# Not having children and your outlook on life **URL:** \ **Category:** In My Humble Opinion\ **Created:** [October 5, 2010, 1:54am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/not-having-children-and-your-outlook-on-life/556075 "2010-10-05T01:54:39Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 20\ **Page:** 12
**Author:** ![Malthus](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/85f322/32.png) [@Malthus](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Malthus)\ **Post date:** [October 8, 2010, 9:53pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/not-having-children-and-your-outlook-on-life/556075/221 "2010-10-08T21:53:28Z")
> [@Kaio](#): > > > [@Malthus](#): > > > > It is a mere observation. The discussion is about children; you have lept to the analogy that a co-worker who has annoyed you is “like” children. > > Well, yes, since my entire point was that my disliking children comes from disliking the behavior they commonly engage in, not because it has a hell of a lot to do with their age. I then gave an example which illustrated that my dislike of said behavior isn’t rooted in how old you are, just in the behavior itself. I’m not sure what your point is. The point being that, normally, people understand and make allowances for someone’s age. That is why “acting childish” is a negative observation about adults, but not, generally, about very young children. Most folks do not expect that a baby would act with the poise and restraint of a 22-year old, and so are not upset when they don’t. The issue is that _age appropriate behaviour_ is the social expectation. Most people expect chlidren to act like, well, children. That is not to say that children cannot sometimes indulge in bad behaviour, that is inappropriate even for their age. They can. That’s when wise parents discipline or remove them. But ask yourself this - when was the last time that a _toddler_ displayed intolerance, homophobia, or narrow-minded bigotry of any sort, or back-stabbed a colleague? That’s the sort of “bad behaviour” adults engage in - but it isn’t any more accurate to say that all adults engage in it, all the time, than it is to claim all children always behave badly. ---
**Author:** ![Cat\_Whisperer](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/cat_whisperer/32/4839_2.png) [@Cat\_Whisperer](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Cat_Whisperer)\ **Post date:** [October 8, 2010, 10:04pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/not-having-children-and-your-outlook-on-life/556075/222 "2010-10-08T22:04:40Z")
> [@Kaio](#): > > \ > And/or, we just don’t care. My life doesn’t revolve around children, they’re not even substantially present in my life, so it’s not something that I generally bring up as a topic of conversation (see NASCAR, above). My interests lie elsewhere, so I talk about that stuff instead. That’s right, too; it’s one of the things that struck me when we started socializing with other childfree by choice people - kids just never come up in discussion. We don’t go out of our way to not talk about them - they simply aren’t on the radar at all. ---
**Author:** ![purplehorseshoe](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/purplehorseshoe/32/2996_2.png) [@purplehorseshoe](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/purplehorseshoe)\ **Post date:** [October 8, 2010, 10:06pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/not-having-children-and-your-outlook-on-life/556075/223 "2010-10-08T22:06:17Z")
> [@Malthus](#): > > > [@DianaG](#): > > > > Only if one is actually incapable of dealing with children, as opposed to just preferring not to. It’s not as though I rule out socializing with people who have children, I just prefer to do it in their absence, whenever possible. > > > > I simply don’t enjoy children, and I prefer to spend my time with grownups, doing and talking about grownup things. I don’t see why this is something I should feel badly about, or why people’s panties get so very bunched. > > There is no reason to feel bad about it, and my panties at least remain unbunched. > > As I’ve said a couple of times now, it’s a choice, and really no-one elses’ business. I just think that any set of dislikes that alienates one from one’s family, as **Jimbo** has said it does, is limiting. > > I have a gay friend who feels much the same way about women - doesn’t like them, and prefers not to have them around. It’s limiting. You’re acting as though we _chose_ to dislike children. (Your gay friend, there - did he choose to be gay?) I didn’t choose to dislike mushrooms, and I didn’t choose to dislike the average kid. ---
