# Now Hiring...Apply Within! **URL:** \ **Category:** Miscellaneous and Personal Stuff I Must Share\ **Created:** [July 16, 2004, 1:28pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/now-hiring-apply-within/255406 "2004-07-16T13:28:01Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 11\ **Page:** 2
**Author:** ![kittenblue](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/k/ba8739/32.png) [@kittenblue](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/kittenblue)\ **Post date:** [July 17, 2004, 3:18am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/now-hiring-apply-within/255406/21 "2004-07-17T03:18:10Z")
**Nametag** has definitely created the position of Lord High Chamberlain of Employee Relations and Nametags. And thanks, **Dangerosa** for the offer to step in as pastry chef, but I’ve having gastric bypass surgery, so refined sugar will be a thing of the past. Though the staff lunchroom will need a chef… Sorry, **LouisB** if you want to work for **The Kittenblue Group** you have got to be more flexible. As for wall diagrams of the Enterprise, well, **sturmhauke** , I am content with the Big Book of Enterprise Blueprints and Technical Drawings for now. And **harmless**? The only opening right now for an ex-harem queen is laundress. All the hanky-panky around **TKG** is going to be between management and staff: don’t need you seducing the help! Besides, darling, orgies cause wrinkles, or didn’t Eve tell you? oh, and **ShibbOleth**? Flattery is almost outweighing the England points. Keep it up! ---
**Author:** ![harmless](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/h/2acd7d/32.png) [@harmless](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/harmless)\ **Post date:** [July 17, 2004, 3:26am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/now-hiring-apply-within/255406/22 "2004-07-17T03:26:40Z")
> [@kittenblue](#): > > And **harmless**? The only opening right now for an ex-harem queen is laundress. All the hanky-panky around **TKG** is going to be between management and staff: don’t need you seducing the help! Besides, darling, orgies cause wrinkles, or didn’t Eve tell you? ex-harem queen? EX-harem queen?!? :dubious: Uh-Uh! The only way orgies cause wrinkles is if you throw the clothes on the floor, TYVM! I withdraw my application if you’re going to be insulting! 😛 ---
**Author:** ![Kallessa](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/k/7993a0/32.png) [@Kallessa](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Kallessa)\ **Post date:** [July 17, 2004, 7:54am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/now-hiring-apply-within/255406/23 "2004-07-17T07:54:03Z")
Attention! Anyone having the requirements for this position: > [@](#): > > Paramour and ConsortProvide good lovin’ and lots of it! Be on-call 24/7. Must be male, middle-aged, straight and preferably fixed. Must have a good imagination, a working knowledge of the female anatomy and a sense of humor. Must successfully complete a hands-on tryout within a 2-hour timeframe. Must be process-oriented rather than focused on personal outcomes. Must be able to stay up late and get up early. is hereby notified that I am willing to double any offer given to you by **kittenblue** , will convey the title of King Feelgood on you (plus various, mutually acceptable pet names), give you full kitchen privledges, allow you to watch at least one televised sports event a week, sleep in late and to drive the car without commenting on your speed, direction or choice of music (excluding some country and gangster rap). In addition, I live in the Pacific Northwest, so good weather is yours for the asking, and, should you need additional recreation, great skiing, boating, hiking and damn near anything else is close by. My modesty prevents me from adding that, should the above job description have been placed by a man in search of a female paramour and consort, I would fulfill its requirements in ways beyond the hope and expectation of the employer. Really. Position available for one individual only. ---
**Author:** ![kittenblue](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/k/ba8739/32.png) [@kittenblue](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/kittenblue)\ **Post date:** [July 17, 2004, 12:19pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/now-hiring-apply-within/255406/24 "2004-07-17T12:19:55Z")
> [@Kallessa](#): > > Attention! > > Anyone having the requirements for this position: > > is hereby notified that I am willing to double any offer given to you by **kittenblue** … And there, in a nutshell, is the story of my life. Every time I manage to aquire a paramour/consort, some ATTENTION-whore 😃 swoops in to lure him away! It happened with Pete McClure in high school (Twice!), with my husband (Nine times by his last confession) and even with the last guy. Sigh. **Kallessa** , could we agree that you stick to guys west of the Mississippi? And guys, what she said about not criticizing your driving? Just a come-on. Give her six months and then no parking space will be good enough for her. And that sleeping late thing? You can’t already hear the whip cracking? Wake up now! So let me sweeten the pot. Five times the base salary. All the fun and games you could want and still be able to walk the next day. Kindness, respect, laughter and admiration. Really good food. Non-interfering relatives. Power tools and a workshop. All the books, music and NPR you want. A great location with a really big lake. A grateful employer, computer access and full control of the remote. Plus other benefits to be negotiated later. ---
