# Not Coming To A Theater Near You **URL:** \ **Category:** Cafe Society\ **Created:** [November 7, 2009, 11:23pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/not-coming-to-a-theater-near-you/516742 "2009-11-07T23:23:39Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 20\ **Page:** 5
**Author:** ![wedgehed](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/w/8edcca/32.png) [@wedgehed](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/wedgehed)\ **Post date:** [November 16, 2009, 9:04pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/not-coming-to-a-theater-near-you/516742/81 "2009-11-16T21:04:15Z")
**Mary Queen of Scottsdale** - After leaving Arizona for the bright lights of San Francisco, a drag performer is miffed to find that his act isn’t all that & a bag of chips. ---
**Author:** ![Johnny\_Q](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/j/898d66/32.png) [@Johnny\_Q](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Johnny_Q)\ **Post date:** [November 16, 2009, 10:26pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/not-coming-to-a-theater-near-you/516742/82 "2009-11-16T22:26:17Z")
**Forks(10) From Navarone:** An antiques dealer tries to sell silverware from a destroyed Nazi fortress. ---
**Author:** ![wedgehed](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/w/8edcca/32.png) [@wedgehed](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/wedgehed)\ **Post date:** [November 16, 2009, 11:02pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/not-coming-to-a-theater-near-you/516742/83 "2009-11-16T23:02:56Z")
**Edwood** - A vicious saloon owner’s plan to rule a frontier town is threatened by the arrival of a transvestite & his army of cheesy flying saucers & Bela Lugosi impersonators. Starring Boris Karloff as the Limey Cocksucker. ---
**Author:** ![YogSothoth](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/y/8edcca/32.png) [@YogSothoth](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/YogSothoth)\ **Post date:** [November 16, 2009, 11:26pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/not-coming-to-a-theater-near-you/516742/84 "2009-11-16T23:26:31Z")
**Peter Pan’s Labyrinth:** A dark tale about a child who encounters a mystical boy, only to be trapped in his pedophilic labyrinth. **Aliens vs. Predators:** Illegal immigrants face off against child molestors in a battle to decide who gets to be given a new identity and move to an unsuspecting American town. **How the Grinch stole Ramadan:** A vile Grinch whose heart was two sizes too small attempts to steal the holy month of Ramadan from Muslims who promptly declare a fatwa and tries to kill the infidel with IEDs and suicide bombers. \*\*Pianist on the Roof: \*\*Tevye, a poor milkman with five daughters, tries to marry them off according to tradition but a piano falls from the roof and kills him. \*\*The Nine Commandments: \*\*Having chiseled out the commandment about adultery, Moses brings the tablets down to the Jews who promptly have an orgy. This film is rated NC-17. ---
**Author:** ![Sampiro](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/2acd7d/32.png) [@Sampiro](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Sampiro)\ **Post date:** [November 16, 2009, 11:50pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/not-coming-to-a-theater-near-you/516742/85 "2009-11-16T23:50:15Z")
**Dude Where’s My I-Carly?** - a caper comedy in which Ashton Kutcher makes a date with an inappropriately younger girl he meets on her computer show and then can’t remember where he laid her. ---
**Author:** ![YogSothoth](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/y/8edcca/32.png) [@YogSothoth](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/YogSothoth)\ **Post date:** [November 17, 2009, 12:41am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/not-coming-to-a-theater-near-you/516742/86 "2009-11-17T00:41:45Z")
I love this thread! 😃 **Bill Bill:** A cable company sends its deadliest assassins after the leader of another assassination group in an effort to get payment for his monthly services. \*\*Sex with the City: \*\*Four aging cougars, after having exhausted their supply of men, set their sights on the city of New York, no really, the actual CITY. They start having sex with trees, fire hydrants, telephon poles, anything vaguely phallic. **Land of the Found:** A scientist stumbles upon another dimension where all lost things go and gets promptly buried in socks. To his horror, none of them have a corresponding match. \*\*Oliver Stone’s Dixon: \*\*A biopic about the rise and fall of the 8th Santa’s reindeer. Born last in a litter of 8, then overshadowed by the nose of Rudolph, Dixon blazes a path to become top reindeer only to have his pride and vices bring him down after secretly breaking into Santa’s Toy Workshop and stealing the plans for his own glowing nose. **Ehud and Abdul go to Whitecastle:** A buddy comedy about a Jew and a Muslim trying to satisfy their midnight post-fast hunger at Whitecastle, despite the fact that neither one of them eats pork. **Friday the 14th:** An unremarkable day passes unremarkably. A guy in a hockey mask shoplifts and gets caught. Two teenagers have sex at a summer camp and the girl gets pregnant. A witch trying to summon evil spirits to inhabit the body of her infant son has an epiphany and converts to a Pentacostal. **Snow White and the Seven Little People:** A retelling of the classic story in politically correct terms. The dwarves are now little people. Snow White is now Snow of Mixed Descent. The wicked stepmother is now a misunderstood former beauty queen simply trying to recapture her glory days. And the dwarves (little people) stopped mining for blood diamonds and now work for the post office. ---
