# Obnoxious things to teach a 3 year old \[NEED ANSWER FAST\] **URL:** \ **Category:** Miscellaneous and Personal Stuff I Must Share\ **Created:** [June 11, 2012, 9:06pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/obnoxious-things-to-teach-a-3-year-old-need-answer-fast/624855 "2012-06-11T21:06:45Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 20\ **Page:** 3
**Author:** ![MissTake](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/misstake/32/3189_2.png) [@MissTake](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/MissTake)\ **Post date:** [June 12, 2012, 4:00am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/obnoxious-things-to-teach-a-3-year-old-need-answer-fast/624855/41 "2012-06-12T04:00:13Z")
> [@Chef\_Troy](#): > > Is that supposed to read “the old **crow** ”? Because I’m having a mental image of a flying bovine dropping cowpatty after cowpatty with a juicy splat all over the place. _snerk_ Erm, yes, c **r** ow. :smack: ---
**Author:** ![Quint](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/q/76d3ee/32.png) [@Quint](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Quint)\ **Post date:** [June 12, 2012, 5:10am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/obnoxious-things-to-teach-a-3-year-old-need-answer-fast/624855/42 "2012-06-12T05:10:43Z")
Tea h her the French word for seal: phoque. ---
**Author:** ![rowrrbazzle](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/rowrrbazzle/32/414_2.png) [@rowrrbazzle](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/rowrrbazzle)\ **Post date:** [June 12, 2012, 5:24am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/obnoxious-things-to-teach-a-3-year-old-need-answer-fast/624855/43 "2012-06-12T05:24:25Z")
“Caedite eos omnes. Novit enim Dominus qui sunt eius.” Latin for “Kill them all. The Lord will know His own.” Or loosely translated: “Kill them all. Let God sort them out.” ---
**Author:** ![Zebra](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/z/c0e974/32.png) [@Zebra](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Zebra)\ **Post date:** [June 12, 2012, 5:30am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/obnoxious-things-to-teach-a-3-year-old-need-answer-fast/624855/44 "2012-06-12T05:30:24Z")
Teach her to sing “never gonna give you up” so she’ll be a walking talking RickRoll. ---
**Author:** ![The\_Second\_Stone](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/t/bbe5ce/32.png) [@The\_Second\_Stone](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/The_Second_Stone)\ **Post date:** [June 12, 2012, 5:50am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/obnoxious-things-to-teach-a-3-year-old-need-answer-fast/624855/45 "2012-06-12T05:50:49Z")
English! Do you speak it motherfucker! ---
**Author:** ![Farmer\_Jane](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/f/bbe5ce/32.png) [@Farmer\_Jane](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Farmer_Jane)\ **Post date:** [June 12, 2012, 6:04am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/obnoxious-things-to-teach-a-3-year-old-need-answer-fast/624855/46 "2012-06-12T06:04:41Z")
You could always teach her about the birds and the bees. 😃 Ah, I remember when my son started to really think about his penis. “Did you know that girls DON’T grow penises when they get older?” and etc. ---
**Author:** ![gunnergoz](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/g/e95f7d/32.png) [@gunnergoz](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/gunnergoz)\ **Post date:** [June 12, 2012, 6:29am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/obnoxious-things-to-teach-a-3-year-old-need-answer-fast/624855/47 "2012-06-12T06:29:00Z")
There are some really sadistic f\_\_kers here. 😃 Years ago in the service we all had a senior officer in my navy squadron that we all loved to hate. When we were deployed to the Philippines, we were allowed to have our spouse visit for a week’s vacation in the middle of the six month tour. When this officer’s wife arrived and they went out on the town on her first night there, he and she were confronted by a bunch of small local children wearing T-shirts with this officer’s photo on them, all bearing signs that said “Have you seen my Daddy?” That was fun! ---
