Now I'm rich in Europe, too!

Miscellaneous and Personal Stuff I Must Share
1

I’ve now been notified that I’ve won 1-million euros in a European e-mail lottery. My previous get-rich opportunity didn’t pan out very well – Ronald in Sudan wanted to hook me up with $14 million that came into his hands because of civil unrest there, but he was queasy about selling a young street urchin into prostitution to raise the $10,000 needed to pay the recovery fees. I dunno, maybe the urchin market is glutted.

So now I’m told to write to Frank Beer in Rome to collect my European e-mail lottery winnings. Unfortunately, I am not able to do so, as I explained in a letter to Mr. Beer, and which I enclose below:

Dear Mr. Beer:

Thank you for the opportunity to win 1-million Euros in your lottery. I am, however, unable to take advantage of your largesse for two reasons.

First, no one in my town accepts euros as payment. When I asked Ed at the feed store if he’d accept euros, he became quite upset and told me he will accept only American dollars. The story is the same, unfortunately, all over town. Gant Pickins down at Pickens Grocery, Tom Hernandez over at the Ford garage (where I have my pickup worked on) and Mavis Hurdy at the Dew Dropp Inn up on the highway all said they wouldn’t know how much to charge me if all I had was euros. So that’s the first problem.

Secondly, I am afraid that coming into such a fortune will destroy my good American work ethic, make me lazy and want to take a month off every summer like those guys in France do every year. If I had all that money, I’d sell the farm and move to town and just lay around on my butt all day, and pretty soon I’d be fat and unhealthy and probably die at an early age.

So, if you don’t mind, I won’t be picking up my million euros. Please don’t take it personally, I’m sure they’re perfectly spendable in Europe, but since I don’t talk any of the languages over there, I see no reason to go there just to spend a million euros. You probably should just give it to some French guy – they don’t look like they do much anyway.

Thanks again,

Sun Razor
Sterling, Colorado, USA

2

I’m sure there’s something wrong with this statement, but I just can’t understand what it says. If only I could decipher this strange, archaic language. :wink:

3

See, this is exactly what I mean! You say “archaic,” when what you really mean is “bastardized mockery of the Queen’s English.” Like what they talk up there in Canadia.

4

Those Canuckistanis are always bastardizing our very own English language.

5

And the signs! I drove up there once and there was french on the signs.

6

Mon Dieu!

Donnez-moi votre l’argent!

(I’ll probably get beat up for my grammar on this!)

7

I receive about a dozen of these a week - they’re not as entertaining as the Nigerian scam guys, because you can’t really draw them into a lengthy dialogue - all I do now is to reply once to them saying “Wow! I can’t believe my luck, please tell me how to claim the cash” (ignoring the fact that they have already said how to claim in the initial email), then for those that respond to me, reiterating the request for personal details, etc, I reply with an email saying “Thanks ever so much. My personal and banking details are in the pdf document attached to this message”.

The PDF actually contains a close up full page photo of a naked, hairy, fat bloke’s arse.

8

What a strange place to keep your routing number :stuck_out_tongue:

9

If I could find a plausible way to get them to click a link, I’d like to try sending them off to one of those gag web pages where nothing much happens, until the speakers start shouting “I’M SURFING THE INTERNET FOR GAY PORN!”, along with appropriate pictures flashing on the screen.