# Nobody's walking out on this fun, old-fashioned family Christmas! **URL:** \ **Category:** Cafe Society\ **Created:** [December 10, 2011, 1:35pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/nobodys-walking-out-on-this-fun-old-fashioned-family-christmas/605728 "2011-12-10T13:35:45Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 20\ **Page:** 2
**Author:** ![SykoSkotty](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/c0e974/32.png) [@SykoSkotty](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/SykoSkotty)\ **Post date:** [December 11, 2011, 2:15pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/nobodys-walking-out-on-this-fun-old-fashioned-family-christmas/605728/21 "2011-12-11T14:15:50Z")
Tis the season to be Merry. That’s my name. No shit. ---
**Author:** ![Chefguy](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/chefguy/32/138_2.png) [@Chefguy](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Chefguy)\ **Post date:** [December 11, 2011, 4:26pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/nobodys-walking-out-on-this-fun-old-fashioned-family-christmas/605728/22 "2011-12-11T16:26:51Z")
He’s shittin’ bricks. You really shouldn’t say that. Sorry: shittin’ rocks. ---
**Author:** ![joebuck20](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/j/74df32/32.png) [@joebuck20](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/joebuck20)\ **Post date:** [December 11, 2011, 4:46pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/nobodys-walking-out-on-this-fun-old-fashioned-family-christmas/605728/23 "2011-12-11T16:46:24Z")
> [@CWN](#): > > Hey! If any of you are looking for any last-minute gift ideas for me, I have one. I’d like Frank Shirley, my boss, right here tonight. I want him brought from his happy holiday slumber over there on Melody Lane with all the other rich people and I want him brought right here, with a big ribbon on his head, and I want to look him straight in the eye and I want to tell him what a cheap, lying, no-good, rotten, four-flushing, low-life, snake-licking, dirt-eating, inbred, overstuffed, ignorant, blood-sucking, dog-kissing, brainless, dickless, hopeless, heartless, fat-ass, bug-eyed, stiff-legged, spotty-lipped, worm-headed sack of monkey shit he is! Hallelujah! Holy shit! Where’s the Tylenol? The thing I love most about that scene (aside from the epic rant itself, of course) is Ellen’s reaction as he’s looking at his “bonus.” At first she’s all smiley asking if the bonus was bigger than he expected. Then she quietly asks if it’s smaller. When he finally reveals that it’s a jelly-of-the-month club membership, the look of dread that comes over her face is priceless. She knows that Clark is about to lose it, and that it ain’t gonna be pretty. ---
**Author:** ![Tangent](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/tangent/32/3098_2.png) [@Tangent](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Tangent)\ **Post date:** [December 11, 2011, 5:57pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/nobodys-walking-out-on-this-fun-old-fashioned-family-christmas/605728/24 "2011-12-11T17:57:43Z")
Hey Grizz, Bethany and I figured out the perfect gift for you. Aw, you didn’t have to get me anything. Dammit, Bethany, he guessed it. ---
**Author:** ![elfkin477](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/e/a9a28c/32.png) [@elfkin477](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/elfkin477)\ **Post date:** [December 11, 2011, 7:50pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/nobodys-walking-out-on-this-fun-old-fashioned-family-christmas/605728/25 "2011-12-11T19:50:24Z")
I simply solved the problem. We needed a coffin… Er, a tree. There are no lots open on Christmas Eve. Lewis burned down my tree so I replaced it as best I could. Voilà. ---
**Author:** ![SykoSkotty](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/c0e974/32.png) [@SykoSkotty](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/SykoSkotty)\ **Post date:** [December 11, 2011, 8:02pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/nobodys-walking-out-on-this-fun-old-fashioned-family-christmas/605728/26 "2011-12-11T20:02:24Z")
Griswold, what’re you gonna do with a tree that size? Bend over and I’ll show ya… (with his wife standing next to him) You can’t talk to me that way. I wasn’t talking to you… ---
**Author:** ![Proudest\_Monkey](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/proudest_monkey/32/13257_2.png) [@Proudest\_Monkey](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Proudest_Monkey)\ **Post date:** [December 12, 2011, 12:47am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/nobodys-walking-out-on-this-fun-old-fashioned-family-christmas/605728/27 "2011-12-12T00:47:04Z")
Eddie. Eddie? EDDIE?!?! ---
**Author:** ![Guinastasia](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/guinastasia/32/5751_2.png) [@Guinastasia](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Guinastasia)\ **Post date:** [December 12, 2011, 1:07am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/nobodys-walking-out-on-this-fun-old-fashioned-family-christmas/605728/28 "2011-12-12T01:07:21Z")
Save the neck for me, Clark. Aunt Bethany, does your cat like jello? Oh, the silent majesty of a winter’s morn… the clean, cool chill of the holiday air… and an asshole in his bathrobe, emptying a chemical toilet into my sewer… Ah, yeah. You checked our shitters, honey? ---
**Author:** ![Yorikke](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/yorikke/32/4335_2.png) [@Yorikke](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Yorikke)\ **Post date:** [December 12, 2011, 3:01am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/nobodys-walking-out-on-this-fun-old-fashioned-family-christmas/605728/29 "2011-12-12T03:01:08Z")
> [@interface2x](#): > > I don’t know, _Margot_. Oh my god, I say this all the time… Joe ---
