nothing more embarrassing for a girl than to be refused to a dance by a man?” > > I’ve never heard it, nor anything like it. What’s more, if I did, I’d immediately peg the idiot saying it as an antifeminist moron. I don’t believe you’ve heard that sentence, and I categorically deny a person saying it is a feminist, as a matter of definition. I’ve had it said to me in an attempt to get me to dance when I didn’t feel like it. It’s pretty much the opposite of feminist. ---
**Author:** ![Drunky\_Smurf](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/drunky_smurf/32/449_2.png) [@Drunky\_Smurf](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Drunky_Smurf)\ **Post date:** [September 3, 2013, 7:37pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/no-thank-you-i-do-not-want-to-dance-which-of-these-words-is-giving-you-trouble/667546/90 "2013-09-03T19:37:58Z")
> [@epbrown01](#): > > From another perspective, someone asking you to dance is asking for your help - your help wth having a good time, a successful evening. And you’re saying “Nope.” Yeah, we don’t like dancing - is _any_ task helping others something we’re all eager to do? Helping others is what good guys do. And conversely, not helping others makes you… > > Kinda, yeah. This is the way the nazis thought too. “Come on. Go in the gas chamber. It will make my evening a lot better if you just go in the gas chamber. Why don’t you want to go in the gas chamber? You’re really being a bad person here by not going into the gas chamber and making my evening more enjoyable.” ---
**Author:** ![JRDelirious](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/jrdelirious/32/9531_2.png) [@JRDelirious](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/JRDelirious)\ **Post date:** [September 3, 2013, 8:57pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/no-thank-you-i-do-not-want-to-dance-which-of-these-words-is-giving-you-trouble/667546/91 "2013-09-03T20:57:53Z")
:rolleyes: Y’all are never letting go that a disproportionate analogy was used, are you… ---
**Author:** ![epbrown01](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/e/7ba0ec/32.png) [@epbrown01](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/epbrown01)\ **Post date:** [September 3, 2013, 10:12pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/no-thank-you-i-do-not-want-to-dance-which-of-these-words-is-giving-you-trouble/667546/92 "2013-09-03T22:12:47Z")
> [@JRDelirious](#): > > So then \*\*\*imposing \*\*\*upon someone else that he should “help you have a good time” – _not with a **need** or a compelling goal_, but just to become a party in mere entertainment – is something that should override another human’s comfort zone and is to be expected? My take on it is this: by accepting the invitation to attend and participate in a gathering, you’ve agreed to attend and participate. The time to decline the activity is not **after** you’ve arrived - it’s before. And if you don’t feel strongly enough about the issue to decline the invitation outright, then don’t half-ass it and show up only to grumble and whine about people expecting you to engage in the activity you’ve agreed to engage in. Suck it up. Don’t get mad at the people asking you to dance, get upset with the person that put you in that situation - oh, wait. Now, as I’ve said, I don’t like dancing. However sometimes my relationship with the person inviting me is such that I feel I can’t reasonably decline attending a gathering that will include dancing to help them celebrate some milestone. To my mind, if the relationship is important enough to me to attend even though I don’t like dancing, it’s also important enough to hide my distaste and participate. And as an adult, this means no whining, complaining, grousing, grumbling, pouting, acting put-upon or like I’m doing a big favor. I accepted the invitation, it’s time to behave gracefully. If you can’t accept the entire package gracefully, don’t accept. You won’t have to spend an unpleasant evening saying no all night if you had the conviction to say no in the first place. And if you’re in a situation where you can’t so no, acknowledge and accept that and proceed like a grown-up rather than a recalcitrant two-year old. > [@Procrustus](#): > > Well clearly you don’t mind dancing as much as some of the rest of us. I’d say it’s more that I don’t like whining as much. ---
**Author:** ![Mean\_Mr.Mustard](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/mean_mr.mustard/32/3865_2.png) [@Mean\_Mr.Mustard](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Mean_Mr.Mustard)\ **Post date:** [September 3, 2013, 10:58pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/no-thank-you-i-do-not-want-to-dance-which-of-these-words-is-giving-you-trouble/667546/93 "2013-09-03T22:58:06Z")
OP here. I feel the need to clarify something. In my scenario I was speaking not so much of one person asking me to dance and being personally offended at my resistance. I was instead trying to portray a situation where someone is _already dancing_ - typically within a small group - and feels that I absolutely must be up there with them. I’ve seen it happen time and again. One of the offenders, after seeing my repeated begging-off motions, dances her way over to my table and attempts to physically haul me onto the dance floor with the others. Because then I would be, you know, _having fun_. This is a bit different scene than some poor lass getting her feelings crushed because I turned her down specifically. mmm ---
