# O My Errant Testacle, Where Art Thou? **URL:** \ **Category:** Miscellaneous and Personal Stuff I Must Share\ **Created:** [May 11, 2001, 2:40am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/o-my-errant-testacle-where-art-thou/65049 "2001-05-11T02:40:37Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 20\ **Page:** 1
**Author:** ![Sofa\_King](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/58956e/32.png) [@Sofa\_King](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Sofa_King)\ **Post date:** [May 11, 2001, 2:40am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/o-my-errant-testacle-where-art-thou/65049/1 "2001-05-11T02:40:37Z")
Some of you may recall an incident I had sometime last year involving my mysterious disappearing right testicle, which developed into a torsion. Well, I got the problem fixed (after fainting on the examniation table) and the world became a wonderful place again. Oh, yeah. I was really supposed to have that little problem looked into by a urologist, because once it happens, the blood vessels are stretched adn are more prone to having it happen again. If cirulation to a testicle has been completely cut of for more than six hours, you’ve got one diamond still in the bag, along with a Cubic Zirconium knockoff. Well, things came up that prevented me from having the problem looked at. Until today, that is. It started yesterday, withh just a little bit of pain and discomfort… By this morning, there were tears streiming from my eyes, and I couln’t sit down. An excruciating trip to the doctor led to partial relief, but he told me to go straight to the hospital to get a second opinion. So I take another long ride to the place, wander up to the desk, and give my name. “Oh my God, it’s mister King,” says one, and the next thing I know I’ve got four people taking info, paging a doctor and making phone calls all over the building. Two minutes later, one of the technicians says, “okay, Mr. King, Sue here is ready to take you to the OR.” OR… Hmmmm… OR… \*_OPERATING ROOM?!_ “Operating room?” I say. I’m going to have _surgery?_" “Well, put it this way. You’re going to get fixed.” Pause. “Oh my God. I’m sorry I said that.” Less than fifteen minutes later, I’m flat on my back wearing a goiwn, getting an IV stuck into my arm. The next thing I know I’m done, so zonked with Demerol that I need to be wheelchaired out to wating friend’s car… I am now the proud owner of a pair of “tacked ddown” testacles. I’lll be ready to test drive them in about two weeks. How’s that for ann interesting day? ---
**Author:** ![Mercutio](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/51bf81/32.png) [@Mercutio](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Mercutio)\ **Post date:** [May 11, 2001, 2:46am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/o-my-errant-testacle-where-art-thou/65049/2 "2001-05-11T02:46:20Z")
Ouch. You weren’t too clear. I am assuming that you still have two eggs in your basket. ---
**Author:** ![iampunha](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/i/74df32/32.png) [@iampunha](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/iampunha)\ **Post date:** [May 11, 2001, 2:52am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/o-my-errant-testacle-where-art-thou/65049/3 "2001-05-11T02:52:40Z")
Ow ow ow ow ow. Why didn’t you warn us, man? ::says a prayer for Sofa King’s right testicle:: Somehow I am able to type all this with both hands and not in the fetal position. ---
**Author:** ![trose](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/t/f9ae1b/32.png) [@trose](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/trose)\ **Post date:** [May 11, 2001, 3:18am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/o-my-errant-testacle-where-art-thou/65049/4 "2001-05-11T03:18:48Z")
> [@](#): > > _Originally posted by Sofa King_ > I am now the proud owner of a pair of “tacked down” testicles. Lemme guess. Crazy Glue? [sub]A thousand and one uses.[/sub] ---
**Author:** ![Eo\_Echo](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/e/ebca7d/32.png) [@Eo\_Echo](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Eo_Echo)\ **Post date:** [May 11, 2001, 3:22am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/o-my-errant-testacle-where-art-thou/65049/5 "2001-05-11T03:22:19Z")
[Bill Clinton voice]I feel your vein–I mean, your pain.[/Bill Clinton voice] ---
