# Non-Parent Dopers: What Advice Do You Have for Parents? **URL:** \ **Category:** In My Humble Opinion\ **Created:** [October 22, 2013, 2:48am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/non-parent-dopers-what-advice-do-you-have-for-parents/671902 "2013-10-22T02:48:20Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 20\ **Page:** 5
**Author:** ![Anaamika](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/a/5f9b8f/32.png) [@Anaamika](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Anaamika)\ **Post date:** [October 23, 2013, 4:19pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/non-parent-dopers-what-advice-do-you-have-for-parents/671902/81 "2013-10-23T16:19:40Z")
> [@nearwildheaven](#): > > If your spouse does not co-parent, and/or you cannot handle the child(ren) you already have, it is NOT a good idea to have another baby. Mmm! Another baby will NOT fix the relationship, and how dare you bring another life into this world just because you think it’s going to make your marriage better or something. ---
**Author:** ![bump](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/b/7c8e57/32.png) [@bump](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/bump)\ **Post date:** [October 23, 2013, 4:20pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/non-parent-dopers-what-advice-do-you-have-for-parents/671902/82 "2013-10-23T16:20:41Z")
> [@Cat\_Whisperer](#): > > Maybe “Cult of the Child” is too strong a term; maybe we could call it, “People Who Think Reproducing Is The Only Valid Choice” (PWTRITOVC for short). 🙂 I’m a proud father of a 2 year old boy and trying for a 2nd child, and I’ll say that a lot of that is a sort of buyer’s remorse- having kids is an absolute and total lifestyle change; marriage isn’t even in the same order of magnitude. ---
**Author:** ![nearwildheaven](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/n/90db22/32.png) [@nearwildheaven](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/nearwildheaven)\ **Post date:** [October 23, 2013, 4:24pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/non-parent-dopers-what-advice-do-you-have-for-parents/671902/83 "2013-10-23T16:24:54Z")
> [@monstro](#): > > No one assumes guys want to hear about the travails of potty-training. I’ve heard plenty of men talk about things like weaning and potty training. ---
**Author:** ![Motorgirl](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/e36b37/32.png) [@Motorgirl](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Motorgirl)\ **Post date:** [October 23, 2013, 4:51pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/non-parent-dopers-what-advice-do-you-have-for-parents/671902/84 "2013-10-23T16:51:59Z")
> [@MeanOldLady](#): > > Heh, so “cult” is a bit much, but parents often pester people who don’t want children despite how clearly, forcefully or repeatedly we state we don’t want any. For me, the “Cult of the Child” phenomenon also includes the notion that absolutely everything in life should be child-friendly. It’s far from all parents who behave this way, but the ones that do are pretty annoying. E.g. We’re not going to childproof our house, so if you bring your children over you need to expect to supervise them well so they don’t get into things that are dangerous. That’s not our responsibility beyond making sure we don’t leave knives, poison and fire in the middle of the living room floor. ---
**Author:** ![Cat\_Whisperer](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/cat_whisperer/32/4839_2.png) [@Cat\_Whisperer](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Cat_Whisperer)\ **Post date:** [October 23, 2013, 5:00pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/non-parent-dopers-what-advice-do-you-have-for-parents/671902/85 "2013-10-23T17:00:06Z")
> [@MeanOldLady](#): > > \ > Only Valid Alternative, or OVA? Hmm, we’ll work on that acronym. I’ll put it on the agenda for next week’s meeting. Heh. I like that one! > [@48Willys](#): > > I appreciate the summery of the reason for this thread. This is what I wanted to know when I posted “I am unsure as to why we are asking folks with NO experience about child rearing.” Thanks for addressing this. You’re quite welcome, and I glad I didn’t overstep with my take on what we we’re talking about in this thread, and my personal opinions on what it is like to be an outsider (good word, by the way) in our society. 🙂 > [@](#): > > \ > I for one am NOT the least bit offended nor do I feel insulted at anything posted thus far on this thread. As far as showing respect, I hope that my respect for you-all is coming across strongly. I lurked for a long time before posting, partly to see if this was a group that I could relate to and that I could learn from. I hope that I have things that I can share that helps others on this site. I am unsure what I posted you took as “threadshitting”. I am sorry that it offended you. Nothing you posted was threadshitting; some of the parents who came into this thread were getting dangerously close. The usual response to a thread that doesn’t interest you here is to not participate in it, not go into the thread and announce why it isn’t a valid thread. > [@](#): > > My aunt Margaret (aged 94) is one of those that chose to be childless. We have had some discussions about how society as a whole does not understand, nor respect her choice to not have children. I can see what she (and perhaps, you) experience as an outsider in a child-centric society. > > This is a great thread. There are many points that I agree fully with. There are some I do not understand. These give me something to ponder on. I will gain insight from them. > > Thanks all, 48. I’ve probably hijacked this thread enough with my militant childfree-by-choiceness, but if you have any further questions, please feel free to PM me. 🙂 ---