**Author:** ![Antigen](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/a/848f3c/32.png) [@Antigen](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Antigen)\ **Post date:** [June 12, 2012, 10:25am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/obnoxious-things-to-teach-a-3-year-old-need-answer-fast/624855/48 "2012-06-12T10:25:30Z")
> [@Zebra](#): > > Teach her to sing “never gonna give you up” so she’ll be a walking talking RickRoll. Love this. I can’t _wait_ till my nephew starts talking! ---
**Author:** ![Jragon](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/j/e19b73/32.png) [@Jragon](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Jragon)\ **Post date:** [June 12, 2012, 11:03am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/obnoxious-things-to-teach-a-3-year-old-need-answer-fast/624855/49 "2012-06-12T11:03:04Z")
I know it’s too late now, probably, but I would opt for this: > [@Creepypasta](#): > > “Daddy, I had a bad dream.” You blink your eyes and pull up on your elbows. Your clock glows red in the darkness—it’s 3:23. > > “Do you want to climb into bed and tell me about it?” > > “No, Daddy.” > > The oddness of the situation wakes you up more fully. You can barely make out your daughter’s pale form in the darkness of your room. > > “Why not sweetie?” > > “Because in my dream, when I told you about the dream, the thing wearing Mommy’s skin sat up.” For a moment, you feel paralyzed; you can’t take your eyes off of your daughter. The covers behind you begin to shift. Though you’d need to enlist one parent as an accomplice… ---
**Author:** ![Hampshire](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/hampshire/32/4887_2.png) [@Hampshire](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Hampshire)\ **Post date:** [June 12, 2012, 12:04pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/obnoxious-things-to-teach-a-3-year-old-need-answer-fast/624855/50 "2012-06-12T12:04:06Z")
I taught my 4 year-old niece when she burped to cross her eyes and do it out of the corner of her mouth. My sister HATED me for that one. My niece will still do it like this for my benefit when I see her and she’s 23 now. ---
**Author:** ![kayaker](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/kayaker/32/441_2.png) [@kayaker](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/kayaker)\ **Post date:** [June 12, 2012, 12:16pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/obnoxious-things-to-teach-a-3-year-old-need-answer-fast/624855/51 "2012-06-12T12:16:53Z")
I recently taught a friend’s child to make PBJ crackers. I told her we were cooking. And I called the cracker sandwiches “meth”. She went home and went on and on about how much she enjoyed her visit, the nice dogs, and cooking meth. ---
**Author:** ![Zsofia](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/z/7bcc69/32.png) [@Zsofia](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Zsofia)\ **Post date:** [June 12, 2012, 1:54pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/obnoxious-things-to-teach-a-3-year-old-need-answer-fast/624855/52 "2012-06-12T13:54:56Z")
If you’ll be out at a restaurant, teach her that the salt and pepper shakers unscrew! ---
**Author:** ![postcards](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/p/8e8cbc/32.png) [@postcards](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/postcards)\ **Post date:** [June 12, 2012, 2:58pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/obnoxious-things-to-teach-a-3-year-old-need-answer-fast/624855/53 "2012-06-12T14:58:42Z")
Teach her to read. Use a copy of [this book](http://curiouspages.blogspot.com/2010/02/uncle-shelbys-abz-book.html)as her primer. ---
**Author:** ![Alpha\_Twit](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/alpha_twit/32/265_2.png) [@Alpha\_Twit](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Alpha_Twit)\ **Post date:** [June 12, 2012, 5:43pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/obnoxious-things-to-teach-a-3-year-old-need-answer-fast/624855/54 "2012-06-12T17:43:12Z")
I’m surprised no one has mentioned [mumblety-peg](http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Mumblety-peg) yet. You could prop her up in a chair with a copy of “Atlas Shrugged”. Show her nature videos of poo-flinging monkeys and talk about how funny it is. Teach her to say “I heard my mommy say she just got her period. What is it and can I have one?” ---
