# Non-Father must continue child support **URL:** \ **Category:** Great Debates\ **Created:** [January 8, 2009, 6:04am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/non-father-must-continue-child-support/480342 "2009-01-08T06:04:31Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 20\ **Page:** 2
**Author:** ![Pushkin](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/p/ee59a6/32.png) [@Pushkin](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Pushkin)\ **Post date:** [January 8, 2009, 1:14pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/non-father-must-continue-child-support/480342/21 "2009-01-08T13:14:13Z")
> [@Lanzy](#): > > > [@Diogenes\_the\_Cynic](#): > > > > How does this guy live with himself? How unfeeling can a guy be? > > I have asked this question of my brother. He just went through this, not twins but 2 kids. One of them turned out not to be his. He completely disowned the kid after raising him for 13 years. Told the kid to his face he is not his and he will not care for him anymore, ever. It does boggle. Well, two real life examples of men feeling that way and living with themselves, YMMV I guess. FWIW though, I tried a mind game where I was in the same position, I couldn’t imagine dumping my daughter if I found she wasn’t mine, time and prescence create some pretty strong emotional ties. > [@astro](#): > > Living in the real world world for just a sec do you have any idea how this would come off to a faithful, loving wife? Even if your wife didn’t know, wouldn’t it affect you to some degree to know you harboured such suspicions and then acted upon them only to find they were quite without merit. ---
**Author:** ![manila](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/e5b9ba/32.png) [@manila](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/manila)\ **Post date:** [January 8, 2009, 1:16pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/non-father-must-continue-child-support/480342/22 "2009-01-08T13:16:40Z")
A Bit anecdotal but here we go… kinda happened to me too. Some years after my divorce I found out that my daughter was not my biological daughter. Now at that time she thought I was her daddy as did I. My ex wife was living with her new husband who didn’t want anything to do with our children, my sister (love her to bits) was looking after all my kids, and I was paying the child support to her. I figured that nothing had changed as far as my relationship with my children had occurred. She was still a lovely little girl who needed a family with her brothers and although her dad needed to work away to support us all at least my sister was there to look after her. After living with these kids for so long I think their needs outweigh any idea of fiscal justice. I have a beautiful daughter who has presented me with grandchildren. She knows all about our ‘biological’ history Doesn’t seem to matter to either of us or the grandkids. ---
**Author:** ![Diogenes\_the\_Cynic](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/d/e99b99/32.png) [@Diogenes\_the\_Cynic](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Diogenes_the_Cynic)\ **Post date:** [January 8, 2009, 3:16pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/non-father-must-continue-child-support/480342/23 "2009-01-08T15:16:49Z")
> [@brazil84](#): > > It’s like what Ronald Reagan supposedly said: “Trust, but verify” I can’t go along with this. If you don’t feel 100% trust in your spouse, then you shouldn’t be married. ---
**Author:** ![Diogenes\_the\_Cynic](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/d/e99b99/32.png) [@Diogenes\_the\_Cynic](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Diogenes_the_Cynic)\ **Post date:** [January 8, 2009, 3:18pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/non-father-must-continue-child-support/480342/24 "2009-01-08T15:18:28Z")
> [@Lanzy](#): > > I have asked this question of my brother. He just went through this, not twins but 2 kids. One of them turned out not to be his. He completely disowned the kid after raising him for 13 years. Told the kid to his face he is not his and he will not care for him anymore, ever. It does boggle. Jesus, that poor kid. Did your brother not love the kid ever? Did he feel nothing about hurting him that way? Is he generally an asshole in other ways? ---