**Author:** ![Wallaby](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/w/dc4da7/32.png) [@Wallaby](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Wallaby)\ **Post date:** [October 23, 2013, 11:02pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/non-parent-dopers-what-advice-do-you-have-for-parents/671902/86 "2013-10-23T23:02:36Z")
If your child is less than 6 years old, and you don’t think they are the most talented, intelligent, good-looking, athletically-gifted and just-gosh-darned-nicest-kid-ever, you are probably a poor parent. If your child is over 6 years old, and you still think any of the above, you are probably a poor parent. ---
**Author:** ![nearwildheaven](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/n/90db22/32.png) [@nearwildheaven](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/nearwildheaven)\ **Post date:** [October 23, 2013, 11:08pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/non-parent-dopers-what-advice-do-you-have-for-parents/671902/87 "2013-10-23T23:08:42Z")
> [@Anaamika](#): > > Mmm! Another baby will NOT fix the relationship, and how dare you bring another life into this world just because you think it’s going to make your marriage better or something. If your husband is addicted to video games, or anything else, a baby will not make him stop. eom ---
**Author:** ![Really\_Not\_All\_That\_Bright](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/r/e8c25b/32.png) [@Really\_Not\_All\_That\_Bright](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Really_Not_All_That_Bright)\ **Post date:** [October 23, 2013, 11:22pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/non-parent-dopers-what-advice-do-you-have-for-parents/671902/88 "2013-10-23T23:22:13Z")
The kid’s first birthday party doesn’t need to be some elaborate affair. He doesn’t know what the hell is going on anyway. Keep your kids off Facebook. You can send grandma a private message, and not worry about kidnappers, murderers and rapists taking notes. ---
**Author:** ![outlierrn](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/outlierrn/32/3005_2.png) [@outlierrn](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/outlierrn)\ **Post date:** [October 24, 2013, 1:45am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/non-parent-dopers-what-advice-do-you-have-for-parents/671902/89 "2013-10-24T01:45:37Z")
> [@48Willys](#): > > I am unsure as to why we are asking folks with NO experience about child rearing. I would not ask a novice about how to fly an airplane. I would ask the grandparents with at least 10 grandchildren. I would also look at how their kids turned out. Kind of like asking tradesmen for references. Sometimes people standing outside a process have insight that people deeply enmeshed in it do not. Children are great observers, but poor interpreters. They will see more and understand less than you assume. ---
**Author:** ![Eva\_Luna](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/e/e495f1/32.png) [@Eva\_Luna](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Eva_Luna)\ **Post date:** [October 24, 2013, 2:29am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/non-parent-dopers-what-advice-do-you-have-for-parents/671902/90 "2013-10-24T02:29:39Z")
> [@Motorgirl](#): > > We’re not going to childproof our house, so if you bring your children over you need to expect to supervise them well so they don’t get into things that are dangerous. That’s not our responsibility beyond making sure we don’t leave knives, poison and fire in the middle of the living room floor. And the corollary: if your children are throwing things in someone else’s house, jumping on the furniture, etc., and the hosts have asked them numerous times to knock it off, in your presence, and they still aren’t knocking it off, it’s time for you to be the parent and step in, and remove the child from the house if necessary. My friends are generally pretty good about this (and their kids are always welcome at our house when there’s a gathering, which is unspoken in our circle), but I still have a broken lamp that my mother made that was in a room with some particularly rambunctious friends’ children after they had been asked to leave the living room because they persisted in throwing sofa cushions at each other in a room full of fragile handmade and/or antique things. All the kids involved are old enough to know better. Another one: the mere fact of having given birth (on your fourth accidental pregnancy at that) does not give you some unique human insight into relationships between other parents and their (adult) children, neither of which are you, so keep your mouth shut unless someone requests your opinion. Getting knocked up doesn’t exactly require some special, hard-to-find skill. (Yes, I’m thinking of someone in particular - how did you guess?) ---
