# Now Accepting Applications **URL:** \ **Category:** Miscellaneous and Personal Stuff I Must Share\ **Created:** [March 27, 2002, 7:16pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/now-accepting-applications/100432 "2002-03-27T19:16:02Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 12\ **Page:** 1
**Author:** ![Sofa\_King](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/58956e/32.png) [@Sofa\_King](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Sofa_King)\ **Post date:** [March 27, 2002, 7:16pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/now-accepting-applications/100432/1 "2002-03-27T19:16:02Z")
Hi folks. I’m thinking about going into business for myself, and in the unusual circumstance where I am wildly successful, I may eventually need an assistant. With that in mind, I have carefully crafted this questionaire in order to identify potential interview candidates. If you are interested in applying for this non-existent job, please check the answers that most closely match how you would answer the question. If for some reason none of the answers match how you would respond, you may also add your own comments in the space provided. **Professional Experience** From my work experience, I have learned To bcc damning e-mails to the boss using a co-worker’s computer. That my Ivy-league degree can open the front door of Fort Knox, if I desire it. That aerosol is a much better method of transmission than a mere powder. \_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_ When I come in late, I Have it covered, because I made sure to leave a half-eaten bagel and a cup of coffee at my desk the night before. Am willing to offer my body to the boss, so long as it stays unreported. Am willing to offer my body to the boss, any time, for any reason, because he’s the sexiest thing since William Shatner. \_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_ The most important thing about any job is The personal reward that success and excellence brings. Free office supplies. _Sheeeeeit._ \_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_ **Situational Awareness** You are driving a Lexus in North West Washington, DC. You are A drug dealer. A diplomat. An asshole. \_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_ You are delivering an important speech to a large body of your peers. You Imagine everyone in the audience in their underclothes. Imagine everyone in the audience in their garments. Don’t wear underclothes. \_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_ You are at a party when a strange scent fills the room. In a corner are three people sharing a small, hand-rolled cigarette. When they see you watching them, they offer it to you. Dude. I wouldn’t accept it. Also, I’d report the person who gave it to me to the police. I don’t have to listen to your lies. \_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_ **Hobbies and Personal Interests** Rush Pre-_Signals_. Post-_Signals_. Jennifer Jason-Leigh has a great ass. \_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_ Jackson Pollock Yes, I vaguely remember this joke. Could have kicked the living shit out of Andy Warhol. Was the first American to orbit the earth. \_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_ I collect beer cans But only pre-war cone-tops from the American Can Company. Separately from the green glass and newspapers. Under my computer table. \_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_ **Personal Habits** I drink Only distilled water, or rainwater, and pure grain alcohol. My own urine, to stay fit. Constantly. \_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_ I bathe Regularly. Compulsively. In my own natural scent, _mon ami_. \_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_ I sometimes laugh At other peoples’ misfortunes. Out loud when I’m watching F-Troop. When I mean to cry, sometimes followed by catalepsy. \_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_ Thank you for your participation. Feel free to e-mail this application to me, or proudly post it right here for all to see! If everything goes as planned, I’ll be in touch with you in a year or two. ---