**Author:** ![Johnny\_Q](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/j/898d66/32.png) [@Johnny\_Q](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Johnny_Q)\ **Post date:** [November 17, 2009, 2:01am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/not-coming-to-a-theater-near-you/516742/87 "2009-11-17T02:01:07Z")
**The Pretty OK Seven:** A group of hired gunfighters has a crisis of self esteem. Special guest star Al Franken is the Masked Therapist. ---
**Author:** ![furryman](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/furryman/32/99_2.png) [@furryman](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/furryman)\ **Post date:** [November 17, 2009, 2:09am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/not-coming-to-a-theater-near-you/516742/88 "2009-11-17T02:09:36Z")
Ninja Nice Guys: (As opposed to Ninja Assassins.) Mysterious people dressed in black secretly do good deeds. !Kung Fu: Kalahari tribesman wanders the wild west. ---
**Author:** ![wedgehed](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/w/8edcca/32.png) [@wedgehed](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/wedgehed)\ **Post date:** [November 17, 2009, 2:13am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/not-coming-to-a-theater-near-you/516742/89 "2009-11-17T02:13:34Z")
**The Life Of Dorothy Gale** - With his client awaiting execution for dropping a house on an elderly woman, a mentally challenged attorney puzzles over new evidence that could mean the difference between life & death for a goldbricking Kansas runaway. **Romper Stomper Room** - Rowdy Australian preschoolers terrorize the playroom with their sugar fueled tantrums. ---
**Author:** ![Cincoflex](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/c/c2a13f/32.png) [@Cincoflex](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Cincoflex)\ **Post date:** [November 17, 2009, 3:27am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/not-coming-to-a-theater-near-you/516742/90 "2009-11-17T03:27:06Z")
small time thief steals a classic car and picks up a gay detective along the way–Kiss, Kiss, Chitty Bang, Bang ---
**Author:** ![MadTheSwine](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/9fc29f/32.png) [@MadTheSwine](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/MadTheSwine)\ **Post date:** [November 17, 2009, 4:42am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/not-coming-to-a-theater-near-you/516742/91 "2009-11-17T04:42:05Z")
**The Hi! Lander** - A friendly Immortal gets his head chopped off. **Se8en** -A failed sequel **The Barge on the River Kwai** -POW’s attempt to build a boat. ---
**Author:** ![Serenata67](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/serenata67/32/10646_2.png) [@Serenata67](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Serenata67)\ **Post date:** [November 17, 2009, 1:01pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/not-coming-to-a-theater-near-you/516742/92 "2009-11-17T13:01:44Z")
My Hitchcock Edition… **Psych-out** - a search for a missing woman who stopped at the Bates Motel concludes with her popping out of the shower, telling everyone she was just taking a mental health break. **Number 17 Again** - Zac Efron plays Det. Barton in this retelling of a Hitchcock caper classic, with one new twist… Barton is only 17 because of a magic time travel spell! \*\*Up!hill \*\*- We discover that Hitchcock’s hero Roddy Berwich, after resuming his life of privilege, becomes a cranky old man who wants to fly around in a house lifted by balloons. ---
**Author:** ![ajdebosco](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/a/ecd19e/32.png) [@ajdebosco](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/ajdebosco)\ **Post date:** [November 17, 2009, 3:17pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/not-coming-to-a-theater-near-you/516742/93 "2009-11-17T15:17:25Z")
> [@Serenata67](#): > > My Hitchcock Edition… **De Boids** Set in the Wildwoods of Joisey, the most terrifying events unfold. Robert Blake as Mitch Brenner Rosie Perez stars as Melanie Daniels Fran Drescher plays Annie Heyworth and a special appearance by the late Ruth Gordon as Lydia Brenner. All the Brooklyn accents in the world can’t stop the horror of Mother Nature gone mad. ---
**Author:** ![Elendil\_s\_Heir](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/e/7cd45c/32.png) [@Elendil\_s\_Heir](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Elendil_s_Heir)\ **Post date:** [November 17, 2009, 3:21pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/not-coming-to-a-theater-near-you/516742/94 "2009-11-17T15:21:40Z")
_A Fistful of Euros_ - A grizzled American gunslinger-turned-currency-trader is frustrated by the dollar’s weakness in contemporary money markets. _The Godmother_ - A heartwarming retelling of Mario Puzo’s classic, as Donna Corleone “makes them a lasagna they can’t refuse.” _Guerillas in the Mist_ - A plucky scientist tries to protect an endangered band of Marxist revolutionaries. _Stand and Deliverance_ - An idealistic math teacher finds more than he bargained for when he takes up his new post in rural Georgia. _Se6en_ - A failed prequel ---
