# Not sure how I'm supposed to feel... **URL:** \ **Category:** Miscellaneous and Personal Stuff I Must Share\ **Created:** [July 27, 2016, 6:27pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/not-sure-how-im-supposed-to-feel/761048 "2016-07-27T18:27:39Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 11\ **Page:** 3
**Author:** ![Dung\_Beetle](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/dung_beetle/32/7945_2.png) [@Dung\_Beetle](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Dung_Beetle)\ **Post date:** [July 28, 2016, 4:03pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/not-sure-how-im-supposed-to-feel/761048/41 "2016-07-28T16:03:11Z")
> [@ReticulatingSplines](#): > > Missed the edit window, but I realize the core issue is that I didn’t enjoy watching her play video games, regardless of what was the right or wrong feeling, and the right person would have enjoyed it. No, I don’t think even “real dads” sit around watching their kid play video games! ---
**Author:** ![muldoonthief](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/muldoonthief/32/3188_2.png) [@muldoonthief](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/muldoonthief)\ **Post date:** [July 28, 2016, 4:03pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/not-sure-how-im-supposed-to-feel/761048/42 "2016-07-28T16:03:24Z")
> [@ReticulatingSplines](#): > > Missed the edit window, but I realize the core issue is that I didn’t enjoy watching her play video games, regardless of what was the right or wrong feeling, and the right person would have enjoyed it. WTH? The right person has to enjoy watching an 8 year old play video games? Not play with them, just sit and watch? I enjoy the hell out of video games, and play and have played them with all my kids, ever since I bought a copy of “Dora the Explorer” on Windows 98 for my 3 year old. But if any of them asked me to sit and watch them play for more than 5 minutes, I’d have either walked away or found them something useful to do. ---
**Author:** ![even\_sven](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/e/dfb087/32.png) [@even\_sven](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/even_sven)\ **Post date:** [July 28, 2016, 4:50pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/not-sure-how-im-supposed-to-feel/761048/43 "2016-07-28T16:50:10Z")
Her dating strategy in regard to guys with kids actually makes a lot of sense to me. Adding a second kid to a family- especially if they are the same gender- often isn’t a huge change. It’s more work, but not massively so. Adding a third kid, however, is an exponential addition of work and expense. Three kids is the point where you have to buy the minivan, rent two hotel rooms on vacation, look for rare four bedroom apartments, etc. More kids also likely means a wider age spread, so you could end up with kids in three different schools, completely different activities, and a generally unmanageable schedule. Of course lots of people have three kids and it’s fine. But it’s a different type of family and different kind of commitment than a smaller family. ---
**Author:** ![ReticulatingSplines](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/r/e274bd/32.png) [@ReticulatingSplines](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/ReticulatingSplines)\ **Post date:** [July 28, 2016, 5:19pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/not-sure-how-im-supposed-to-feel/761048/44 "2016-07-28T17:19:01Z")
> [@Dung\_Beetle](#): > > No, I don’t think even “real dads” sit around watching their kid play video games! > [@muldoonthief](#): > > WTH? The right person has to enjoy watching an 8 year old play video games? Not play with them, just sit and watch? > > I enjoy the hell out of video games, and play and have played them with all my kids, ever since I bought a copy of “Dora the Explorer” on Windows 98 for my 3 year old. But if any of them asked me to sit and watch them play for more than 5 minutes, I’d have either walked away or found them something useful to do. Yeah, I didn’t enjoy it. We got in a HUGE fight one time because I was sitting off to the side screwing around on my phone while she was playing a game. I didn’t know I was doing something wrong. I just didn’t know. I think the ex legitimately enjoys watching her kid do things because it means something different to her than me. As I’ve said, she feels guilty about the divorce and time spent working and all that jazz, so spending time watching her kid play video games is rewarding to her and makes her happy because she feels she’s ameliorating those perceived wrongs. But I don’t have any of that weighing on me, so it wasn’t as rewarding to me. She’d say, “You don’t enjoy this, you are just tolerating this, and I don’t want someone who will just tolerate it, I want someone who will enjoy it,” and I totally get that desire. But so much of actual parenting is just tolerating stuff. Parents themselves always joke that they love their kids but don’t like them. But I was frustrated because I felt like I wasn’t allowed to dislike anything. I’d tell her, “of course I don’t like watching her play games, who would?” And she’d get so angry at me. Boy, we really tortured each other, huh? ---
