# Not ok for guy with girlfriend to keep in touch with female co-worker? **URL:** \ **Category:** In My Humble Opinion\ **Created:** [August 17, 2014, 4:46am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/not-ok-for-guy-with-girlfriend-to-keep-in-touch-with-female-co-worker/695742 "2014-08-17T04:46:51Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 20\ **Page:** 2
**Author:** ![CatherineZeta](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/c/e95f7d/32.png) [@CatherineZeta](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/CatherineZeta)\ **Post date:** [August 17, 2014, 4:08pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/not-ok-for-guy-with-girlfriend-to-keep-in-touch-with-female-co-worker/695742/21 "2014-08-17T16:08:21Z")
> [@CrazyCatLady](#): > > You know, if a male friend of mine were “hurt and upset” about me cancelling our first one-on-one plans, enough that he felt the need to tell me about his hurt and upset in so much detail he felt obliged to apologize for it afterward, I’d probably wonder if maybe he saw the relationship differently than I did. Not because I think I’m such hot stuff that every man is secretly pining for me–my default assumption is that no man, with the possible exception of my husband, is pining for me–but because that seems like kind of a lot of investment for a casual, platonic relationship. It would make me profoundly uncomfortable making any further one-on-one plans with that person. > > At the same time I’d be profoundly uncomfortable saying outright “We can’t hang out alone because you seem a little too invested in this” because a)that sounds so incredibly egotistical and b) it seems like kind of a harsh way of saying “nope, no way, nohow, never gonna happen.” So I’d probably blame it on a blanket discomfort with one-on-one plans with other guys. And if he responded to _that_ with anything but “Oh, well I certainly don’t want you to do anything that would cause issues in your relationship”…well, we wouldn’t be hanging out in a group anymore either. I wasn’t the one who wrote the 7 paragraph essay if that’s what you mean by your response. I said something more along the lines of “My feelings were hurt that I got flaked out on, sorry, no big deal, I went to the play by myself.” I’d say the same if a female friend did that to me, but maybe I’m just oversensitive which is why I apologized. ---
**Author:** ![Stringbean](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/d6d6ee/32.png) [@Stringbean](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Stringbean)\ **Post date:** [August 17, 2014, 4:15pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/not-ok-for-guy-with-girlfriend-to-keep-in-touch-with-female-co-worker/695742/22 "2014-08-17T16:15:07Z")
He likes you but he has a girlfriend. It’s really not anything more complicated than that. Would you prefer he hangs with you, secretly falling in love with you, all under the pretense that it’s just a friendship, until eventually he bares his soul to you and runs home to bang his girlfriend while you deal with the fallout? My point is, he did the \*courteous \*thing. Why is it so hard for women to understand that guys really don’t just want to be friends with them? We’re animals ffs. We want pussy. Even the sensitive thesbian connoisseurs. ---
**Author:** ![OneCentStamp](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/o/13edae/32.png) [@OneCentStamp](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/OneCentStamp)\ **Post date:** [August 17, 2014, 5:02pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/not-ok-for-guy-with-girlfriend-to-keep-in-touch-with-female-co-worker/695742/23 "2014-08-17T17:02:01Z")
> [@black\_rabbit](#): > > Inviting someone to a play is just _asking_ for drama. > [@cochrane](#): > > Not always. Sometimes it turns into a farce. Turns out he invited her to a Greek tragedy, which I think shows quite a bit of hubris on his part. ---
**Author:** ![PunditLisa](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/p/4af34b/32.png) [@PunditLisa](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/PunditLisa)\ **Post date:** [August 18, 2014, 12:56am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/not-ok-for-guy-with-girlfriend-to-keep-in-touch-with-female-co-worker/695742/24 "2014-08-18T00:56:55Z")
You know, sometimes relationships are just too much trouble. Let him be. ---
**Author:** ![CairoCarol](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/cairocarol/32/3825_2.png) [@CairoCarol](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/CairoCarol)\ **Post date:** [August 18, 2014, 1:37am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/not-ok-for-guy-with-girlfriend-to-keep-in-touch-with-female-co-worker/695742/25 "2014-08-18T01:37:09Z")
> [@OneCentStamp](#): > > Turns out he invited her to a Greek tragedy, which I think shows quite a bit of hubris on his part. Hey, the OP has a serious question! Stop playing around. ---