**Author:** ![Northern\_Piper](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/northern_piper/32/5304_2.png) [@Northern\_Piper](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Northern_Piper)\ **Post date:** [May 11, 2001, 4:09am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/o-my-errant-testacle-where-art-thou/65049/6 "2001-05-11T04:09:28Z")
so now that you’re “fixed,” do you get a discount on your driver’s licence, like my dog does on her dog licence? ---
**Author:** ![DRY](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/d/a87d85/32.png) [@DRY](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/DRY)\ **Post date:** [May 11, 2001, 4:11am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/o-my-errant-testacle-where-art-thou/65049/7 "2001-05-11T04:11:43Z")
“some I see That two-fold balls and treble scepters carry: Horrible sight!” –Macbeth, Act 4, Scene i Seriously, my sympathies. Get well soon! ---
**Author:** ![Northern\_Piper](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/northern_piper/32/5304_2.png) [@Northern\_Piper](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Northern_Piper)\ **Post date:** [May 11, 2001, 4:24am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/o-my-errant-testacle-where-art-thou/65049/8 "2001-05-11T04:24:32Z")
oooh, oooh, **Dry** quoted from the Scots play! run, run! before the curse hits him! ---
**Author:** ![DRY](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/d/a87d85/32.png) [@DRY](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/DRY)\ **Post date:** [May 11, 2001, 7:06am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/o-my-errant-testacle-where-art-thou/65049/9 "2001-05-11T07:06:17Z")
> [@](#): > > \*Originally posted by Northern Piper \* > \*\*oooh, oooh, **Dry** quoted from the Scots play! run, run! before the curse hits him! \*\* You are obviously unfamiliar with my “love life”. ---
**Author:** ![Sofa\_King](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/58956e/32.png) [@Sofa\_King](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Sofa_King)\ **Post date:** [May 11, 2001, 8:40am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/o-my-errant-testacle-where-art-thou/65049/10 "2001-05-11T08:40:42Z")
I was completely fragged on Demerol when I wrote that. I’ve still got 'em both, although I’m not sure if Mr. Right survived. He had about a half-twist for twenty-four hours–ounterclockwise–it’s counterclockwise about 95% of the time, according to that urologist. I suppose the doc wouldn’t have left it there had it been “dead.” Then again, I can’t tell for sure if it’s still there or not, although the nurse did say that I had both the left and the right one wired to the inner wall of my scrotum–“tacked.” It gets worse, too. I can’t shower for three days. I’m all bandaged up and have to wear the male equivalent of easy-entry panties, except my johnson is hanging out of 'em. Black blood is starting to ooze the length of my dick just under the skin. And I was so janked on the way home that when we couldn’t find a 24-hour pharmacy, I just said, “fuck it, I’ll just pick up that Perc-a-whatever tomorrow.” Guess why I’m posting at 4:30 am my time? The drugs done wore off, and I feel like Bruce Lee just gave me a kick in the crotch. I’ve got a bottle of aspirin, a case of beer, and a nug, but I’m afraid to turn to any of them for relief. What a nightmare. However, I do have one more item to add to my very short list of “Things I Wouldn’t Wish On My Worst Enemy.” ---
**Author:** ![Coldfire](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/c/a587f6/32.png) [@Coldfire](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Coldfire)\ **Post date:** [May 11, 2001, 9:11am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/o-my-errant-testacle-where-art-thou/65049/11 "2001-05-11T09:11:16Z")
I’m sitting here, pressing my legs together in sheer fucking terror. You have my sympathies man, you really do. Get well soon. ---
**Author:** ![Jonathan\_Chance](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/jonathan_chance/32/701_2.png) [@Jonathan\_Chance](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Jonathan_Chance)\ **Post date:** [May 11, 2001, 2:01pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/o-my-errant-testacle-where-art-thou/65049/12 "2001-05-11T14:01:07Z")
Good God-a-fucking-mighty. And here I opened this because I really dig the soundtrack to “O Brother, Where Art Thou?”. Urgh. ---
