# Not intending to hurt doesn't take away the hurt **URL:** \ **Category:** In My Humble Opinion\ **Created:** [July 4, 2011, 4:20am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/not-intending-to-hurt-doesnt-take-away-the-hurt/587783 "2011-07-04T04:20:54Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 12\ **Page:** 11
**Author:** ![elbows](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/e/b3f665/32.png) [@elbows](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/elbows)\ **Post date:** [July 7, 2011, 12:45pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/not-intending-to-hurt-doesnt-take-away-the-hurt/587783/201 "2011-07-07T12:45:36Z")
Clearly a general observation, not personal jab, but whatever. It would seem he needs ‘special’ protection from the, harsh opinions of others, which he requested, so apologies offered all around. I’m out. ---
**Author:** ![elmwood](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/elmwood/32/3060_2.png) [@elmwood](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/elmwood)\ **Post date:** [July 7, 2011, 1:10pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/not-intending-to-hurt-doesnt-take-away-the-hurt/587783/202 "2011-07-07T13:10:38Z")
> [@Smeghead](#): > > Besides, the sun doesn’t actually rise; the earth rotates. Cite? ---
**Author:** ![Smeghead](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/f1d935/32.png) [@Smeghead](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Smeghead)\ **Post date:** [July 7, 2011, 4:27pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/not-intending-to-hurt-doesnt-take-away-the-hurt/587783/203 "2011-07-07T16:27:16Z")
> [@elmwood](#): > > Cite? [http://www.sciencemag.org/content/46/1194/489.long](http://www.sciencemag.org/content/46/1194/489.long) ---
**Author:** ![elmwood](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/elmwood/32/3060_2.png) [@elmwood](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/elmwood)\ **Post date:** [July 7, 2011, 7:19pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/not-intending-to-hurt-doesnt-take-away-the-hurt/587783/204 "2011-07-07T19:19:59Z")
> [@Smeghead](#): > > [http://www.sciencemag.org/content/46/1194/489.long](http://www.sciencemag.org/content/46/1194/489.long) 1917? They also believed in phrenology then, too. 😃 ---
**Author:** ![Ambivalid](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/a/a5b964/32.png) [@Ambivalid](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Ambivalid)\ **Post date:** [July 8, 2011, 4:44am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/not-intending-to-hurt-doesnt-take-away-the-hurt/587783/205 "2011-07-08T04:44:08Z")
> [@Hello\_Again](#): > > Here is where you completely lack all perspective. People do this for/to non-disabled people, _including arguing with them about it_ all the time. I bet every woman on this board could describe hundreds of incidents of this very interaction. Some people just feel there is a certain right way to act, and not acting that way says something very negative about themselves so they will go to a quite ridiculous length to do the “right thing.” They are never going to stop, neither do their actions reflect in any way an attitude towards the disabled specifically. > > So if this is the “most offensive” of all scenarios relating to your disability, well, welcome to the human race, it has nothing to do with your disability. Most women find it slightly to somewhat offensive, by the way. The part where you find it offensive is not lacking perspective. The part where you think this is a Speshul Disability Wrong, is. To further clarify this answer a bit, let me say a couple more things. First, and most importantly, if I (or anyone w/disability) tell someone who asks if help is needed opening a door (or whatever it may be) “No please, thank you”, there is most likely a very good reason for such a decline. It may be that the “help” would actually create more of a hindrance than any assistance or maybe the person is in a hurry and can’t take the time to indulge the “helper” in their desire to help out the “less fortunate”. Whatever it may be, it’s the disabled person’s decision and it should be respected. When it (the turning down of the “help”) is brushed off by the “helper” as nothing more than the politeness or the misplaced pride of the disabled person; that respect is lacking. Sure, helping out another person is just good natured humanity. But that humanity should also include an equal respect for the reasoning and competency of that person. And assuming there is no real reason why a person in a wheelchair might decline an offer of help other than stubborn pride or shy politeness is not doing so. Opening doors is just an easy example, but there are many things that are like this in everyday life. ---
**Author:** ![HappyDays](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/h/f08c70/32.png) [@HappyDays](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/HappyDays)\ **Post date:** [July 8, 2011, 6:33am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/not-intending-to-hurt-doesnt-take-away-the-hurt/587783/206 "2011-07-08T06:33:21Z")
> [@jamiemcgarry](#): > > My issue here has nothing to do with him acknowledging my disability but the manner, the frame of mind, in which it was done. > [@jamiemcgarry](#): > > **And I will admit it, yes I can and have been abrasive.** But I have always been an abrasive asshole, well before any wheelchair. It’s one of my shortcomings/traits as a human being and I will continue to work to improve it probably my entire life. \*\*That shouldn’t detract from the issues I bring to the table. \*\* (Bolding mine) If your personality quirks shouldn’t detract from your message, shouldn’t the same courtesy apply to the gentleman in the Jacuzzi? I am not trying to imply that you have no reason to be frustrated. It just feels a bit hypocritical to me to disregard the compliment he intended to give you because of his objectionable method of delivery, but not disregard your intended message(s) even though, sometimes, your manner of communication can feel quite antagonistiic. ---
**Author:** ![blinkie](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/b/43a26b/32.png) [@blinkie](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/blinkie)\ **Post date:** [July 13, 2011, 10:25pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/not-intending-to-hurt-doesnt-take-away-the-hurt/587783/207 "2011-07-13T22:25:18Z")
No offence but YOU CAN SWIM. What I wouldn’t give to go in the water or for that matter the voice to sey something to a person who bothered me. Get over it and have a sense of humor. Don’t make beng in a chair any worse. I’ve been in my chair for 10 years now and I find most people are oblivious but thosee that notice are generally EXTREMELY nice, although they might be awkward in their approach to you. Before I got sat down I was one of those oblivious people, maybe you were too. Let the world in, you only geta finite number of spins. ---
