# Not dating women with kids? Am I being stupid? **URL:** \ **Category:** Great Debates\ **Created:** [November 17, 2003, 5:32pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/not-dating-women-with-kids-am-i-being-stupid/213727 "2003-11-17T17:32:12Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 20\ **Page:** 2
**Author:** ![Zoe](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/z/a4c791/32.png) [@Zoe](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Zoe)\ **Post date:** [November 17, 2003, 11:17pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/not-dating-women-with-kids-am-i-being-stupid/213727/21 "2003-11-17T23:17:23Z")
Do you know what I call a man who hesitated to date my gorgeous daughter with three children? Son-in-law. ---
**Author:** ![kniz](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/k/c37758/32.png) [@kniz](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/kniz)\ **Post date:** [November 17, 2003, 11:17pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/not-dating-women-with-kids-am-i-being-stupid/213727/22 "2003-11-17T23:17:43Z")
> [@](#): > > \*Originally posted by CrazyCatLady \* > \*\*Sometimes I really wish my brother hadn’t been willing to date women with kids. He wound up married to a woman who was a complete and total harpy, but by the time she started to show her true colors he was already in love with the kids. So he stayed through the cheating, and the verbal abuse, and the lies and the manipulation, and the utter ruination of his credit. He put himself through five years of hell because he loved those kids. \*\* That sounds exactly like my brother’s experience. It ended because she wanted to double date with her oldest daughter. :smack: ---
**Author:** ![Zoe](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/z/a4c791/32.png) [@Zoe](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Zoe)\ **Post date:** [November 17, 2003, 11:19pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/not-dating-women-with-kids-am-i-being-stupid/213727/23 "2003-11-17T23:19:06Z")
By the way, she is my _step_-daughter, but I forgot to add that modification. For me that line was erased long ago. ---
**Author:** ![Rashak\_Mani](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/r/ea666f/32.png) [@Rashak\_Mani](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Rashak_Mani)\ **Post date:** [November 17, 2003, 11:21pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/not-dating-women-with-kids-am-i-being-stupid/213727/24 "2003-11-17T23:21:09Z")
> [@](#): > > \*Originally posted by catsix \* > \*\*Wow, how do you two hold paintbrushes that wide without falling over? > > Having kids, or wanting to date someone who has them, in no way indicates anything about a person’s maturity level. What it indicates is that the person has kids. > > On what did both of you base this sweeping generalization? \*\* I was talking about the maturity of the man (the OP in this case) … not the woman herself. More mature men can deal better women with kids… or so I would think. ---
**Author:** ![catsix](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/c/e19b73/32.png) [@catsix](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/catsix)\ **Post date:** [November 17, 2003, 11:38pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/not-dating-women-with-kids-am-i-being-stupid/213727/25 "2003-11-17T23:38:41Z")
Not necessarily, **Rashak**. Men who like kids probably deal better with women who have them. Liking kids and dealing well with them is not necessarily an indicator of maturity. ---
**Author:** ![Rashak\_Mani](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/r/ea666f/32.png) [@Rashak\_Mani](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Rashak_Mani)\ **Post date:** [November 17, 2003, 11:43pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/not-dating-women-with-kids-am-i-being-stupid/213727/26 "2003-11-17T23:43:22Z")
ok… true. Still if he likes kids AND is mature he will deal better with it. Especially about not getting too involved with the kids. ---
**Author:** ![syncrolecyne](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/f08c70/32.png) [@syncrolecyne](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/syncrolecyne)\ **Post date:** [November 18, 2003, 1:05am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/not-dating-women-with-kids-am-i-being-stupid/213727/27 "2003-11-18T01:05:43Z")
My girlfriend has a 8 year old son. When we first met, I worked at a school as a paraprofessional while I went to college, and she was a parent. Her son has ADHD and is in special ed, and he can be very difficult to her handle. She didn’t get off work until an hour after school so I would watch him along with other children who waited to be picked up. Through that experience we began to talk to each other, and see each other socially. She never went out before we met, and her son frankly scared most men away I guess, she had not dated anyone more than once since her divorce. Since her ex-husband basically cut out and left town, dealing with him was not an issue at all. She was my age, the difference between us is she was married at 18 , had a kid at 19, and divorced at 21, while at those ages I was still trying to stretch my adolescence out as far as possible. The only thing that sort of bothered me, and I always felt guilty about it, was this: Growing up, I always had this traditional image that I would meet a girl, and then have children, my children with her. I’m not some prude who always expected to marry a virgin, but I never wanted to be a kid’s step-dad either. I’ve gotten over that, but my mom really did try to talk me out of seeing her too. I suppose she was the reason I started to stand up to her too. I know I am rambling - but in short you need to be really mature to date a woman with kids, and if you are not, you’ll either grow up damn fast, or run off after a date or two. ---
