# Note to self: Never buy cheap toilet paper again. (TMFI)
**URL:** https://boards.straightdope.com/t/note-to-self-never-buy-cheap-toilet-paper-again-tmfi/227675
**Category:** Miscellaneous and Personal Stuff I Must Share
**Created:** [February 5, 2004, 3:24pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/note-to-self-never-buy-cheap-toilet-paper-again-tmfi/227675 "2004-02-05T15:24:54Z")
**Posts on this page:** 20
**Page:** 2
### Author:  [@Lynn\_Bodoni](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Lynn_Bodoni)
#### Post date: [February 6, 2004, 12:04pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/note-to-self-never-buy-cheap-toilet-paper-again-tmfi/227675/21 "2004-02-06T12:04:54Z")
Even the softest TP can tear up your sensitive bits, if you have the Running Carbolic Shits (which is what my father always called it). Since I will get this ailment whenever I eat anything even remotely spicy\*, I’ve learned all about it. One hint I can give you…during your first bout, after cleaning yourself, put a bit of A&D ointment or Vaseline on a fresh bit of toilet paper, and apply it to the balloon knot. This will make future emissions and cleanup much less painful. Keep doing this each time you clean yourself up. TRUST me, you will find life much easier to bear. You will probably still have some pain, but you will no longer be bursting into tears at each step.
My dad served in Korea. He has always insisted on the finest TP money can buy. He didn’t care how else my mother stretched the budget, but he had to have the good stuff where TP was concerned.
\*This includes black pepper and any _Allium_ family (onion, garlic, shallots, leeks, etc.) in a raw or only partially cooked state. Thus, I cannot have onions on my pizza. They’re not cooked, and even if I pick them off, the residual juice is enough to trigger an attack. Some restaurants preseason EVERY meat dish with pepper, as in, the meat arrives in their kitchen already saturated with black pepper. This means that I don’t eat at that restaurant. Some restaurants season every single vegetable dish with black pepper. Again, this means that I can’t eat at that restaurant.
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### Author:  [@cards](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/cards)
#### Post date: [February 6, 2004, 3:04pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/note-to-self-never-buy-cheap-toilet-paper-again-tmfi/227675/22 "2004-02-06T15:04:37Z")
I can’t believe **lieu** hasn’t shown up yet.
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### Author:  [@Bruce\_Daddy](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Bruce_Daddy)
#### Post date: [February 6, 2004, 11:54pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/note-to-self-never-buy-cheap-toilet-paper-again-tmfi/227675/23 "2004-02-06T23:54:34Z")
> [@Lynn Bodoni](#):
>
> One hint I can give you…during your first bout, after cleaning yourself, put a bit of A&D ointment or Vaseline on a fresh bit of toilet paper, and apply it to the balloon knot. This will make future emissions and cleanup much less painful.
Awesome! Another excuse I can give for buying lubricants at the grocery store! 😃
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### Author:  [@ivylass](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/ivylass)
#### Post date: [February 7, 2004, 12:34am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/note-to-self-never-buy-cheap-toilet-paper-again-tmfi/227675/24 "2004-02-07T00:34:13Z")
“Balloon knot?”
I hadn’t heard that one before.
Yeah, where _is_ **lieu** , anyway? It’s not a poo thread until **lieu** has made his contribution.
That’s why we buy our TP at Sam’s. It’s kind of hard to run out of 40 rolls of Charmin quickly.
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### Author:  [@wolfman](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/wolfman)
#### Post date: [February 7, 2004, 3:52am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/note-to-self-never-buy-cheap-toilet-paper-again-tmfi/227675/25 "2004-02-07T03:52:17Z")
> [@](#):
>
> That’s why we buy our TP at Sam’s. It’s kind of hard to run out of 40 rolls of Charmin quickly.
Hehe at college that was one of my way of telling the years of the student. A freshman will grab a 4 pack and tuck it under the arm and run thorugh the checkout. A Sophomore or junior will nervously by a semi value pack. The senior will spend 20 minutes looking and squeezing before finally proudly walking out with a cubic yard of ass-cushiony goodness hiked on his shoulder.
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### Author:  [@whiterabbit](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/whiterabbit)
#### Post date: [February 7, 2004, 4:26am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/note-to-self-never-buy-cheap-toilet-paper-again-tmfi/227675/26 "2004-02-07T04:26:32Z")
> [@Lynn Bodoni](#):
>
> Running Carbolic Shits
Forgive me, but this has me giggling uncontrollably. And wincing.
