# No, you can't get to heaven (no, you can't get to heaven) **URL:** \ **Category:** Miscellaneous and Personal Stuff I Must Share\ **Created:** [September 4, 2011, 2:03am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/no-you-cant-get-to-heaven-no-you-cant-get-to-heaven/595127 "2011-09-04T02:03:18Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 20\ **Page:** 2
**Author:** ![Hilarity\_N.Suze](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/hilarity_n.suze/32/6223_2.png) [@Hilarity\_N.Suze](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Hilarity_N.Suze)\ **Post date:** [September 4, 2011, 8:37pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/no-you-cant-get-to-heaven-no-you-cant-get-to-heaven/595127/21 "2011-09-04T20:37:15Z")
One day of prayin’ and six nights of fun. Odds against going to Heaven, six to one. ---
**Author:** ![RealityChuck](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/realitychuck/32/195_2.png) [@RealityChuck](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/RealityChuck)\ **Post date:** [September 4, 2011, 9:10pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/no-you-cant-get-to-heaven-no-you-cant-get-to-heaven/595127/22 "2011-09-04T21:10:33Z")
Heaven is in your mind. ---
**Author:** ![Kent\_Clark](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/kent_clark/32/105_2.png) [@Kent\_Clark](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Kent_Clark)\ **Post date:** [September 4, 2011, 9:27pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/no-you-cant-get-to-heaven-no-you-cant-get-to-heaven/595127/23 "2011-09-04T21:27:03Z")
Whoa, death come a knockin’ on that sinners door Said old sinner, "Are you ready to go? "He said, "No, no, no, no, no, no, no, Because I ain’t got on my travelin’ shoes… ---
**Author:** ![simster](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/simster/32/1047_2.png) [@simster](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/simster)\ **Post date:** [September 4, 2011, 11:29pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/no-you-cant-get-to-heaven-no-you-cant-get-to-heaven/595127/24 "2011-09-04T23:29:08Z")
Saint Peter don’t you call me 'cause I can’t go I owe my soul to the company store ---
**Author:** ![JoThrive](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/j/87869e/32.png) [@JoThrive](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/JoThrive)\ **Post date:** [September 4, 2011, 11:45pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/no-you-cant-get-to-heaven-no-you-cant-get-to-heaven/595127/25 "2011-09-04T23:45:55Z")
Oh, you can’t get to heaven in a trolley car 'Cause the gosh darn thing won’t go that far. ---
**Author:** ![Farmer\_Jane](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/f/bbe5ce/32.png) [@Farmer\_Jane](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Farmer_Jane)\ **Post date:** [September 4, 2011, 11:54pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/no-you-cant-get-to-heaven-no-you-cant-get-to-heaven/595127/26 "2011-09-04T23:54:47Z")
> [@Baker](#): > > \*“Is this heaven?” > > “No, it’s Iowa.”\* > > C’mon, you know what movie that’s from! 😃 ! So apparently 380 won’t get you to Heaven! \*\* Or 136, cause I guess it was filmed in Dyersville but the film noted a place outside of ‘Iowa City’. ---
**Author:** ![Aspidistra](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/aspidistra/32/3894_2.png) [@Aspidistra](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Aspidistra)\ **Post date:** [September 5, 2011, 2:54am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/no-you-cant-get-to-heaven-no-you-cant-get-to-heaven/595127/27 "2011-09-05T02:54:44Z")
_Oh you can’t get to heaven In a biscuit tin 'Cos God won’t let Those crummy ones in_ ---
**Author:** ![Spoons](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/spoons/32/3141_2.png) [@Spoons](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Spoons)\ **Post date:** [September 5, 2011, 3:47am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/no-you-cant-get-to-heaven-no-you-cant-get-to-heaven/595127/28 "2011-09-05T03:47:26Z")
Well, according to John Denver, West Virginia is _almost_ heaven. ---
**Author:** ![Koxinga](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/k/4af34b/32.png) [@Koxinga](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Koxinga)\ **Post date:** [September 5, 2011, 3:55am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/no-you-cant-get-to-heaven-no-you-cant-get-to-heaven/595127/29 "2011-09-05T03:55:55Z")
as I have it on [good authority](http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=iTYafNtr2v8) that: **If I die before I wake At least in heaven I can skate Cause right now on Earth I can’t do jack Without the man up on my back** ---
**Author:** ![JoThrive](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/j/87869e/32.png) [@JoThrive](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/JoThrive)\ **Post date:** [September 5, 2011, 2:06pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/no-you-cant-get-to-heaven-no-you-cant-get-to-heaven/595127/30 "2011-09-05T14:06:30Z")
Oh, you can’t get to heaven on a pair of skis 'Cause you’ll schuss right through St. Peter’s knees. ---
