# Non-Traditional Relationships - Your Opinion? **URL:** \ **Category:** In My Humble Opinion\ **Created:** [June 23, 2009, 6:09am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/non-traditional-relationships-your-opinion/500693 "2009-06-23T06:09:13Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 20\ **Page:** 1
**Author:** ![TheMadEngineer](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/t/cc9497/32.png) [@TheMadEngineer](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/TheMadEngineer)\ **Post date:** [June 23, 2009, 6:09am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/non-traditional-relationships-your-opinion/500693/1 "2009-06-23T06:09:13Z")
First I think a little background is necessary before getting to my question because I feel it’s necessary but since it’s 2:00 in the morning it’s probably not xD Anyway, my girlfriend is Arachne, who you might have seen posting around here and has mentioned me a couple of times. She’s pansexual, and I’m burgeoningly bisexual (something for a later post, perhaps… don’t feel that status warrants explanation at the moment). One of the things I am pretty sure she’s mentioned is how she and I have had some extra-relationship goings-on. Now, this isn’t to say we’re going off and cheating on each other OR going off alone and finding other people. The couple of times we’ve found someone else to mess around with, we did it entirely together. The decision was mutual, the pursuit was together, and the act was together… and I can say that the results have been nothing but positive. We both felt a LOT closer, and got to have the joy of someone new and exciting, as well as (most importantly) having shared a wonderful experience. We plan to continue this, hopefully finding a fairly stable extra partner for a while. The major problem we’re facing right now is finding somebody. So, what does everyone else think about this? Has anybody else tried what we’ve done, and what have your experiences been? ---
**Author:** ![Covered\_In\_Bees](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/c/7ab992/32.png) [@Covered\_In\_Bees](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Covered_In_Bees)\ **Post date:** [June 23, 2009, 6:13am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/non-traditional-relationships-your-opinion/500693/2 "2009-06-23T06:13:09Z")
> [@](#): > > So, what does everyone else think about this? Sounds like you have an irregular relationship. Irregular _not_ meaning unhealthy. It would seem you two have quite a healthy relationship. > [@](#): > > Has anybody else tried what we’ve done, and what have your experiences been? No I haven’t tried and probably won’t any time soon. Though if I _really_ trusted a woman I was with and we’d had a good relationship up to that point, if it got brought up somehow, I suppose I’d be open of “experimenting”. Can’t say for sure of course, having never been in that position. Perhaps some people with far more experience than myself will be along to give you an actual interesting response. 😛 ---
**Author:** ![Grrr](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/grrr/32/146_2.png) [@Grrr](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Grrr)\ **Post date:** [June 23, 2009, 6:19am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/non-traditional-relationships-your-opinion/500693/3 "2009-06-23T06:19:25Z")
I’m currious. What happens if you find that other _stable_ third person and then, as things progress, the other two find a stronger bond than you two share? What if they want to become exclusive? Do these fears pop into your mind? As far as my personal opinion goes; hey, whatever floats your boat. It’s your life. ---
**Author:** ![TheMadEngineer](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/t/cc9497/32.png) [@TheMadEngineer](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/TheMadEngineer)\ **Post date:** [June 23, 2009, 6:25am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/non-traditional-relationships-your-opinion/500693/4 "2009-06-23T06:25:14Z")
> [@SHAKES](#): > > I’m currious. What happens if you find that other _stable_ third person and then, as things progress, the other two find a stronger bond than you two share? That’s a possibility, though as we see it currently unlikely. Arachne and I are a DAMN good match for each other goal-wise, personality-wise, etc. We’re also going into these things, as I like to say, “with our eyes open”. That is to say, being careful and not doing things that are potentially harmful to our own relationship. Also, one reason I think this is good for the two of us: We can say “Oh yeah, (s)he’s hot, I really wish I could do her…” and it becomes a bonding experience for the two of us to actually pursue that goal together 🙂 ---
**Author:** ![Covered\_In\_Bees](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/c/7ab992/32.png) [@Covered\_In\_Bees](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Covered_In_Bees)\ **Post date:** [June 23, 2009, 6:29am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/non-traditional-relationships-your-opinion/500693/5 "2009-06-23T06:29:22Z")
> [@](#): > > We can say “Oh yeah, (s)he’s hot, I really wish I could do her…” and it becomes a bonding experience for the two of us to actually pursue that goal together 🙂 > Reply With Quote Ya know, for as unlikely as I am to ever be polyamorous, I do find the quoted section to be really bad ass. A relationship like that, for me, would be fun as a novelty. Try once and see what it’s like, when (or if) it ends, go back to monogamy. I can’t see myself being that seriously involved with someone to where we’d be looking for a stable third-party. ---
