# Nursery rhymes with a twist. **URL:** \ **Category:** Miscellaneous and Personal Stuff I Must Share\ **Created:** [March 7, 2019, 12:32am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/nursery-rhymes-with-a-twist/830663 "2019-03-07T00:32:09Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 13\ **Page:** 3
**Author:** ![Colibri](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/colibri/32/1841_2.png) [@Colibri](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Colibri)\ **Post date:** [March 8, 2019, 3:32pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/nursery-rhymes-with-a-twist/830663/41 "2019-03-08T15:32:20Z")
Roses are red Violets are blue Some poems rhyme And some don’t ---
**Author:** ![Sangahyando](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/f14d63/32.png) [@Sangahyando](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Sangahyando)\ **Post date:** [March 8, 2019, 3:46pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/nursery-rhymes-with-a-twist/830663/42 "2019-03-08T15:46:53Z")
Roses are reddish, Violets are blueish – If it weren’t for Christmas We’d all be Jewish. (Told to me long ago, by a dear [Catholic] work colleague. Theologically suspect; but, for me, irresistibly silly.) ---
**Author:** ![snowthx](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/snowthx/32/10660_2.png) [@snowthx](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/snowthx)\ **Post date:** [March 8, 2019, 4:47pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/nursery-rhymes-with-a-twist/830663/43 "2019-03-08T16:47:36Z")
> [@CookingWithGas](#): > > And that is the mildest Andrew Dice Clay rhyme I’ve ever heard. He made nursery-rhymes-with-a-vulgar-twist his trademark. > > Jack be nimble > Jack be quick > Jack jumped over the candlestick > Jack burned off his fuckin’ dick Little boy blew. [Hey! He needed the money.](https://mjboesen.incolor.com/Literature/Poetry_by_the_Dice_Man.HTML) ---
**Author:** ![Shoeless](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/shoeless/32/7099_2.png) [@Shoeless](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Shoeless)\ **Post date:** [March 8, 2019, 6:16pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/nursery-rhymes-with-a-twist/830663/44 "2019-03-08T18:16:06Z")
Pretty sure this one was in National Lampoon many years ago. _Under a spreading chestnut tree The village idiot sat. He rolled his eyes and flapped his lips And jerked off in his hat._ ETA: I guess that’s not actually a nursery rhyme, it’s a Longfellow poem. Oh well. ---
**Author:** ![Chefguy](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/chefguy/32/138_2.png) [@Chefguy](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Chefguy)\ **Post date:** [March 8, 2019, 6:33pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/nursery-rhymes-with-a-twist/830663/45 "2019-03-08T18:33:24Z")
> [@Shoeless](#): > > Pretty sure this one was in National Lampoon many years ago. > > _Under a spreading chestnut tree > The village idiot sat. > He rolled his eyes and flapped his lips > And jerked off in his hat._ > > ETA: I guess that’s not actually a nursery rhyme, it’s a Longfellow poem. Oh well. I heard it as a limerick: Under the spreading chestnut tree The village idiot sat Amusing himself By abusing himself And catching it in his hat. ---
**Author:** ![Hopeful\_Crow](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/h/da6949/32.png) [@Hopeful\_Crow](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Hopeful_Crow)\ **Post date:** [March 8, 2019, 7:00pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/nursery-rhymes-with-a-twist/830663/46 "2019-03-08T19:00:32Z")
This one is by Ogden Nash, I think. Or someone suitably Nashian. Mary had a little car, It was painted red. Everywhere that Mary went, The cops picked up the dead. > [@Peter\_Morris](#): > > Rose’s are red > Violet’s are blue > Mine are orange > What colour are yours? By D. Trump, I assume? ---
**Author:** ![Malleus\_Incus\_Stapes](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/malleus_incus_stapes/32/3293_2.png) [@Malleus\_Incus\_Stapes](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Malleus_Incus_Stapes)\ **Post date:** [March 8, 2019, 9:58pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/nursery-rhymes-with-a-twist/830663/47 "2019-03-08T21:58:28Z")
> [@Guinastasia](#): > > Jack and Jill went up the hill > To have a little fun > Stupid Jill forgot the pill > So now they have a son The version I heard at camp had two verses: \*Jack and Jill went up the hill to smoke some marijuana Jack got high, unzipped his fly, and said, “Jill, do you wanna?” Jill said yes, unzipped her dress, and then they had some fun but stupid Jill forgot her pill and now they have a son\* As a very sheltered teen, I was completely scandalized. (And yet, while I forget countless things of actual importance, I still remember that ditty to this day). ---
**Author:** ![Sangahyando](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/f14d63/32.png) [@Sangahyando](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Sangahyando)\ **Post date:** [March 9, 2019, 1:26pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/nursery-rhymes-with-a-twist/830663/48 "2019-03-09T13:26:18Z")
See-saw, Margery Daw, Johnny’s a slow little fucker: He can’t meet modern standards: screw “penny a day” – Let him starve unto death, the cocksucker. ---
**Author:** ![rowrrbazzle](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/rowrrbazzle/32/414_2.png) [@rowrrbazzle](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/rowrrbazzle)\ **Post date:** [March 14, 2019, 5:29am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/nursery-rhymes-with-a-twist/830663/49 "2019-03-14T05:29:58Z")
Mary had a little lamb, His fleece was black as soot, And into Mary’s bread and jam His sooty foot he put. ---
**Author:** ![Teuton](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/teuton/32/3864_2.png) [@Teuton](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Teuton)\ **Post date:** [March 14, 2019, 11:26am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/nursery-rhymes-with-a-twist/830663/50 "2019-03-14T11:26:52Z")
We were all over alternate Mary poems at school. Mary had a little lamb, She tied it to a pylon. A thousand volts went up its bum And turned its wool to nylon. ---
**Author:** ![Peter\_Morris](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/peter_morris/32/359_2.png) [@Peter\_Morris](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Peter_Morris)\ **Post date:** [March 14, 2019, 11:33am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/nursery-rhymes-with-a-twist/830663/51 "2019-03-14T11:33:37Z")
Mary had a little lamb It used to jump so high. It jumped into an abattoir And now it’s in a pie. ---
**Author:** ![Stana\_Claus](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/stana_claus/32/13874_2.png) [@Stana\_Claus](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Stana_Claus)\ **Post date:** [March 14, 2019, 1:38pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/nursery-rhymes-with-a-twist/830663/52 "2019-03-14T13:38:53Z")
Mary had a little sheep, and with the sheep she went to sleep. The sheep turned out to be a ram so Mary had a little lamb. Little Jack Horner sat in the corner eating his sister Mary. He stuck in his thumb and pulled out a plum and said “Hey, dig this crazy cherry!” ---
**Author:** ![Peter\_Morris](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/peter_morris/32/359_2.png) [@Peter\_Morris](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Peter_Morris)\ **Post date:** [March 24, 2019, 1:42am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/nursery-rhymes-with-a-twist/830663/53 "2019-03-24T01:42:56Z")
The boy stood on the burning deck His heart was all a-quiver He gave a cough, his leg fell off And floated down the river. The boy stood on the burning deck His pocket full of crackers A spark went down his trouser leg And blew away his knackers The boy stood on the burning deck His feet were full of blisters The flames came up and burned his socks And now he wears his sister’s The boy stood on the burning deck Whence all but he had fled. Twit. [Previous page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/nursery-rhymes-with-a-twist/830663.md?page=2)