**Author:** ![harmless](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/h/2acd7d/32.png) [@harmless](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/harmless)\ **Post date:** [July 17, 2004, 2:32pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/now-hiring-apply-within/255406/25 "2004-07-17T14:32:29Z")
> [@kittenblue](#): > > Every time I manage to aquire a paramour/consort, some ATTENTION-whore 😃 swoops in to lure him away! As Official Attention Ho, two thousand Fo’ I would like to state I had almost _nothing_ to do with it! 😛 ---
**Author:** ![kittenblue](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/k/ba8739/32.png) [@kittenblue](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/kittenblue)\ **Post date:** [July 17, 2004, 2:49pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/now-hiring-apply-within/255406/26 "2004-07-17T14:49:31Z")
See, you’re an Attention 'Ho with discretion…no Size7 font for you! Class, decorum…all the good descriptors. In fact, I’m beginning to wonder how you got the title 😛 Maybe I’d better read that thread…I think I skipped over it. I need to pick up some pointers, obviously! ---
**Author:** ![Kallessa](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/k/7993a0/32.png) [@Kallessa](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Kallessa)\ **Post date:** [July 17, 2004, 7:51pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/now-hiring-apply-within/255406/27 "2004-07-17T19:51:19Z")
- Hmm, a bidding war would not be in **kittenblue’s** or my own interests, can’t have the consorts thinking they’re a valuable commodity, they’re all go free agency and we’ll end up with overpriced middle-aged men demanding to re-negotiate every two years. Not good.\* **kittenblue** , your suggestion of letting me have those qualified applicants west of the Mississippi is a stroke of genius! For any applicant in the USA I accept your offer. However, I too am fond of a good accent, so I suggest we agree to jointly vet any foreign applicants. That way, we don’t artificially drive up the price, but still engage in fair competition (fair to us, at least, and that’s the important thing, right?) Do we have a deal? ---
**Author:** ![Quartz](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/quartz/32/267_2.png) [@Quartz](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Quartz)\ **Post date:** [July 17, 2004, 8:40pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/now-hiring-apply-within/255406/28 "2004-07-17T20:40:17Z")
Allow me to offer an alternative, **kittenblue** : you could jack it all in and come to England and come and keep house for me - single batchelor, small house. Bread and board only. 😃 ---
**Author:** ![kittenblue](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/k/ba8739/32.png) [@kittenblue](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/kittenblue)\ **Post date:** [July 18, 2004, 4:08am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/now-hiring-apply-within/255406/29 "2004-07-18T04:08:37Z")
> [@Kallessa](#): > > - Hmm, a bidding war would not be in **kittenblue’s** or my own interests, can’t have the consorts thinking they’re a valuable commodity, they’re all go free agency and we’ll end up with overpriced middle-aged men demanding to re-negotiate every two years. Not good.\* > > **kittenblue** , your suggestion of letting me have those qualified applicants west of the Mississippi is a stroke of genius! For any applicant in the USA I accept your offer. However, I too am fond of a good accent, so I suggest we agree to jointly vet any foreign applicants. That way, we don’t artificially drive up the price, but still engage in fair competition (fair to us, at least, and that’s the important thing, right?) > > Do we have a deal? You’re absolutely right. Once they know their worth, we’re toast. So yes, we have a deal. But since this is MY STAFF I’m advertising for, I get first crack at the foreign guys. After all, when they fly over for the auditions, they have to fly over me first, so they may as well land and see if they need to continue on. However, you may have first choice of any French or Spanish or Asian guys, because those accents don’t make my knees wobbly like the UK and Aussie ones. Of course, if I take **qts** up on his offer, all deals are off. But I’ve just been dumped by one IT guy, so I’m gonna have to do some serious thinking. ---
**Author:** ![Kallessa](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/k/7993a0/32.png) [@Kallessa](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Kallessa)\ **Post date:** [July 18, 2004, 8:41pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/now-hiring-apply-within/255406/30 "2004-07-18T20:41:43Z")
Technically, the Aussie fly over me first, but I’d trade you first refusal rights on them if you give me first refusal rights to the Irish ones. Unfortunately, we don’t seem to be getting an overwhelming response. You don’t think men are getting tired of just being sex objects, do you? ---
**Author:** ![kittenblue](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/k/ba8739/32.png) [@kittenblue](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/kittenblue)\ **Post date:** [July 18, 2004, 9:15pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/now-hiring-apply-within/255406/31 "2004-07-18T21:15:00Z")
They’re not lining up in droves for the Groundskeeper or Treasurer jobs, either, so it can’t be that. [Previous page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/now-hiring-apply-within/255406.md?page=1)