**Author:** ![WF\_Tomba](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/w/d9b06d/32.png) [@WF\_Tomba](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/WF_Tomba)\ **Post date:** [January 8, 2009, 3:41pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/non-father-must-continue-child-support/480342/25 "2009-01-08T15:41:27Z")
**Der Trihs** , I don’t think the lesson in this case is that a man should always be suspicious of his children’s paternity even if there’s no reason to believe they aren’t his (especially since in this case the man claims to have known that his wife had an affair). Why would a new father who _doesn’t_ suspect his wife of infidelity feel it necessary to protect himself against the possibility that the children aren’t his? In other words, if you think it’s possible that in the future you may be forced to pay child support for children not your own, then obviously you must consider it a reasonable possibility that the children aren’t your own. And in that case, you would be wise to get a paternity test anyway regardless of the law. The only man threatened by this ruling is the man who suspects but does nothing about it. Edit: Also, if child support was part of the divorce settlement, then legally it isn’t dependent on paternity anyway. ---
**Author:** ![Hamlet](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/hamlet/32/2818_2.png) [@Hamlet](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Hamlet)\ **Post date:** [January 8, 2009, 3:46pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/non-father-must-continue-child-support/480342/26 "2009-01-08T15:46:20Z")
> [@Aspidistra](#): > > They’re his kids. They’re just not his _biological_ kids. He was living in the same house with them, acting as their dad, for six years, and he’s continued to maintain them and have visitation with them as their dad for ten more years after that. > > Seems like an open and shut case, really. > > (deliberately not commenting on whether or not the ex-wife is being a dick for trying to reduce his access to his kids, and whether this is contributing to his wish to disown them - not enough info for meaningful input) I agree completely. Child support is about providing for the children. It has nothing to do with whether or not your wife is a horrible person or if she cheated on you. The kids were his for years, and the fact that they have a different genetic makeup means nothing. ---
**Author:** ![brazil84](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/b/8491ac/32.png) [@brazil84](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/brazil84)\ **Post date:** [January 8, 2009, 3:50pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/non-father-must-continue-child-support/480342/27 "2009-01-08T15:50:14Z")
> [@Diogenes\_the\_Cynic](#): > > I can’t go along with this. If you don’t feel 100% trust in your spouse, then you shouldn’t be married. I disagree, but anyway, my point stands: If the objection is that a paternity test will be offensive to the wife, then there is a simple solution, which is to have the test done without her knowledge. ---
**Author:** ![manila](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/e5b9ba/32.png) [@manila](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/manila)\ **Post date:** [January 8, 2009, 3:51pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/non-father-must-continue-child-support/480342/28 "2009-01-08T15:51:09Z")
> [@Lanzy](#): > > I have asked this question of my brother. He just went through this, not twins but 2 kids. One of them turned out not to be his. He completely disowned the kid after raising him for 13 years. Told the kid to his face he is not his and he will not care for him anymore, ever. It does boggle. wow that is just the saddest terrible thing I have heard here. poor young dude. just entering his teens and desperately needs a dad’s influence and… wow wtf. hopefully, hopefully maybe your bro is just a bit screwed up about the divorce and will realise that his young boy is still, still the same little guy that he lived with and raised. Any dickhead can father a child. But being a father to a child is a bit different. work on your brother ---
**Author:** ![Diogenes\_the\_Cynic](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/d/e99b99/32.png) [@Diogenes\_the\_Cynic](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Diogenes_the_Cynic)\ **Post date:** [January 8, 2009, 3:51pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/non-father-must-continue-child-support/480342/29 "2009-01-08T15:51:58Z")
> [@brazil84](#): > > I can’t go along with this. If you don’t feel 100% trust in your spouse, then you shouldn’t be married. > I disagree, but anyway, my point stands: If the objection is that a paternity test will be offensive to the wife, then there is a simple solution, which is to have the test done without her knowledge. Some of us don’t have a shred of doubt. If my wife told me the sky was green and grass was blue, I’d make an appointment to see what was wrong with my eyes. She’s never given me any reason to mistrust her in almost 20 years. ---