**Author:** ![TheMadEngineer](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/t/cc9497/32.png) [@TheMadEngineer](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/TheMadEngineer)\ **Post date:** [June 23, 2009, 6:31am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/non-traditional-relationships-your-opinion/500693/6 "2009-06-23T06:31:22Z")
I apologize for watching my thread like a hawk but I’m procrastinating going to sleep (hooray). Anyway, the stable third party would be nice but is not necessarily what we’re after. We’re still feeling the whole thing out ourselves. We see a stable third party, at this point, as an unlikely event. ---
**Author:** ![coremelt](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/c/4491bb/32.png) [@coremelt](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/coremelt)\ **Post date:** [June 23, 2009, 6:34am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/non-traditional-relationships-your-opinion/500693/7 "2009-06-23T06:34:15Z")
> [@TheMadEngineer](#): > > So, what does everyone else think about this? Has anybody else tried what we’ve done, and what have your experiences been? read the book “The Ethical Slut” by Dossie and Easton for some good practical advice on how to avoid common problems. > **[The Ethical Slut: A Guide to Infinite Sexual Possibilities: Easton, Dossie,...](https://www.amazon.com/Ethical-Slut-Infinite-Sexual-Possibilities/dp/1890159018)** > > The Ethical Slut: A Guide to Infinite Sexual Possibilities \[Easton, Dossie, Liszt, Catherine A.\] on Amazon.com. \*FREE\* shipping on qualifying offers. The Ethical Slut: A Guide to Infinite Sexual Possibilities then check out the web for polyamory support groups to get many many positive stories and horror stories… not sure “the straight dope” is the best place for this. ---
**Author:** ![TheMadEngineer](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/t/cc9497/32.png) [@TheMadEngineer](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/TheMadEngineer)\ **Post date:** [June 23, 2009, 6:38am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/non-traditional-relationships-your-opinion/500693/8 "2009-06-23T06:38:39Z")
> [@coremelt](#): > > read the book “The Ethical Slut” by Dossie and Easton for some good practical advice on how to avoid common problems. > > [The Ethical Slut: A Guide to Infinite Sexual Possibilities: Easton, Dossie, Liszt, Catherine A.: 9781890159016: Amazon.com: Books](http://www.amazon.com/Ethical-Slut-Infinite-Sexual-Possibilities/dp/1890159018) > > then check out the web for polyamory support groups to get many many positive stories and horror stories… not sure “the straight dope” is the best place for this. Guess what, Arachne already has that book \>.\> ---
**Author:** ![Kalhoun](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/k/3bc359/32.png) [@Kalhoun](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Kalhoun)\ **Post date:** [June 23, 2009, 11:13am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/non-traditional-relationships-your-opinion/500693/9 "2009-06-23T11:13:09Z")
> [@coremelt](#): > > read the book “The Ethical Slut” by Dossie and Easton for some good practical advice on how to avoid common problems. > > [The Ethical Slut: A Guide to Infinite Sexual Possibilities: Easton, Dossie, Liszt, Catherine A.: 9781890159016: Amazon.com: Books](http://www.amazon.com/Ethical-Slut-Infinite-Sexual-Possibilities/dp/1890159018) > > then check out the web for polyamory support groups to get many many positive stories and horror stories… **not sure “the straight dope” is the best place for this**. Why? This topic comes up all the time on the Straight Dope. Why do you think it’s inappropriate or wrong here? ---
**Author:** ![ShibbOleth](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/848f3c/32.png) [@ShibbOleth](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/ShibbOleth)\ **Post date:** [June 23, 2009, 11:31am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/non-traditional-relationships-your-opinion/500693/10 "2009-06-23T11:31:40Z")
Dumb question from: what’s the difference between bisexual and pansexual? ---
**Author:** ![coremelt](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/c/4491bb/32.png) [@coremelt](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/coremelt)\ **Post date:** [June 23, 2009, 12:17pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/non-traditional-relationships-your-opinion/500693/11 "2009-06-23T12:17:48Z")
> [@Kalhoun](#): > > Why? This topic comes up all the time on the Straight Dope. Why do you think it’s inappropriate or wrong here? It’s certainly not inappropriate, I’m just not sure you’ll get many answers from people that have practical experience in polyamorous relationships which is what the OP is asking for. The discussions I’ve seen on here seem to be mostly theoretical. ---
**Author:** ![Nava](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/n/da6949/32.png) [@Nava](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Nava)\ **Post date:** [June 23, 2009, 1:37pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/non-traditional-relationships-your-opinion/500693/12 "2009-06-23T13:37:50Z")
> [@ShibbOleth](#): > > Dumb question from: what’s the difference between bisexual and pansexual? From the recent thread about “would you date/marry someone bisexual,” bisexual is interested in both male and female; pansexual adds to that transexuals in diverse stages, transvestites, etc. The idea isn’t so much that a pansexual will eat both meat and fish as that they don’t care what’s for dinner (as long as there’s something). ---
