# Non-Parent Dopers: What Advice Do You Have for Parents? **URL:** \ **Category:** In My Humble Opinion\ **Created:** [October 22, 2013, 2:48am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/non-parent-dopers-what-advice-do-you-have-for-parents/671902 "2013-10-22T02:48:20Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 20\ **Page:** 2
**Author:** ![you\_with\_the\_face](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/y/ecccb3/32.png) [@you\_with\_the\_face](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/you_with_the_face)\ **Post date:** [October 22, 2013, 2:31pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/non-parent-dopers-what-advice-do-you-have-for-parents/671902/21 "2013-10-22T14:31:12Z")
Do not expect non-parents to understand the excuses/explanations you make for not disciplining your kids. Especially when these non-parents were themselves raised by parents who would’ve never made the kind of excuses/explanations you’re making. It’s no-win discussion. Even if you have legitimate reasons for not saying “no” or scolding your kids when they act obnoxiously, it is gonna be hard for the childless to relate. So try not to get mad when they offer up advice that to them is obvious but to you may seem unfair or unreasonable. Perhaps they are looking at the situation with more objective eyes than you are. ---
**Author:** ![MeanOldLady](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/meanoldlady/32/10737_2.png) [@MeanOldLady](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/MeanOldLady)\ **Post date:** [October 22, 2013, 2:34pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/non-parent-dopers-what-advice-do-you-have-for-parents/671902/22 "2013-10-22T14:34:51Z")
> [@Leaffan](#): > > I’m sorry. I will not take advice from non-parents. > > You have no idea. You really don’t. > > You’re not qualified to give advice. As a grown ass woman, I think I’m qualified to tell parents to stop nagging their adult children because it accomplishes nothing and is annoying as fuck. And also, I don’t really care how people raise their children. What’d be tops, though, if folks with kiddos would realize the rest of us don’t have children for a reason. Keep it down over there; this isn’t Chuck E Cheese. Also, when I’m president, no more babies in the office. How cruel is it to force people to interact with infants? They don’t even talk. So I guess you could put me in the “Enough with your goddamn ankle biters already!” camp. ---
**Author:** ![Athena](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/a/35a633/32.png) [@Athena](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Athena)\ **Post date:** [October 22, 2013, 2:34pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/non-parent-dopers-what-advice-do-you-have-for-parents/671902/23 "2013-10-22T14:34:59Z")
> [@Leaffan](#): > > I’m sorry. I will not take advice from non-parents. > > You have no idea. You really don’t. > > You’re not qualified to give advice. So nobody who hasn’t actually experienced something can have good ideas about the topic? Come on, that’s simply not true. There’s not ONE idea in this thread from a childless person that maybe some parents should take into account? I’m not buyin’ it. ---
**Author:** ![MeanOldLady](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/meanoldlady/32/10737_2.png) [@MeanOldLady](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/MeanOldLady)\ **Post date:** [October 22, 2013, 2:36pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/non-parent-dopers-what-advice-do-you-have-for-parents/671902/24 "2013-10-22T14:36:33Z")
> [@Athena](#): > > So nobody who hasn’t actually experienced something can have good ideas about the topic? Come on, that’s simply not true. There’s not ONE idea in this thread from a childless person that maybe some parents should take into account? I’m not buyin’ it. I say it’s not a good idea to drown your children. But I’m not a parent, so feel free to drown away! ---
**Author:** ![Macca26](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/13edae/32.png) [@Macca26](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Macca26)\ **Post date:** [October 22, 2013, 2:37pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/non-parent-dopers-what-advice-do-you-have-for-parents/671902/25 "2013-10-22T14:37:58Z")
Remember that your kids should be the most important thing in the world when you’re filing for divorce. So don’t use them as a pawn, completely ignore them, saddle them with your petty problems, take your issues out on them, etc etc. I’m not saying that you should stay together for the kids; just that they shouldn’t be part of your dispute. Possibly one of the worst things was hearing about a kid where the parents were fighting in court over who would get them - but in the sense that neither parent wanted the child. ---
