# No, YOU fucking think about it. **URL:** \ **Category:** The BBQ Pit\ **Created:** [August 26, 2005, 3:12am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/no-you-fucking-think-about-it/318678 "2005-08-26T03:12:52Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 11\ **Page:** 3
**Author:** ![Cat\_Whisperer](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/cat_whisperer/32/4839_2.png) [@Cat\_Whisperer](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Cat_Whisperer)\ **Post date:** [August 27, 2005, 7:21pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/no-you-fucking-think-about-it/318678/41 "2005-08-27T19:21:25Z")
> [@black455](#): > > \Still, until Thursday night, I never really occured to me that leaving her is an option that’s actually on the table. I’d always thought when push came to shove, it would be _me_ who completely fucked things up, and not my poor, sainted wife. Sorry - she’s no saint. I’m sure you’re not, either. 🙂 > [@](#): > > \Anyway, I think my balls are finally descending from my abdomen. I’m going to do what _I_ can to make sure that we never have another day like Thursday, but if she doesn’t do her part, too, I know that I can make it stop. Good for you! Boundaries, baby, boundaries. Everybody has the right to stand up for themselves, regardless of the situation. I’m still working on this, too. > [@](#): > > Frankly, this being the Pit and all, I’m a little disappointed that nobody called me a giant flaming asshole who deserves all the misery in the universe, but I think I can live with it. > \ You don’t sound like an asshole to me. You sound like a loving, caring husband who would like nothing better than for his wife to be happy. ---
**Author:** ![GaWd](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/g/f08c70/32.png) [@GaWd](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/GaWd)\ **Post date:** [August 27, 2005, 7:22pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/no-you-fucking-think-about-it/318678/42 "2005-08-27T19:22:16Z")
Err…wife. Sorry. And your last post really sounds like my wife who can sometimes exhibit BPD-like behavior-with and without depression. The nastiness, and the hurtfullness, and the irrationality are so unlike their real personalities. Sam ---
**Author:** ![black\_rabbit](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/b/f19dbf/32.png) [@black\_rabbit](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/black_rabbit)\ **Post date:** [August 27, 2005, 7:39pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/no-you-fucking-think-about-it/318678/43 "2005-08-27T19:39:04Z")
> [@GaWd](#): > > Like others have said, you may not want advice, but from your writing, I found a link that you may want to explore-BPD. YOur girlfriend might have something like a personality disporder, and not just straight depression. THe Abandonment issue is a HUGE one with BPD people. > > [http://tearsandhealing.com/borderline-personality-disorder.htm?referrer=yah-notcrzy-get-learnstop](http://tearsandhealing.com/borderline-personality-disorder.htm?referrer=yah-notcrzy-get-learnstop) > [http://www.bpdcentral.com/resources/basics/main.shtml](http://www.bpdcentral.com/resources/basics/main.shtml) > > Best of luck to you. > > Sam Holy shit. You know, BPD has been mentioned once or twice in the past, but in our discussions, we’ve really only focused on her depression. Well, her depression, and my complete bastadry. I’ve never really looked in to it that deeply, but the descriptions in those sites are really starting the gears turning. I’m going to have to go to the library. Thanks, man. ---
**Author:** ![SnakesCatLady](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/4af34b/32.png) [@SnakesCatLady](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/SnakesCatLady)\ **Post date:** [August 27, 2005, 7:44pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/no-you-fucking-think-about-it/318678/44 "2005-08-27T19:44:08Z")
I know your plate is really full right now, but you might consider some couples counseling. I’m kinda suprised her shrink hasn’t suggested it. ---
**Author:** ![Zoe](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/z/a4c791/32.png) [@Zoe](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Zoe)\ **Post date:** [August 27, 2005, 9:48pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/no-you-fucking-think-about-it/318678/45 "2005-08-27T21:48:25Z")
Not only are you not responsible for her feelings, she is not in control of your feelings. You have more choice about what you feel than you might think. (It does take practice!) Could you get your wife’s permission to discuss her illness privately with her shrink? That way you could raise the issue of Borderline Personality Disorder. It would be a good thing to find out why she still seems so unstable despite her therapy and to make sure that the therapist knows about her recent behavior. (You probably don’t need permission to actually _give_ information to the therapist.) If this is part of her diagnosis, there are books on living with someone with this disorder. And there are also books that teach you how to set boundaries in your own life. Above all, you have responsibilities to yourself. You have a right to be treated fairly. (I say this to you as a woman who has been treated for depression for over forty years.) **Miller** , Og love you – you are funny and bright, but you don’t seem to understand shit about the basics of depression and how the brain is affected. It is not a matter of self-control. The illness should not be confused with its symptoms which _appear_ to be controllable. ---
