# Non-Parent Dopers: What Advice Do You Have for Parents? **URL:** \ **Category:** In My Humble Opinion\ **Created:** [October 22, 2013, 2:48am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/non-parent-dopers-what-advice-do-you-have-for-parents/671902 "2013-10-22T02:48:20Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 20\ **Page:** 3
**Author:** ![Anaamika](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/a/5f9b8f/32.png) [@Anaamika](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Anaamika)\ **Post date:** [October 22, 2013, 5:15pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/non-parent-dopers-what-advice-do-you-have-for-parents/671902/41 "2013-10-22T17:15:12Z")
> [@kayaker](#): > > Actually, a few of my friends would point out that they are not _childless_, but _child-free_. Heh. I like that phraseology, except the crazies have grabbed it. How about this? Please, please, don’t assume your way is the only way or the best way. I can’t tell you how many people have sanctimoniously told me that I _must_ have kids. I don’t want 'em! Then you say I’ll change my viewpoint after having them. What if I don’t? Then I am stuck with a 20 year responsibility. I’ve babysat plenty of kids but now I don’t want to anymore. And please try to curb your kids when they come over to my house. My house is not child-proofed and never will be. I will try to keep small breakables out of the kid’s reach but I can’t move my TV and DVD player all at once. Just keep an eye on them. And bring toys! I have none! My SO’s mother said to her other daughter-in-law, after she had shared the 900th picture in an hour, “No one cares that much about the kids except the parents or grandparents. One or two or ten pictures is OK. More than that, no one wants to see.” ---
**Author:** ![kayaker](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/kayaker/32/441_2.png) [@kayaker](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/kayaker)\ **Post date:** [October 22, 2013, 5:33pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/non-parent-dopers-what-advice-do-you-have-for-parents/671902/42 "2013-10-22T17:33:20Z")
> [@Anaamika](#): > > Heh. I like that phraseology, except the crazies have grabbed it. Wow. I just googled it. I had no clue. I thought my friends were innovators. ---
**Author:** ![Lightray](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/lightray/32/391_2.png) [@Lightray](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Lightray)\ **Post date:** [October 22, 2013, 5:42pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/non-parent-dopers-what-advice-do-you-have-for-parents/671902/43 "2013-10-22T17:42:00Z")
> [@Leaffan](#): > > Yeah, but presenting yourselves as a bunch of sanctimonious, finger-wagging know-it-alls gets really old. Actually, all the sanctimonious know-it-alls in this thread seem to have children. Go figure. As a childless person, my advice would be: get over yourselves, you sanctimonious know-it-alls. Honestly, there are billions of parents who’ve muddled through. It’s not like you’re in a secret club, or anything. And the ones who realize that are the only parents impressing the rest of us. Or, if you’re too far above the hoi polloi, I suppose you could just flounce out of the thread in a sanctimonious huff. Whatevs. ---
**Author:** ![Cat\_Whisperer](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/cat_whisperer/32/4839_2.png) [@Cat\_Whisperer](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Cat_Whisperer)\ **Post date:** [October 22, 2013, 6:45pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/non-parent-dopers-what-advice-do-you-have-for-parents/671902/44 "2013-10-22T18:45:34Z")
> [@Filbert](#): > > Remember you’re raising future adults- your job is to get them ready for the time when you’re not going to be right there, sorting everything out for them. > > This means teaching your kids basic life skills, but can also mean letting your kids do stuff the slow, inefficient way, and it may well mean letting them screw things up a bit. That’s what I was going to say - a parent’s job is raising functional, independent adults. If your child is so broken that they are never able to be independent, I don’t think you’ve done your job as an adult human raising a juvenile one. > [@MsWhatsit](#): > > This thread is so far an entertaining mix of “god parents suck, make your ankle biters STFU so they quit BOTHERING THE REST OF US” and actual well-meaning advice. > > Carry on, this is better than Pawn Stars. Make your ankle-biters STFU and quit bothering the rest of us is great advice; what’s wrong with that? > [@48Willys](#): > > \ > I am unsure as to why we are asking folks with NO experience about child rearing. I would not ask a novice about how to fly an airplane. I would ask the grandparents with at least 10 grandchildren. I would also look at how their kids turned out. Kind of like asking tradesmen for references. \ > [@Leaffan](#): > > I’m sorry. I will not take advice from non-parents. > > You have no idea. You really don’t. > > You’re not qualified to give advice. I’m tired of this old meme from parents; no, I haven’t raised kids. No, I don’t know what it’s like. I will not attempt to tell anyone how to raise kids, but I would like some respect going the other way; you don’t know what it’s like to be childfree in a Cult of the Child world, either. This thread was created specifically for people without children to give their perspective to people with children. I’m not going to try to give advice on how to raise children, since I haven’t done it. I am completely qualified to give advice on how your children are received by the general public, though, which is what I assumed this thread was meant to be. The parents who have come in to threadshit seem to be taking it as personal insults, though, and I’m not sure why. ---