**Author:** ![Whack-a-Mole](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/whack-a-mole/32/141_2.png) [@Whack-a-Mole](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Whack-a-Mole)\ **Post date:** [January 8, 2009, 3:52pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/non-father-must-continue-child-support/480342/30 "2009-01-08T15:52:31Z")
Ok, I’ll bring up the probably un-PC thing here. Where are the woman’s obligations in all this? I can appreciate the point of the children not suffering for their parent’s decisions and can see why the man in the OP must continue paying child support. Nevertheless what about the marriage contract they had? What about her betrayal (and sorry, not buying the “no memory” of the affair bit at all)? When you get married you take vows. The woman (in this case…certainly men break them too) violated those vows, betrayed her husband’s trust then perpetrated a scam on him to pay for the results of her decisions. So, the man is left holding the bill for someone else’s decisions. Shouldn’t there be some penalty to the woman for doing all this? As noted above maybe making her liable to repay all that child support once the children are 18 (or out of college)? Seems bogus to let her skip off with a la-de-da and a wave goodbye. ---
**Author:** ![brazil84](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/b/8491ac/32.png) [@brazil84](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/brazil84)\ **Post date:** [January 8, 2009, 3:56pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/non-father-must-continue-child-support/480342/31 "2009-01-08T15:56:36Z")
> [@Diogenes\_the\_Cynic](#): > > Some of us don’t have a shred of doubt. And some people don’t have a shred of doubt that they will get 50 virgins in the afterlife. So what? ---
**Author:** ![Freudian\_Slit](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/f/5daacb/32.png) [@Freudian\_Slit](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Freudian_Slit)\ **Post date:** [January 8, 2009, 3:57pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/non-father-must-continue-child-support/480342/32 "2009-01-08T15:57:47Z")
> [@Whack-a-Mole](#): > > So, the man is left holding the bill for someone else’s decisions. Shouldn’t there be some penalty to the woman for doing all this? As noted above maybe making her liable to repay all that child support once the children are 18 (or out of college)? > > Seems bogus to let her skip off with a la-de-da and a wave goodbye. If the man never had sex with her during the time the kid would’ve been conceived, then most likely he’d be suspicious of her, though, right? And if he was having sex, then weren’t his actions just as likely to contribute to a pregnancy? That is, he had the intent, even though it just wasn’t his sperm, it was someone else’s. By having sex with her and raising the kids, he was making a decision in a sense. ---
**Author:** ![Roulette](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/r/8dc957/32.png) [@Roulette](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Roulette)\ **Post date:** [January 8, 2009, 4:14pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/non-father-must-continue-child-support/480342/33 "2009-01-08T16:14:11Z")
The man is boned. There is a ton of previous cases where the non-father has had to continue child support for children after the fact. The state believes the welfare of the children is more important the the legal rights of the father. It’s not a great rule, but it’s one I understand. I’m not sure my reaction. I’d never speak to the wife again. My wife understands that about me now. I’ve told her that if she ever cheats, just once, we’re getting divorced. No counseling, no working it out. Just lawyers and paperwork. Prenup sets most of it out already. As for the kids, my check would come from my attorney, and that’s it. I’m pretty sure I’d never see or speak to them either. Tougher to say for sure. I don’t think I could look at them and not be disgusted. Seems cold, but I know that I’m a cold person. ---
**Author:** ![Whack-a-Mole](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/whack-a-mole/32/141_2.png) [@Whack-a-Mole](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Whack-a-Mole)\ **Post date:** [January 8, 2009, 4:16pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/non-father-must-continue-child-support/480342/34 "2009-01-08T16:16:32Z")
> [@Freudian\_Slit](#): > > If the man never had sex with her during the time the kid would’ve been conceived, then most likely he’d be suspicious of her, though, right? And if he was having sex, then weren’t his actions just as likely to contribute to a pregnancy? That is, he had the intent, even though it just wasn’t his sperm, it was someone else’s. By having sex with her and raising the kids, he was making a decision in a sense. Huh? Assuming he wanted to get her pregnant then HE wanted to get her pregnant. I seriously doubt he wanted her to get pregnant by some other dude. Whether the husband wanted children or not is beside the point. It changes nothing regarding her betrayal. ---
**Author:** ![WF\_Tomba](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/w/d9b06d/32.png) [@WF\_Tomba](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/WF_Tomba)\ **Post date:** [January 8, 2009, 4:18pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/non-father-must-continue-child-support/480342/35 "2009-01-08T16:18:52Z")
I agree that it would be better if the woman were penalized somehow. Maybe he can find some sort of grounds to sue her. ---