**Author:** ![etv78](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/e/d78d45/32.png) [@etv78](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/etv78)\ **Post date:** [October 24, 2013, 2:44am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/non-parent-dopers-what-advice-do-you-have-for-parents/671902/91 "2013-10-24T02:44:09Z")
This is very specific advice but: people in wheelchairs are usually happy to talk about being in a chair. There is no need to be afraid of us. ---
**Author:** ![Eva\_Luna](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/e/e495f1/32.png) [@Eva\_Luna](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Eva_Luna)\ **Post date:** [October 24, 2013, 2:50am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/non-parent-dopers-what-advice-do-you-have-for-parents/671902/92 "2013-10-24T02:50:19Z")
> [@monstro](#): > > It stings when people (esp. women) act as if liking babies and kids is a requirement for being a real woman. No one assumes guys want to hear about the travails of potty-training, but because I’m a woman, I’m naturally supposed to be into this kind of thing (in addition to weddings, cosmetics, and shoes). > > Lately I’ve been getting the “Don’t you want to have children?!” questions at work, because now I’m the only person on my floor who doesn’t have kids or isn’t trying to have them. It’s awkward knowing that everyone thinks you’re “doing it wrong”, even if you know you’re just living life on your own terms. Oh, I feel you. Generally in the workplace I just tell them I have kittens instead, because I can leave them alone for days at a time. That generally shuts them up, for a while anyway. ---
**Author:** ![Brynda](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/b/e79b87/32.png) [@Brynda](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Brynda)\ **Post date:** [October 24, 2013, 5:47am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/non-parent-dopers-what-advice-do-you-have-for-parents/671902/93 "2013-10-24T05:47:18Z")
Parents, for the love of Og, find something to talk about besides your kids. I am SO sick of pretending to care about the minute details of their lives. Really, we are just being polite. ---
**Author:** ![WhyNot](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/w/c77e96/32.png) [@WhyNot](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/WhyNot)\ **Post date:** [October 24, 2013, 10:33am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/non-parent-dopers-what-advice-do-you-have-for-parents/671902/94 "2013-10-24T10:33:09Z")
> [@etv78](#): > > This is very specific advice but: people in wheelchairs are usually happy to talk about being in a chair. There is no need to be afraid of us. That’s actually quite useful information, thank you. I mean, I won’t extrapolate that to apply to every person in every wheelchair every time (no one is always up for being the ambassador) but I do struggle with how to educate my kids, encourage them to be helpful and at the same time not make people using wheelchairs feel like a display item, y’know? ---
**Author:** ![James\_Toothpaste](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/j/e56c9b/32.png) [@James\_Toothpaste](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/James_Toothpaste)\ **Post date:** [October 24, 2013, 1:23pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/non-parent-dopers-what-advice-do-you-have-for-parents/671902/95 "2013-10-24T13:23:56Z")
Don’t boss your kid around unless the kid is doing something that will risk their safety. ---
**Author:** ![bump](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/b/7c8e57/32.png) [@bump](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/bump)\ **Post date:** [October 24, 2013, 1:49pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/non-parent-dopers-what-advice-do-you-have-for-parents/671902/96 "2013-10-24T13:49:47Z")
> [@Brynda](#): > > Parents, for the love of Og, find something to talk about besides your kids. I am SO sick of pretending to care about the minute details of their lives. Really, we are just being polite. That’s the thing though; until the kids get a little older, the parents generally don’t do a whole lot else or have much else to talk about. That’s what I was getting at when I said that having kids is an absolute and total lifestyle change. It’s why your friends who have children drop off the face of the earth for a long time, if not forever. It’s not so much them crowing about how awesome their children are in many cases, it’s that it’s about the only thing going for them, especially if they’re stay-at-home moms. I find myself talking to my buddies about my son more than they probably like, but it’s mostly because outside of bitching about work and our college football team, that’s the other thing I have to talk about these days. ---
**Author:** ![truthSeeker2](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/t/7cd45c/32.png) [@truthSeeker2](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/truthSeeker2)\ **Post date:** [October 24, 2013, 2:02pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/non-parent-dopers-what-advice-do-you-have-for-parents/671902/97 "2013-10-24T14:02:19Z")
Dont make your kids over-ambitious. Make them take interest in and enjoy real things (people and nature) around them (less tech savvy). Make them care-free but sincere. ---
