# Objective proof that my wife yells? **URL:** \ **Category:** In My Humble Opinion\ **Created:** [October 4, 2019, 4:01pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/objective-proof-that-my-wife-yells/841265 "2019-10-04T16:01:47Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 20\ **Page:** 1
**Author:** ![The\_Sheikh](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/t/c67d28/32.png) [@The\_Sheikh](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/The_Sheikh)\ **Post date:** [October 4, 2019, 4:01pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/objective-proof-that-my-wife-yells/841265/1 "2019-10-04T16:01:47Z")
My wife yells all the time; at the kids, at me, and at house objects. Whenever I complain, she denies my claims and I have to go through a worse experience: fact-free argument. I need a device with an alarm that would go off when ever the voice goes over a certain level. ---
**Author:** ![Kobal2](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/kobal2/32/20_2.png) [@Kobal2](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Kobal2)\ **Post date:** [October 4, 2019, 4:06pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/objective-proof-that-my-wife-yells/841265/2 "2019-10-04T16:06:24Z")
It’s not worth it. Either live with it, or seek a divorce. People don’t change. ---
**Author:** ![campp](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/c/c5a1d2/32.png) [@campp](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/campp)\ **Post date:** [October 4, 2019, 4:06pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/objective-proof-that-my-wife-yells/841265/3 "2019-10-04T16:06:48Z")
A hand-held dB meter? ---
**Author:** ![Beckdawrek](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/beckdawrek/32/3647_2.png) [@Beckdawrek](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Beckdawrek)\ **Post date:** [October 4, 2019, 4:10pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/objective-proof-that-my-wife-yells/841265/4 "2019-10-04T16:10:10Z")
Record her. ---
**Author:** ![kayaker](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/kayaker/32/441_2.png) [@kayaker](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/kayaker)\ **Post date:** [October 4, 2019, 4:13pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/objective-proof-that-my-wife-yells/841265/5 "2019-10-04T16:13:29Z")
> [@Beckdawrek](#): > > Record her. _But_ be prepared for the wrath of wife. “YOU’RE RECORDING ME TO PROVE I YELL??? I DON’T YELLLLLLLLLL!!” ---
**Author:** ![Bear\_Nenno](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/bear_nenno/32/3358_2.png) [@Bear\_Nenno](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Bear_Nenno)\ **Post date:** [October 4, 2019, 4:15pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/objective-proof-that-my-wife-yells/841265/6 "2019-10-04T16:15:16Z")
Get something like this: > **[Amazon.com: Extech SL130G Sound Level Alert With Alarm (Discontinued by...](https://www.amazon.com/Extech-SL130G-Sound-Discontinued-Manufacturer/dp/B000L9PG4U)** > > Buy Extech SL130G Sound Level Alert With Alarm (Discontinued by Manufacturer): Sound & Noise Meters - Amazon.com ✓ FREE DELIVERY possible on eligible purchases ---
**Author:** ![kenobi\_65](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/kenobi_65/32/13178_2.png) [@kenobi\_65](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/kenobi_65)\ **Post date:** [October 4, 2019, 4:16pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/objective-proof-that-my-wife-yells/841265/7 "2019-10-04T16:16:01Z")
> [@kayaker](#): > > _But_ be prepared for the wrath of wife. “YOU’RE RECORDING ME TO PROVE I YELL??? I DON’T YELLLLLLLLLL!!” Yeah, I do not see this ending well. You might prove that you’re correct, but I don’t foresee it being a reasonable conversation. ---
**Author:** ![TriPolar](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/tripolar/32/3008_2.png) [@TriPolar](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/TriPolar)\ **Post date:** [October 4, 2019, 4:20pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/objective-proof-that-my-wife-yells/841265/8 "2019-10-04T16:20:08Z")
Every married man believes you. Any further proof will not serve you well. ---
**Author:** ![bobot](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/bobot/32/21622_2.png) [@bobot](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/bobot)\ **Post date:** [October 4, 2019, 4:26pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/objective-proof-that-my-wife-yells/841265/9 "2019-10-04T16:26:52Z")
On a factual basis, if you’re looking for objective proof, you’re gonna have to measure the decibels, or possibly even just the volume. But just the volume loses any real objectivity. Whether this is a good idea, I’ll let you be the judge of that. Report back, eh? ---