**Author:** ![davidw](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/d/c4cdca/32.png) [@davidw](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/davidw)\ **Post date:** [January 8, 2009, 4:20pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/non-father-must-continue-child-support/480342/36 "2009-01-08T16:20:32Z")
> [@Euphonious\_Polemic](#): > > A man divorced his wife 6 years after the birth of their twin sons. He pays child support and has some visitation rights. 10 years later, she takes him to family court to get the payments increased and to reduce his access time. > > He (having always had suspicions), gets a DNA test, and finds that the twins are not his biological children. > > _(snip)_ > > The judgement of the court? He must continue to pay child support, for the children that are not his own. Did she succeed in getting the child support payments increased? ---
**Author:** ![Steve\_MB](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/steve_mb/32/5339_2.png) [@Steve\_MB](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Steve_MB)\ **Post date:** [January 8, 2009, 4:27pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/non-father-must-continue-child-support/480342/37 "2009-01-08T16:27:17Z")
> [@Freudian\_Slit](#): > > But I can sort of see why they might want the father to keep paying. Is parenthood/fatherhood just about genetics, or is it more than that? She already declared that she doesn’t give a crap about the “more than that” by asking to reduce his access time. That being the case, I’d rule that he owes nothing. ---
**Author:** ![Cheesesteak](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/cheesesteak/32/3694_2.png) [@Cheesesteak](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Cheesesteak)\ **Post date:** [January 8, 2009, 4:29pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/non-father-must-continue-child-support/480342/38 "2009-01-08T16:29:13Z")
> [@WF\_Tomba](#): > > I agree that it would be better if the woman were penalized somehow. Maybe he can find some sort of grounds to sue her. How about, once the kids are adults, the woman pays back the non-father for all the child support he sent? Set up a reasonable payment plan, like they do with men who pay child support, and let her wages be garnished until it’s all paid back. The kids are adults, we don’t have to worry about their welfare anymore, it’s now about two people, one of whom cheated the other out of googads of money. ---
**Author:** ![Freudian\_Slit](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/f/5daacb/32.png) [@Freudian\_Slit](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Freudian_Slit)\ **Post date:** [January 8, 2009, 4:29pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/non-father-must-continue-child-support/480342/39 "2009-01-08T16:29:28Z")
> [@Whack-a-Mole](#): > > Huh? > > Assuming he wanted to get her pregnant then HE wanted to get her pregnant. I seriously doubt he wanted her to get pregnant by some other dude. > > Whether the husband wanted children or not is beside the point. It changes nothing regarding her betrayal. Well, I mean just look at two scenarios. In scenario one, Man A has sex with the woman (his wife). Around the same time, she sleeps with Man B. In the first scenario, she gets pregnant and the child is Man A’s. Scenario 2, she sleeps with both men around the same time and conceives a child by Man B. The first guy’s actions are exactly the same–he had sex with his wife. By chance he just happens not to be biologically the father in the second scenario. But if he’s had sex with her and then raised the kids as though they were his own, the only thing that makes things different is someone telling him that the kids weren’t produced by his genetic material. ---
**Author:** ![DianaG](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/d/7ab992/32.png) [@DianaG](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/DianaG)\ **Post date:** [January 8, 2009, 4:30pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/non-father-must-continue-child-support/480342/40 "2009-01-08T16:30:49Z")
> [@Roulette](#): > > As for the kids, my check would come from my attorney, and that’s it. I’m pretty sure I’d never see or speak to them either. Tougher to say for sure. I don’t think I could look at them and not be disgusted. Seems cold, but I know that I’m a cold person. Are these hypothetical children, or are you applying a hypothetical situation to your existing children? Legally, you sign a kid’s birth certificate, you are that kid’s parent. Sometimes shit like this will happen. I suppose we could all assume the worst and secretly have our kids tested at birth, but that’s not a world I really want to live in. [Previous page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/non-father-must-continue-child-support/480342.md?page=1) [Next page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/non-father-must-continue-child-support/480342.md?page=3)