**Author:** ![swampbear](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/swampbear/32/467_2.png) [@swampbear](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/swampbear)\ **Post date:** [March 27, 2002, 7:52pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/now-accepting-applications/100432/2 "2002-03-27T19:52:51Z")
Professional Experience From my work experience, I have learned To bcc damning e-mails to the boss using a co-worker’s computer. That my Ivy-league degree can open the front door of Fort Knox, if I desire it. That aerosol is a much better method of transmission than a mere powder. I also like to damn the boss in emails to my co-workers. When I come in late, I Have it covered, because I made sure to leave a half-eaten bagel and a cup of coffee at my desk the night before. Am willing to offer my body to the boss, so long as it stays unreported. Am willing to offer my body to the boss, any time, for any reason, because he’s the sexiest thing since William Shatner. Hell, who am I kidding, I’ll just offer my body to just about anyone who’s willing. The most important thing about any job is The personal reward that success and excellence brings. Free office supplies. Sheeeeeit. the opportunity to apply for other jobs over the internet while pretending to be working. Situational Awareness You are driving a Lexus in North West Washington, DC. You are A drug dealer. A diplomat. An asshole. a drug dealer delivering to an asshole diplomat. You are delivering an important speech to a large body of your peers. You Imagine everyone in the audience in their underclothes. Imagine everyone in the audience in their garments. Don’t wear underclothes. ask particularly attractive members of the audience to remove their underclothes and toss them to me during the speech. You are at a party when a strange scent fills the room. In a corner are three people sharing a small, hand-rolled cigarette. When they see you watching them, they offer it to you. Dude. I wouldn’t accept it. Also, I’d report the person who gave it to me to the police. I don’t have to listen to your lies. \_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_ Hobbies and Personal Interests Rush Pre-Signals. Post-Signals. Jennifer Jason-Leigh has a great ass. Maybe Jennifer Jason-Leigh has an older brother or other male relative who has a great ass. Jackson Pollock Yes, I vaguely remember this joke. Could have kicked the living shit out of Andy Warhol. Was the first American to orbit the earth. I’ve never had a fish named Jackson. I collect beer cans But only pre-war cone-tops from the American Can Company. Separately from the green glass and newspapers. Under my computer table. and will one day use them to build my retirement home. Personal Habits I drink Only distilled water, or rainwater, and pure grain alcohol. My own urine, to stay fit. Constantly. especially during working hours. I bathe Regularly. Compulsively. In my own natural scent, mon ami. and if the money’s right I’ll bathe in front of the boss. I sometimes laugh At other peoples’ misfortunes. Out loud when I’m watching F-Troop. When I mean to cry, sometimes followed by catalepsy. loudly and insanely for hours on end. ---
**Author:** ![auntie\_em](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/a/5e9695/32.png) [@auntie\_em](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/auntie_em)\ **Post date:** [March 27, 2002, 8:15pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/now-accepting-applications/100432/3 "2002-03-27T20:15:29Z")
**Professional Experience** From my work experience, I have learned To bcc damning e-mails to the boss using a co-worker’s computer. That my Ivy-league degree can open the front door of Fort Knox, if I desire it. That aerosol is a much better method of transmission than a mere powder. That people will leave you alone if you look perpetually constipated. That way there can be uninterrupted MineSweeper. When I come in late, I Have it covered, because I made sure to leave a half-eaten bagel and a cup of coffee at my desk the night before. Am willing to offer my body to the boss, so long as it stays unreported. Am willing to offer my body to the boss, any time, for any reason, because he’s the sexiest thing since William Shatner. Just limp and look constipated. Nobody asks questions. The most important thing about any job is The personal reward that success and excellence brings. Free office supplies. _Sheeeeeit._ The quality of the food served at lunch meetings. **Situational Awareness** You are driving a Lexus in North West Washington, DC. You are A drug dealer. A diplomat. An asshole. Lost like a muthaf\*cka (and apparently I have amnesia as well). You are delivering an important speech to a large body of your peers. You Imagine everyone in the audience in their underclothes. Imagine everyone in the audience in their garments. Don’t wear underclothes. Don’t wear garments (it was the next logical step). You are at a party when a strange scent fills the room. In a corner are three people sharing a small, hand-rolled cigarette. When they see you watching them, they offer it to