# Norm! **URL:** \ **Category:** Cafe Society\ **Created:** [June 16, 2005, 5:16pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/norm/308578 "2005-06-16T17:16:45Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 20\ **Page:** 1
**Author:** ![tdn](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/t/94ad74/32.png) [@tdn](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/tdn)\ **Post date:** [June 16, 2005, 5:16pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/norm/308578/1 "2005-06-16T17:16:45Z")
This thread is pretty self-explanatory. I’ll get you started: _beeeeeep_ “Hi, you’ve reached Cheers. No one is here to take your call right now, so at the beep please leave your name, number, and a message.” _beeeeeep_ “Hi Sam, it’s Diane. I just called to say I love you. Bye.” _beeeeeep_ “Hi Sam, it’s Woody. We’re out of cocktail napkins and we need to order more pickles. Oh, and I have a message from Diane. I love you. Bye Sam.” _beeeeeep_ “Hi Sam, it’s Woody again. When I said I love you, that was a message from Diane. I don’t love you. Well, bye Sam.” _beeeeeep_ “Hi Sam, it’s Woody. Don’t get me wrong, I think you’re a really great guy and all, OK? Bye Sam.” _beeeeeep_ “Sam? It’s Woody. I’ve been thinking about it, and I really do love ya, man.” ---
**Author:** ![Hal\_Briston](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/h/a9a28c/32.png) [@Hal\_Briston](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Hal_Briston)\ **Post date:** [June 16, 2005, 5:25pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/norm/308578/2 "2005-06-16T17:25:35Z")
“Women! Can’t live with 'em…pass the beer nuts.” ---
**Author:** ![tdn](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/t/94ad74/32.png) [@tdn](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/tdn)\ **Post date:** [June 16, 2005, 5:31pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/norm/308578/3 "2005-06-16T17:31:16Z")
“I’m getting free plastic surgery, but I can’t decide what to get.” “Excuse me, Miss Howe, but I think you’re just about perfect the way God made you.” “Why thank you, Woody! But I do need to decide on something.” “Oh, then in that case, your boobs.” “Thank you, Woody.” :rolleyes: “No, thank _you_!” ---
**Author:** ![Ethilrist](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/ethilrist/32/4604_2.png) [@Ethilrist](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Ethilrist)\ **Post date:** [June 16, 2005, 5:33pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/norm/308578/4 "2005-06-16T17:33:49Z")
“Norm! How’s life treating you?” “Like he caught me in bed with his wife.” ---
**Author:** ![JohnT](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/johnt/32/15048_2.png) [@JohnT](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/JohnT)\ **Post date:** [June 16, 2005, 5:36pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/norm/308578/5 "2005-06-16T17:36:17Z")
“It’s a dog-eat-dog world and I’m wearing Milk-Bone underwear.” ---
**Author:** ![tdn](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/t/94ad74/32.png) [@tdn](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/tdn)\ **Post date:** [June 16, 2005, 5:36pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/norm/308578/6 "2005-06-16T17:36:25Z")
“Norm!” “What’s the story, Mr. Peterson?” “Boy meets beer, boy drinks beer, boy gets another beer.” ---
**Author:** ![Sean\_Factotum](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/50afbb/32.png) [@Sean\_Factotum](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Sean_Factotum)\ **Post date:** [June 16, 2005, 5:39pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/norm/308578/7 "2005-06-16T17:39:52Z")
“Who are three people who have never been in my kitchen?” ---
**Author:** ![Scarlett67](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/scarlett67/32/7387_2.png) [@Scarlett67](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Scarlett67)\ **Post date:** [June 16, 2005, 5:42pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/norm/308578/8 "2005-06-16T17:42:23Z")
“Norm!” “How about a beer, Mr. Peterson?” “It’s a little early for that, isn’t it, Woody?” “For a beer?” “No, for asking stupid questions.” * * * “You ARE Spanky, aren’t you?” :: raises glass :: ---
**Author:** ![tdn](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/t/94ad74/32.png) [@tdn](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/tdn)\ **Post date:** [June 16, 2005, 5:49pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/norm/308578/9 "2005-06-16T17:49:48Z")
“Beer, Norm?” “OK, but I have a big day tomorrow. Stop me at one. Ah, what the hell. Make it one-thirty.” ---
**Author:** ![Smeghead](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/f1d935/32.png) [@Smeghead](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Smeghead)\ **Post date:** [June 16, 2005, 6:05pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/norm/308578/10 "2005-06-16T18:05:16Z")
“Mmmm, food! My favorite!” ---
**Author:** ![tdn](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/t/94ad74/32.png) [@tdn](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/tdn)\ **Post date:** [June 16, 2005, 6:12pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/norm/308578/11 "2005-06-16T18:12:05Z")
“I know how you feel, Sam. Sometimes I just want to wrap my hands around her neck and squeeze, squeeze, until I choke the life out of her, and there’s nothing left but a lifeless corpse. And I’m a trained psychotherapist!” ---
**Author:** ![Max\_Carnage](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/max_carnage/32/12775_2.png) [@Max\_Carnage](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Max_Carnage)\ **Post date:** [June 16, 2005, 6:28pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/norm/308578/12 "2005-06-16T18:28:53Z")
“What’s shakin’, Mr. Peterson?” “All four cheeks and a couple of chins.” ---