**Author:** ![vanilla](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/v/f19dbf/32.png) [@vanilla](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/vanilla)\ **Post date:** [November 18, 2003, 1:32am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/not-dating-women-with-kids-am-i-being-stupid/213727/28 "2003-11-18T01:32:11Z")
What a depressing thread! Its like once a woman has a child, she had darn well better stay with the father, because thats the only chance she’ll have to be with a guy. I knew 2 girls who had kids at 13 and 14 respectively and had no problem getting dates.Or maryring. Maybe thats why no man has come near me in 9 years (tho I dated a guy when my son was 1) Hack, I actually dated a guy when my son was 3 months old (and I was still married to the childs father) So, I guess in about 8 years, I will get a date. I, however, wouldn’t mind dating any guy with kids, I never have. Why? It would be like not dating someone becasue they were a different race or something. ---
**Author:** ![Magiver](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/4491bb/32.png) [@Magiver](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Magiver)\ **Post date:** [November 18, 2003, 3:39am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/not-dating-women-with-kids-am-i-being-stupid/213727/29 "2003-11-18T03:39:35Z")
> [@](#): > > \*Originally posted by vanilla \* > \*\* > I, however, wouldn’t mind dating any guy with kids, I never have. > Why? > It would be like not dating someone becasue they were a different race or something. \*\* There is no connection between parenthood and racial background. The color of one’s skin is a visual affectation just like hair or eye color. Children represent additional relationships. You would have to WANT those additional relationships. That package is much larger than the number of kids involved. You have a displaced spouse and the parents of that spouse to deal with. And it is also very natural for children to want their parents to get back together. Marriage is hard enough when you start out on equal footing. I’ve been-there and done-that. If I want to date a woman who has children I would take all the above into consideration. It’s a package deal. FWIW, when you hit your late 30’s your dating situation changes because that is when kids start leaving the nest. From my experience, divorced women (with grown children) are not looking for another family. ---
**Author:** ![vanilla](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/v/f19dbf/32.png) [@vanilla](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/vanilla)\ **Post date:** [November 18, 2003, 3:45am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/not-dating-women-with-kids-am-i-being-stupid/213727/30 "2003-11-18T03:45:32Z")
I am 45(soon). My sons father died when my son was 8 months old. I am most definitely Not in touch with his relatives. ---
**Author:** ![Magiver](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/4491bb/32.png) [@Magiver](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Magiver)\ **Post date:** [November 18, 2003, 4:07am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/not-dating-women-with-kids-am-i-being-stupid/213727/31 "2003-11-18T04:07:02Z")
> [@](#): > > \*Originally posted by vanilla \* > \*\*I am 45(soon). > My sons father died when my son was 8 months old. > I am most definitely Not in touch with his relatives. \*\* Then you should feel less depressed because your situation is a lot different than what I described. You still need to date men who will take you as a package deal. Sorry for your loss. ---
**Author:** ![vanilla](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/v/f19dbf/32.png) [@vanilla](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/vanilla)\ **Post date:** [November 18, 2003, 3:19pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/not-dating-women-with-kids-am-i-being-stupid/213727/32 "2003-11-18T15:19:22Z")
One of my friends had her son when she was 14. She had no trouble getting dates (but then, she was beautiful) ---