**Author:** ![MsWhatsit](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/eb8c5e/32.png) [@MsWhatsit](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/MsWhatsit)\ **Post date:** [October 22, 2013, 2:39pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/non-parent-dopers-what-advice-do-you-have-for-parents/671902/26 "2013-10-22T14:39:35Z")
Actually, I kid, but **Athena** is right. Quoted are the parts of this thread that as an actual real-life parent, I agree with and think are good advice. (Most of everything else is just people bitching about other people’s parenting, which is fine, because that is our god-given right to do, as human beings.) > [@jsgoddess](#): > > Kids are cool. Enjoy them. Take some time for yourself when you can, too. > [@Superhal](#): > > You need a license to catch a fish and take a class to own a gun. There’s no reason you can’t educate yourself about parenting. > [@sandra\_nz](#): > > This, except I would say ‘make time for yourself, don’t wait for time to magically become available’. Your own mental health and the health of your relationship with your spouse are just as important as your kids. > [@Living\_Well\_Is\_Best\_Revenge](#): > > Tip well when you eat out with kids. > [@CLee](#): > > Even if you find kids tedious and annoying, we’re all better off when we help them learn to interact with the world. If you bump into a kid, say “excuse me” just as you would an adult. If an annoying toddler chirps “Hi!” greet him back. If they smile and wave or attempt to engage you in conversation, encourage it. We aren’t much of a tribe any longer, but socializing the little creatures goes a long way towards a more pleasant environment for all of us. We want them to be polite adults, and if they see strangers as hateful, unapproachable bad guys they aren’t going to extend much empathy towards your peaceful outing. > [@Lasciel](#): > > Let them make decisions and try new tasks on their own. Start small, and work up. Otherwise they’ll never learn to \*do \*anything, and they’ll never learn how to make decisions. > [@Soylent\_Juicy](#): > > Children are smarter than you give them credit for. Speak to them with respect and don’t bullshit them. If you consistantly say “Please”, “Thank you”, etc. to them they will automatically pick up the habit of having good manners toward others. > > Give them age-appropriate independence. Your job is to teach them how to function in society. Let them walk the few blocks to school alone or with a group of friends. > > Never lie to your children. > [@Sudden\_Kestrel](#): > > On a related note, if you and the other parent split, remember that your ex’s relatives are still important to your child. Your breakup does not sever your child’s connection to uncles, aunts, cousins and grandparents on that side, and s/he will someday want to know the history of that family too. ---
**Author:** ![Leaffan](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/leaffan/32/299_2.png) [@Leaffan](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Leaffan)\ **Post date:** [October 22, 2013, 2:41pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/non-parent-dopers-what-advice-do-you-have-for-parents/671902/27 "2013-10-22T14:41:22Z")
Yeah, but presenting yourselves as a bunch of sanctimonious, finger-wagging know-it-alls gets really old. Most of us, the vast majority of us, as parents, don’t need Chinese cookie advice from inexperienced amateurs. Being a parent is one of the most difficult, and one of the most rewarding things imaginable. Go back to tending your kittens and pretend you know what it’s all about. ---
**Author:** ![CrazyCatLady](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/c/dfb087/32.png) [@CrazyCatLady](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/CrazyCatLady)\ **Post date:** [October 22, 2013, 2:43pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/non-parent-dopers-what-advice-do-you-have-for-parents/671902/28 "2013-10-22T14:43:59Z")
> [@48Willys](#): > > I am unsure as to why we are asking folks with NO experience about child rearing. I would not ask a novice about how to fly an airplane. I would ask the grandparents with at least 10 grandchildren. I would also look at how their kids turned out. Kind of like asking tradesmen for references. Having kids, even kids that turn out well, doesn’t mean you know dick-all about parenting. I have an in-law with 4 kids and _her_ parenting advice would involve things like this: 1. Ask your toddler for permission to use your own belongings. 