# Objective proof that my wife yells? **URL:** \ **Category:** In My Humble Opinion\ **Created:** [October 4, 2019, 4:01pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/objective-proof-that-my-wife-yells/841265 "2019-10-04T16:01:47Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 20\ **Page:** 2
**Author:** ![Ulfreida](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/ulfreida/32/8014_2.png) [@Ulfreida](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Ulfreida)\ **Post date:** [October 4, 2019, 5:34pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/objective-proof-that-my-wife-yells/841265/21 "2019-10-04T17:34:38Z")
I think the idea of “objective proof” indicates a profound and I mean profound misunderstanding on your part of what relationships consist of. You might go to counseling by yourself first. But do not be surprised if the news is that both of you will have to change if you want to stay together. You sound perfectly infuriating, to be honest. ---
**Author:** ![nelliebly](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/nelliebly/32/5422_2.png) [@nelliebly](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/nelliebly)\ **Post date:** [October 4, 2019, 5:58pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/objective-proof-that-my-wife-yells/841265/22 "2019-10-04T17:58:01Z")
Some people raise their voices to blow off steam or merely because they’re passionate about something… It’s not verbal aggression, though some people take any raised voices that way. I think some of it depends on how we’re raised. If you were raised to see raising your voice as cathartic, but your spouse was raised to consider it an act of aggression, you’re going to have to come to an understanding. I suspect since the OP’s wife does this with inanimate objects as well as him and the kids, she’s blowing off steam. She may not consider it “yelling” or even be aware she’s doing it. ---
**Author:** ![mjmlabs](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/mjmlabs/32/69_2.png) [@mjmlabs](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/mjmlabs)\ **Post date:** [October 4, 2019, 6:05pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/objective-proof-that-my-wife-yells/841265/23 "2019-10-04T18:05:31Z")
Unless this behavior was present long ago, I’mma go with **simster** on this one: her hearing’s going and she has no idea how loud she really is. Q: Along with the yelling, does she also turn the TV up too much and complain that everybody mumbles? Just guessing, here. ---
**Author:** ![Jasmine](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/jasmine/32/2964_2.png) [@Jasmine](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Jasmine)\ **Post date:** [October 4, 2019, 6:25pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/objective-proof-that-my-wife-yells/841265/24 "2019-10-04T18:25:17Z")
We don’t “yell”. You are simply suffering from Hyperacusis. :dubious: ---
**Author:** ![RickJay](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/r/bb73d2/32.png) [@RickJay](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/RickJay)\ **Post date:** [October 4, 2019, 6:55pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/objective-proof-that-my-wife-yells/841265/25 "2019-10-04T18:55:47Z")
> [@The\_Sheikh](#): > > My wife yells all the time; at the kids, at me, and at house objects. Whenever I complain, she denies my claims and I have to go through a worse experience: fact-free argument. I need a device with an alarm that would go off when ever the voice goes over a certain level. You need a marriage counselor. Seriously. ---
**Author:** ![kayaker](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/kayaker/32/441_2.png) [@kayaker](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/kayaker)\ **Post date:** [October 4, 2019, 8:30pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/objective-proof-that-my-wife-yells/841265/26 "2019-10-04T20:30:29Z")
> [@RickJay](#): > > You need a marriage counselor. Seriously. So that the counselor can hear her yell? Sounds more expensive than a recording device. ---
**Author:** ![Beckdawrek](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/beckdawrek/32/3647_2.png) [@Beckdawrek](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Beckdawrek)\ **Post date:** [October 4, 2019, 8:39pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/objective-proof-that-my-wife-yells/841265/27 "2019-10-04T20:39:29Z")
Mr.Wrekker does a funny thing if he knows I’m perturbed. He leaves the house. It’s hard to yell at someome who’s not there. I’m generally not a noise maker when I’m peeved, but he can read my face pretty good. After being out of site for a while he’ll text me and ask can he come home. ---
**Author:** ![Crafter\_Man](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/crafter_man/32/458_2.png) [@Crafter\_Man](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Crafter_Man)\ **Post date:** [October 4, 2019, 8:44pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/objective-proof-that-my-wife-yells/841265/28 "2019-10-04T20:44:18Z")
Insert earplugs into your ears every time she yells. ---
**Author:** ![glee](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/g/b5a626/32.png) [@glee](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/glee)\ **Post date:** [October 4, 2019, 8:49pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/objective-proof-that-my-wife-yells/841265/29 "2019-10-04T20:49:55Z")
> [@kenobi\_65](#): > > Yeah, I do not see this ending well. You might prove that you’re correct, but I don’t foresee it being a reasonable conversation. Quite so. It’s one thing to measure noise as a scientific experiment or to establish a basis for a noise pollution complaint. But in a marriage, all it generally does is start a furious argument. Successful marriage is about communication, not proving your partner is wrong. ---