**Author:** ![wonky](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/wonky/32/393_2.png) [@wonky](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/wonky)\ **Post date:** [October 22, 2013, 6:50pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/non-parent-dopers-what-advice-do-you-have-for-parents/671902/45 "2013-10-22T18:50:10Z")
> [@Cat\_Whisperer](#): > > I am completely qualified to give advice on how your children are received by the general public, though, which is what I assumed this thread was meant to be. The parents who have come in to threadshit seem to be taking it as personal insults, though, and I’m not sure why. You aren’t qualified to speak for the general public. You aren’t even qualified to speak for all other people, like me, without kids and with no desire for kids. ---
**Author:** ![Duckster](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/duckster/32/1244_2.png) [@Duckster](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Duckster)\ **Post date:** [October 22, 2013, 7:03pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/non-parent-dopers-what-advice-do-you-have-for-parents/671902/46 "2013-10-22T19:03:44Z")
> [@Leaffan](#): > > Go back to tending your kittens and pretend you know what it’s all about. Umm, well, we do have three kittens. The two granddaughters were here last week, and met our kittens for the first time. Our kittens were better behaved. ---
**Author:** ![MsWhatsit](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/eb8c5e/32.png) [@MsWhatsit](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/MsWhatsit)\ **Post date:** [October 22, 2013, 7:06pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/non-parent-dopers-what-advice-do-you-have-for-parents/671902/47 "2013-10-22T19:06:16Z")
> [@Cat\_Whisperer](#): > > The parents who have come in to threadshit seem to be taking it as personal insults, though, and I’m not sure why. I count two parents in this thread, namely me and **Leaffan** , and since I made an entire post about all the great advice in this thread that I agree with, I am not sure how you are interpreting that as me feeling personally insulted. If I were feeling insulted I would probably make a big list of posts that I thought were shitty. Or I would pout. ---
**Author:** ![Nava](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/n/da6949/32.png) [@Nava](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Nava)\ **Post date:** [October 22, 2013, 7:35pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/non-parent-dopers-what-advice-do-you-have-for-parents/671902/48 "2013-10-22T19:35:41Z")
> [@48Willys](#): > > I am unsure as to why we are asking folks with NO experience about child rearing. I would not ask a novice about how to fly an airplane. Both response and advice: “Not a parent” does not equal “has no experience about child rearing”. Or have we gone from “female teachers cannot be married” to “teachers must have children who are at least as old as the teacher’s current pupils”? Nava, co-parent of two brothers and eldest of 12 cousins. ---
**Author:** ![ThelmaLou](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/thelmalou/32/390_2.png) [@ThelmaLou](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/ThelmaLou)\ **Post date:** [October 22, 2013, 7:39pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/non-parent-dopers-what-advice-do-you-have-for-parents/671902/49 "2013-10-22T19:39:34Z")
> [@Cat\_Whisperer](#): > > I’m tired of this old meme from parents; no, I haven’t raised kids. No, I don’t know what it’s like. I will not attempt to tell anyone how to raise kids, but I would like some respect going the other way; you don’t know what it’s like to be childfree in a Cult of the Child world, either. I’ve felt this way, too, sometimes. > [@](#): > > This thread was created specifically for people without children to give their perspective to people with children. I’m not going to try to give advice on how to raise children, since I haven’t done it. I am completely qualified to give advice on how your children are received by the general public, though, which is what I assumed this thread was meant to be. And like I said before, even though we may not HAVE children, we’ve all BEEN children, so it’s not like we know NOTHING about children or a child’s world. Unlike pet-less people who comment on how I raise my cats and dogs… they’ve never BEEN cats or dogs (at least not in this life). ---
**Author:** ![nearwildheaven](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/n/90db22/32.png) [@nearwildheaven](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/nearwildheaven)\ **Post date:** [October 22, 2013, 7:42pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/non-parent-dopers-what-advice-do-you-have-for-parents/671902/50 "2013-10-22T19:42:14Z")
If your spouse does not co-parent, and/or you cannot handle the child(ren) you already have, it is NOT a good idea to have another baby. ---
**Author:** ![nearwildheaven](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/n/90db22/32.png) [@nearwildheaven](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/nearwildheaven)\ **Post date:** [October 22, 2013, 7:53pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/non-parent-dopers-what-advice-do-you-have-for-parents/671902/51 "2013-10-22T19:53:47Z")
I also have never once seen a group of adults, most likely elderly women, crowded around a parent whose special-needs child is behaving in some age-inappropriate manner, telling the parent that the child needs a good beating. I’d like to know when, where, and to whom that’s happened. Maybe it has, somewhere. I read about it all the time on message boards, though. And even if your child DOES act in a way that everyone who sees them will notice, I can assure you that 5 minutes after you leave, those people will have forgotten about it, and they will not spend the rest of the day talking about you. They just won’t. ---