2. Allow your children to hit each other with no consequences. If one child complains that a larger, stronger sibling is hitting and it really hurts, respond with a disinterested “Hit him back.” 3. Allow your children to throw tantrums, up to and including hitting you with their fists and throwing things at your head, with no consequences any time they don’t get what they want. 4. Constantly talk about how good-looking and smart and sweet your sons are, even while one of them is attempting to kick a dog in the head. Never have anything nice to say about your daughter. 5. Refuse to buy your daughter art and craft supplies because they’re so expensive, while enrolling your sons in multiple sports plus karate lessons. The oldest one is 11 so you can’t definitively say they will or won’t turn out okay, but so far they’ve grown into pretty decent kids in spite of her. Of course, her childless sister lives with them and pretty much raises the kids, and the three older ones are in school full-time now, so her influence on them is pretty minimal. But if that little girl doesn’t start getting some support and encouragement and attention at home…well, she’s a pretty little girl and will hit puberty very soon, there’ll probably be no end of teenage boys willing to give her all sorts of attention. My best parenting advice: come spend a week watching this woman with her kids, then do the exact opposite of that. ---
**Author:** ![Macca26](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/13edae/32.png) [@Macca26](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Macca26)\ **Post date:** [October 22, 2013, 2:54pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/non-parent-dopers-what-advice-do-you-have-for-parents/671902/29 "2013-10-22T14:54:15Z")
> [@Leaffan](#): > > Yeah, but presenting yourselves as a bunch of sanctimonious, finger-wagging know-it-alls gets really old. > > Most of us, the vast majority of us, as parents, don’t need Chinese cookie advice from inexperienced amateurs. > > Being a parent is one of the most difficult, and one of the most rewarding things imaginable. > > Go back to tending your kittens and pretend you know what it’s all about. Considering the not insignificant amount of shitty parents that exist out there, I’m of the mind that making a baby doesn’t automatically make one the all-knowing god-being of parenthood. In fact I may call some of them…inexperienced amateurs. If you don’t need advice because your children have grown up to be great people, then I guess this is not the thread for you! ---
**Author:** ![ThelmaLou](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/thelmalou/32/390_2.png) [@ThelmaLou](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/ThelmaLou)\ **Post date:** [October 22, 2013, 2:55pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/non-parent-dopers-what-advice-do-you-have-for-parents/671902/30 "2013-10-22T14:55:59Z")
> [@48Willys](#): > > I am unsure as to why we are asking folks with NO experience about child rearing. I would not ask a novice about how to fly an airplane. I would ask the grandparents with at least 10 grandchildren. I would also look at how their kids turned out. Kind of like asking tradesmen for references. Because even if we don’t HAVE children, we’ve all BEEN children. And anyway, we have perspective that parents don’t have. > [@Lasciel](#): > > Let them screw up and LET THEM FACE THE CONSEQUENCES of their screw-ups. I have had to fire people who were incapable of understanding that \*\*they \*\*are responsible for their mistakes. Why? Because their parents had always fixed everything for them - broken cars, screwed up in class, traffic tickets - everything was handled by mom or dad. I had one darling come in to her job interview (she was 19) WITH MOMMY IN TOW to negotiate for her. Darling did not get the position. This is co-dependent, and doesn’t benefit anyone involved. This absolutely. Let them be independent. Give them some room. Let them make (fixable) mistakes and bad decisions. You can’t protect them from everything, so just protect them from the life-threatening things and let them learn from the other things. A mistake or a bad decision doesn’t have to be the end of the world. Let them learn that from experience. Life doesn’t have to be perfect. To parents of little kids: let them be BORED. Let them figure out how to amuse/entertain themselves. Let them stare out the window on a car trip or just sit on the grass and look at bugs. Take away the electronics for big chunks of time. There is a REAL world in addition to the virtual world. Let them get acquainted with the space inside their own heads and fill that space with their own imaginations. Let them spend time ALONE and find out that it’s okay to be in a room by yourself with nothing to do. For little kids AND older kids: don’t overschedule them or let them overschedule themselves. Holy crap! Some of these kids are going to have to graduate so they can REST! The extra-curriculars suck up an ungodly amount of time, energy, and money. And to what end? Not saying give up everything, but pick and choose. ---