**Author:** ![CatherineZeta](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/c/e95f7d/32.png) [@CatherineZeta](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/CatherineZeta)\ **Post date:** [August 18, 2014, 1:56am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/not-ok-for-guy-with-girlfriend-to-keep-in-touch-with-female-co-worker/695742/26 "2014-08-18T01:56:42Z")
Thanks **CairoCarol** \*\*\*\*, but I thought the original joke **black rabbit** \*\*\*\* made was funny at least. I just hate feeling like a bad person over this as I feel like _he_\*\* was the one who really escalated it. I mean even he did feel like I was trying to get in between him and his girlfriend he could have left it at “I’m really busy/can’t hang out/byebye” instead of seven paragraphs and additional texts leaving me wondering what the hell is going on. I think what I said was misunderstood by at least one person- this was all prompted by me saying a sentence or two about being frustrated by his flakiness. I appreciate your original advice **CairoCarol** \*\*\*\* about dropping him a line before he leaves at least to let him know there are no hard feelings on my end, especially since so far this has ended with me having the last word. I won’t say anything about meeting up. ETA: I am willing to admit that I was in the wrong for not realizing the impropriety of my invitations I guess- but on the other hand I have other straight, male guy friends and this is a non-issue. I just don’t think it’s fair for me solely to be in the wrong, I think he handled it childishly whatever the deal was. I was not asking this of a married man- this is a kid in the country for a year who has a girlfriend of two months and may or may not have slept with another co-worker. Life isn’t fair though. ---
**Author:** ![ZipperJJ](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/zipperjj/32/211_2.png) [@ZipperJJ](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/ZipperJJ)\ **Post date:** [August 18, 2014, 4:15am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/not-ok-for-guy-with-girlfriend-to-keep-in-touch-with-female-co-worker/695742/27 "2014-08-18T04:15:47Z")
> [@CatherineZeta](#): > > Thanks **CairoCarol** \*\*\*\*, but I thought the original joke **black rabbit** \*\*\*\* made was funny at least. Read it again - she made a pun too 😉 ---
**Author:** ![CatherineZeta](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/c/e95f7d/32.png) [@CatherineZeta](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/CatherineZeta)\ **Post date:** [August 18, 2014, 4:21am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/not-ok-for-guy-with-girlfriend-to-keep-in-touch-with-female-co-worker/695742/28 "2014-08-18T04:21:31Z")
Yes I know, but I’d like to think she had nice intentions too! But yeah, the amount of plays in this story is ridiculous. One of the last times I saw him he was seeing a play with a new female co-worker. He also told me that “someone” invited him to see yet another play. ---
**Author:** ![Amberlei](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/a/e56c9b/32.png) [@Amberlei](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Amberlei)\ **Post date:** [August 18, 2014, 4:54am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/not-ok-for-guy-with-girlfriend-to-keep-in-touch-with-female-co-worker/695742/29 "2014-08-18T04:54:18Z")
In my experience, the only men I’ve had difficulties in maintaining a platonic friendship with were ones with very possessive wives or girlfriends. I once worked with a really great guy that I thought of as a good friend. Several of us from work used to hang out sometimes, with significant others coming along from time to time. In a group situation, this guy’s wife was great, easy to talk to, interesting, etc. One time, though, a group of us were going out for drinks. This guy, another girl, and myself were sitting at a table together waiting for everyone else when his wife showed up. She went completely ballistic, calling both the other girl and me home-wreckers and much, much worse. It was an utterly surreal experience. They both wound up leaving and he subsequently apologized profusely and I made it a point to NEVER do anything with him outside of work without dragging a guy along. Perhaps this is what happened with your friend, or perhaps he was worried that it would? ---
**Author:** ![astro](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/a/9dc877/32.png) [@astro](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/astro)\ **Post date:** [August 18, 2014, 7:18am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/not-ok-for-guy-with-girlfriend-to-keep-in-touch-with-female-co-worker/695742/30 "2014-08-18T07:18:41Z")
This > [@](#): > > Why is it so hard for women to understand that guys really don’t just want to be friends with them? We’re animals ffs. We want pussy. Even the sensitive thesbian connoisseurs and this > [@](#): > > It seems, based on your rather lengthy and detailed OP, and your desire to be in touch with him again, that you feel … invested … in this situation. The question is, why? He sounds like nothing more than a casual friend with whom you had an unpleasant tiff. Let it go - it’s pretty clear that’s what he wants to do. and this > [@](#): > > He’s a giant wiener You need to let this go. It might be him or it might be the girl friend but there is no happy ending for you in this scenario. ---