I refuse to buy Charmin right now because of those damn bears, but I do not buy the household toilet paper. We too get the cases from Sam’s. They make good TP. Now if they’d just drop the bears-in-the-woods schtick…
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### Author:  [@Soul\_Brother\_Number\_Two](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Soul_Brother_Number_Two)
#### Post date: [February 7, 2004, 4:41am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/note-to-self-never-buy-cheap-toilet-paper-again-tmfi/227675/27 "2004-02-07T04:41:55Z")
runs in/“Roast Beef No-No Spot!”/runs out, giggling wildly
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### Author:  [@torie](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/torie)
#### Post date: [February 7, 2004, 5:43am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/note-to-self-never-buy-cheap-toilet-paper-again-tmfi/227675/28 "2004-02-07T05:43:02Z")
> [@Bruce\_Daddy](#):
>
> Yesterday, I had a job interview. I knew some of the guys over there, so afterwards, we went to China Buffet for lunch. We love the China Buffet, and the China Buffet loves us. We particularly like the grill in the back where you put together your own dish and the guy cooks it up for you.
[Hijack] Ooooooo…Are you talking about China Garden Buffet on Orchard Park? That is the BEST Chinese food in Greenville. They call that grill that Mongolian Bar. This elicits many many immature jokes from my friends and I. (I hope you are the one who lives in Greenville…Location tags,where are you?)[/Hijack]
BTW The OP was friggen hilarious!!! I thought I was the only person who had that problem. 😛
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### Author:  [@OpalCat](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/OpalCat)
#### Post date: [February 7, 2004, 5:47am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/note-to-self-never-buy-cheap-toilet-paper-again-tmfi/227675/29 "2004-02-07T05:47:04Z")
[http://www.lepetitbidet.com/](http://www.lepetitbidet.com/)
You can usually find them on ebay for ~$40
I have one in the master bath and one in the bathroom on the main level. It will revolutionize your whole universe. Takes about 5 minutes to install, by the way.
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### Author:  [@Mearl\_Dox](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Mearl_Dox)
#### Post date: [February 7, 2004, 6:45am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/note-to-self-never-buy-cheap-toilet-paper-again-tmfi/227675/30 "2004-02-07T06:45:43Z")
I have more than my fair share of agonizing poops, thanks to a medical disorder when I’m sick and a love of jalapenos when I’m healthy.
I try to keep a pack of Preparation H Medicated Wipes in the bathroom. The very package says “Gentle, Everyday Cleansing to Soothe Irritation;” sound wonderful, don’t it? It’s meant for ‘hemorrhoidal and vaginal use’ according to the box, but it’s pretty soothing for any kind of discomfort. Even nice toilet paper can start to hurt after enough diarrhea, but think of the soothing cooling feeling of a soft moist medicated wipe… I’ll bet baby wipes would work pretty well too, in fact.
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### Author:  [@Briny\_Deep](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Briny_Deep)
#### Post date: [February 7, 2004, 6:52am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/note-to-self-never-buy-cheap-toilet-paper-again-tmfi/227675/31 "2004-02-07T06:52:58Z")
I really hate posting in this sort of thread, becasue my friends don’t know that I shit, but I must say decent toilet paper is one of life’s necessities. Believe me I’ve lived through tough times, but I’ve never tried to save money on asswipe. Surely now you see the error of your ways and you’re back to Charmin, no matter the price.
Here, for inspiration:
> [@](#):
>
> Once I did wipe me with a gentlewoman’s velvet mask, and found it to be good; for the softness of the silk was very voluptuous and pleasant to my fundament. Another time with one of their hoods, and in like manner that was comfortable; at another time with a lady’s neckerchief, and after that some ear-pieces made of crimson satin; but there was such a number of golden spangles in them that they fetched away all the skin off my tail with a vengeance. This hurt I cured by wiping myself with a page’s cap, garnished with a feather after the Swiss fashion. Afterwards, in dunging behind a bush, I found a March-cat, and with it daubed my breech, but her claws were so sharp that they grievously exulcerated my peritoneum. Of this I recovered the next morning thereafter, by wiping myself with my mother’s gloves, of a most excellent perfume of Arabia. [He continues in this vein for several pages.] But to conclude, I say and maintain that of all arse-wisps, bum-fodders, tail-napkins, bung-hole-cleansers and wipe-breeches, there is none in this world comparable to the neck of a goose, that is well downed, if you hold her head betwixt your legs: and believe me therein upon mine honour; for you will thereby feel in your nockhole a most wonderful pleasure, both in regard of the softness of the said down, and of the temperate heat of the goose; which is easily communicated to the bumgut and the rest of the intestines, insofar as to come even to the regions of the heart and brains. And think not that the felicity of the heroes and demigods, in the Elysian fields, consisteth either in their Ambrosia or Nectar, but in this, that they wipe their tails with the necks of geese.