**Author:** ![Silvorange](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/8dc957/32.png) [@Silvorange](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Silvorange)\ **Post date:** [October 24, 2013, 2:19pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/non-parent-dopers-what-advice-do-you-have-for-parents/671902/98 "2013-10-24T14:19:51Z")
Here’s one I learned the hard way while working in daycare: don’t lift or swing little kids by their hands or arms. It’s easier than you think to[dislocate or break their elbows](http://en.m.wikipedia.org/wiki/Nursemaid_elbow). In my case, I had a group of 2-year-olds holding hands and dancing in a circle. The little girl holding my right hand grabbed tight and picked up her feet so I was dangling her by her arm for a few seconds until I could slow down and put her down without stepping on her. She began complaining that her elbow hurt. Fortunately, this happened during a classroom party with parents present, including her mom, so she was taken to the doctor right away and I had witnesses that there had been no abuse. When she came back, her arm was in a cast. Her elbow had been dislocated and a bone had been cracked. ---
**Author:** ![Krouget](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/k/b38774/32.png) [@Krouget](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Krouget)\ **Post date:** [October 24, 2013, 2:38pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/non-parent-dopers-what-advice-do-you-have-for-parents/671902/99 "2013-10-24T14:38:08Z")
> [@Leaffan](#): > > I’m sorry. I will not take advice from non-parents. > > You have no idea. You really don’t. > > You’re not qualified to give advice. Being a parent isn’t the only way to experience, interact with, or raise children. It could actually come across as an insult to some of the people I know who perform volunteer/medical work, help, and teach many hundreds of kids over years, all to generally thankful parents who share the upbringing experience. Reading your consecutive posts, you may not have meant it this way, but it seems unnecessarily defensive. Good parenting is certainly a full time job, and no matter the advice, mistakes will be made and the entire process is a learning experience to be shared with the kid(s). The more people _genuinely_ involved with that, the better. As such, yeah, you probably don’t need the advice here, but what you’ve written comes across as condescending. > [@](#): > > I guess what insults me is that because you encounter one shitty kid in a restaurant or parents who think their kids are extra special, you think we’re all like this. Not at all. You’re taking offense to a generalization, which we know should be a non-starter. > [@bump](#): > > That’s the thing though; until the kids get a little older, the parents generally don’t do a whole lot else or have much else to talk about. 100% true, lol. ---
**Author:** ![Leaffan](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/leaffan/32/299_2.png) [@Leaffan](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Leaffan)\ **Post date:** [October 24, 2013, 3:01pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/non-parent-dopers-what-advice-do-you-have-for-parents/671902/100 "2013-10-24T15:01:33Z")
> [@Krouget](#): > > Reading your consecutive posts, you may not have meant it this way, but it seems unnecessarily defensive. Good parenting is certainly a full time job, and no matter the advice, mistakes will be made and the entire process is a learning experience to be shared with the kid(s). The more people _genuinely_ involved with that, the better. As such, yeah, you probably don’t need the advice here, but what you’ve written comes across as condescending. I can see that I guess. Apologies to all. The hairs got up on the back of my neck. We had two kids 17 months apart and therefore had sleepless nights and diaper changes and 3:00 AM feedings for like 5 years in a row, with no break. And believe me not only did I do my share, I think I did more than my share, plus went to work every day, plus took the kids out to give mommy a break and the whole 9 yards. It was a very, very trying experience. I love them more than anything, and did what I needed to do but the change in lifestyle was enormous. HUGE! UNFATHOMABLE even. And then to reduce it all to a one or two sentence piece of advice from someone who hasn’t been there seems grossly unfair to me. Walk a mile in my shoes and all that. They’re teenagers now and there are issues that go with that. Nothing major, but teenagers can be selfish jerks, even to their own parents. It’s another phase of parenting to navigate through. I’m sorry for pseudo-threadshitting earlier, but it’s almost like non-car owners creating a thread for advice for car owners and piping in with: “Make sure there’s gasoline in the tank.” “Change your oil on schedule as per the owner’s manual.” “Check your tire pressure before any long trips.” “Clean the snow off your windows before driving.” It’s like, no shit Sherlock. Continue. [Previous page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/non-parent-dopers-what-advice-do-you-have-for-parents/671902.md?page=4) [Next page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/non-parent-dopers-what-advice-do-you-have-for-parents/671902.md?page=6)