**Author:** ![TokyoBayer](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/tokyobayer/32/13989_2.png) [@TokyoBayer](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/TokyoBayer)\ **Post date:** [August 18, 2014, 7:19am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/not-ok-for-guy-with-girlfriend-to-keep-in-touch-with-female-co-worker/695742/31 "2014-08-18T07:19:43Z")
Rather than get upset, couldn’t you have just waited and saw how it played out? ---
**Author:** ![CairoCarol](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/cairocarol/32/3825_2.png) [@CairoCarol](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/CairoCarol)\ **Post date:** [August 18, 2014, 10:50am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/not-ok-for-guy-with-girlfriend-to-keep-in-touch-with-female-co-worker/695742/32 "2014-08-18T10:50:43Z")
> [@TokyoBayer](#): > > Rather than get upset, couldn’t you have just waited and saw how it played out? He’s stealing my lines! ---
**Author:** ![TokyoBayer](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/tokyobayer/32/13989_2.png) [@TokyoBayer](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/TokyoBayer)\ **Post date:** [August 18, 2014, 11:12am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/not-ok-for-guy-with-girlfriend-to-keep-in-touch-with-female-co-worker/695742/33 "2014-08-18T11:12:55Z")
> [@CatherineZeta](#): > > But yeah, the amount of plays in this story is ridiculous. One of the last times I saw him he was seeing a play with a new female co-worker. He also told me that “someone” invited him to see yet another play. Obviously, he’s playing around. > [@CairoCarol](#): > > He’s stealing my lines! It’s the timing. Obviously, this friendship is curtains. ---
**Author:** ![CatherineZeta](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/c/e95f7d/32.png) [@CatherineZeta](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/CatherineZeta)\ **Post date:** [August 18, 2014, 3:30pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/not-ok-for-guy-with-girlfriend-to-keep-in-touch-with-female-co-worker/695742/34 "2014-08-18T15:30:35Z")
Whatever, I guess I’ve been played. ---
**Author:** ![LibrarySpy](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/l/f9ae1b/32.png) [@LibrarySpy](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/LibrarySpy)\ **Post date:** [August 18, 2014, 3:49pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/not-ok-for-guy-with-girlfriend-to-keep-in-touch-with-female-co-worker/695742/35 "2014-08-18T15:49:57Z")
> [@CatherineZeta](#): > > I don’t think it’s awful to drop him a line before he leaves the country to let him know that at least on my end there are no hard feelings. This is exactly what a hurt ex-girlfriend would do. Don’t do it. He’s made himself clear, and his reasons might be crazy, he might be secretly attracted to you, but he’s made a request of you and you should respect him. You sound like you’re heavily emotionally involved. Why? This is inappropriate. You mention that you’ve had this hurt reaction before, in similar situations. Do you come across as intense? ---
**Author:** ![astorian](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/a/ad7895/32.png) [@astorian](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/astorian)\ **Post date:** [August 18, 2014, 3:51pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/not-ok-for-guy-with-girlfriend-to-keep-in-touch-with-female-co-worker/695742/36 "2014-08-18T15:51:42Z")
In theory, of COURSE it’s okay for a guy to keep in touch with you, even if he has a girlfriend. If he’s having second thoughts about doing so now, there are only two possibilities: 1. His girlfriend is jealous, has taken a dislike to you, and thinks there’s more than friendship between you and her man. 2. HE has unresolved or unexpressed feelilings for you, and he now thinks it’s a mistake to hang around with you. Either way, it’s PROBABLY best you not stay in touch. There COULD be drama and unpleasantness down the road, and you don’t need or deserve that. ---
**Author:** ![CatherineZeta](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/c/e95f7d/32.png) [@CatherineZeta](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/CatherineZeta)\ **Post date:** [August 18, 2014, 4:01pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/not-ok-for-guy-with-girlfriend-to-keep-in-touch-with-female-co-worker/695742/37 "2014-08-18T16:01:11Z")
> [@LibrarySpy](#): > > This is exactly what a hurt ex-girlfriend would do. Don’t do it. He’s made himself clear, and his reasons might be crazy, he might be secretly attracted to you, but he’s made a request of you and you should respect him. You sound like you’re heavily emotionally involved. Why? This is inappropriate. You mention that you’ve had this hurt reaction before, in similar situations. Do you come across as intense? What request and what reactions have I had in similar situations? No, I don’t think I come across as intense. ---
**Author:** ![CatherineZeta](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/c/e95f7d/32.png) [@CatherineZeta](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/CatherineZeta)\ **Post date:** [August 18, 2014, 4:08pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/not-ok-for-guy-with-girlfriend-to-keep-in-touch-with-female-co-worker/695742/38 "2014-08-18T16:08:07Z")
Sorry missed the edit window, but what other similar situations? This has never happened to me before. Do you think it’s generally inappropriate for girls to be friends with guys in case they turn out to have girlfriends? We were friends and then after a bit he mentioned her and said he’d like to introduce me. ---