**Author:** ![Double\_Foolscap](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/d/85e7bf/32.png) [@Double\_Foolscap](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Double_Foolscap)\ **Post date:** [September 5, 2011, 2:57pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/no-you-cant-get-to-heaven-no-you-cant-get-to-heaven/595127/31 "2011-09-05T14:57:30Z")
You can’t get to heaven in a bottle of gin, 'cause the Lord won’t let no spirits in… You can’t get to heaven in Akela’s\* bra, 'cause Akela’s bra won’t stretch that far… You can’t get to heaven on a sheet of glass, 'cause a sheet of glass will cut your arse… \*We sang it in Cub Scouts 🙂 ---
**Author:** ![Bam\_Boo\_Gut](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/b/8c91f0/32.png) [@Bam\_Boo\_Gut](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Bam_Boo_Gut)\ **Post date:** [September 5, 2011, 6:37pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/no-you-cant-get-to-heaven-no-you-cant-get-to-heaven/595127/32 "2011-09-05T18:37:00Z")
I learned it as: You’ll **never** get to heaven … In a Playtex bra cus a Playtex bra won’t stretch that far On rollerskates, cus you’ll roll right by those pearly gate ---
**Author:** ![Ellen\_Cherry](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/ellen_cherry/32/3600_2.png) [@Ellen\_Cherry](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Ellen_Cherry)\ **Post date:** [September 5, 2011, 6:51pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/no-you-cant-get-to-heaven-no-you-cant-get-to-heaven/595127/33 "2011-09-05T18:51:58Z")
I am in disbelief that this song popped into my head yesterday … after thirtymmmrrs years … and here today there’s a thread about it! **Rilchiam** were you hiding in my kitchen yesterday? 😛 ---
**Author:** ![Attack\_from\_the\_3rd\_dimension](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/a/b38774/32.png) [@Attack\_from\_the\_3rd\_dimension](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Attack_from_the_3rd_dimension)\ **Post date:** [September 5, 2011, 11:31pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/no-you-cant-get-to-heaven-no-you-cant-get-to-heaven/595127/34 "2011-09-05T23:31:02Z")
_You can’t get to heaven in a red canoe 'cause the Lord’s favorite color is Carolina Blue._ I only contribute this for completeness. ---
**Author:** ![Rilchiam](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/r/2bfe46/32.png) [@Rilchiam](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Rilchiam)\ **Post date:** [September 6, 2011, 2:17am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/no-you-cant-get-to-heaven-no-you-cant-get-to-heaven/595127/35 "2011-09-06T02:17:41Z")
No, I wasn’t in your kitchen, **Ellen** , but since you brought it up– There’s bread and cheese…upon the shelf… If you want any more…you can get it yourself! ---
**Author:** ![Peter\_Morris](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/peter_morris/32/359_2.png) [@Peter\_Morris](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Peter_Morris)\ **Post date:** [September 6, 2011, 3:26am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/no-you-cant-get-to-heaven-no-you-cant-get-to-heaven/595127/36 "2011-09-06T03:26:51Z")
You can’t get to Heaven In a Heinz Beans tin Cause a Heinz Beans tin Got Heinz Beans in. But if I get to heaven Before you do I’ll dig a hole And spit on you. ---
**Author:** ![JoThrive](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/j/87869e/32.png) [@JoThrive](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/JoThrive)\ **Post date:** [September 6, 2011, 2:01pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/no-you-cant-get-to-heaven-no-you-cant-get-to-heaven/595127/37 "2011-09-06T14:01:08Z")
If you get to heaven, before I do - Just tell the Lord, I’m coming too. ---
**Author:** ![Rocketeer](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/rocketeer/32/4437_2.png) [@Rocketeer](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Rocketeer)\ **Post date:** [September 6, 2011, 4:24pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/no-you-cant-get-to-heaven-no-you-cant-get-to-heaven/595127/38 "2011-09-06T16:24:18Z")
My mother, gone six years now, taught me this verse: Oh, you can’t get to heaven in an old Ford car… 'Cuz the darned old thing won’t run that far! ---
**Author:** ![Zsofia](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/z/7bcc69/32.png) [@Zsofia](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Zsofia)\ **Post date:** [September 6, 2011, 6:38pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/no-you-cant-get-to-heaven-no-you-cant-get-to-heaven/595127/39 "2011-09-06T18:38:07Z")
Well, look’a here, Huck, if you wanna get to heaven I’ll tell you right now, you better learn to read and you better read your Bible 'cause you’ll never get to Heaven if you don’t know how! I’ve also been told that if you want to get to heaven you have to raise a little hell, but I don’t know about that one. ---
**Author:** ![JoThrive](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/j/87869e/32.png) [@JoThrive](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/JoThrive)\ **Post date:** [September 6, 2011, 6:47pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/no-you-cant-get-to-heaven-no-you-cant-get-to-heaven/595127/40 "2011-09-06T18:47:50Z")
Oh, you can’t get to heaven with powder and paint 'Cause the Lord don’t want you as you ain’t. [Previous page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/no-you-cant-get-to-heaven-no-you-cant-get-to-heaven/595127.md?page=1) [Next page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/no-you-cant-get-to-heaven-no-you-cant-get-to-heaven/595127.md?page=3)