**Author:** ![Ethilrist](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/ethilrist/32/4604_2.png) [@Ethilrist](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Ethilrist)\ **Post date:** [May 11, 2001, 2:34pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/o-my-errant-testacle-where-art-thou/65049/13 "2001-05-11T14:34:26Z")
> [@](#): > > \*Originally posted by iampunha \* > **Ow ow ow ow ow. Why didn’t you warn us, man?** How could you not be warned by a thread title with the words “errant testacle [sic]” in it? Me, I thought this was going to be about that business where the testicles retreat up inside when things get fired up. ---
**Author:** ![BunnyGirl](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/b/22d042/32.png) [@BunnyGirl](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/BunnyGirl)\ **Post date:** [May 11, 2001, 6:52pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/o-my-errant-testacle-where-art-thou/65049/14 "2001-05-11T18:52:22Z")
**Men!** Take the meds they gave you, ya big lug! Follow all their pre-op conditions to the letter. No sense being macho, your package has been through enough already! Hope you heal quickly! I’m sure all the girls are anxiously awaiting your return to the sport. 😉 ---
**Author:** ![Mr.White](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/45deac/32.png) [@Mr.White](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Mr.White)\ **Post date:** [May 11, 2001, 7:28pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/o-my-errant-testacle-where-art-thou/65049/15 "2001-05-11T19:28:37Z")
Goodness. The OP made me shiver, sweat and cry. My Boys don’t get that much attention at my advanced age, but I am very **fond and protective** of them. Sofa, I hope by now you have the **painkiller** (and lots of it) in your body. Oww. **Don’t want** to imagine what it feels like. :eek: :eek: :eek: ---
**Author:** ![Bumbazine](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/bumbazine/32/362_2.png) [@Bumbazine](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Bumbazine)\ **Post date:** [May 11, 2001, 7:39pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/o-my-errant-testacle-where-art-thou/65049/16 "2001-05-11T19:39:47Z")
OY! The boys went into retreat just thinking about it. That’s something you can’t fix with duct tape. You have my sympathies, **Sofa.** ---
**Author:** ![Arnold\_Winkelried](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/a/3d9bf3/32.png) [@Arnold\_Winkelried](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Arnold_Winkelried)\ **Post date:** [May 11, 2001, 10:34pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/o-my-errant-testacle-where-art-thou/65049/17 "2001-05-11T22:34:33Z")
Back in my day, they used thumbtacks to keep them in place. Consider yourself lucky. But seriously, did you find the experience strangely pleasurable? Maybe a letter to Penthouse forum is in order. ---
**Author:** ![Gunslinger](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/g/4491bb/32.png) [@Gunslinger](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Gunslinger)\ **Post date:** [May 12, 2001, 2:11am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/o-my-errant-testacle-where-art-thou/65049/18 "2001-05-12T02:11:35Z")
> [@](#): > > \*Originally posted by Jonathan Chance \* > \*\*And here I opened this because I really dig the soundtrack to “O Brother, Where Art Thou?”. > \*\* “Man of Constant Sorrow” _does_ seem appropriate for this…🙂 ---
**Author:** ![Scylla](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/a5b964/32.png) [@Scylla](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Scylla)\ **Post date:** [May 12, 2001, 2:33am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/o-my-errant-testacle-where-art-thou/65049/19 "2001-05-12T02:33:21Z")
That’s the problem with testicles. They act like they’re your friends, and then they pull this kind of shit. Sofa King: All my sympathies man. ---
**Author:** ![Scylla](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/a5b964/32.png) [@Scylla](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Scylla)\ **Post date:** [May 12, 2001, 2:34am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/o-my-errant-testacle-where-art-thou/65049/20 "2001-05-12T02:34:38Z")
I’m just glad you’re not Sofa Queen, now. [Next page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/o-my-errant-testacle-where-art-thou/65049.md?page=2)