**Author:** ![don\_t\_ask](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/d/e68b1a/32.png) [@don\_t\_ask](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/don_t_ask)\ **Post date:** [October 4, 2019, 8:56pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/objective-proof-that-my-wife-yells/841265/30 "2019-10-04T20:56:11Z")
There are plenty of android apps that are sufficiently good sound meters for your you-will-regret-it purpose. ---
**Author:** ![Beckdawrek](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/beckdawrek/32/3647_2.png) [@Beckdawrek](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Beckdawrek)\ **Post date:** [October 4, 2019, 9:30pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/objective-proof-that-my-wife-yells/841265/31 "2019-10-04T21:30:20Z")
OP, I’ve been pondering this problem today. I’m agreed you will regret proving to her she’s yelling, ever how you plan to do it. Can you not sit down with her and in a non-confrontational way and gently talk about it? You can’t say “You yell too much”, start with “I know you get upset when things aren’t right” and ask her how you can help her not be so upset all the time. Good luck. ---
**Author:** ![Zyada](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/zyada/32/3028_2.png) [@Zyada](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Zyada)\ **Post date:** [October 4, 2019, 10:23pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/objective-proof-that-my-wife-yells/841265/32 "2019-10-04T22:23:52Z")
I have ADHD, and one of the facets of that is volume control. I’m better now, because I learned how to tell from _feel_ that my speaking voice was loud. But when this happens, often I don’t _hear_ myself speaking loudly. > [@Ulfreida](#): > > …try repeating back your understanding of what she said, in a calm, respectful, voice. In Non-Violent Communication ™ this is called, “caring enough to guess”. If she says, NO, WHAT I SAID WAS, say, “okay, I’m trying again.” And try again until she says, yes that is it exactly. > > Notice you do not have to agree with her, or to solve the problem (men generally prefer to solve the immediate problem rather than acknowledge the emotion). All you have to do is listen carefully and try to paraphrase your understanding of what she is trying to get across. > > You can achieve miracles with this one tool. This, repeated, so very much this. I learned this as a technique called active listening, and it works wonders. A good counselor would train you in this. Or tell you if it’s hopeless. Ask yourself this - **why** is it so important to you to prove to her that she’s yelling? A person can tell you basic facts - “the sky is blue, dinner is ready” - at top volume… and they can abuse you - “you’re a waste of space” in low volumes. So, if it’s the message that is actually the problem, address the message, not the volume. If it’s the volume, frame it in terms of yourself, not her - “You sound awfully loud to me”. Going back to what I said at the first - even if you are objectively right, her perception of what is going on is different. Framing it in terms of your perception, rather than trying to force her to admit to a reality that she is not experiencing, and you will find that she doesn’t argue with you, and you might get to the point where you can give her the feedback that you want to give her and get the result you want. And, if it’s just that you have to prove that you’re right? Then you yourself have a problem, because a) you simply can’t be right all the time, and b) you need to recognize when “being right” is simply not important. And if you are ok with what she is saying, and her volume isn’t causing you distress, then that she is shouting should be immaterial to you. TL; DR - figure out first what you want and work toward that. And if what you want is for her to admit you’re right… you’re already wrong. ---
**Author:** ![Saintly\_Loser](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/saintly_loser/32/4045_2.png) [@Saintly\_Loser](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Saintly_Loser)\ **Post date:** [October 4, 2019, 10:52pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/objective-proof-that-my-wife-yells/841265/33 "2019-10-04T22:52:39Z")
> [@Ulfreida](#): > > If you did that to me I would start throwing things at you. Sharp things. > > In my experience, the reason people usually yell is because they do not believe they are being heard. That is to say, understood, recognized, respected, empathized with. Before you do something as counterproductive as you suggest, instead try repeating back your understanding of what she said, in a calm, respectful, voice. In Non-Violent Communication ™ this is called, “caring enough to guess”. If she says, NO, WHAT I SAID WAS, say, “okay, I’m trying again.” And try again until she says, yes that is it exactly. That sounds like if she’s yelling, it must be his fault. He just needs to be more calm and respectul. I bet she’d agree 100%. 😃 ---
**Author:** ![Ulfreida](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/ulfreida/32/8014_2.png) [@Ulfreida](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Ulfreida)\ **Post date:** [October 4, 2019, 11:44pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/objective-proof-that-my-wife-yells/841265/34 "2019-10-04T23:44:00Z")
> [@Saintly\_Loser](#): > > That sounds like if she’s yelling, it must be his fault. He just needs to be more calm and respectul. > > I bet she’d agree 100%. 😃 There are some marital problems that are entirely one person’s fault (like violence, gaslighting, or actual sociopathy). But mostly it takes two to tango. ---