**Author:** ![TheMadEngineer](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/t/cc9497/32.png) [@TheMadEngineer](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/TheMadEngineer)\ **Post date:** [June 23, 2009, 2:07pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/non-traditional-relationships-your-opinion/500693/13 "2009-06-23T14:07:27Z")
> [@Nava](#): > > From the recent thread about “would you date/marry someone bisexual,” bisexual is interested in both male and female; pansexual adds to that transexuals in diverse stages, transvestites, etc. The idea isn’t so much that a pansexual will eat both meat and fish as that they don’t care what’s for dinner (as long as there’s something). A little nicer way of putting it is that to a pansexual, outward sex doesn’t matter as much as the person under the skin. ---
**Author:** ![ShibbOleth](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/848f3c/32.png) [@ShibbOleth](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/ShibbOleth)\ **Post date:** [June 23, 2009, 2:13pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/non-traditional-relationships-your-opinion/500693/14 "2009-06-23T14:13:40Z")
> [@TheMadEngineer](#): > > A little nicer way of putting it is that to a pansexual, outward sex doesn’t matter as much as the person under the skin. And in bisexuals this is not true? I always thought that was the point of being bisexual. I guess pansexual makes sense to me if you consider trans-persons as a third or separate gender. (sorry, I’m not as young as I used to be and I’m just trying to understand the distinctions, not pick apart choices) ---
**Author:** ![TheMadEngineer](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/t/cc9497/32.png) [@TheMadEngineer](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/TheMadEngineer)\ **Post date:** [June 23, 2009, 2:15pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/non-traditional-relationships-your-opinion/500693/15 "2009-06-23T14:15:08Z")
> [@ShibbOleth](#): > > And in bisexuals this is not true? I always thought that was the point of being bisexual. I guess pansexual makes sense to me if you consider trans-persons as a third or separate gender. > > (sorry, I’m not as young as I used to be and I’m just trying to understand the distinctions, not pick apart choices) I think there’s also more of a neutrality with regards to sexes implied in being pansexual, whereas with bisexual it’s acknowledged that one generally leans towards a particular sex more than the other. ---
**Author:** ![Maastricht](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/a88e57/32.png) [@Maastricht](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Maastricht)\ **Post date:** [June 23, 2009, 2:21pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/non-traditional-relationships-your-opinion/500693/16 "2009-06-23T14:21:10Z")
If you ask my opinion: go for it. Have fun, stay safe. There’s one thing I would warn you about, though. Althouth it is more about manners then about anything else. If you’re in an unusual relationship, it is easy to be rather vocal about it. Open, or perhaps, too open, bringing it up in unrelated conversations. Perhaps you feel a bit defensive about it, or so enthusiastic you want to shout it to the world at large. I know I did both things when \*I \*was in an open relationship. It is easy do determine yourself in terms of your unusual relationship, especially if you feel it is the most interesting aspect of you at the moment. And that places too much emphasis on it. And that is slightly in bad taste. Also, it makes people uncomfortable, as they would with anyone who shared too much personal information. And lastly, I bet you have lots more interesting aspects then just this relationship and sex-life. So, as long as you take care not bring up the subject with anyone you are eitehr trying to bed, or have known intimately for over a year, you shoudl be fine. 🙂 ---
**Author:** ![Malthus](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/85f322/32.png) [@Malthus](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Malthus)\ **Post date:** [June 23, 2009, 2:24pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/non-traditional-relationships-your-opinion/500693/17 "2009-06-23T14:24:36Z")
I’ve never done it, myself, but it sounds like a good time. My concern, since opinions have been requested, is that in my experience (admittedly limited and anecdotal) relationships attempting such things tend not to be terribly stable. They seem to go through two stages - the first in which everything is better than good, and both parties are having a wonderful time exploring sexual boundaries; and the second, characterized by jealousy, accusations that one person or the other is simply taking advantage, fighting. Of course, that happens with regular old monogamy as well … I suppose though that engaging in such activities can act as an amplifier for any _other_ issues or problems the relationship happens to have. ---