**Author:** ![gus28](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/g/6de8d8/32.png) [@gus28](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/gus28)\ **Post date:** [September 3, 2013, 11:12pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/no-thank-you-i-do-not-want-to-dance-which-of-these-words-is-giving-you-trouble/667546/94 "2013-09-03T23:12:27Z")
> [@CLee](#): > > This is quite possibly the most passive aggressive behavior I’ve ever seen anyone admit to and recruiting your girlfriend to assist you with making every social gathering awkward and painful is just awful. Just stay home rather than work so hard to draw negative attention to yourself. I didn’t recruit anyone, it was more of a joke on the way there than anything else. It was a 20 second conversation. Every social gathering? I mentioned one pool party where I asked a question. I didn’t work hard at all to draw any attention to myself whatsoever. If you knew the person throwing the pool party (a best friend of mine), you would know the best way to draw negative attention to myself would be to not show up. ---
**Author:** ![Dr.Strangelove](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/dr.strangelove/32/6613_2.png) [@Dr.Strangelove](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Dr.Strangelove)\ **Post date:** [September 3, 2013, 11:18pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/no-thank-you-i-do-not-want-to-dance-which-of-these-words-is-giving-you-trouble/667546/95 "2013-09-03T23:18:27Z")
> [@epbrown01](#): > > You won’t have to spend an unpleasant evening saying no all night if you had the conviction to say no in the first place. Sometimes it goes beyond just the evening. After countless wedding receptions where I was physically coerced into dancing (talk about causing a scene if I had actually resisted…), I decided once to quietly disappear and go for a stroll outside for the dancing portion. Well, I managed to avoid awkward questions \*during \*the dance, but I managed to anger the bride for some time afterward. Apparently, the only solution that dancepushers approve of is for non-dancers to withdraw from all social interaction altogether. ---
**Author:** ![JRDelirious](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/jrdelirious/32/9531_2.png) [@JRDelirious](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/JRDelirious)\ **Post date:** [September 4, 2013, 12:07am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/no-thank-you-i-do-not-want-to-dance-which-of-these-words-is-giving-you-trouble/667546/96 "2013-09-04T00:07:18Z")
> [@epbrown01](#): > > My take on it is this: by accepting the invitation to attend and participate in a gathering, you’ve agreed to attend and participate. The time to decline the activity is not **after** you’ve arrived - it’s before. And if you don’t feel strongly enough about the issue to decline the invitation outright, then don’t half-ass it and show up only to grumble and whine about people expecting you to engage in the activity you’ve agreed to engage in. Suck it up. Don’t get mad at the people asking you to dance, get upset with the person that put you in that situation - oh, wait. > […] > If you can’t accept the entire package gracefully, don’t accept. You won’t have to spend an unpleasant evening saying no all night if you had the conviction to say no in the first place. And if you’re in a situation where you can’t so no, acknowledge and accept that and proceed like a grown-up rather than a recalcitrant two-year old. :dubious: Please forgive me for not joining you in the Superior Dance. In the interest of full disclosure it has been like forever since I was in the uncomfortable OP situation. Somehow for over a quarter century I have managed to not really have had to deal _myself_ with the won’t-take-no-for-an-answer-when -I-really-mean-NO-or-else-get-mad-make-a-scene sort of scenario at any number of parties/weddings/clubcrawls. So it does bother me that a person’s choice to dance or not if and when they feel like it, which has been the accepted norm for me essentially for all my adult life, would be viewed as somehow an impeachment of their character. Your post leads to reactions like the last line in **Dr. Strangelove** ’s post immediately preceding this one. (Though still, Doc, disappearing is not an elegant strategy either, as you learned.) Bringing it to the personal realm, people who’d specifically and personally invite me, because of there being a relationship, to a celebration, will know that I can share happily in their merriment over food, drink, conversation, games, will help with managing the crowd or moving supplies, will dress up, pose for pictures, etc. and \*depending on circumstance \*dance **or** not dance, and we are both glad I’m there sharing their company. OTOH when simply at a general type event where the invitation/participation is open/impersonal, well, then others at the event would not have any higher moral claim over my way of enjoying the evening. I may dance, I may not dance, I may dance part of the time and not the rest of the time. ---