you. Dude. I wouldn’t accept it. Also, I’d report the person who gave it to me to the police. I don’t have to listen to your lies. Step aside. I’ve got an empty Pepsi can. **Hobbies and Personal Interests** Rush Pre-_Signals_. Post-_Signals_. Jennifer Jason-Leigh has a great ass. No. Jackson Pollock Yes, I vaguely remember this joke. Could have kicked the living shit out of Andy Warhol. Was the first American to orbit the earth. Has a great ass. I collect beer cans But only pre-war cone-tops from the American Can Company. Separately from the green glass and newspapers. Under my computer table. Remember how on _ZOOM_ they showed you how to make stilts out of them? Oh, wait–you were supposed to use APPLE JUICE cans? **Personal Habits** I drink Only distilled water, or rainwater, and pure grain alcohol. My own urine, to stay fit. Constantly. Temporarily. I bathe Regularly. Compulsively. In my own natural scent, _mon ami_. For Medical Reasons. I sometimes laugh At other peoples’ misfortunes. Out loud when I’m watching F-Troop. When I mean to cry, sometimes followed by catalepsy. At other people’s poetry (is that the same as misfortunes?) ---
**Author:** ![lieu](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/l/c2a13f/32.png) [@lieu](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/lieu)\ **Post date:** [March 27, 2002, 8:27pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/now-accepting-applications/100432/4 "2002-03-27T20:27:17Z")
**Professional Experience** From my work experience, I have learned To bcc damning e-mails to the boss using a co-worker’s computer. That my Ivy-league degree can open the front door of Fort Knox, if I desire it. That aerosol is a much better method of transmission than a mere powder. That it’s the squeaky clean that gets the grease. When I come in late, I Have it covered, because I made sure to leave a half-eaten bagel and a cup of coffee at my desk the night before. Am willing to offer my body to the boss, so long as it stays unreported. Am willing to offer my body to the boss, any time, for any reason, because he’s the sexiest thing since William Shatner. Skip the elevator and arrive with the window washer. The most important thing about any job is The personal reward that success and excellence brings. Free office supplies. _Sheeeeeit._ the proximity of my parking space to the elevator. **Situational Awareness** You are driving a Lexus in North West Washington, DC. You are A drug dealer. A diplomat. An asshole. Very very lost. You are delivering an important speech to a large body of your peers. You Imagine everyone in the audience in their underclothes. Imagine everyone in the audience in their garments. Don’t wear underclothes. Hope the raging erection passes quickly. You are at a party when a strange scent fills the room. In a corner are three people sharing a small, hand-rolled cigarette. When they see you watching them, they offer it to you. Dude. I wouldn’t accept it. Also, I’d report the person who gave it to me to the police. I don’t have to listen to your lies. Why yes indeedy, I was the ZigZag model. **Hobbies and Personal Interests** Rush Pre-_Signals_. Post-_Signals_. Jennifer Jason-Leigh has a great ass. Think of Geddy Lee to quell that erection. Jackson Pollock Yes, I vaguely remember this joke. Could have kicked the living shit out of Andy Warhol. Was the first American to orbit the earth. Apparently used my toilet. I collect beer cans But only pre-war cone-tops from the American Can Company. Separately from the green glass and newspapers. Under my computer table. As a means of jogging my memory. **Personal Habits** I drink Only distilled water, or rainwater, and pure grain alcohol. My own urine, to stay fit. Constantly. Therefore, I pee. I bathe Regularly. Compulsively. In my own natural scent, _mon ami_. In the afterglow of… stuff. I sometimes laugh At other peoples’ misfortunes. Out loud when I’m watching F-Troop. When I mean to cry, sometimes followed by catalepsy. At well-conceived threads. Bravo Sofa. ---
**Author:** ![belladonna](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/b/9fc29f/32.png) [@belladonna](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/belladonna)\ **Post date:** [March 27, 2002, 8:50pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/now-accepting-applications/100432/5 "2002-03-27T20:50:33Z")
**Professional Experience** From my work experience, I have learned [_] To bcc damning e-mails to the boss using a co-worker’s computer. [_] That my Ivy-league degree can open the front door of Fort Knox, if I desire it. That aerosol is a much better method of transmission than a mere powder. That my Ivy-league