# Not dating women with kids? Am I being stupid? **URL:** \ **Category:** Great Debates\ **Created:** [November 17, 2003, 5:32pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/not-dating-women-with-kids-am-i-being-stupid/213727 "2003-11-17T17:32:12Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 20\ **Page:** 3
**Author:** ![Essured](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/e/278dde/32.png) [@Essured](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Essured)\ **Post date:** [November 19, 2003, 1:43am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/not-dating-women-with-kids-am-i-being-stupid/213727/41 "2003-11-19T01:43:05Z")
> [@](#): > > \*Originally posted by vanilla \* > \*\*I, however, wouldn’t mind dating any guy with kids, I never have. > Why? > It would be like not dating someone becasue they were a different race or something. \*\* OK, this is downright rude. You’re basically calling those who prefer not to date parents the equivalent of rascists. I suggest you rethink that. ---
**Author:** ![vanilla](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/v/f19dbf/32.png) [@vanilla](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/vanilla)\ **Post date:** [November 19, 2003, 1:54am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/not-dating-women-with-kids-am-i-being-stupid/213727/42 "2003-11-19T01:54:08Z")
no! Thats not what I meant at all. I guess I should’ve worded it differently. I meant a potential partner having something different, in some cases race, in some a child shouldn’t put someone off of dating that particular person. ---
**Author:** ![Essured](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/e/278dde/32.png) [@Essured](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Essured)\ **Post date:** [November 19, 2003, 2:04am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/not-dating-women-with-kids-am-i-being-stupid/213727/43 "2003-11-19T02:04:27Z")
Thanks for clarifying, **vanilla.** I will disagree still, because I believe that everyone has certain things that would stop them from wanting to date another. I personally wouldn’t date a rascist, a homophobe, a parent, someone who’s ever been on Springer, someone with certain occupations, etc (yes, there’s more, I’m picky!). These are just some things that I either personally find completely unattractive, or things that I do not want in my life. I’m sure you’ve got at least one ‘not negotiable’ trait when it comes to a potential partner, too 🙂 Murderers or ex-child abusers, perhaps ? 😉 ---
**Author:** ![vanilla](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/v/f19dbf/32.png) [@vanilla](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/vanilla)\ **Post date:** [November 19, 2003, 2:30am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/not-dating-women-with-kids-am-i-being-stupid/213727/44 "2003-11-19T02:30:31Z")
Murderers, child abusers, satanists are probably on Everyones non negotiable list. These things are bad, unlike having a child. Hopefully, there will be someone out there who will love me and my son. ---
**Author:** ![hansel](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/h/6bbea6/32.png) [@hansel](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/hansel)\ **Post date:** [November 19, 2003, 2:38am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/not-dating-women-with-kids-am-i-being-stupid/213727/45 "2003-11-19T02:38:18Z")
**Vanilla** , you should be glad at the advice people here are dispensing: They’re telling someone who’s uneasy about dating someone with kids not to inflict himself on that woman and her children. I’m under the impression that most people here think there’s nothing wrong with it, and a lot of good with it, but they know that it’s different. Your chances are probably better than you think. ---
**Author:** ![Essured](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/e/278dde/32.png) [@Essured](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Essured)\ **Post date:** [November 19, 2003, 2:45am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/not-dating-women-with-kids-am-i-being-stupid/213727/46 "2003-11-19T02:45:15Z")
I’m sure there’s many out there who will, **Vanilla.** And isn’t it better to not waster your time on the ones who do consider it non-negotiable ? Sorry if it appeared that I was saying that having a child was equivalent to being a murderer, I wasn’t meaning to imply that. I was just trying to illustrate the point that everyone has their own internal ‘dislikes’ ranging from criminal behaviour (and not everyone has this as one of theirs, apparently many crims get love letters from strangers) through to personal dislikes, to irrational and petty habits others can’t stand. There are many people out there who have zero problem with dating a parent. Many people who recognise that everyone has a past and that for them a child is just another facet of this new person in their lives. For others it’s a non-negotiable facet. I don’t see anything wrong with this. I don’t expect everyone to consider me dating material, either. In fact I could probably reel off a list of ten things that would put me in somebody’s non-negotiable’ list without even trying. That could be a light-hearted fun MPSIMS thread. I know people who won’t date cat owners. I wouldn’t date an ex-Springer guest. My brother wouldn’t date anyone who is fat. Each time we add something to a non-negotiable list we are possible cutting out a lot of great people who we might share something special with. But we all have our internal list, it’s just a matter of the degree to which we take it. Unless, of course, you’re saying that you don’t have any non-negotiables when it comes to dating ? ---
