# Not Coming To A Theater Near You **URL:** \ **Category:** Cafe Society\ **Created:** [November 7, 2009, 11:23pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/not-coming-to-a-theater-near-you/516742 "2009-11-07T23:23:39Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 20\ **Page:** 2
**Author:** ![Serenata67](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/serenata67/32/10646_2.png) [@Serenata67](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Serenata67)\ **Post date:** [November 11, 2009, 1:33pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/not-coming-to-a-theater-near-you/516742/21 "2009-11-11T13:33:51Z")
**De Ugly Truf** - an aesthetically challenged woman gets her missing teeth fixed and learns the truth about beauty. **The Dork Night** - to put it simply: _Revenge of the Nerds_ meets _Night of the Living Dead_ \*\* It’s a Blunderful Life\*\* - Jimmy Stewart’s personal gag reel ---
**Author:** ![KRC](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/k/45deac/32.png) [@KRC](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/KRC)\ **Post date:** [November 11, 2009, 2:19pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/not-coming-to-a-theater-near-you/516742/22 "2009-11-11T14:19:16Z")
**Star Whores:** Pimps Luke Streetwalker and Han Hung-Low must save the beautiful ho Princess Lay from Darth Vegas’ giant space casino. **Snow Falling on Speeders:** Sammy Hagar gets lost in a blizzard. ---
**Author:** ![furryman](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/furryman/32/99_2.png) [@furryman](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/furryman)\ **Post date:** [November 11, 2009, 5:48pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/not-coming-to-a-theater-near-you/516742/23 "2009-11-11T17:48:21Z")
> [@Icarus](#): > > **Girls Gone Where the Wild Things Are** - Hand held video of topless drunken furries. Tease 😃 Up Yours: Irascible yet lovable old man becomes simply irascible. ---
**Author:** ![want2know](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/w/50afbb/32.png) [@want2know](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/want2know)\ **Post date:** [November 11, 2009, 7:14pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/not-coming-to-a-theater-near-you/516742/24 "2009-11-11T19:14:09Z")
**The Santa Claws** –St. Nick gets killed by Larry Talbot, who must now take over as Santa. And guess what night the full moon falls on? **National Treasure: Book of Seacrest** –Ben Gates follows arcane clues which lead to the secret lair where the _American Idol_ winners are _really_ chosen. **Inglourious Passwords** –Special military unit goes undercover to pursue and violently dispatch phishers and identity thieves. ---
**Author:** ![Zebra](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/z/c0e974/32.png) [@Zebra](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Zebra)\ **Post date:** [November 11, 2009, 9:31pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/not-coming-to-a-theater-near-you/516742/25 "2009-11-11T21:31:14Z")
**The Land Before Tim** - In a world with Tim, can baby dinosaurs be obnoxiously cute for 70 minutes? ---
**Author:** ![Johnny\_Q](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/j/898d66/32.png) [@Johnny\_Q](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Johnny_Q)\ **Post date:** [November 11, 2009, 9:34pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/not-coming-to-a-theater-near-you/516742/26 "2009-11-11T21:34:20Z")
**Sphagnum Force:** Dirty Harry investigates the cutthroat world of the black market peat moss trade. Rated G: Only gardeners will be admitted. ---
**Author:** ![KneadToKnow](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/kneadtoknow/32/3999_2.png) [@KneadToKnow](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/KneadToKnow)\ **Post date:** [November 11, 2009, 9:48pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/not-coming-to-a-theater-near-you/516742/27 "2009-11-11T21:48:42Z")
**The Lost of Sheila** James Coburn takes a bunch of friends out to an island in the Mediterranean and then, as a true act of revenge, simply abandons them there. ---
**Author:** ![tanstaafl](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/t/ba8739/32.png) [@tanstaafl](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/tanstaafl)\ **Post date:** [November 11, 2009, 10:44pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/not-coming-to-a-theater-near-you/516742/28 "2009-11-11T22:44:07Z")
> [@Elendil\_s\_Heir](#): > > _2013_: The year after the world ends… the adventure _really_ begins! [You know that one is real, don’t you](http://io9.com/5398037/roland-emmerich-on-2012-sequel-its-lost-meets-district-9)? ---