**Author:** ![monstro](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/ba9def/32.png) [@monstro](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/monstro)\ **Post date:** [October 22, 2013, 8:16pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/non-parent-dopers-what-advice-do-you-have-for-parents/671902/52 "2013-10-22T20:16:40Z")
One lesson that I learned last year, when I was visiting my sister and her family: You definitely can choose your battles. Even in situations that have black-and-white answers according to others, including even your own parents. When I was growing up, I’d always tangle with my mother about my clothes. Whenever I was with her, I had to look the way she wanted me to. Because, she would say, I reflected on her. Every Sunday morning was a tearful event because of our differenes in opinion. She tangled with my other siblings over the same thing. Last year when my eldest niece graduated from HS, her little sister showed up to the ceremony with the ashiest legs I’ve ever seen in my life. The ash was so ashy that she made Ashy Larry look like the spokesmodel for Jergens. You could see the ash clouds from a mile away. I was even embarrassed for the child and I’m the Supreme Queen of Ashyness (my face is on Mt. Ashmore). Did it reflect poorly on my sister that she didn’t make her daughter slap on some lotion before she left the house? No. Rolling up into that ceremony 30 minutes late, all because of parental anxiety over appearances, would have reflected poorly on her. But divorcing her identity from that of her children and letting them rise or fall on their own ashy mountaintop? I only have mad respect for that. And even if there were some folks who shook their heads, so the hell what? People are always going to have their negative opinions. You will drive yourself and your family nuts by always catering to the peanut gallery. ---
**Author:** ![WhyNot](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/w/c77e96/32.png) [@WhyNot](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/WhyNot)\ **Post date:** [October 22, 2013, 8:19pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/non-parent-dopers-what-advice-do-you-have-for-parents/671902/53 "2013-10-22T20:19:09Z")
> [@MsWhatsit](#): > > This thread is so far an entertaining mix of “god parents suck, make your ankle biters STFU so they quit BOTHERING THE REST OF US” and actual well-meaning advice. > > Carry on, this is better than Pawn Stars. There is some good insight here, you’re right. But I’m also giggling like mad at the “let them fail, let them be bored…but don’t you dare let them make noise or bother other people!” dichotomy. Guess what? When bored kids learn from their own mistakes, they’re messy, and sometimes loud about it. Sorry 'bout that. I’m getting them out of here as fast as I can, but my teleporter’s in the shop. I mean, they’re not _wrong_, I believe all of those things to be true as well. They’re just not all possible all of the time simultaneously. ---
**Author:** ![Leaffan](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/leaffan/32/299_2.png) [@Leaffan](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Leaffan)\ **Post date:** [October 22, 2013, 8:20pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/non-parent-dopers-what-advice-do-you-have-for-parents/671902/54 "2013-10-22T20:20:03Z")
So, here’s the thing. Although some of this advice may sound good to you, don’tcha think all reasonable parents already know all this stuff too? My kids do behave well, because I (we) brought them up well. The problem with these kinds of threads is you have childless people offering up very little but superficial advice and feeling all smug because, hey parents are dumb and need to be told these 12 simple rules for raising kids. There’s not one bit of advice in here that doesn’t ring true, and I think most parents are aware. I guess what insults me is that because you encounter one shitty kid in a restaurant or parents who think their kids are extra special, you think we’re all like this. We’re not! Some of us are pretty good parents. I don’t know why I’m insulted by the rudimentary “advice” being given by non-parents, but I am. I can’t put my finger on why. ---
**Author:** ![MeanOldLady](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/meanoldlady/32/10737_2.png) [@MeanOldLady](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/MeanOldLady)\ **Post date:** [October 22, 2013, 8:25pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/non-parent-dopers-what-advice-do-you-have-for-parents/671902/55 "2013-10-22T20:25:39Z")
> [@Leaffan](#): > > I guess what insults me is that because you encounter one shitty kid in a restaurant or parents who think their kids are extra special, you think we’re all like this. It’s true. I saw a shitty kid outside once and concluded that all parents are terrible, including my own. ---