**Author:** ![vanilla](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/v/f19dbf/32.png) [@vanilla](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/vanilla)\ **Post date:** [November 19, 2003, 2:59am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/not-dating-women-with-kids-am-i-being-stupid/213727/47 "2003-11-19T02:59:00Z")
ha! I never USED to. Now I do. Like homosexuality. Thats a deal breaker… ---
**Author:** ![SnoopyFan](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/d07c76/32.png) [@SnoopyFan](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/SnoopyFan)\ **Post date:** [November 19, 2003, 5:00am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/not-dating-women-with-kids-am-i-being-stupid/213727/48 "2003-11-19T05:00:27Z")
**I meant a potential partner having something different, in some cases race, in some a child shouldn’t put someone off of dating that particular person.** Sure it should! There are TONS of things I can think of that would put me off of dating a certain person. Some are just generally “bad” things and others are preferences. Why go out of your way to date someone who has a quality, or a situation, that you can’t overlook or don’t want to be involved in? ---
**Author:** ![Shodan](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/9f8e36/32.png) [@Shodan](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Shodan)\ **Post date:** [November 19, 2003, 3:22pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/not-dating-women-with-kids-am-i-being-stupid/213727/49 "2003-11-19T15:22:33Z")
> [@](#): > > Sure it should! There are TONS of things I can think of that would put me off of dating a certain person. Me too. For instance, if she asked for help getting her kids in the car seat, and her name was Susan Smith… Regards, Shodan I know, I know - I **am** ashamed of myself. ---
**Author:** ![handy](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/h/b5a626/32.png) [@handy](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/handy)\ **Post date:** [November 19, 2003, 4:03pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/not-dating-women-with-kids-am-i-being-stupid/213727/50 "2003-11-19T16:03:46Z")
I like women with kids because giving birth activates some new muscles down there that brings them alot of enjoyment, if you catch my drift. Thing is, I don’t know if those who did a C-section get this same effect. They have one of the best reasons to get home from a date early, ’ I have to get home for the kids’. ---
**Author:** ![vanilla](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/v/f19dbf/32.png) [@vanilla](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/vanilla)\ **Post date:** [November 19, 2003, 4:07pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/not-dating-women-with-kids-am-i-being-stupid/213727/51 "2003-11-19T16:07:36Z")
you are weird 🙂 ---
**Author:** ![BMalion](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/b/e274bd/32.png) [@BMalion](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/BMalion)\ **Post date:** [November 20, 2003, 4:37pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/not-dating-women-with-kids-am-i-being-stupid/213727/52 "2003-11-20T16:37:12Z")
> [@](#): > > \*Originally posted by vanilla \* > \*\*I am 45(soon). > My sons father died when my son was 8 months old. > I am most definitely Not in touch with his relatives. \*\* You sound like my wife. Widowed 13 years ago with a 3 year old and a baby in diapers. His family a bunch of loons. I never had a problem dating women with kids because I always assumed I’d have kids anyway. We met 3 years ago and I married her because I chose to love _her_. I hope I love our kids as much as I would love my own children. But, whether they love me or not is their own choice. In the long run I’ll be with their mom 'til death do us part, they will move out soon. One good thing about being married to a widow (her observation), we have no ex-husband-still-around issues. ---
**Author:** ![vanilla](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/v/f19dbf/32.png) [@vanilla](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/vanilla)\ **Post date:** [November 20, 2003, 4:42pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/not-dating-women-with-kids-am-i-being-stupid/213727/53 "2003-11-20T16:42:58Z")
exactly. good wishes ---
**Author:** ![Soapbox\_Monkey](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/ed655f/32.png) [@Soapbox\_Monkey](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Soapbox_Monkey)\ **Post date:** [November 20, 2003, 6:41pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/not-dating-women-with-kids-am-i-being-stupid/213727/54 "2003-11-20T18:41:18Z")
> [@](#): > > \*Originally posted by Darkhold \* > \*\*Heh around here most girls have their second kid by 18. Whenever I run across a girl that doesn’t have kids I’m always shocked. \*\* Wow, this is quite a society we live in these days. :rolleyes: ---