**Author:** ![Elendil\_s\_Heir](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/e/7cd45c/32.png) [@Elendil\_s\_Heir](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Elendil_s_Heir)\ **Post date:** [November 11, 2009, 10:45pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/not-coming-to-a-theater-near-you/516742/29 "2009-11-11T22:45:14Z")
_Casablancan’t_ - Rick has an embarrassing moment when he finally gets Ilsa in the sack. _Unbreakable Morant_ - Australian warrior/poet squares off against an evil genius who likes to wreck trains. _The Uncredibles_ - Far-too-farfetched screenplay dooms this Pixar superhero flick. _Citizen Crane_ - Kelsey Grammer plays a ruthless newspaper tycoon who yearns for the innocent pleasures of childhood. _Four Kings_ - The feuding children of the Rev. Dr. Martin Luther King Jr. decide to bond by joining the Army together, but run into more than they can handle in the deserts of Iraq. ( **tanstaafl** , no, I didn’t know that, but I can’t say I’m surprised…) ---
**Author:** ![Malleus\_Incus\_Stapes](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/malleus_incus_stapes/32/3293_2.png) [@Malleus\_Incus\_Stapes](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Malleus_Incus_Stapes)\ **Post date:** [November 11, 2009, 10:59pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/not-coming-to-a-theater-near-you/516742/30 "2009-11-11T22:59:26Z")
> [@Hampshire](#): > > _Normal Activity_: Neighbors think strange things are happeing in a young married couple’s new home. The couple sets up cameras to prove them wrong and the neighbors apologize. [And here’s your poster from the fun folks at Worth1000.](http://fx.worth1000.com/entries/564452/normal-activity) > [@wedgehed](#): > > **Shaving Ryan’s Privates** - a crack team of hospital orderlies must prepare a reluctant patient for an appendectomy. [And one for you, too, albeit with a misplaced apostrophe](http://fx.worth1000.com/entries/564192/shaving-ryan-s-private-s). ---
**Author:** ![Johnny\_Q](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/j/898d66/32.png) [@Johnny\_Q](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Johnny_Q)\ **Post date:** [November 12, 2009, 2:20am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/not-coming-to-a-theater-near-you/516742/31 "2009-11-12T02:20:55Z")
**Snitch:** An Irish Gypsy decides to rat out his co-conspirators, but nobody understands what he’s trying to say. Rated PG: Pikey Gibberish **Rash Man:** Everybody has their own story as to how a man got a certain infection. ---
**Author:** ![Serenata67](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/serenata67/32/10646_2.png) [@Serenata67](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Serenata67)\ **Post date:** [November 12, 2009, 2:49am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/not-coming-to-a-theater-near-you/516742/32 "2009-11-12T02:49:09Z")
**My Bloody Valentine** - a romantic evening was ruined by Aunt Flo coming into town. **Confessions of a Pornaholic** - shot entirely by webcam!! **37 Again** - the sequel to 17 again, when he realizes that not everything gets fixed by magical time travel. **The Han Soloist** - After the hero’s descent into madness due to PTSD, he lightsaber fights in the subways… by himself. **Afflecks & Damons** - Matt and Ben search for clues left by the Illuminati in Rome after their good buddy, Kevin Smith, is found murdered. ---
**Author:** ![wedgehed](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/w/8edcca/32.png) [@wedgehed](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/wedgehed)\ **Post date:** [November 12, 2009, 7:12am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/not-coming-to-a-theater-near-you/516742/33 "2009-11-12T07:12:30Z")
**Gown With The Wind** - The hoop-skirts billow as a southern belle repels Yankee invaders - & the man she loves - with her turnip induced flatulence. **A Beautiful Mime** - A university professor wins the Nobel prize despite alienating everyone he meets with his “trapped in a box” routine. **JEWS** - A seaside WASP community is threatened by the arrival of an unwelcome visitor with a taste for gefilte fish. ---
**Author:** ![Johnny\_Q](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/j/898d66/32.png) [@Johnny\_Q](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Johnny_Q)\ **Post date:** [November 12, 2009, 8:02pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/not-coming-to-a-theater-near-you/516742/34 "2009-11-12T20:02:31Z")
**BATSMAN:** A troubled cricket player sets off to defend the world from the machinations of the evil Sticky Wicket Gang. ---
**Author:** ![TBG](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/t/c89c15/32.png) [@TBG](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/TBG)\ **Post date:** [November 13, 2009, 12:29am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/not-coming-to-a-theater-near-you/516742/35 "2009-11-13T00:29:35Z")
**Night of the Living** : Some people hang out in a farm house. Followed by\*\* Dawn of the Living\*\* (people hang out at a mall), **Day of the Living** (people hang out in a military bunker), **Land of the Living** (people hang out in a city, with a bus, and are mesmerized by fireworks for no previously established reason), and **Diary of the Living** (a semi-reboot about how people hanging out are obsessed with always being on camera). ---
**Author:** ![KRC](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/k/45deac/32.png) [@KRC](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/KRC)\ **Post date:** [November 13, 2009, 1:02am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/not-coming-to-a-theater-near-you/516742/36 "2009-11-13T01:02:25Z")
**Animal Louse:** Dean Wormer can take out pinworms, roundworms, and hookworms, but he’s no match for a zany group of bloodsucking insects. **Blue Velveeta:** How long can processed cheez remain in the refrigerator before it is unsafe to eat? ---
**Author:** ![Johnny\_Q](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/j/898d66/32.png) [@Johnny\_Q](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Johnny_Q)\ **Post date:** [November 13, 2009, 1:10am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/not-coming-to-a-theater-near-you/516742/37 "2009-11-13T01:10:00Z")
**Byrne Before Reading:** The former Talking Heads frontman goes to the bookstore. ---
**Author:** ![Sampiro](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/2acd7d/32.png) [@Sampiro](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Sampiro)\ **Post date:** [November 13, 2009, 1:25am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/not-coming-to-a-theater-near-you/516742/38 "2009-11-13T01:25:28Z")
> [@wedgehed](#): > > **JEWS** - A seaside WASP community is threatened by the arrival of an unwelcome visitor with a taste for gefilte fish. Just when you thought it was safe to go back to the Chinese buffet… ICE AGE OF THE CAVE BEAR- Manny (Ray Romano) and Ellie (Queen Latifah) and their children survive starvation as their former fields of sustenance retract only to be killed and cut up for food and clothing by a brilliant cavewoman (Darryl Hannah) and her half Neanderthal child (Billy Bob Thornton) HARRY POTTER AND THE BLOODY HALF PRINCE- Harry meets Prince Harry and accidentally vivisects him with a misfired ‘sectumsempra’ curse and is sentenced by Dumbledore to go on a fool’s errand with the disemboweled royal playboy (who still manages to score with the ladies). JULIE AND JULIET- a depressed modern day cubicle worker and blogger decides to gain popularity and self discovery by entering a damned-from-the-get-go relationship with a spoiled Italian kid that ends up with zany misunderstandings and a double suicide honeymoon. JULES AND JULIA- a former hitman from Los Angeles (Samuel Jackson, Jr.) who has given up his career to “wander the earth like Caine” decides to gain popularity and self discovery by following recipe for recipe from Julia Child’s cookbook. Hilarity ensues when the seasonings syringe for duck breast gets mixed up with a shot of adrenoline on the night the Times food critic drops by. ---
**Author:** ![Sampiro](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/2acd7d/32.png) [@Sampiro](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Sampiro)\ **Post date:** [November 13, 2009, 1:33am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/not-coming-to-a-theater-near-you/516742/39 "2009-11-13T01:33:42Z")
THE PRINCESS SEX TAPES- The Queen (Julie Andrews) must decide whether to declare war or pay up when the CIA proves to her that diaries weren’t the only confidential records her granddaughter the Princess (Anne Hathaway) brought from America. UP GOLDEN POND- A cranky old man in a balloon powered house (Ed Asner) finds romance when his house lands on a New England lake with a cranky free spirited widow named Ethel (the late Katharine Hepburn), but love takes complications when his dog Doug attacks and scars Ethel’s self absorbed daughter (Jane Fonda). ---
**Author:** ![Askance](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/askance/32/8281_2.png) [@Askance](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Askance)\ **Post date:** [November 13, 2009, 2:57am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/not-coming-to-a-theater-near-you/516742/40 "2009-11-13T02:57:31Z")
\*\*Burn Before Reading \*\*- the little-known third Coen Brother’s first and last attempt at a major movie. Runs 3 minutes, including titles. [Previous page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/not-coming-to-a-theater-near-you/516742.md?page=1) [Next page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/not-coming-to-a-theater-near-you/516742.md?page=3)