**Author:** ![Shot\_From\_Guns](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/ccd318/32.png) [@Shot\_From\_Guns](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Shot_From_Guns)\ **Post date:** [November 17, 2009, 3:48pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/not-coming-to-a-theater-near-you/516742/95 "2009-11-17T15:48:57Z")
**Ei8ht**. A man who believes himself to be the second coming of Jesus lives out the Beatitudes. ---
**Author:** ![Swallowed\_My\_Cellphone](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/9d8465/32.png) [@Swallowed\_My\_Cellphone](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Swallowed_My_Cellphone)\ **Post date:** [November 17, 2009, 5:47pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/not-coming-to-a-theater-near-you/516742/96 "2009-11-17T17:47:27Z")
**The Taking of Phlegm 123** : New York City subway dispatcher has a bad cold and a disgusting hanky in his pocket. ---
**Author:** ![YogSothoth](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/y/8edcca/32.png) [@YogSothoth](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/YogSothoth)\ **Post date:** [November 18, 2009, 12:42am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/not-coming-to-a-theater-near-you/516742/97 "2009-11-18T00:42:29Z")
\*\*The Fifth Sense: \*\*A precocious child mysteriously tastes flavors that only he can detect. **What’s Happening?:** A teacher investigates the disappearance of a once-great filmmaker’s career after people start committing suicide after watching his films. \*\* The Bourne Appendicitis:\*\* A secret agent unsure of his past, with no proof of his real identity, tries to get a doctor to look at his inflamed appendix but ends up navigating the winding beauracracies of the deadly national health care system. \*\*The Wizards of Oz: \*\*Inmates in a maximum security prison try to escape and return home by dressing up as a scarecrow, using a tin man to cut the chain link fence, and hiding in the belly of a hollowed out lion corpse. \*\*Harry Potter and the Paternity Hearing: \*\*Dumbledore presides over the custody battle between Harry and Hermione’s illegitimate child. **The Priest of Notre Dame:** A pedophile claims sanctuary in a Catholic church to avoid prison by becoming a priest. Based on a true story. ---
**Author:** ![Johnny\_Q](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/j/898d66/32.png) [@Johnny\_Q](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Johnny_Q)\ **Post date:** [November 18, 2009, 1:09am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/not-coming-to-a-theater-near-you/516742/98 "2009-11-18T01:09:38Z")
**Coolie High:** In the mid 1800s at a school for Chinese laborers, A wisecracking kid turns the institution upside down. Rated R: Quite possibly racist. **Sweet Fatback’s Badass Ribs:** A hustler tries to rise to the top of the Barbecue game Rated R: Most Definitely racist ---
**Author:** ![Elendil\_s\_Heir](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/e/7cd45c/32.png) [@Elendil\_s\_Heir](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Elendil_s_Heir)\ **Post date:** [November 18, 2009, 2:35am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/not-coming-to-a-theater-near-you/516742/99 "2009-11-18T02:35:04Z")
_The Day the Earth Rotated at Slightly Less Than Its Normal Speed_ - NASA uses a gravity-assist maneuver to send a space probe to Pluto, without incident. _I, Rowboat_ - A cybernetic watercraft malfunctions in interesting ways. _Childhood’s End of Days_ - Benevolent aliens are baffled by Satan’s plan to rule humanity. _Stare Wars_ - Luke and Leia, bored on a long trip to a distant star system, invent a game and try to see who will blink first. _Closet Encounters of the Third Kind_ - Blue-collar Indiana man realizes aliens aren’t signaling him; he’s just gay. ---
**Author:** ![Crowbar\_of\_Irony\_3](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/c/f08c70/32.png) [@Crowbar\_of\_Irony\_3](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Crowbar_of_Irony_3)\ **Post date:** [November 18, 2009, 7:09am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/not-coming-to-a-theater-near-you/516742/100 "2009-11-18T07:09:01Z")
**The Phantom Mantis** : Giant insectiod on a desert planet causes so much problems that Jedi Knights are called in. **Snakes on a Plane** : Experiment where snakes are put on a flat glass plane goes wrong. **The Two Towels** : Inspirational story about two old towels used by a poor family and how they ended up in the trashes. **Iron Mane** : In the future, a lion with cybernetic hair fights evil super-heroes [Previous page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/not-coming-to-a-theater-near-you/516742.md?page=4) [Next page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/not-coming-to-a-theater-near-you/516742.md?page=6)