degree can open a can of beans, if it has help from a can opener. When I come in late, I [_] Have it covered, because I made sure to leave a half-eaten bagel and a cup of coffee at my desk the night before. [_] Am willing to offer my body to the boss, so long as it stays unreported. Am willing to offer my body to the boss, any time, for any reason, because he’s the sexiest thing since William Shatner. Leave early to make up the difference The most important thing about any job is [_] The personal reward that success and excellence brings. [_] Free office supplies. _Sheeeeeit._ the paycheck **Situational Awareness** You are driving a Lexus in North West Washington, DC. You are [_] A drug dealer. [_] A diplomat. An asshole. A car thief, apparently You are delivering an important speech to a large body of your peers. You [_] Imagine everyone in the audience in their underclothes. [_] Imagine everyone in the audience in their garments. Don’t wear underclothes. Here’s [confirmation](http://boards.straightdope.com/sdmb/showthread.php?threadid=101600) You are at a party when a strange scent fills the room. In a corner are three people sharing a small, hand-rolled cigarette. When they see you watching them, they offer it to you. [_] Dude. [_] I wouldn’t accept it. Also, I’d report the person who gave it to me to the police. I don’t have to listen to your lies. Grab it and run. The party was boring anyway. **Hobbies and Personal Interests** Rush [_] Pre-Signals. [_] Post-_Signals_. Jennifer Jason-Leigh has a great ass. Stop Jackson Pollock [_] Yes, I vaguely remember this joke. [_] Could have kicked the living shit out of Andy Warhol. Was the first American to orbit the earth. Could have _used_ the living shit out of Andy Warhol. I collect beer cans [_] But only pre-war cone-tops from the American Can Company. [_] Separately from the green glass and newspapers. Under my computer table. To support the shelf that holds my vodka **Personal Habits** I drink [_] Only distilled water, or rainwater, and pure grain alcohol. [_] My own urine, to stay fit. Constantly. I get drunk, I fall down. I bathe Regularly. Compulsively. In my own natural scent, _mon ami_. Kiwi-Scented BubbleBath Required. I sometimes laugh [_] At other peoples’ misfortunes. [_] Out loud when I’m watching F-Troop. When I mean to cry, sometimes followed by catalepsy. Out loud when I see people actually watching F-Troop ---
**Author:** ![iampunha](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/i/74df32/32.png) [@iampunha](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/iampunha)\ **Post date:** [March 27, 2002, 10:27pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/now-accepting-applications/100432/6 "2002-03-27T22:27:14Z")
**Professional Experience** From my work experience, I have learned To bcc damning e-mails to the boss using a co-worker’s computer. That my Ivy-league degree can open the front door of Fort Knox, if I desire it. That aerosol is a much better method of transmission than a mere powder. I am job. When I come in late, I Have it covered, because I made sure to leave a half-eaten bagel and a cup of coffee at my desk the night before. Am willing to offer my body to the boss, so long as it stays unreported. Am willing to offer my body to the boss, any time, for any reason, because he’s the sexiest thing since William Shatner. do not think William Shatner is sexy, but that wouldn’t stop me if he (my boss) were willing. The most important thing about any job is The personal reward that success and excellence brings. Free office supplies. _Sheeeeeit._ Can I ultimately get paid for doing absolutely nothing? In other words, is this a middle management position? **Situational Awareness** You are driving a Lexus in North West Washington, DC. You are A drug dealer. A diplomat. An asshole. “slumming it”. Now if you can just outrace those hooligans and their spray paint cans and make it back in time for the MacNeil/Lehrer Newshour… You are delivering an important speech to a large body of your peers. You Imagine everyone in the audience in their underclothes. Imagine everyone in the audience in their garments. Don’t wear underclothes. call in sick that day and don’t get out of your underclothes. You are at a party when a strange scent fills the room. In a corner are three people sharing a small, hand-rolled cigarette. When they see you watching them, they offer it to you. Dude. I wouldn’t accept it. Also, I’d report the person who gave it to me to the police. I don’t have to listen to your lies. “I’m not a chicken, you’re a turkey!” **Hobbies and Personal Interests** Rush Pre-_Signals_. Post-_Signals_. Jennifer