**Author:** ![mischievous](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/c2a13f/32.png) [@mischievous](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/mischievous)\ **Post date:** [August 27, 2005, 10:05pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/no-you-fucking-think-about-it/318678/46 "2005-08-27T22:05:52Z")
Not to shit on you, **black455** , because I think that you’re trying to do the right thing, but this line set off all kinds of alarm bells for me. > [@black455](#): > > I’ve got a history of telling pointless little lies to avoid conflict… I had a boyfriend who did that, and when your partner repeatedly lies to you to get out of even a minor tiff, it’s very easy to believe (rightly or wrongly) that he will lie to you to get out of a seriously messy fight. I remember more or less the exact situation you described with the ring - I accused him of something he had not done, and when I found out that he had not in fact done it, I said that it was his fault for making me not trust him. **And it was true**. I’m not saying this because I think that you’re a bad person. It sounds like you (like this boyfriend) lie about minor things but wouldn’t dream of a true betrayal. I’m just hoping to maybe give some insight into your wife’s thought process. Trust is a hard, hard thing to reestablish once it’s been lost. What I would recommend is that you make a consious effort to face up to unpleasantness and fight it out like gentlemen rather than avoid fights with white lies or by repressing anger. It may feel confrontational for a while, but in the long run it’s healthier for both of you. Not only will it stop her from taking advantage of you, but it the long run it will probably increase trust and communication between you two. FWIW, my boyfriend and I were able to reestablish a trusting relationship, and he no longer lies to me and I no longer run roughshod over him. We’ve been together 14 years. mischievous ---
**Author:** ![GaWd](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/g/f08c70/32.png) [@GaWd](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/GaWd)\ **Post date:** [August 27, 2005, 10:17pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/no-you-fucking-think-about-it/318678/47 "2005-08-27T22:17:31Z")
Oh, and take my advice about the BPD thing: 1- talk it over with your shrink. 2- don’t broach the subject with her, especially in the middle of an attack 3- maybe mention something to her shrink, or, when she’s lucid, see if she’s willing to undergo the testing to determine whether or not it is indeed BPD-that way she can be treated properly 4- talk it over with your shrink 5- pick up the books recommended at [bpdcentral.com](http://bpdcentral.com) if you feel this warrants some sort of attention, it can be very eye-opening Sam ---
**Author:** ![Mollie\_Magill](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/mollie_magill/32/20882_2.png) [@Mollie\_Magill](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Mollie_Magill)\ **Post date:** [August 29, 2005, 1:52pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/no-you-fucking-think-about-it/318678/48 "2005-08-29T13:52:56Z")
> [@black455](#): > > Maybe it’s because I was raised Catholic and she wasn’t. On a mostly unrelated point. I knew it was time for my first marriage to end when my best friend, who’s Catholic, told me I should get a divorce. He’s now Fang’s god-father. > [@](#): > > Anyway, I think my balls are finally descending from my abdomen. I’m going to do what _I_ can to make sure that we never have another day like Thursday, but if she doesn’t do her part, too, I know that I can make it stop. Good for you. Just don’t allow yourself to be a punching bag. > [@](#): > > Frankly, this being the Pit and all, I’m a little disappointed that nobody called me a giant flaming asshole who deserves all the misery in the universe, but I think I can live with it. I could say it, but I won’t mean it. > [@](#): > > Thanks, everybody. You’ve been a big help. I do have to admit that I’m a bit disappointed you didn’t go through with it, mostly because I recognized my first marriage in what you wrote. I knew the absolute misery that you expressed. I also knew it got much, much worse after I left. However, it quickly got much, much better. One funny thing was that after I got out, I realized how much I hated my job. I only spent so much time there ---
**Author:** ![Miller](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/miller/32/481_2.png) [@Miller](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Miller)\ **Post date:** [August 29, 2005, 4:02pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/no-you-fucking-think-about-it/318678/49 "2005-08-29T16:02:08Z")
> [@Zoe](#): > > **Miller** , Og love you – you are funny and bright, but you don’t seem to understand shit about the basics of depression and how the brain is affected. It is not a matter of self-control. The illness should not be confused with its symptoms which _appear_ to be controllable. I lost the better part of my twenties to depression, so I think I’ve got a pretty good handle on it, thanks. ---
**Author:** ![The\_Weird\_One](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/t/7bcc69/32.png) [@The\_Weird\_One](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/The_Weird_One)\ **Post date:** [August 29, 2005, 5:59pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/no-you-fucking-think-about-it/318678/50 "2005-08-29T17:59:45Z")
> [@black455](#): > > For my part (please, nobody hit me), I agreed to make more active affirmations of my commitment to our relationship. I can see how this is a problem; since I’m the one working, doing most of the chores, going to school, and taking care of the things that she can’t “handle,” I _do_ tend to get irrationally irritated when I start feeling that she’s deliberately not making any tangible contributions. Though I say “I love you” a dozen times a day, I don’t often let her know how impressed I am with her intelligence, empathy, insight, kindness, and sense of humor. She needs those intangibles, and while it’s not fair to hitch your entire sense of self-worth to them, it _is_ fair to expect them from the partner who states that he intends to spend the rest of his life with you. Don’t worry, I won’t hit you, but I do want to point out that IMO your irritation doesn’t sound at all “irrational.” The fact that her illness prevents her from helping out more doesn’t mean that you’re not allowed to get frustrated at always picking up the slack. She should be letting you know how much she appreciates your support and your hard work as much as you tell her that you appreciate her. ---
**Author:** ![smiling\_bandit](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/e9a140/32.png) [@smiling\_bandit](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/smiling_bandit)\ **Post date:** [August 29, 2005, 7:01pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/no-you-fucking-think-about-it/318678/51 "2005-08-29T19:01:56Z")
> [@](#): > > Maybe it’s because I was raised Catholic and she wasn’t. You _can_ get a legal divorce, which is not the same as a religious divorce. Of course, from what you decribed, an annullment may be possible, if you got married in the church. If not, you were never married according to the church anyway. [Previous page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/no-you-fucking-think-about-it/318678.md?page=2)