**Author:** ![Don\_Draper](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/d/b2d939/32.png) [@Don\_Draper](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Don_Draper)\ **Post date:** [June 16, 2005, 6:38pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/norm/308578/13 "2005-06-16T18:38:25Z")
Diane: Sam Malone, I hate you with the white hot passion of a thousand super-novas. Sam: Gee, it’s funny how you so often compare me with a super-nova. * * * Sam: And you think you can a date for this party better than me? Rebecca: (a little _too_ loudly) Blind-folded, gagged and with both hands tied behind my back! (turns to see the whole bar staring at her) We were just talking about a party this Saturday night. Carla: Sammy! Where is it, and what time should I be there? * * * And Cliff Clavin’s definition of DNA: “Dames Not Aggressive” ---
**Author:** ![tdn](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/t/94ad74/32.png) [@tdn](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/tdn)\ **Post date:** [June 16, 2005, 6:47pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/norm/308578/14 "2005-06-16T18:47:41Z")
Sam and Diane were in a life and death situation, in which they finally admit their feelings for each other. Sam said something like “You are the only woman I ever loved, and I will love you forever.” Later, back safe in the bar… “Goodnight, Sam. Oh, and about that little conversation we had earlier? I think we should just forget that it ever happened.” “Hey, what conversation, right? Heh heh.” “The conversation where you said I was only woman you ever loved, and that you will love me forever.” ---
**Author:** ![tdn](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/t/94ad74/32.png) [@tdn](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/tdn)\ **Post date:** [June 16, 2005, 6:56pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/norm/308578/15 "2005-06-16T18:56:01Z")
“I am a Rhodes Scholar.” “Wow, doctor Crane, you’re a Rhodes Scholar?” “That’s right, Woody, I am.” “Then can you answer a question for me?” “I’ll try.” “How come the stuff they use to fill in the potholes is darker than the rest of the road?” “I don’t know, Woody, I must have been out that day.” ---
**Author:** ![Mollie\_Magill](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/mollie_magill/32/20882_2.png) [@Mollie\_Magill](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Mollie_Magill)\ **Post date:** [June 16, 2005, 7:06pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/norm/308578/16 "2005-06-16T19:06:21Z")
There was an episode where most of the action was taking plce in the office while there was discussion regarding the old Roadrunner cartoons out at the bar. At one point the door from the office into the bar opens and you heard Fraizer screaming: “The Coyote was NOT the anti-christ!” ---
**Author:** ![Joe\_Mahma](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/j/5daacb/32.png) [@Joe\_Mahma](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Joe_Mahma)\ **Post date:** [June 16, 2005, 7:18pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/norm/308578/17 "2005-06-16T19:18:05Z")
“Norm! How’s life treating you?” “Like a baby treats a diaper.” ---
**Author:** ![tdn](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/t/94ad74/32.png) [@tdn](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/tdn)\ **Post date:** [June 16, 2005, 7:30pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/norm/308578/18 "2005-06-16T19:30:24Z")
Woody was in a play, but he didn’t tell Kelly, who didn’t understand that sort of thing. She thought it was a lowly and disgraceful thing. Woody had a love scene with an actress, but he just couldn’t put his heart into it. The actress tried to inspire him by kissing him in a very sexy way. Kelly walked in on this. Kelly: "Oh, I get it now! You say you have to work late every night, you never call me anymore, and now I find you in the arms of another woman? You’re in a play, aren’t you? Woody: “No, no, maybe I’m just having an affair!” ---
**Author:** ![Enright3](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/enright3/32/2897_2.png) [@Enright3](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Enright3)\ **Post date:** [June 16, 2005, 7:59pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/norm/308578/19 "2005-06-16T19:59:55Z")
“What would you say to a beer Normie?” “Daddy wuvs you.” My all time favorite though is when the Cheers gang goes bowling. Norm goes off for a beer, and in the background you hear “NORM!!!”. Sam asks incredulously “They know him here?” to which Cliff replies so matter-of-factly: “Geez Sammy, the guy’s got a life you know.” That may not be exactly right, but you get the gist. Cracks me up every time. E3 ---
**Author:** ![Mollie\_Magill](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/mollie_magill/32/20882_2.png) [@Mollie\_Magill](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Mollie_Magill)\ **Post date:** [June 16, 2005, 8:22pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/norm/308578/20 "2005-06-16T20:22:03Z")
Rebecca is having the bar appriased and Cliff is there being, well, Cliff. The appraiser asks: App: “Does the Mailman come with the bar?” Reb: “Well…” App: “I’ll run the numbers both ways, and see how it works out.” Earlier in the scene: App (pointing to the floor by the corner of the bar): What caused this massive depression in the floor here? Norm comes out of the john and resumes his spot. App: “Ah” [Next page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/norm/308578.md?page=2)