**Author:** ![Dewey\_Finn](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/dewey_finn/32/4222_2.png) [@Dewey\_Finn](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Dewey_Finn)\ **Post date:** [October 4, 2019, 4:30pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/objective-proof-that-my-wife-yells/841265/10 "2019-10-04T16:30:40Z")
> [@Kobal2](#): > > It’s not worth it. Either live with it, or seek a divorce. People don’t change. Well, a third option is counseling. ---
**Author:** ![Velocity](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/velocity/32/18006_2.png) [@Velocity](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Velocity)\ **Post date:** [October 4, 2019, 4:31pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/objective-proof-that-my-wife-yells/841265/11 "2019-10-04T16:31:09Z")
I’m guessing that your wife is the kind of person whom, if she yells at X number of decibels, claims that she isn’t “yelling,” but when you yell at the same X decibels, it is indeed yelling in her view. So buy some device that measures decibels (I don’t know where to buy it any more than you.) And then when she yells, record it as X decibels. And show it to her. And then you do a similar yell back at X decibels, and show her “see how it is the same number of decibels? I was no louder than you.” Truth be told, though, you actually don’t even need to measure decibels. Just record her voice and play it back. Most people hate the sound of their own voice like that. ---
**Author:** ![Beckdawrek](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/beckdawrek/32/3647_2.png) [@Beckdawrek](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Beckdawrek)\ **Post date:** [October 4, 2019, 4:35pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/objective-proof-that-my-wife-yells/841265/12 "2019-10-04T16:35:24Z")
Cat anecdote: I recorded my Siamese cats to show the vet how loud they are. Because, of course, the only thing they do at the Vet office is hiss and spit. (They hate us there, but, I digress) I played it back for him. He stated that didn’t sound too bad. I just stared at him, mouth agape! He turned around to tell me something and asked me to turn the volume down. I had to laugh at that. Now they hate us AND think I’m crazy. Win-win! ---
**Author:** ![Ulfreida](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/ulfreida/32/8014_2.png) [@Ulfreida](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Ulfreida)\ **Post date:** [October 4, 2019, 4:43pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/objective-proof-that-my-wife-yells/841265/13 "2019-10-04T16:43:33Z")
If you did that to me I would start throwing things at you. Sharp things. In my experience, the reason people usually yell is because they do not believe they are being heard. That is to say, understood, recognized, respected, empathized with. Before you do something as counterproductive as you suggest, instead try repeating back your understanding of what she said, in a calm, respectful, voice. In Non-Violent Communication ™ this is called, “caring enough to guess”. If she says, NO, WHAT I SAID WAS, say, “okay, I’m trying again.” And try again until she says, yes that is it exactly. Notice you do not have to agree with her, or to solve the problem (men generally prefer to solve the immediate problem rather than acknowledge the emotion). All you have to do is listen carefully and try to paraphrase your understanding of what she is trying to get across. You can achieve miracles with this one tool. ---
**Author:** ![jackdavinci](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/jackdavinci/32/3259_2.png) [@jackdavinci](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/jackdavinci)\ **Post date:** [October 4, 2019, 4:46pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/objective-proof-that-my-wife-yells/841265/14 "2019-10-04T16:46:30Z")
Probably just the act of recording her, with your phone camera, without any commentary, will make her more self conscious. It will probably also piss her off, but there’s no way around that. Just for your own edification, it might be interesting to explore what’s really bugging you. Maybe “yelling” as a label doesn’t get to the heart of what’s triggering you. Is it the volume level? The content/criticism? The attitude? The power struggle? ---