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### Author:  [@Jenaroph](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Jenaroph)
#### Post date: [February 7, 2004, 7:07am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/note-to-self-never-buy-cheap-toilet-paper-again-tmfi/227675/32 "2004-02-07T07:07:36Z")
Twain, isn’t it? 😃
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### Author:  [@ccwaterback](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/ccwaterback)
#### Post date: [February 7, 2004, 8:22am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/note-to-self-never-buy-cheap-toilet-paper-again-tmfi/227675/33 "2004-02-07T08:22:17Z")
I’m staying in a hotel this weekend and I swear the toilet paper here is newspaper without the ink.
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### Author:  [@si\_blakely](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/si_blakely)
#### Post date: [February 7, 2004, 12:44pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/note-to-self-never-buy-cheap-toilet-paper-again-tmfi/227675/34 "2004-02-07T12:44:06Z")
I always have baby wipes in the “smallest room” - for those sensitive times, and just as a final cleaning stage.
My wife complains that it is expensive, but once you use a wipe after you have got “clean” with toilet paper, you won’t go back to just paper.
Si
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### Author:  [@Bruce\_Daddy](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Bruce_Daddy)
#### Post date: [February 7, 2004, 6:38pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/note-to-self-never-buy-cheap-toilet-paper-again-tmfi/227675/35 "2004-02-07T18:38:04Z")
> [@torie](#):
>
> [Hijack] Ooooooo…Are you talking about China Garden Buffet on Orchard Park? That is the BEST Chinese food in Greenville. They call that grill that Mongolian Bar. This elicits many many immature jokes from my friends and I. (I hope you are the one who lives in Greenville…Location tags,where are you?)[/Hijack]
That’s the one, across from Chiefs.
And locations are back, [here’s](http://boards.straightdope.com/sdmb/showthread.php?t=238006) a thread about it.
864 representing!
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### Author:  [@Guy\_Incognito](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Guy_Incognito)
#### Post date: [February 7, 2004, 7:01pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/note-to-self-never-buy-cheap-toilet-paper-again-tmfi/227675/36 "2004-02-07T19:01:14Z")
> [@Jenaroph](#):
>
> Twain, isn’t it? 😃
Actually, I think it’s Rabelais.
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### Author:  [@Cicero](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Cicero)
#### Post date: [February 8, 2004, 4:53am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/note-to-self-never-buy-cheap-toilet-paper-again-tmfi/227675/37 "2004-02-08T04:53:52Z")
I’ve laughed every time with this thread- but what is TFMI?
🆒
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### Author:  [@lisacurl](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/lisacurl)
#### Post date: [February 8, 2004, 5:01am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/note-to-self-never-buy-cheap-toilet-paper-again-tmfi/227675/38 "2004-02-08T05:01:57Z")
> [@Cicero](#):
>
> I’ve laughed every time with this thread- but what is TFMI?
Too much f’ing information. 😃
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### Author:  [@Hunter\_Hawk](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Hunter_Hawk)
#### Post date: [February 8, 2004, 12:05pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/note-to-self-never-buy-cheap-toilet-paper-again-tmfi/227675/39 "2004-02-08T12:05:17Z")
> [@](#):
>
> But to conclude, I say and maintain that of all arse-wisps, bum-fodders, tail-napkins, bung-hole-cleansers and wipe-breeches, there is none in this world comparable to the neck of a goose, that is well downed, if you hold her head betwixt your legs: and believe me therein upon mine honour; for you will thereby feel in your nockhole a most wonderful pleasure, both in regard of the softness of the said down, and of the temperate heat of the goose; which is easily communicated to the bumgut and the rest of the intestines, insofar as to come even to the regions of the heart and brains. And think not that the felicity of the heroes and demigods, in the Elysian fields, consisteth either in their Ambrosia or Nectar, but in this, that they wipe their tails with the necks of geese.
Yeah, but if a swan can break a man’s arm, then can a goose break…?
---
### Author:  [@OpalCat](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/OpalCat)
#### Post date: [February 9, 2004, 12:00am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/note-to-self-never-buy-cheap-toilet-paper-again-tmfi/227675/40 "2004-02-09T00:00:00Z")
> [@si\_blakely](#):
>
> I always have baby wipes in the “smallest room” - for those sensitive times, and just as a final cleaning stage.
>
> My wife complains that it is expensive, but once you use a wipe after you have got “clean” with toilet paper, you won’t go back to just paper.
>
> Si
And once you’ve had the bidet seat attachment… you’ll never feel clean with a wipe, either. I hate using other people’s toilets now. My analogy is this: if you got poop on your arm, which would you choose to clean it off: dry toilet paper or pressurized water? Hmmmm…
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