**Author:** ![bump](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/b/7c8e57/32.png) [@bump](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/bump)\ **Post date:** [October 22, 2013, 8:26pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/non-parent-dopers-what-advice-do-you-have-for-parents/671902/56 "2013-10-22T20:26:25Z")
> [@Cat\_Whisperer](#): > > you don’t know what it’s like to be childfree in a Cult of the Child world, either. I don’t know about that; I didn’t get married until 35, and our first son was born when I was 38, about to be 39. So I’ve probably lived at least half my life without children. I’m not firmly on the “if you’re not a parent, you CAN’T have anything constructive to say, and anything you say is offensive” bandwagon. There’s definitely some value to seeing things from the outside. However, when you’re in the trenches so to speak, it can seem a little sanctimonious or infuriating to hear someone without children, or who hasn’t done the 24/7 parent thing bloviate about how parents should do this or that, or how it can’t be hard or whatever. My personal pet-peeve is the way some people are so snide about toddlers and babies at restaurants, especially family type places. It’s freaking hard to take a little kid out to eat, and parents get damned tired of staying at home all the time. Babysitting is expensive and hard to find, and little ones need to be socialized, so we bring them out to eat with us. While we do our best not to impinge on your dining enjoyment, it’s unreasonable to expect all toddlers to be well-behaved for the hour or so that you eat. Cut parents some slack if they’re trying to discipline their children or are taking them outside in shifts, or if they bring the kid back in thinking the tantrum’s over, only to find out it’s not. ---
**Author:** ![Annie-Xmas](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/a/ecc23a/32.png) [@Annie-Xmas](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Annie-Xmas)\ **Post date:** [October 22, 2013, 8:26pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/non-parent-dopers-what-advice-do-you-have-for-parents/671902/57 "2013-10-22T20:26:49Z")
Two things to thing about before having a baby: They turn into adolescents, and you never get rid of these people. ---
**Author:** ![ThelmaLou](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/thelmalou/32/390_2.png) [@ThelmaLou](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/ThelmaLou)\ **Post date:** [October 22, 2013, 8:32pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/non-parent-dopers-what-advice-do-you-have-for-parents/671902/58 "2013-10-22T20:32:31Z")
> [@monstro](#): > > Last year when my eldest niece graduated from HS, her little sister showed up to the ceremony with the ashiest legs I’ve ever seen in my life. The ash was so ashy that she made Ashy Larry look like the spokesmodel for Jergens. You could see the ash clouds from a mile away. I was even embarrassed for the child and I’m the Supreme Queen of Ashyness (my face is on Mt. Ashmore). > > Did it reflect poorly on my sister that she didn’t make her daughter slap on some lotion before she left the house? No. Rolling up into that ceremony 30 minutes late, all because of parental anxiety over appearances, would have reflected poorly on her. But divorcing her identity from that of her children and letting them rise or fall on their own ashy mountaintop? I only have mad respect for that. I have an affliction called Extreme Literal-Mindedness. I can’t figure out what you mean by “ashy.” Is this code for something, or do you mean really really dry skin? If the latter, I’ve never heard of _ashy_ used this way. I don’t get out much. > [@Leaffan](#): > > I don’t know why I’m insulted by the rudimentary “advice” being given by non-parents, but I am. I can’t put my finger on why. Are your own parents critical of or supportive of your parenting style? ---
**Author:** ![nearwildheaven](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/n/90db22/32.png) [@nearwildheaven](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/nearwildheaven)\ **Post date:** [October 22, 2013, 8:41pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/non-parent-dopers-what-advice-do-you-have-for-parents/671902/59 "2013-10-22T20:41:17Z")
> [@ThelmaLou](#): > > I have an affliction called Extreme Literal-Mindedness. I can’t figure out what you mean by “ashy.” Is this code for something, or do you mean really really dry skin? If the latter, I’ve never heard of _ashy_ used this way. I don’t get out much. Monstro’s niece is probably black. Some black people get dry skin, and refer to it as “ashy” because their skin does indeed look like it’s covered in ash. ---
**Author:** ![Grrr](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/grrr/32/146_2.png) [@Grrr](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Grrr)\ **Post date:** [October 22, 2013, 8:42pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/non-parent-dopers-what-advice-do-you-have-for-parents/671902/60 "2013-10-22T20:42:31Z")
> [@Leaffan](#): > > I guess what insults me is that because you encounter one shitty kid in a restaurant or parents who think their kids are extra special, you think we’re all like this. I came to post this. Also, here’s a newsflash for non parents whining about the annoying children: You seem to think you have more of a right to exist in this world than we do. I mean, god forbid, that one time out of a hundred you went to Applebees and was bothered by an annoying kid crying his ass off as you were trying to choke down your crappy meatloaf special. Ooo, how terrible for you! Gee your life must really suck. To quote the great George Costanza: “WE’RE LIVING IN A SOCIETY!!” You’re going to have to deal with annoying people from time to time. So get over your fragile sensibilities and move on with life. [Previous page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/non-parent-dopers-what-advice-do-you-have-for-parents/671902.md?page=2) [Next page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/non-parent-dopers-what-advice-do-you-have-for-parents/671902.md?page=4)