**Author:** ![Kaio](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/k/c68b51/32.png) [@Kaio](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Kaio)\ **Post date:** [October 8, 2010, 10:11pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/not-having-children-and-your-outlook-on-life/556075/224 "2010-10-08T22:11:28Z")
I know children act like children. It’s pretty self-evident. This doesn’t change the fact that I find that kind of behavior irritating as hell, and choose to avoid it when possible, and get seriously annoyed when I can’t. Why you’re insisting this is a judgment on children as a group, rather than simply my preference and choice to avoid being around people and behavior that piss me off, I can’t fathom. The behavior is the issue, not the age. I don’t understand why this is so difficult for you to understand. Saying that “I don’t like Jews” is just like “I don’t like children” (which was what I was originally responding to) is a false analogy. There’s nothing about being Jewish that makes someone more prone to throwing tantrums and otherwise behaving in a not-suitable-for-being-in-public fashion. If a child is quiet and keeps to herself in public, I probably won’t even notice her. Just like I probably wouldn’t notice an adult doing the same. ---
**Author:** ![Malthus](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/85f322/32.png) [@Malthus](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Malthus)\ **Post date:** [October 8, 2010, 10:18pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/not-having-children-and-your-outlook-on-life/556075/225 "2010-10-08T22:18:24Z")
> [@purplehorseshoe](#): > > You’re acting as though we _chose_ to dislike children. (Your gay friend, there - did he choose to be gay?) I didn’t choose to dislike mushrooms, and I didn’t choose to dislike the average kid. Heh, disliking women has nothing necessarily to do with being gay. Lots of straight guys dislike women, and lots of gay guys like women. It is just more of a problem for a straight guy, if he dislikes women. It puts him sorta at odds with his orientation. By “It’s a choice” I didn’t mean that everyone who dislikes kids literally conciously chose not to (though no doubt some did), but rather, to emphasize that it was their free ‘choice’ - i.e., not something that they had to do, justify, explain, or feel guilty about. As in, “do you want mushrooms for dinner?” “No, I dislike them” “Okay, it’s your choice”. Is the appropriate response: “No, I have no choice. I didn’t **choose** to dislike mushrooms! Do gay people **choose** to be gay?!”. Or “Great! thanks.” ---
**Author:** ![Kaio](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/k/c68b51/32.png) [@Kaio](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Kaio)\ **Post date:** [October 8, 2010, 10:21pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/not-having-children-and-your-outlook-on-life/556075/226 "2010-10-08T22:21:57Z")
Or, to put it more succinctly: You tell me, in essence, that I’m wrong for discriminating based on age. I point out that I don’t, and that a certain set of behavior annoys me regardless of the age of the person engaging in it. Then you say that I _should_ discriminate based on age, cuz, you know, kids are just like that and I should give them a pass. So… which is it? ---
**Author:** ![Malthus](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/85f322/32.png) [@Malthus](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Malthus)\ **Post date:** [October 8, 2010, 10:26pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/not-having-children-and-your-outlook-on-life/556075/227 "2010-10-08T22:26:26Z")
> [@Kaio](#): > > I know children act like children. It’s pretty self-evident. This doesn’t change the fact that I find that kind of behavior irritating as hell, and choose to avoid it when possible, and get seriously annoyed when I can’t. > > Why you’re insisting this is a judgment on children as a group, rather than simply my preference and choice to avoid being around people and behavior that piss me off, I can’t fathom. > > The behavior is the issue, not the age. I don’t understand why this is so difficult for you to understand. Saying that “I don’t like Jews” is just like “I don’t like children” (which was what I was originally responding to) is a false analogy. There’s nothing about being Jewish that makes someone more prone to throwing tantrums and otherwise behaving in a not-suitable-for-being-in-public fashion. If a child is quiet and keeps to herself in public, I probably won’t even notice her. Just like I probably wouldn’t notice an adult doing the same. It is obviously “a judgment on children as a group”. You are associating the _worst_ behaviours of children, with children generally. You have apparently little tolerance for that, and are not willing to make allowances for it. That’s fine. Of course it is your preferance and choice. Haven’t I said that, what, ten times already? I don’t care if someone dislikes children, or the elderly, or women, or whatever. That’s their business. I merely remark that it is self-limiting, which is sort of self-evidently true. ---
**Author:** ![Malthus](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/85f322/32.png) [@Malthus](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Malthus)\ **Post date:** [October 8, 2010, 10:28pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/not-having-children-and-your-outlook-on-life/556075/228 "2010-10-08T22:28:14Z")
> [@Kaio](#): > > Or, to put it more succinctly: > > You tell me, in essence, that I’m wrong for discriminating based on age. > > I point out that I don’t, and that a certain set of behavior annoys me regardless of the age of the person engaging in it. > > Then you say that I _should_ discriminate based on age, cuz, you know, kids are just like that and I should give them a pass. > > So… which is it? You are arguing with someone other than me. If you would actually listen and respond to what I’m saying, rather than simply inventing straw-men and beating the shit out of them, you would see I’m saying _nothing of the sort_. ---