**Author:** ![Beckdawrek](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/beckdawrek/32/3647_2.png) [@Beckdawrek](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Beckdawrek)\ **Post date:** [October 4, 2019, 4:52pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/objective-proof-that-my-wife-yells/841265/15 "2019-10-04T16:52:13Z")
> [@Ulfreida](#): > > If you did that to me I would start throwing things at you. Sharp things. > > In my experience, the reason people usually yell is because they do not believe they are being heard. That is to say, understood, recognized, respected, empathized with. Before you do something as counterproductive as you suggest, instead try repeating back your understanding of what she said, in a calm, respectful, voice. In Non-Violent Communication ™ this is called, “caring enough to guess”. If she says, NO, WHAT I SAID WAS, say, “okay, I’m trying again.” And try again until she says, yes that is it exactly. > > Notice you do not have to agree with her, or to solve the problem (men generally prefer to solve the immediate problem rather than acknowledge the emotion). All you have to do is listen carefully and try to paraphrase your understanding of what she is trying to get across. > > You can achieve miracles with this one tool. I used to do that to my teens when they were having hissy fits about something. I’d calmly repeat what I determined the problem was. I was generally close to the mark. It diffused the situation, almost instantly. Now they laugh about how I did that. ---
**Author:** ![Kobal2](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/kobal2/32/20_2.png) [@Kobal2](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Kobal2)\ **Post date:** [October 4, 2019, 4:52pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/objective-proof-that-my-wife-yells/841265/16 "2019-10-04T16:52:52Z")
> [@Dewey\_Finn](#): > > Well, a third option is counseling. True. You \*could \*sink a lot of time and money into a process that’ll determine that people don’t change and you guys just won’t work 😉 ---
**Author:** ![Qadgop\_the\_Mercotan](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/qadgop_the_mercotan/32/83_2.png) [@Qadgop\_the\_Mercotan](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Qadgop_the_Mercotan)\ **Post date:** [October 4, 2019, 4:56pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/objective-proof-that-my-wife-yells/841265/17 "2019-10-04T16:56:17Z")
> [@Dewey\_Finn](#): > > Well, a third option is counseling. Said counselor generally counsels: “live with it or leave”. ---
**Author:** ![Andy\_L](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/a/c67d28/32.png) [@Andy\_L](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Andy_L)\ **Post date:** [October 4, 2019, 4:57pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/objective-proof-that-my-wife-yells/841265/18 "2019-10-04T16:57:08Z")
> **["The Defenestration of Ermintrude Inch" (short story): Don't fear the...](http://arthur-clarke-fansite.blogspot.com/2007/04/defenestration-of-ermintrude-inch-wife.html)** > > It was the tongue-twister title of this story that I first found attractive - in a perverse sort of way. After dusting my 20 year old nearly... "A man - a sound engineer - feels harassed by his wife, because she speaks too much! After one of their numerous quarrels (wife thinks she hardly speaks, ever!), he decides to do something about it. Result is what Clarke calls Word Counter (I think), but a more appropriate name would be “Wife Silencer”. Or may be “Spouse Silencer”, to be politically correct. This is an ingenious piece of electronics that can isolate words in spoken language, & can associate each word with a speaker. When switched on, every word the wife utters in the living room will increment a very visible counter called Hers; & man’s word will increment the counter named His." ---
**Author:** ![kayaker](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/kayaker/32/441_2.png) [@kayaker](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/kayaker)\ **Post date:** [October 4, 2019, 5:00pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/objective-proof-that-my-wife-yells/841265/19 "2019-10-04T17:00:30Z")
> [@Dewey\_Finn](#): > > Well, a third option is counseling. Counseling for what? She doesn’t yell. ---
**Author:** ![simster](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/simster/32/1047_2.png) [@simster](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/simster)\ **Post date:** [October 4, 2019, 5:25pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/objective-proof-that-my-wife-yells/841265/20 "2019-10-04T17:25:42Z")
is it yelling or is it raised voice? perhaps she needs her hearing checked? yelling == “what the hell are you doing now, I told you once,…”, where raised voice is 'normal conversation" only louder. My brother in law was always “yelling”, then he got a new hearing aid. [Next page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/objective-proof-that-my-wife-yells/841265.md?page=2)