**Author:** ![CrazyCatLady](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/c/dfb087/32.png) [@CrazyCatLady](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/CrazyCatLady)\ **Post date:** [August 18, 2014, 4:54pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/not-ok-for-guy-with-girlfriend-to-keep-in-touch-with-female-co-worker/695742/39 "2014-08-18T16:54:54Z")
> [@CatherineZeta](#): > > Dude flakes out on me- I tell him I’m hurt and disappointed because I was very proud of their play, none of my other friends were interested in the subject matter, and my friend was going to arrange a special discount. Maybe I overreacted- I actually sent a follow up apologizing and explaining that I was just really excited by it, no one else wanted to go, I thought he was into the play, and I went by myself in the end. > [@CatherineZeta](#): > > I think what I said was misunderstood by at least one person- this was all prompted by me saying a sentence or two about being frustrated by his flakiness. These two things sit oddly together. If you really just said a sentence or two about being frustrated by flakiness, why on Og’s green earth would you feel the need to apologize and explain yourself? Flakiness is frustrating, regardless of what the plans were or why you were looking forward to them or whether special arrangements had been made. No apology or explanation even remotely necessary. So I have to think that either you said something a little more intense than “Dude, WTF, you couldn’t at least call to let me know you weren’t coming?” or you were waaaaaaayyyyyy overthinking this whole exchange. > [@](#): > > I am willing to admit that I was in the wrong for not realizing the impropriety of my invitations I guess- but on the other hand I have other straight, male guy friends and this is a non-issue. It’s a non-issue for _those particular guys in those particular relationships_. It’s not necessarily inappropriate to go on solo outings with an involved guy, but it’s also not necessarily appropriate. It all depends on the particular guy, the boundaries of his particular relationship, and his interactions with you particularly. Some guys are blanket uncomfortable with solo outings with unattached women when they’re in a relationship, regardless of how okay with it their partner might be. Some guys are okay with solo outings but their partners aren’t. And sometimes, both partners are okay with solo outings with most people but not some handful of others. The most common reason for that handful of others to not be okay is because one party or another seems a little too invested. I can see this situation falling into any of those categories, really. He may have not felt comfortable turning down your invitation for a solo outing, but also not been comfortable with going, so he blew you off. Or he may have felt comfortable going but when his girlfriend found out it was just going to be the two of you, she vetoed the outing and he was uncomfortable explaining that. Or they may have both been comfortable until you had what could reasonably strike someone as an oddly intense reaction to him not going, at which point one or both of them decided that one-on-one stuff with you particularly wasn’t in their relationship’s best interests. In the end, though, it flat out doesn’t matter what category or categories this fell into–he’s not comfortable doing solo stuff with you. That’s the only thing that actually matters here. Pointing out how he did this and he did that and his girlfriend was there this, that, and the other time, and obviously you don’t want to date him…it comes across as being more invested in maintaining the possibility of solo outings than in respecting his boundaries and comfort level. It paints you as not being a friend of his romantic relationship, and _that_’s the Kiss of Death for either your friendship or his relationship. > [@](#): > > this is a kid in the country for a year who has a girlfriend of two months and may or may not have slept with another co-worker. So, if that’s all he is, why does this all matter to you so much? He’s just someone you worked with for a while who’ll be leaving the country in a few months, so what possible difference can it honestly make that you can’t do stuff alone together? ---
**Author:** ![Acsenray](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/acsenray/32/4519_2.png) [@Acsenray](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Acsenray)\ **Post date:** [August 18, 2014, 5:12pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/not-ok-for-guy-with-girlfriend-to-keep-in-touch-with-female-co-worker/695742/40 "2014-08-18T17:12:01Z")
What do you mean by “flaked”? Does it just mean he changed his mind or that he just failed to show up without informing you? [Previous page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/not-ok-for-guy-with-girlfriend-to-keep-in-touch-with-female-co-worker/695742.md?page=1) [Next page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/not-ok-for-guy-with-girlfriend-to-keep-in-touch-with-female-co-worker/695742.md?page=3)