**Author:** ![Kaio](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/k/c68b51/32.png) [@Kaio](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Kaio)\ **Post date:** [October 8, 2010, 10:38pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/not-having-children-and-your-outlook-on-life/556075/229 "2010-10-08T22:38:58Z")
> [@Malthus](#): > > > [@Kaio](#): > > > > If a child is quiet and keeps to herself in public, I probably won’t even notice her. Just like I probably wouldn’t notice an adult doing the same. > > It is obviously “a judgment on children as a group”. You are associating the _worst_ behaviours of children, with children generally. You have apparently little tolerance for that, and are not willing to make allowances for it. That’s fine. Are you reading what I’m writing? Like the part where quiet behavior doesn’t bother me? I’m not associating bad behavior with children – which has been my _entire point_ throughout all this. If someone acts in a way which affects me in a negative way, I will avoid them _regardless how old they are._ I don’t care if you’re 10 or 50, if you start whining and throwing a tantrum in my presence, I will do whatever I can to leave and make sure you are not a part of my life. > [@](#): > > Of course it is your preferance and choice. Haven’t I said that, what, ten times already? I don’t care if someone dislikes children, or the elderly, or women, or whatever. That’s their business. I merely remark that it is self-limiting, which is sort of self-evidently true. If you don’t care, why are you arguing with me and putting words in my mouth? For the record, I find it more freeing than limiting to avoid people who have a negative impact on my life. ---
**Author:** ![Malthus](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/85f322/32.png) [@Malthus](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Malthus)\ **Post date:** [October 8, 2010, 10:52pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/not-having-children-and-your-outlook-on-life/556075/230 "2010-10-08T22:52:03Z")
> [@Kaio](#): > > Are you reading what I’m writing? Like the part where quiet behavior doesn’t bother me? I’m not associating bad behavior with children – which has been my _entire point_ throughout all this. If someone acts in a way which affects me in a negative way, I will avoid them _regardless how old they are._ I don’t care if you’re 10 or 50, if you start whining and throwing a tantrum in my presence, I will do whatever I can to leave and make sure you are not a part of my life. Sure I am. You said you “dislike children”. Then you justified that (not that I think justification is necessary, mind) by claiming that the reason is, you dislike the behaviour children engage in. How is that not associating the group with the bad behaviour of some of its members? > [@](#): > > If you don’t care, why are you arguing with me and putting words in my mouth? > > For the record, I find it more freeing than limiting to avoid people who have a negative impact on my life. Odd, I was about to ask _you_ why you were arguing with _me_, making up stuff I didn’t say, and presenting elaborate justifications for behavoiur I keep telling you _doesn’t require justification_. I don’t care why you dislike children, any more than I’d care why you dislike mushrooms. In both cases, my issue is the same - dislike mushrooms and you are limited (not “freed”) in the choice of risotto to enjoy; dislike children, and you are limited in your choice of enjoyable social interactions. ---
**Author:** ![CrazyCatLady](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/c/dfb087/32.png) [@CrazyCatLady](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/CrazyCatLady)\ **Post date:** [October 8, 2010, 11:25pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/not-having-children-and-your-outlook-on-life/556075/231 "2010-10-08T23:25:35Z")
> [@Malthus](#): > > The point being that, normally, people understand and make allowances for someone’s age. That is why “acting childish” is a negative observation about adults, but not, generally, about very young children. But that’s _not_ the point at all. Just because you understand why someone is behaving in any given unpleasant way, that doesn’t make the behavior the tiniest shred more pleasant to experience. And I don’t know that disliking certain behaviors that are more prevalent in certain age groups is discriminatory at all, really. I don’t like being around loud whiny screechy people, which is more common in little kids. But I don’t like being around racist sexist homophobic people either, a position I assume you share since you label it as “behaving badly.” That sort of behavior is most common in old people, and I don’t see you labeling yourself as a discriminatory asshat the way you’re labeling people who don’t being around kids. ---