**Author:** ![yellowval](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/y/919ad9/32.png) [@yellowval](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/yellowval)\ **Post date:** [December 12, 2011, 3:08am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/nobodys-walking-out-on-this-fun-old-fashioned-family-christmas/605728/30 "2011-12-12T03:08:53Z")
> [@Guinastasia](#): > > Aunt Bethany, does your cat like jello? I don’t know about the cat, but I sure am enjoying it. ---
**Author:** ![Spoons](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/spoons/32/3141_2.png) [@Spoons](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Spoons)\ **Post date:** [December 12, 2011, 3:19am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/nobodys-walking-out-on-this-fun-old-fashioned-family-christmas/605728/31 "2011-12-12T03:19:23Z")
“Play ball!” ---
**Author:** ![Kylede](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/k/a6a055/32.png) [@Kylede](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Kylede)\ **Post date:** [December 13, 2011, 3:03am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/nobodys-walking-out-on-this-fun-old-fashioned-family-christmas/605728/32 "2011-12-13T03:03:56Z")
> [@Chefguy](#): > > Every time Catherine turns on the microwave, I piss my pants and forget who I am for a half hour. Eddie - “So at the VA, they removed the plate and replace it with plastic, SO I really dont think I should be riding down that hil with nothing between my brain and the great outdoors but a piece of government plastic” Clarke - “Do you really think it matters” ---
**Author:** ![DCnDC](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/dcndc/32/2842_2.png) [@DCnDC](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/DCnDC)\ **Post date:** [December 13, 2011, 3:25pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/nobodys-walking-out-on-this-fun-old-fashioned-family-christmas/605728/33 "2011-12-13T15:25:46Z")
We need to check every bulb. Oop-- little knot here, you can work on that. ---
**Author:** ![kurtisokc](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/k/bbce88/32.png) [@kurtisokc](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/kurtisokc)\ **Post date:** [December 15, 2011, 6:37am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/nobodys-walking-out-on-this-fun-old-fashioned-family-christmas/605728/34 "2011-12-15T06:37:23Z")
> [@Chefguy](#): > > Do you have to sleep with your brother? Do you know how sick and twisted that is? I have nightmares about what he does in his room when I’m _not_ sleeping right next to him. I have to sleep with your father. Don’t be so dramatic! ---
**Author:** ![Barkis\_is\_Willin](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/b/a183cd/32.png) [@Barkis\_is\_Willin](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Barkis_is_Willin)\ **Post date:** [December 15, 2011, 2:02pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/nobodys-walking-out-on-this-fun-old-fashioned-family-christmas/605728/35 "2011-12-15T14:02:26Z")
Hey kids, I heard on the radio that an airline pilot spotted Santa’s sleigh on its way in from New York City. ---
**Author:** ![Tangent](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/tangent/32/3098_2.png) [@Tangent](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Tangent)\ **Post date:** [December 15, 2011, 2:57pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/nobodys-walking-out-on-this-fun-old-fashioned-family-christmas/605728/36 "2011-12-15T14:57:19Z")
You serious, Clark? ---
**Author:** ![DCnDC](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/dcndc/32/2842_2.png) [@DCnDC](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/DCnDC)\ **Post date:** [December 15, 2011, 3:01pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/nobodys-walking-out-on-this-fun-old-fashioned-family-christmas/605728/37 "2011-12-15T15:01:44Z")
Merry Christmas, merry Christmas, merry Christmas, merry Christmas, kiss my ass, kiss his ass, kiss your ass, happy Hanukkah. ---
**Author:** ![bouv](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/b/bc8723/32.png) [@bouv](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/bouv)\ **Post date:** [December 15, 2011, 4:14pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/nobodys-walking-out-on-this-fun-old-fashioned-family-christmas/605728/38 "2011-12-15T16:14:02Z")
Not to interrupt this fun, old-fashioned family [del]Christmas[/del] quote-fest, but I was always annoyed when Clark was putting up his lights, because he _staples them directly to the shingles!!!_ Do you have any idea how much his roof will leak?! Hell, due to the cold, several of the shingles would have shattered from those staples going in…that’s going to be like $20,000 to replace all of them! ---
**Author:** ![jk1245](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/j/49beb7/32.png) [@jk1245](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/jk1245)\ **Post date:** [December 15, 2011, 4:26pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/nobodys-walking-out-on-this-fun-old-fashioned-family-christmas/605728/39 "2011-12-15T16:26:00Z")
That there’s an RV. I borrowed it from a buddy of mine. He took my house. It’s a nice looking vehicle, right? Yes. And it looks so nice sitting in my driveway. Don’t you go fallin’ in love with it. We’re takin’ it with us when we leave here next month. [gag] ---
**Author:** ![Mooch](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/7bcc69/32.png) [@Mooch](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Mooch)\ **Post date:** [December 15, 2011, 5:18pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/nobodys-walking-out-on-this-fun-old-fashioned-family-christmas/605728/40 "2011-12-15T17:18:09Z")
Clark I want you to get yourself something _chick chick_ real niiice. (adjusts crotch) [Previous page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/nobodys-walking-out-on-this-fun-old-fashioned-family-christmas/605728.md?page=1) [Next page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/nobodys-walking-out-on-this-fun-old-fashioned-family-christmas/605728.md?page=3)