**Author:** ![Beckdawrek](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/beckdawrek/32/3647_2.png) [@Beckdawrek](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Beckdawrek)\ **Post date:** [October 5, 2019, 12:04am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/objective-proof-that-my-wife-yells/841265/35 "2019-10-05T00:04:45Z")
I had an Aunt who screamed and yelled at my uncle and their kids, the dogs, anyone, really. She was told about it all the time. She finally shut up after a particularly vicious intervention. She started throwing things after that. The whole thing kinda blew up in their faces. ---
**Author:** ![Thudlow\_Boink](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/thudlow_boink/32/320_2.png) [@Thudlow\_Boink](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Thudlow_Boink)\ **Post date:** [October 5, 2019, 12:17am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/objective-proof-that-my-wife-yells/841265/36 "2019-10-05T00:17:27Z")
> [@nelliebly](#): > > Some people raise their voices to blow off steam or merely because they’re passionate about something… It’s not verbal aggression, though some people take any raised voices that way. I think some of it depends on how we’re raised. If you were raised to see raising your voice as cathartic, but your spouse was raised to consider it an act of aggression, you’re going to have to come to an understanding. > > I suspect since the OP’s wife does this with inanimate objects as well as him and the kids, she’s blowing off steam. She may not consider it “yelling” or even be aware she’s doing it. Yes, I was going to suggest that one possible explanation is that the OP and his wife were raised in different environments with different attitudes toward raising one’s voice. In wife’s family of origin, raising one’s voice might have been common whenever the speaker was feeling excited or upset or frustrated or emotional (in a positive or negative way). In the OP’s family of origin, maybe everyone pretty much always spoke softly—or maybe, when they did yell, it always meant serious anger or abuse. Or, maybe the OP’s wife is gaslighting him. ---
**Author:** ![pool](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/pool/32/4152_2.png) [@pool](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/pool)\ **Post date:** [October 5, 2019, 2:37am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/objective-proof-that-my-wife-yells/841265/37 "2019-10-05T02:37:11Z")
My ex was a screamer, when someone will lie right to your face or deny reality, you’ve already lost the game if you are trying to prove to her that she yells, she doesn’t respect you enough to have an honest discussion about it, people who can’t talk frankly, and honestly about relationship issues are childish and passive aggressive so like everyone said, learn to live with it, or leave. ---
**Author:** ![Ambivalid](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/a/a5b964/32.png) [@Ambivalid](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Ambivalid)\ **Post date:** [October 5, 2019, 2:50am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/objective-proof-that-my-wife-yells/841265/38 "2019-10-05T02:50:37Z")
**JohnClay**! You bastard! Welcome back! 🙂 ---
**Author:** ![Pantastic](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/p/3bc359/32.png) [@Pantastic](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Pantastic)\ **Post date:** [October 5, 2019, 3:06am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/objective-proof-that-my-wife-yells/841265/39 "2019-10-05T03:06:05Z")
If she is actually yelling at you and denying it, using a device is likely to make the situation worse. People engaging in abusive behavior and denying it are generally not going to respond with ‘oh, your phone app reads a 7, I was mistaken and you were correct, I will stop yelling at you now’. If talking to her about the behavior doesn’t work, your options are pretty much ‘get to a therapist’ (which, if she denies yelling, is kind of unlikely), ‘live with it’, or ‘leave’. I used to have a partner who would yell at me for hours and do a mix of denying it or claiming we were just yelling at each other if I eventually raised my voice in response. There wasn’t any good solution, and if I encountered the situation again I’d simply exit as expediously as possible. > [@Ulfreida](#): > > If you did that to me I would start throwing things at you. Sharp things. I agree, I would also not be surprised if someone who yells at you but denies it would escalate to domestic violence at some point if you don’t simply accept their abuse. ---
**Author:** ![nightshadea](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/n/7ba0ec/32.png) [@nightshadea](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/nightshadea)\ **Post date:** [October 5, 2019, 3:23am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/objective-proof-that-my-wife-yells/841265/40 "2019-10-05T03:23:32Z")
well some people cant really tell the volume of their own voice …people say im either yelling or mumbling all the time when they both sound the same to me … However this idea seems ot be a dumpster fire … [Previous page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/objective-proof-that-my-wife-yells/841265.md?page=1) [Next page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/objective-proof-that-my-wife-yells/841265.md?page=3)