**Author:** ![rayxi](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/r/838e76/32.png) [@rayxi](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/rayxi)\ **Post date:** [October 8, 2010, 11:46pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/not-having-children-and-your-outlook-on-life/556075/232 "2010-10-08T23:46:18Z")
> [@Cat\_Whisperer](#): > > **rayxi** , it’s ironic that you are accusing childfree people of doing the same things that parents with no sense of identity beyond their kids do in our society. If anyone pushes an agenda and tries to convert people, it’s them. Er, isn’t that what I said? “Just like I think some parents push their agenda on to others.” I’m not sure in what way you are disagreeing with me by paraphrasing what I posted. > [@Cat\_Whisperer](#): > > I’ve lost count of the times I’ve had a conversation with someone where they tried to tell me that I had to have kids, and told me the ways I was defective for not wanting them. Well l disagree with those people too. That’s a terrible thing for them to say. I never claimed either side had the exclusive on being callous. > [@Cat\_Whisperer](#): > > Do you know how many times I’ve had a conversation where I tried to convince someone else to not have kids? That would be zero. I think you are mistaking people who don’t worship children the way you’ve come to expect in our modern society for people who hate kids and want them to all die. Indifference to children is not a crime (yet). Indifferrence I can handle. However, I detect much more than indifference in _some_ of the posts. There’s a bit of anger and resentment. > [@Cat\_Whisperer](#): > > ETA: I forgot to say, you’re not seeing the real picture here online. In real life, most childfree people don’t volunteer the information. You probably know people who are childfree by choice, and they’ve never told you if you didn’t specifically ask, because we don’t care for the responses we get. Yes, I do know people who chose not to have kids. I’ve never asked them why they didn’t and they’ve never asked me why I did. None of them make statements like “I don’t like children” or “The cost/benefit analysis didn’t pass so I decided not to have kids”. They’ve also never made statements like “you’re always talking about your kids and it’s annoying me” or “I resent the fact that I feel obligated to buy your kid stuff”. I’ve never looked down on any of them for not having kids. I can see that they are happy with their decision and that’s good enough for me. So I perhaps you are right. The Internet is not real life and what I see posted here isn’t representive of any situation I would face in real life. ---
**Author:** ![Susanann](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/7ab992/32.png) [@Susanann](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Susanann)\ **Post date:** [October 9, 2010, 2:55am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/not-having-children-and-your-outlook-on-life/556075/233 "2010-10-09T02:55:57Z")
> [@Antinor01](#): > > Not having children and your outlook on life > What else would be effected? Everything. It sounds kinda a meaningless, pointless, lonely, directionless, empty life, and who the heck is going to get all your money and family heirlooms when a childless person dies? What was the point of having accumulated a fortune if no kids or grandkids are going to get it? I can not imagine how pointless EVERYthing would seem. ---
**Author:** ![Siam\_Sam](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/d78d45/32.png) [@Siam\_Sam](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Siam_Sam)\ **Post date:** [October 9, 2010, 3:14am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/not-having-children-and-your-outlook-on-life/556075/234 "2010-10-09T03:14:52Z")
> [@Malthus](#): > > My feelings towards those who don’t like children are exactly similar to my feelings towards those who dislike any other general group of people, like “women” or “the elderly”: it’s their choice, and there is nothing wrong with it, but it is - limiting. After all, society is made up of all sorts of people, including women, the elderly, and children; not liking one or another group as a generality must make social interactions - difficult. Bah! I find that to be utter nonsense. My dislike of children is not a “choice”; I simply don’t like the little bastards and am honest about it. There’s no, “Hmmm, I think I’ll dislike … children! Yeah, that’s it, children shall be the object of my disregard, at least until I can find me some Jews to hate.” No, I just can’t stand them. Period. I find nothing cute about them whatsoever. Can’t stand to be around them. Just keep them away from me, which is not difficult and hardly limits my life. ---