Jason-Leigh has a great ass. Mmm, boobies. Jackson Pollock Yes, I vaguely remember this joke. Could have kicked the living shit out of Andy Warhol. Was the first American to orbit the earth. Mmm, boobies. I collect beer cans But only pre-war cone-tops from the American Can Company. Separately from the green glass and newspapers. Under my computer table. Mmm, boobies. **Personal Habits** I drink Only distilled water, or rainwater, and pure grain alcohol. My own urine, to stay fit. Constantly. Mmm, boobies. I bathe Regularly. Compulsively. In my own natural scent, _mon ami_. Yyyyyeah. I sometimes laugh At other peoples’ misfortunes. Out loud when I’m watching F-Troop. When I mean to cry, sometimes followed by catalepsy. At funny-looking boobies. ---
**Author:** ![scout1222](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/34f0e0/32.png) [@scout1222](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/scout1222)\ **Post date:** [March 27, 2002, 11:52pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/now-accepting-applications/100432/7 "2002-03-27T23:52:49Z")
**Professional Experience** From my work experience, I have learned That posting to a message board sounds suspiciously like work. When I come in late, I Relish the fact that my boss will be in even _LATER_, and hence never know. The most important thing about any job is Speedy internet connection **Situational Awareness** You are driving a Lexus in North West Washington, DC. You are An idiot who needs to get his ass on the Metro. You are delivering an important speech to a large body of your peers. You Imagine everyone in the audience is taking off _MY_ underclothes. You are at a party when a strange scent fills the room. In a corner are three people sharing a small, hand-rolled cigarette. When they see you watching them, they offer it to you. Who am I kidding? They’d never offer it to me. I’m way to square. **Hobbies and Personal Interests** Rush Huh? Jackson Pollock Apparently is a dead ringer for Ed Harris (rrrrowwwwrrrr!) I collect beer cans Separately from the green glass and newspapers. **Personal Habits** I drink Diet Coke… Constantly. I bathe Regularly. I _ALWAYS_ laugh At bodily functions. After extensive research into your organization, I feel that I would be an excellent fit with your needs…[insert typical ass-kissing, job-hunting buzzwords here] ---
**Author:** ![iampunha](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/i/74df32/32.png) [@iampunha](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/iampunha)\ **Post date:** [March 28, 2002, 12:33am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/now-accepting-applications/100432/8 "2002-03-28T00:33:49Z")
You’re hired. What? I’m not signed in as **Sofa King**? Aw, crap. 'Ey, Yo, Sofa, I got 'er right 'ere… ---
**Author:** ![Sofa\_King](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/58956e/32.png) [@Sofa\_King](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Sofa_King)\ **Post date:** [March 28, 2002, 12:59am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/now-accepting-applications/100432/9 "2002-03-28T00:59:25Z")
Who the hell is Ed Harris? ---
**Author:** ![scout1222](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/34f0e0/32.png) [@scout1222](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/scout1222)\ **Post date:** [March 28, 2002, 5:43pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/now-accepting-applications/100432/10 "2002-03-28T17:43:38Z")
Who, me??? Who is Ed Harris? WHO IS ED HARRIS??? Puh-leeze [asskisser] Whoever he is, **Sofa** , I’m sure he’s not NEARLY as handsome as you… [/asskisser] **iampunha** , if’n you were referring to my answers, what gotcha? The bodily function humor? Or did I have you at hello?😉 ---
**Author:** ![auntie\_em](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/a/5e9695/32.png) [@auntie\_em](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/auntie_em)\ **Post date:** [March 28, 2002, 6:02pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/now-accepting-applications/100432/11 "2002-03-28T18:02:32Z")
> [@](#): > > \*Originally posted by Sofa King \* > \*\*Who the hell is Ed Harris? \*\* Why, the guy who played Pollock in the movie. But his true Oscar-worthy turn was starring opposite Melanie Griffith in “Milk Money”. ---
**Author:** ![scout1222](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/34f0e0/32.png) [@scout1222](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/scout1222)\ **Post date:** [March 28, 2002, 6:28pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/now-accepting-applications/100432/12 "2002-03-28T18:28:14Z")
Ed Harris in Milk Money :: swoon ::