**Author:** ![Leaffan](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/leaffan/32/299_2.png) [@Leaffan](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Leaffan)\ **Post date:** [October 22, 2013, 2:56pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/non-parent-dopers-what-advice-do-you-have-for-parents/671902/31 "2013-10-22T14:56:34Z")
> [@Macca26](#): > > If you don’t need advice because your children have grown up to be great people, then I guess this is not the thread for you! At 14 and (almost) 16 I concur. So I won’t bother to post again here. ---
**Author:** ![saje](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/saje/32/3631_2.png) [@saje](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/saje)\ **Post date:** [October 22, 2013, 3:11pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/non-parent-dopers-what-advice-do-you-have-for-parents/671902/32 "2013-10-22T15:11:56Z")
> [@Quartz](#): > > Childless relatives love to baby-sit. Ummm… No. No way no how. In fact, not just no but Oh HELL no! ---
**Author:** ![lavenderviolet](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/l/cdc98d/32.png) [@lavenderviolet](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/lavenderviolet)\ **Post date:** [October 22, 2013, 3:17pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/non-parent-dopers-what-advice-do-you-have-for-parents/671902/33 "2013-10-22T15:17:27Z")
I wonder if the person who started this thread was really just trying to make a point about the “Advice for elderly people from middle aged people” thread (middle aged people know as much about being elderly as non-parents know about being a parent). However, to answer the thread seriously, here’s some advice based on what I’ve seen from parents in my life: -You should not start off assuming that your child is doing something just to be a jerk. Be open to the idea that the kid may not understand what you want from them. Give them very clear and concrete instructions on what you expect from them before getting angry at them. -The real “parent” of the kid is the person who spends time with that kid and loves them, NOT the person who just happened to contribute DNA or gave birth to the kid. Don’t be surprised or angry if you don’t spend much time with your kid and the kid ends up bonding more with someone else who did take the time to be there for the kid. “But I gave birth to him!” doesn’t mean you are owed ANYTHING. -Treat kids as people. -Look for opportunities to reward good behavior, instead of just punishing bad behavior. This works really well for dogs too! ---
**Author:** ![Icarus](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/icarus/32/72_2.png) [@Icarus](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Icarus)\ **Post date:** [October 22, 2013, 3:30pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/non-parent-dopers-what-advice-do-you-have-for-parents/671902/34 "2013-10-22T15:30:20Z")
Your kid is not a toy. Be the parent, not JUST the buddy. ---
**Author:** ![saje](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/saje/32/3631_2.png) [@saje](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/saje)\ **Post date:** [October 22, 2013, 4:02pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/non-parent-dopers-what-advice-do-you-have-for-parents/671902/35 "2013-10-22T16:02:49Z")
OK, I do actually have something to offer - Do not try to relive your childhood (specifically the things you wanted to do or wish you had done) through your kids if they aren’t interested. I used to teach riding to kids (horses, that is). I cannot tell you how many students I taught over the years who were totally bored or, (much worse) terrified by the horse thing , and Mom insisted we keep at it because SHE loved coming to the barn. Most of these moms (and occasionally dads) had had some exposure to horses when they were young, and wished they’d been able to keep at it. THEY thought it was great, kiddo and I did not. I did manage to spare a few kids by getting Mom to take over the lessons, but it broke my heart to see these little guys trying to do what mom said and make her happy, but being just scared silly the whole time. I bet it happens in other sports and things too, and it’s so unfair. ---