**Author:** ![PaulParkhead](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/p/7ea924/32.png) [@PaulParkhead](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/PaulParkhead)\ **Post date:** [September 4, 2013, 12:13am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/no-thank-you-i-do-not-want-to-dance-which-of-these-words-is-giving-you-trouble/667546/97 "2013-09-04T00:13:26Z")
> [@epbrown01](#): > > My take on it is this: by accepting the invitation to attend and participate in a gathering, you’ve agreed to attend and participate. The time to decline the activity is not **after** you’ve arrived - it’s before. And if you don’t feel strongly enough about the issue to decline the invitation outright, then don’t half-ass it and show up only to grumble and whine about people expecting you to engage in the activity you’ve agreed to engage in. Right, so, if I host a party where alcohol will be served, non-drinkers should just suck it up and get sozzled or decline the invitation outright? ---
**Author:** ![PatriotGrrrl](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/p/9dc877/32.png) [@PatriotGrrrl](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/PatriotGrrrl)\ **Post date:** [September 4, 2013, 12:26am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/no-thank-you-i-do-not-want-to-dance-which-of-these-words-is-giving-you-trouble/667546/98 "2013-09-04T00:26:38Z")
If you NEED everyone around you to be drinking for you to have a good time, you’ve got a drinking problem. If you NEED everyone around you to be dancing for you to have a good time, you’ve got… some kind of problem. ---
**Author:** ![PaulParkhead](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/p/7ea924/32.png) [@PaulParkhead](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/PaulParkhead)\ **Post date:** [September 4, 2013, 12:34am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/no-thank-you-i-do-not-want-to-dance-which-of-these-words-is-giving-you-trouble/667546/99 "2013-09-04T00:34:17Z")
> [@PatriotGrrrl](#): > > If you NEED everyone around you to be drinking for you to have a good time, you’ve got a drinking problem. > > If you NEED everyone around you to be dancing for you to have a good time, you’ve got… some kind of problem. Should contact Dancerpushers Anonymous, perhaps? I guess I was getting at the idea that well, if dancing is _part_ of a social event then everyone must participate. That seems odd to me - most events I go to, dancing, drinking, eating and conversation are equal parts of the deal. But then I _will_ be firm in my refusal to dance, and anyone who complains will be gently reminded about who made a scene in the first place. ---
**Author:** ![Doug\_K](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/d/b5ac83/32.png) [@Doug\_K](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Doug_K)\ **Post date:** [September 4, 2013, 12:44am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/no-thank-you-i-do-not-want-to-dance-which-of-these-words-is-giving-you-trouble/667546/100 "2013-09-04T00:44:07Z")
> [@epbrown01](#): > > My take on it is this: by accepting the invitation to attend and participate in a gathering, you’ve agreed to attend and participate. The time to decline the activity is not **after** you’ve arrived - it’s before. And if you don’t feel strongly enough about the issue to decline the invitation outright, then don’t half-ass it and show up only to grumble and whine about people expecting you to engage in the activity you’ve agreed to engage in. Suck it up. Don’t get mad at the people asking you to dance, get upset with the person that put you in that situation - oh, wait. > > Now, as I’ve said, I don’t like dancing. However sometimes my relationship with the person inviting me is such that I feel I can’t reasonably decline attending a gathering that will include dancing to help them celebrate some milestone. To my mind, if the relationship is important enough to me to attend even though I don’t like dancing, it’s also important enough to hide my distaste and participate. And as an adult, this means no whining, complaining, grousing, grumbling, pouting, acting put-upon or like I’m doing a big favor. I accepted the invitation, it’s time to behave gracefully. > > If you can’t accept the entire package gracefully, don’t accept. You won’t have to spend an unpleasant evening saying no all night if you had the conviction to say no in the first place. And if you’re in a situation where you can’t so no, acknowledge and accept that and proceed like a grown-up rather than a recalcitrant two-year old. So no one who doesn’t like to dance is allowed to attend weddings? No one who doesn’t like to dance can go hear a local band or hang out with friends? Ridiculous. The people who need to learn to behave gracefully are the ones who can’t take no for an answer. [Previous page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/no-thank-you-i-do-not-want-to-dance-which-of-these-words-is-giving-you-trouble/667546.md?page=4) [Next page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/no-thank-you-i-do-not-want-to-dance-which-of-these-words-is-giving-you-trouble/667546.md?page=6)