**Author:** ![Mama\_Zappa](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/71e660/32.png) [@Mama\_Zappa](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Mama_Zappa)\ **Post date:** [June 13, 2012, 2:56pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/obnoxious-things-to-teach-a-3-year-old-need-answer-fast/624855/55 "2012-06-13T14:56:45Z")
> [@Rhythmdvl](#): > > Teach him that if he wants something, the best way to get it is to scream “stop hitting me!” as loudly as possible. Or “STOP - THIS MAN IS NOT MY FATHER!!”. Worst thing we ever did to Dweezil - and it wasn’t entirely intentional - was that the name for certain lump-shaped finger foods from a chain of Scottish restaurants was “buzzard bites”. So, age 6, he’s at a friend’s birthday party, mom brings out a tray of food, and I hear “Look, Mommy, they have BUZZARD BITES!!!”. :o :p. ---
**Author:** ![purplehorseshoe](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/purplehorseshoe/32/2996_2.png) [@purplehorseshoe](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/purplehorseshoe)\ **Post date:** [June 13, 2012, 10:29pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/obnoxious-things-to-teach-a-3-year-old-need-answer-fast/624855/56 "2012-06-13T22:29:34Z")
Sooo … how’d it go? What’d the kiddo learn? 😃 ---
**Author:** ![janis\_and\_c0](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/janis_and_c0/32/21_2.png) [@janis\_and\_c0](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/janis_and_c0)\ **Post date:** [June 13, 2012, 11:13pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/obnoxious-things-to-teach-a-3-year-old-need-answer-fast/624855/57 "2012-06-13T23:13:37Z")
how about the Wal\*Mart game? Slap & clap to a rhythm. (Think Ms. Mary Mack) Then say Wal_Mart, K Mart, Wal_Mart, K Mart, Wal_Mart, K Mart, Wal_Mart, K Mart, (A little faster) Wal_Mart K mart Wal_Mart K mart Wal_Mart K mart Wal_Mart K mart (faster still) Wal_MartK martWal_MartK martWal_MartK martWal_MartK mart (really really fast) WalmartkmartwalmartkmartWalmartkmartwalmartkmartWalmartkmartwalmartkmartWalmartkmartwalmartkmart… You then smack the victim lightly in the forehead with the heel of your hand and yell " Target! " I taught my nephews this game. After all, what are Aunts for? ---
**Author:** ![Asimovian](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/asimovian/32/172_2.png) [@Asimovian](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Asimovian)\ **Post date:** [June 13, 2012, 11:29pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/obnoxious-things-to-teach-a-3-year-old-need-answer-fast/624855/58 "2012-06-13T23:29:02Z")
> [@janis\_and\_c0](#): > > how about the Wal\*Mart game? > > Slap & clap to a rhythm. (Think Ms. Mary Mack) Then say Wal_Mart, K Mart, Wal_Mart, K Mart, Wal_Mart, K Mart, Wal_Mart, K Mart, (A little faster) Wal_Mart K mart Wal_Mart K mart Wal_Mart K mart Wal_Mart K mart (faster still) Wal_MartK martWal_MartK martWal_MartK martWal_MartK mart (really really fast) WalmartkmartwalmartkmartWalmartkmartwalmartkmartWalmartkmartwalmartkmartWalmartkmartwalmartkmart.. > > You then smack the victim lightly in the forehead with the heel of your hand and yell > > " Target! " > > I taught my nephews this game. After all, what are Aunts for? This is wrong and beautiful. ---
**Author:** ![Dr.Girlfriend](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/dr.girlfriend/32/193_2.png) [@Dr.Girlfriend](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Dr.Girlfriend)\ **Post date:** [June 13, 2012, 11:37pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/obnoxious-things-to-teach-a-3-year-old-need-answer-fast/624855/59 "2012-06-13T23:37:07Z")
My boyfriend taught my 3-year-old niece to do the Mork from Ork handshake. It’s hilarious to see this little kid go up to people and say “Nanu Nanu”! ---
**Author:** ![janis\_and\_c0](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/janis_and_c0/32/21_2.png) [@janis\_and\_c0](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/janis_and_c0)\ **Post date:** [June 14, 2012, 3:02am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/obnoxious-things-to-teach-a-3-year-old-need-answer-fast/624855/60 "2012-06-14T03:02:26Z")
> [@Asimovian](#): > > This is wrong and beautiful. Thank you! 😃 [Previous page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/obnoxious-things-to-teach-a-3-year-old-need-answer-fast/624855.md?page=2) [Next page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/obnoxious-things-to-teach-a-3-year-old-need-answer-fast/624855.md?page=4)