**Author:** ![jz78817](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/jz78817/32/1028_2.png) [@jz78817](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/jz78817)\ **Post date:** [October 9, 2010, 3:16am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/not-having-children-and-your-outlook-on-life/556075/235 "2010-10-09T03:16:13Z")
> [@Susanann](#): > > It sounds kinda a meaningless, pointless, lonely, directionless, empty life, So enjoying my time on Earth the way I want to is “meaningless, pointless, lonely, directionless, and empty?” W. T. F? > [@](#): > > and who the heck is going to get all your money and family heirlooms when a childless person dies? Who gives a shit? I’ll be dead. I will be utterly _incapable_ of caring what happens to my stuff when I assume room temperature. > [@](#): > > What was the point of having accumulated a fortune if no kids or grandkids are going to get it? setting aside the fact that I will probably not have a “fortune,” even if I did it would be so I can make the most of my time while I’m alive. What happens after that is of no consequence. > [@](#): > > I can not imagine how pointless EVERYthing would seem. “Legacy” is pointless. Once you’re gone, you’re gone. ---
**Author:** ![moejoe](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/9de053/32.png) [@moejoe](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/moejoe)\ **Post date:** [October 9, 2010, 4:11am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/not-having-children-and-your-outlook-on-life/556075/236 "2010-10-09T04:11:26Z")
I can remember being a little kid and knowing that I wanted to be a parent when I grew up. I’m so glad that I did have children and I find that they enhance my life in a million ways. But I’m not sure what that has to do with another person not wanting children, I mean who cares either way? I have several friends who do not want to be parents, ever, and I think it’s so cool that they know that about themselves. They do ask after my kids sometimes and I give them updates, but then my kids are in their 20’s so maybe that makes a difference. On the other hand I have a coworker who is a grandparent and actually thinks people are interested in the quirky ways that the tike pronounces ordinary words. I get direct quotes at least three times per week…sigh. I’m enjoying this thread because most honest parents (myself included) will admit that once in a while they think about how the other half lives. Would my house be clean _all the time_? Would I go to the movies more often or travel more or watch the news and actually listen instead of just trying to catch the gist as I put dinner together in the next room? Would I have made/saved more money by now? How would my body be different? Would I live in a different place or have a different circle of friends? Though I guess that would be the bizzaro thread: how would my life be different if I hadn’t had kids. ---
**Author:** ![Antinor01](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/a/ecae2f/32.png) [@Antinor01](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Antinor01)\ **Post date:** [October 9, 2010, 4:17am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/not-having-children-and-your-outlook-on-life/556075/237 "2010-10-09T04:17:16Z")
> [@Susanann](#): > > > [@Antinor01](#): > > > > Not having children and your outlook on life > > What else would be effected? > > Everything. > > It sounds kinda a meaningless, pointless, lonely, directionless, empty life, and who the heck is going to get all your money and family heirlooms when a childless person dies? What was the point of having accumulated a fortune if no kids or grandkids are going to get it? > > I can not imagine how pointless EVERYthing would seem. That’s certainly an..interesting viewpoint. So you think having a life is pointless if you don’t create a new life? ---
**Author:** ![Antinor01](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/a/ecae2f/32.png) [@Antinor01](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Antinor01)\ **Post date:** [October 9, 2010, 4:22am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/not-having-children-and-your-outlook-on-life/556075/238 "2010-10-09T04:22:09Z")
> [@moejoe](#): > > I can remember being a little kid and knowing that I wanted to be a parent when I grew up. I’m so glad that I did have children and I find that they enhance my life in a million ways. I find it interesting because I never had that desire. Especially growing up gay in the 80’s, I didn’t even consider it an option. I’ve wondered what it was like to want…really want children. Like people who have struggles having their own and go through a lot of time, expense and everything else it takes to have them anyway. Because the idea is so foreign to me, I like to learn about what that experience is like although I don’t want it for myself. ---