**Author:** ![purplehorseshoe](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/purplehorseshoe/32/2996_2.png) [@purplehorseshoe](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/purplehorseshoe)\ **Post date:** [October 22, 2013, 4:03pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/non-parent-dopers-what-advice-do-you-have-for-parents/671902/36 "2013-10-22T16:03:30Z")
> [@Leaffan](#): > > At 14 and (almost) 16 I concur. So I won’t bother to post again here. 14 and almost 16 isn’t even close to being grown up. I’m sure your kids are awesomesauce poured over awesomechips but as teenagers, they still have the ability to be awesomeshits. ---
**Author:** ![monstro](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/ba9def/32.png) [@monstro](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/monstro)\ **Post date:** [October 22, 2013, 4:19pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/non-parent-dopers-what-advice-do-you-have-for-parents/671902/37 "2013-10-22T16:19:03Z")
Be careful with how much you share about your kids at work. You may think you’re just letting off a little steam about the little fools you are forced to suffer, but fools don’t exist in a vacuum. At some point your kids’ flaws reflect on your parenting. ---
**Author:** ![ZipperJJ](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/zipperjj/32/211_2.png) [@ZipperJJ](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/ZipperJJ)\ **Post date:** [October 22, 2013, 4:20pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/non-parent-dopers-what-advice-do-you-have-for-parents/671902/38 "2013-10-22T16:20:11Z")
You didn’t become Dr. Spock the moment you spawned, so don’t get all sanctimonious when a childless person tries to interact with your kid and “does it wrong.” No laughing out loud and saying “YOU MUST NOT HAVE KIDS HAR HAR!” Just fucking be cool and tell them thanks for trying and show them how to do it right. Adults without children can learn how to handle your children, too. Also, don’t just assume that people without kids don’t have any good ideas about anything to do with kids. 90% of the media we consume is about kids and families [possible over-statement]. Pinterest is kids and families. Facebook is kids and families. House Hunters is kids and families. Every magazine at the doctor’s office is about kids and families. The evening news is about kids and families. And when we reach a certain age, everyone we know has kids and families. So don’t think we’ve been living in a cave that shields us from any mention of kids and families and couldn’t possibly help you plan a 2nd birthday party, because in reality we’ve probably been to the equivalent of 14 of them just by connecting to the Internet. ---
**Author:** ![shiftless](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/e9c0ed/32.png) [@shiftless](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/shiftless)\ **Post date:** [October 22, 2013, 4:21pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/non-parent-dopers-what-advice-do-you-have-for-parents/671902/39 "2013-10-22T16:21:59Z")
> [@Quartz](#): > > Childless relatives love to baby-sit. I assumed this was meant in jest. Before I had kids I didn’t want to babysit, while I had kids I didn’t want to babysit other people’s kids, and now that my kids are grown I sure as hell don’t want to babysit. My relatives who don’t have kids like it that way. I wouldn’t have trusted my kids with any of them - they’d probably forget and leave them in a car or something. My advice from before I had kids: Your kid isn’t half as good looking, smart or talented as you seem to think. If he was, you wouldn’t need to point it out to me. I’ve already raised the handsomest, smartest and more talented child in all of history, so that’s done and over. Also, please keep you kids from harassing others unless they indicate they like kids, then you should really keep an eye on that person. ---
**Author:** ![kayaker](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/kayaker/32/441_2.png) [@kayaker](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/kayaker)\ **Post date:** [October 22, 2013, 4:22pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/non-parent-dopers-what-advice-do-you-have-for-parents/671902/40 "2013-10-22T16:22:12Z")
> [@48Willys](#): > > There are reasons she chose to be childless! Actually, a few of my friends would point out that they are not _childless_, but _child-free_. [Previous page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/non-parent-dopers-what-advice-do-you-have-for-parents/671902.md?page=1) [Next page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/non-parent-dopers-what-advice-do-you-have-for-parents/671902.md?page=3)