**Author:** ![CanvasShoes](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/c/74df32/32.png) [@CanvasShoes](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/CanvasShoes)\ **Post date:** [November 21, 2003, 11:44am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/not-dating-women-with-kids-am-i-being-stupid/213727/55 "2003-11-21T11:44:05Z")
Well, I’m a woman with kids, and my preference is to date men who don’t have kids. I have before, and it’s a set of problems I’d rather not deal with. And I never blamed men for not wanting to date ME because I have kids. (well… **had** kids, one is full grown and on her own, the other is 13 and has lived with his dad for the two years, visiting me twice a month). Before the “I have kids, but don’t want to date men with kids” thing sounds hypocritical to people, it’s BECAUSE I had kids that I preferred not to date men with kids. Being a parent is a hard job. Kids take a lot of time and energy, to date someone who also had kids would mean, if things went to a serious level (marriage or cohabitation) doubling or tripling that amount of work and stress, and then compound it by differing parenting styles, the whole “stepparent” issue, not just on one side, but two, etc. And despite my preferences, I have dated men who had kids. > [@](#): > > I like women with kids because giving birth activates some new muscles down there that brings them alot of enjoyment, if you catch my drift. Thing is, I don’t know if those who did a C-section get this same effect. [scooby doo]RrrrUUUUURRRuuUUHH???[/scooby doo] Umm, is this a whoosh? Because having a baby severly stretches and sometimes damages those muscles and it takes a hell of a lot of kegels to get them back INTO shape. I’ve never heard this “activates new muscles” theory. ---
**Author:** ![vanilla](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/v/f19dbf/32.png) [@vanilla](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/vanilla)\ **Post date:** [November 21, 2003, 3:49pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/not-dating-women-with-kids-am-i-being-stupid/213727/56 "2003-11-21T15:49:13Z")
pay it no mind. ---
**Author:** ![bufnyfan1](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/b/9de053/32.png) [@bufnyfan1](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/bufnyfan1)\ **Post date:** [October 25, 2011, 3:55pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/not-dating-women-with-kids-am-i-being-stupid/213727/57 "2011-10-25T15:55:43Z")
Why would anyone want to marry a woman with kids in the first place?? The divorce rate in this situation (single/divorced with children) now approaches 70%—you’d get better odds playing the lottery!!! Why would I want to assume the emotional and financial responsibility for a kid that I had nothing to do with bringing into the world—am I going to be expected to “shell out” for braces, college tuition etc. etc etc.??? Then comes the issues surrounding having to deal with the ex-husband/ex-inlaws and the very distinct possiblity the kid(s) will side with the natural father and make your life a living hell!! I’d rather stay single than get mixed up with this situation—in fact I have dated a few women with kids—every fear/belief I had about it was absolutely true and then some!!! ---
**Author:** ![Malthus](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/85f322/32.png) [@Malthus](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Malthus)\ **Post date:** [October 25, 2011, 4:19pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/not-dating-women-with-kids-am-i-being-stupid/213727/58 "2011-10-25T16:19:02Z")
I only date zombie women who have eaten their kids. 😃 ---
**Author:** ![randomface](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/r/5fc32e/32.png) [@randomface](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/randomface)\ **Post date:** [October 25, 2011, 4:25pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/not-dating-women-with-kids-am-i-being-stupid/213727/59 "2011-10-25T16:25:13Z")
> [@Inoshiro](#): > > Yeah, I probably should have chosen Farnsworth rather than Zoidberg for my handle. Bubblegum Tate would be more appropriate still. EDIT: Didn’t even notice the dates, but can’t think of a zombie joke to edit this to. ---
**Author:** ![BMalion](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/b/e274bd/32.png) [@BMalion](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/BMalion)\ **Post date:** [October 25, 2011, 11:59pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/not-dating-women-with-kids-am-i-being-stupid/213727/60 "2011-10-25T23:59:41Z")
> [@vanilla](#): > > I am 45(soon). > My sons father died when my son was 8 months old. > I am most definitely Not in touch with his relatives. I met a 38 year old woman who was widowed with 2 boys. I was excited to be their step-dad. They were resentful and difficult. Then she turned into a demonic harpy and we were divorced. I am still friendly with the older son (24 years old now) go figure. [Previous page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/not-dating-women-with-kids-am-i-being-stupid/213727.md?page=2) [Next page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/not-dating-women-with-kids-am-i-being-stupid/213727.md?page=4)