**Author:** ![Dung\_Beetle](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/dung_beetle/32/7945_2.png) [@Dung\_Beetle](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Dung_Beetle)\ **Post date:** [July 28, 2016, 5:22pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/not-sure-how-im-supposed-to-feel/761048/45 "2016-07-28T17:22:39Z")
> [@ReticulatingSplines](#): > > I didn’t know I was doing something wrong. I just didn’t know. You weren’t. Not _at all_, dear. Jeesh, I’m starting to feel sorry for that kid. ---
**Author:** ![digs](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/digs/32/14889_2.png) [@digs](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/digs)\ **Post date:** [July 28, 2016, 5:26pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/not-sure-how-im-supposed-to-feel/761048/46 "2016-07-28T17:26:15Z")
> [@ReticulatingSplines](#): > > Missed the edit window, but I realize the core issue is that I didn’t enjoy watching her play video games, regardless of what was the right or wrong feeling, and the right person would have enjoyed it. As a dad, **NO**. The “right person” would have hated that, and said “Hey, let’s put down that controller and go outside. I’ll teach you to play baseball!” Second option: “That looked like so much fun that I brought the Multi-Player version. Can you teach me how to play?” peeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeew… (What’s that sound? Oh, must be that bullet you dodged…) ---
**Author:** ![Grrr](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/grrr/32/146_2.png) [@Grrr](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Grrr)\ **Post date:** [July 28, 2016, 5:36pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/not-sure-how-im-supposed-to-feel/761048/47 "2016-07-28T17:36:28Z")
So basically, the ex is looking for a man who enthusiastically enjoys watching the grass grow. Good luck with that. /Single dad. Has no desire to watch my own son play video games. ---
**Author:** ![Maggie\_the\_Ocelot](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/df705f/32.png) [@Maggie\_the\_Ocelot](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Maggie_the_Ocelot)\ **Post date:** [July 28, 2016, 6:13pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/not-sure-how-im-supposed-to-feel/761048/48 "2016-07-28T18:13:56Z")
As I said in the first thread - if a person has a child, and your opinion is not “I like this small human, and I could come to love them”, you should not be in a relationship with that person. ---
**Author:** ![Corner\_Case](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/corner_case/32/234_2.png) [@Corner\_Case](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Corner_Case)\ **Post date:** [July 28, 2016, 6:38pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/not-sure-how-im-supposed-to-feel/761048/49 "2016-07-28T18:38:26Z")
I once accepted a date with a woman who had a pre-teen. I was thinking, “don’t be scared of the unknown, be honest, see how things go, etc.”. Then I noticed I was more “talking myself into” it than just seeing how things would go. I was discounting my feelings about what ‘was’ happening and trying to make myself ‘feel’ like I ‘should’. It wasn’t right for me then. Don’t settle in a relationship for what you think is the Right way to feel. About feeling confused and mad after the breakup - I would have felt mad - at myself for being conned. Perhaps that is a part of what you’re feeling. You didn’t see the “Signs”. Well, we all have our rose-colored glasses. If that’s part of it, tell yourself that “Yeah, I’m pissed at myself for being conned” and then you can start to get over it. It will still take time. Just flog yourself a little less each day and promise yourself not to pretend to be anything other than yourself. Then if things don’t work out, you have no regrets about yourself. ---
**Author:** ![Helena330](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/helena330/32/531_2.png) [@Helena330](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Helena330)\ **Post date:** [July 28, 2016, 7:00pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/not-sure-how-im-supposed-to-feel/761048/50 "2016-07-28T19:00:58Z")
> [@Grrr](#): > > So basically, the ex is looking for a man who enthusiastically enjoys watching the grass grow. > Good luck with that. > > /Single dad. Has no desire to watch my own son play video games. Look out, you’re going to get characterized as “demonizing”. ---
**Author:** ![ReticulatingSplines](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/r/e274bd/32.png) [@ReticulatingSplines](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/ReticulatingSplines)\ **Post date:** [July 28, 2016, 7:14pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/not-sure-how-im-supposed-to-feel/761048/51 "2016-07-28T19:14:44Z")
> [@Corner\_Case](#): > > About feeling confused and mad after the breakup - I would have felt mad - at myself for being conned. Perhaps that is a part of what you’re feeling. You didn’t see the “Signs”. Well, we all have our rose-colored glasses. It’s even worse because I saw the signs. She clearly had spent months inwardly breaking up with me. I did see that she was pulling away a little bit, and I mentioned it, but she kept saying things were okay. I mean, we had one talk where she said that we can always be fixed, we can always work anything out, and that I worry too much that little signs means the relationship might end. LITERALLY two weeks later she’s telling me we’re unfixable and it’s all over. Just so jarring. [Previous page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/not-sure-how-im-supposed-to-feel/761048.md?page=2)