**Author:** ![Arachne](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/a/3ec8ea/32.png) [@Arachne](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Arachne)\ **Post date:** [June 23, 2009, 2:33pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/non-traditional-relationships-your-opinion/500693/18 "2009-06-23T14:33:39Z")
[QUOTE=ShibbOleth] Dumb question from: what’s the difference between bisexual and pansexual? [/QUOTE] [QUOTE=Nava] From the recent thread about “would you date/marry someone bisexual,” bisexual is interested in both male and female; pansexual adds to that transexuals in diverse stages, transvestites, etc. The idea isn’t so much that a pansexual will eat both meat and fish as that they don’t care what’s for dinner (as long as there’s something). [/QUOTE] [QUOTE=TheMadEngineer] A little nicer way of putting it is that to a pansexual, outward sex doesn’t matter as much as the person under the skin. [/QUOTE] Both **Nava** and **TME** are right, in the general sense. From [Wikipedia](http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Pansexual) (link may or may not be NSFW, depending on where you work. No pics, but content _is_ sexual in nature) [QUOTE=] Pansexuality, or omnisexuality is a sexual orientation characterized by the potential for aesthetic attraction, romantic love, or sexual desire for people, regardless of their gender identity or biological sex. Some pansexuals suggest that they are gender-blind; that gender and sex are insignificant or irrelevant in determining whether they will be sexually attracted to others. [/QUOTE] In short: gender don’t matter. In addition, for me, personally, I decided to define myself as pansexual because I believe that people exist along a continum, whether one is defining gender, sexuality, or, heck, even taste in music. So, if I were to define myself as ‘bisexual’, then that would imply that there are only two possible genders (as opposed to sex, which _is_ absolute and genetalia-dependant), which I don’t believe in. However, I will often use ‘bi’ as shorthand, depending on how much I feel like explaining that day. 🙂 [QUOTE=coremelt] read the book “The Ethical Slut” by Dossie and Easton for some good practical advice on how to avoid common problems. [/QUOTE] As has been mentioned, I do have this book, but actually havn’t finished reading it \>.\< ---
**Author:** ![Nava](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/n/da6949/32.png) [@Nava](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Nava)\ **Post date:** [June 23, 2009, 2:46pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/non-traditional-relationships-your-opinion/500693/19 "2009-06-23T14:46:46Z")
> [@ShibbOleth](#): > > And in bisexuals this is not true? I always thought that was the point of being bisexual. I guess pansexual makes sense to me if you consider trans-persons as a third or separate gender. > > (sorry, I’m not as young as I used to be and I’m just trying to understand the distinctions, not pick apart choices) The way I understand it is: someone who’s bisexual may be attracted to both Denzel Washington and Jessica Alba, but won’t be attracted to Jaye Davidson or to a transexual who’s in transition. Someone who’s pansexual is even _more_ open-minded than the bisexual. I’ve seen mentions in this board and other places of calling oneself “queer” to include things that are “outside the official sexual mainstream but not easily labeled.” Transexuals aren’t the same thing as transvestites and either of those can be gay, bi or straight - yet both are “outside the official sexual mainstream” (and boy is that a mouthful!). ---
**Author:** ![Arachne](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/a/3ec8ea/32.png) [@Arachne](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Arachne)\ **Post date:** [June 23, 2009, 2:51pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/non-traditional-relationships-your-opinion/500693/20 "2009-06-23T14:51:47Z")
[QUOTE=Maastricht] …If you’re in an unusual relationship, it is easy to be rather vocal about it. Open, or perhaps, too open, bringing it up in unrelated conversations…And that is slightly in bad taste. Also, it makes people uncomfortable, as they would with anyone who shared too much personal information. And lastly, I bet you have lots more interesting aspects then just this relationship and sex-life. So, as long as you take care not bring up the subject with anyone you are eitehr trying to bed, or have known intimately for over a year, you shoudl be fine. 🙂 [/QUOTE] This is actually a problem I personally have and have been working on fixing - it really doesn’t help that I tend to not notice/care when I am making other people uncomfortable, and I am very long-winded to boot. [QUOTE=Malthus] My concern, since opinions have been requested, is that in my experience (admittedly limited and anecdotal) relationships attempting such things tend not to be terribly stable. They seem to go through two stages - the first in which everything is better than good, and both parties are having a wonderful time exploring sexual boundaries; and the second, characterized by jealousy, accusations that one person or the other is simply taking advantage, fighting. Of course, that happens with regular old monogamy as well … I suppose though that engaging in such activities can act as an amplifier for any _other_ issues or problems the relationship happens to have. [/QUOTE] Like **TheMadEngineer** said, we’re going into this with eyes wide open - we know that one or both of us will probably get jealous at some point, or at multiple points. We both believe in the power of open communication - I think that alone will nip any problems in the bud. Also, regarding the transexual bit of the pansexual equation, it’s not really something that matters to me. Really, truly, gender is not a factor in whether or not I’m attracted to someone. I dunno if that makes me more “open minded”, though. It’s just the way I’m wired. [Next page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/non-traditional-relationships-your-opinion/500693.md?page=2)