**Author:** ![Kizarvexius](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/k/da6949/32.png) [@Kizarvexius](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Kizarvexius)\ **Post date:** [November 18, 2003, 5:08pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/not-dating-women-with-kids-am-i-being-stupid/213727/33 "2003-11-18T17:08:41Z")
> [@](#): > > \*Originally posted by catsix \* > \*\*Wow, how do you two hold paintbrushes that wide without falling over? > > Having kids, or wanting to date someone who has them, in no way indicates anything about a person’s maturity level. What it indicates is that the person has kids. > > On what did both of you base this sweeping generalization? \*\* I like wide paintbrushes. Makes it easier to blot out the parts of the canvas that I’d rather not pay any attention to. 😃 No, having kids is not an indication of one’s maturity level. You misunderstand my point. What I said was that _single parenthood_ is a condition that _often_ causes people to make a radical change in their priorities. A simple statement of cause and effect which is not, of course, universally applicable. Being a single _working_ parent typically (note my excessive use of qualifying adverbs) means making more sacrifices than would be necessary in a two-income household. One learns to do without, to get by without luxuries. To be more practical. And if being the sort of person who puts the needs of the family above one’s own isn’t an indication of maturity, I don’t know what it. ---
**Author:** ![calm\_kiwi](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/c/9fc348/32.png) [@calm\_kiwi](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/calm_kiwi)\ **Post date:** [November 18, 2003, 5:32pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/not-dating-women-with-kids-am-i-being-stupid/213727/34 "2003-11-18T17:32:57Z")
> [@](#): > > \*Originally posted by vanilla \* > \*\*I am 45(soon). > My sons father died when my son was 8 months old. > I am most definitely Not in touch with his relatives. \*\* Same situation, only my son was 14 mths and I have sporadic contact with a sister-in-law (oh and I’m ONLY 37 😉 ). I don’t want to date a man with a child because it is far too easy to become attached to a child. My ex had a 16 yr old son. He and I don’t speak anymore but I have become the 16 yo default mother/buddy (his mother is dead). Though I enjoy the relationship, life would be easier if I didn’t have to listen to “Dad is so mean” speechs when I would like to say “why yes of course he is mean, he is also a dickhead” (of course I would never ever say anything like that!). This was my first relationship with someone who had a child and probably my last. I hope the relationship with the child lasts because he is a neat kid who needs an ear from time to time but I found it hard getting attached to someone elses child and then having the relationship end. I am grateful that he and my son didn’t become attached to each other. ---
**Author:** ![seal\_cleaner](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/e274bd/32.png) [@seal\_cleaner](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/seal_cleaner)\ **Post date:** [November 18, 2003, 9:45pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/not-dating-women-with-kids-am-i-being-stupid/213727/35 "2003-11-18T21:45:17Z")
My wife had children when I married her. I always found her sexiest when she was being maternal (with them I mean). And she said she was first attracted to me because I would change diapers - unlike the bio father. ---
**Author:** ![Yeticus\_Rex](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/y/a698b9/32.png) [@Yeticus\_Rex](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Yeticus_Rex)\ **Post date:** [November 18, 2003, 10:45pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/not-dating-women-with-kids-am-i-being-stupid/213727/36 "2003-11-18T22:45:00Z")
> [@](#): > > \*Originally posted by SnoopyFan \* > \*\*I don’t think you’re being unreasonable at all! It takes a very special man to go into a relationship with ready-made kids: and really, if he doesn’t love those kids like they’re his own, it would be a major disservice to the kids for the relationship to continue. Plus it would suck for you to enter into a relationship with a woman with kids, only to find that the kids don’t like you when you meet them. What then? You and Mom are in love, the kids don’t like you, and if she’s a good Mom she’d hafta break it off. Too much trouble. You’re being smart by avoiding the situation altogether. \*\* How true…it does take a special man to get into this type of relationship. And I love my step-father for taking that chance and becoming a part of my life for the last 35 years. **Bump** , That is the risk or reward that you will be undertaking. You’re acceptance or refusal to date mothers is purely your choice and I don’t blame you for hesitating, because the relationships created are more numerous and complex. If you’re not ready for that type of relationship, definitely stick with the women w/o kids. ---
**Author:** ![catsix](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/c/e19b73/32.png) [@catsix](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/catsix)\ **Post date:** [November 18, 2003, 11:10pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/not-dating-women-with-kids-am-i-being-stupid/213727/37 "2003-11-18T23:10:14Z")
> [@](#): > > What I said was that single parenthood is a condition that often causes people to make a radical change in their priorities. I think you need to spend a couple of days where I work. You’ll find that those who do not change their priorities are quite common indeed. ---