**Author:** ![needscoffee](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/needscoffee/32/1076_2.png) [@needscoffee](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/needscoffee)\ **Post date:** [July 14, 2011, 12:02am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/not-intending-to-hurt-doesnt-take-away-the-hurt/587783/208 "2011-07-14T00:02:28Z")
Yay, Blinkie’s back! Good to hear from you again. ---
**Author:** ![blinkie](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/b/43a26b/32.png) [@blinkie](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/blinkie)\ **Post date:** [July 14, 2011, 12:16am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/not-intending-to-hurt-doesnt-take-away-the-hurt/587783/209 "2011-07-14T00:16:33Z")
I had a software problem with the program that helps me type. I have been able to read but not post for over a month. ---
**Author:** ![Ambivalid](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/a/a5b964/32.png) [@Ambivalid](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Ambivalid)\ **Post date:** [July 14, 2011, 12:24am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/not-intending-to-hurt-doesnt-take-away-the-hurt/587783/210 "2011-07-14T00:24:32Z")
> [@blinkie](#): > > No offence but YOU CAN SWIM. What I wouldn’t give to go in the water or for that matter the voice to sey something to a person who bothered me. > > Get over it and have a sense of humor. Don’t make beng in a chair any worse. > > I’ve been in my chair for 10 years now and I find most people are oblivious but thosee that notice are generally EXTREMELY nice, although they might be awkward in their approach to you. > > Before I got sat down I was one of those oblivious people, maybe you were too. Let the world in, you only geta finite number of spins. “Don’t make being in a chair any worse?” I really don’t know what to make of this sentiment. My life is my life, and I intend to live it to the fullest extent possible. Happiness is not derived living life with a mentality of “trying not to make being in a chair any worse” but rather “trying not to let the chair be an obstacle”. I’m not telling you how to feel, this is my view. ---
**Author:** ![mufatango](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/6a8cbe/32.png) [@mufatango](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/mufatango)\ **Post date:** [July 19, 2011, 5:54pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/not-intending-to-hurt-doesnt-take-away-the-hurt/587783/211 "2011-07-19T17:54:11Z")
Just dropping in to share a quick story: Today, eating lunch on the patio at Chipotle (right next to the parking lot), I saw a teenager pull his SUV (no disabled hangtag or plate) into the disabled spot about 3 feet from where I was sitting. He ran inside and was in line when a car with a disabled hangtag drove past in the lot looking for a spot. About 15 seconds later, a police car drove by slowly without stopping. I wonder if I would have noticed ANY of these occurrences had I not read any of Jamie’s posts here. Whether you agree or disagree with his assertions, whether you like his style or not, I think it is indubitable that he is raising consciousness… Anyhow, about 5 minutes later, the teenager came back out and was getting into his SUV, noticed me watching him, and said, “What?” “You’re parked in the handicapped spot,” I said. “My bad, dude,” he said, “I thought it was the burrito loading zone.” “You see, I don’t believe you,” I said. “That big sign right in front of your face is blue and white and even has a picture of a wheelchair on it, while the signs for food pickup look completely different. Black and white writing, no wheelchair picture. That seems like a really dishonest excuse.” “Fuck you! I was only inside for, like, a minute!” he said. Then he slammed his door, cranked the music, and peeled out. ---
**Author:** ![Hello\_Again](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/h/85e7bf/32.png) [@Hello\_Again](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Hello_Again)\ **Post date:** [July 19, 2011, 6:31pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/not-intending-to-hurt-doesnt-take-away-the-hurt/587783/212 "2011-07-19T18:31:18Z")
> [@jamiemcgarry](#): > > To further clarify this answer a bit, let me say a couple more things. First, and most importantly, if I (or anyone w/disability) tell someone who asks if help is needed opening a door (or whatever it may be) “No please, thank you”, there is most likely a very good reason for such a decline. It may be that the “help” would actually create more of a hindrance than any assistance or maybe the person is in a hurry and can’t take the time to indulge the “helper” in their desire to help out the “less fortunate”. Whatever it may be, it’s the disabled person’s decision and it should be respected. When it (the turning down of the “help”) is brushed off by the “helper” as nothing more than the politeness or the misplaced pride of the disabled person; that respect is lacking. Sure, helping out another person is just good natured humanity. But that humanity should also include an equal respect for the reasoning and competency of that person. And assuming there is no real reason why a person in a wheelchair might decline an offer of help other than stubborn pride or shy politeness is not doing so. Opening doors is just an easy example, but there are many things that are like this in everyday life. I am going to try this one more time. People are not doing this _because you are disabled_. They are not doing it out of any special internal belief about the disabled and whether or not their opinions about door opening should be respected. They are doing it because they don’t respect the door opening opinions _of anyone_. Some people are just assholes. You are not a super special snowflake to have encountered the insistent-door-opening brand of asshole. The fact you think that NO ONE CAN POSSIBLY UNDERSTAND how annoying it is, when someone insists on holding a door when it is not only unecessary but obstructive, is a function and a demonstration that you are locked into your Oppressed Handicapped Person viewpoint to the extent that you are rabidly certain that something that happens to everyone sometimes, and some people frequently, is a special insult to you via your disability. It isn’t. [Previous page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/not-intending-to-hurt-doesnt-take-away-the-hurt/587783.md?page=10)