**Author:** ![moejoe](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/9de053/32.png) [@moejoe](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/moejoe)\ **Post date:** [October 9, 2010, 4:41am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/not-having-children-and-your-outlook-on-life/556075/239 "2010-10-09T04:41:38Z")
> [@Antinor01](#): > > > [@moejoe](#): > > > > I can remember being a little kid and knowing that I wanted to be a parent when I grew up. I’m so glad that I did have children and I find that they enhance my life in a million ways. > > I find it interesting because I never had that desire. Especially growing up gay in the 80’s, I didn’t even consider it an option. > > I’ve wondered what it was like to want…really want children. Like people who have struggles having their own and go through a lot of time, expense and everything else it takes to have them anyway. Because the idea is so foreign to me, I like to learn about what that experience is like although I don’t want it for myself. I had an awful childhood, and I can remember paying attention in really difficult situations and knowing that I would do a better job when I had kids. Growing up I never felt like I had a family, but I always felt the comfort of knowing that in the future I would be able to create one and that it would be really great. It wasn’t so much a yearning as a knowing, that it would happen and that I would like it and be good at it. I’m not generally a very maternal person outside of my own parenting, so it wasn’t a personality thing, it was a desire to create a family circle that was positive for everyone included in it. It certainly had it’s difficult moments because about three kids in my ex decided that he had made a mistake, and that being a parent wasn’t for him at all, so I ended up raising them by myself and even that didn’t diminish the pleasure of it for me at all. It was hard but also fantastic, and I wouldn’t change a minute of it. It’s been exactly as great as I thought it would be, and I can’t imagine why anyone who didn’t feel that way could be expected to have kids anyway and what-hope it works out ok? I’m equally curious about what it’s like to grow up knowing that you don’t ever want to be a parent. There’s something romantic and beautiful about taking a whole life for yourself and your own needs and wants. ---
**Author:** ![Antinor01](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/a/ecae2f/32.png) [@Antinor01](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Antinor01)\ **Post date:** [October 9, 2010, 4:58am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/not-having-children-and-your-outlook-on-life/556075/240 "2010-10-09T04:58:13Z")
> [@moejoe](#): > > > [@Antinor01](#): > > > > I find it interesting because I never had that desire. Especially growing up gay in the 80’s, I didn’t even consider it an option. > > > > I’ve wondered what it was like to want…really want children. Like people who have struggles having their own and go through a lot of time, expense and everything else it takes to have them anyway. Because the idea is so foreign to me, I like to learn about what that experience is like although I don’t want it for myself. > > I had an awful childhood, and I can remember paying attention in really difficult situations and knowing that I would do a better job when I had kids. Growing up I never felt like I had a family, but I always felt the comfort of knowing that in the future I would be able to create one and that it would be really great. > > It wasn’t so much a yearning as a knowing, that it would happen and that I would like it and be good at it. I’m not generally a very maternal person outside of my own parenting, so it wasn’t a personality thing, it was a desire to create a family circle that was positive for everyone included in it. > > It certainly had it’s difficult moments because about three kids in my ex decided that he had made a mistake, and that being a parent wasn’t for him at all, so I ended up raising them by myself and even that didn’t diminish the pleasure of it for me at all. > > It was hard but also fantastic, and I wouldn’t change a minute of it. It’s been exactly as great as I thought it would be, and I can’t imagine why anyone who didn’t feel that way could be expected to have kids anyway and what-hope it works out ok? Thanks for sharing. I appreciate that. > [@](#): > > I’m equally curious about what it’s like to grow up knowing that you don’t ever want to be a parent. There’s something romantic and beautiful about taking a whole life for yourself and your own needs and wants. What’s funny is I didn’t even realize it was that unusual for a long time. I remember saying repeatedly while growing up that I was never going to get married. I later realized what I really meant by that was ‘I’m never going to marry someone of the opposite sex’. (Marriage = children being the expectation among the people I grew up around, the two tended to go together in my head) I can’t speak for anyone else of course, but I think in my case that a lot of it was just knowing that it wasn’t even possible, aside from adopting which wasn’t even really an option for a lot of my life. Hmm, though it seems like that part was mostly subconscious because it wasn’t so much knowing that didn’t want to be a parent as it just not really being on my radar. I guess in a way it’s similar to the knowing that you describe, but in the opposite direction. [Previous page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/not-having-children-and-your-outlook-on-life/556075.md?page=11) [Next page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/not-having-children-and-your-outlook-on-life/556075.md?page=13)