**Author:** ![bump](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/b/7c8e57/32.png) [@bump](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/bump)\ **Post date:** [November 18, 2003, 11:38pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/not-dating-women-with-kids-am-i-being-stupid/213727/38 "2003-11-18T23:38:24Z")
After having read the posts here and thinking more about it on my own, I think I can articulate my unease about the subject a little better. A big part of it is that I’m not quite as experienced in dating as I’d like- I’m not “wife-hunting”, but neither am I averse to the idea of a long term relationship/marriage either. Mainly I’m looking to have a good time- go places, go out on the weekends, etc… that I think a woman with a child might throw a wrench into, simply due to the fact that they’d have to get a babysitter, etc… and basically have less freedom than a childless woman might. Also, there’s a certain feeling that when I’m going to invest the time, money, emotion and effort into a family and children, then I’m going to do it when I’m ready, and more or less my terms, and it’ll be MY family. I don’t know about the maturity level here, but that’s the way I feel about it. In case any of you are curious, the way that the OP coalesced in my head was that I was looking at [match.com](http://match.com) and noticed that I’d got the 5th email in a week from a woman with kids, and griped about it to a roommate. Then I got to wondering if maybe I’m missing out on a bunch of wonderful women by being so dogmatic about this. The idea still didn’t sit well, and my roommates/friends were pretty much in agreement with me, so I decided to quiz the SDMB for some opinions that are on the other side of the coin. ---
**Author:** ![Kizarvexius](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/k/da6949/32.png) [@Kizarvexius](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Kizarvexius)\ **Post date:** [November 19, 2003, 12:04am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/not-dating-women-with-kids-am-i-being-stupid/213727/39 "2003-11-19T00:04:43Z")
**Catsix** , barring use of statistics or some other citation, the best any of us can do here is go from our own experiences and our own observations. All I can say about the situation you describe is that a single mother acting like she’s still a free-wheeling bachelorette is not someone I would be remotely interested in. Being a single father (in all but legal fact) completely changes my prospects for dating. My daughter goes to bed at 8:00, which means I can’t go out in the evening without making babysitting arrangements. I can’t pull an all-nighter, even at my own house, because I have to be up bright and early to look after the kid when morning comes. I still have something of a life, but anything I do has to include my daughter. If she can’t participate in or sit still through whatever activity I’m trying to enjoy, then I’ll probably have to give it up for now. This will make dating tricky. Miss X, whoever she is, had better a) be a homebody, b) not expect expensive gifts, c) not have more demands on my time than my job and parenting allow. I haven’t dated since my separation, but when I do, whether or not the woman has her own kids will not, in itself, be a major factor one way or the other. If she doesn’t have kids, the way she relates to my daughter _will_ be an extremely important consideration. If she does have kids of her own, I want to see how she handles them _and_ how her kids get along with my daughter. In short, there are more complications because anyone getting involved with me has to have a healthy personal relationship with my daughter as well. ---
**Author:** ![Baby\_Fish\_Mouth](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/b/a8b319/32.png) [@Baby\_Fish\_Mouth](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Baby_Fish_Mouth)\ **Post date:** [November 19, 2003, 1:26am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/not-dating-women-with-kids-am-i-being-stupid/213727/40 "2003-11-19T01:26:21Z")
**bump** , it sounds as if you’ve given this some thought, and your reasons for not wanting to date a woman with a child are perfectly reasonable. Is it possible that you will miss out on some wonderful women by avoiding single mothers? Yes. But it’s also possible that you will be happier with someone who doesn’t have that responsibility, as you stated. Only you can decide. At this point in my life, I would also prefer to date someone without children, for many of the reasons mentioned above. I too have a traditional vision of having my own children on my own terms. I also value spending a considerable amount of “alone” time with a partner before having children. I’m not averse to changing my opinion if someone really really great came along though. [Previous page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/not-dating-women-with-kids-am-i-being-stupid/213727.md?page=1) [Next page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/not-dating-women-with-kids-am-i-being-stupid/213727.md?page=3)