# Of friends, favours and statutes of limitations. **URL:** \ **Category:** In My Humble Opinion\ **Created:** [October 21, 2013, 2:54pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/of-friends-favours-and-statutes-of-limitations/671822 "2013-10-21T14:54:22Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 20\ **Page:** 2
**Author:** ![YogSothoth](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/y/8edcca/32.png) [@YogSothoth](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/YogSothoth)\ **Post date:** [October 21, 2013, 4:34pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/of-friends-favours-and-statutes-of-limitations/671822/21 "2013-10-21T16:34:46Z")
Hire a voodoo priest to use bits of the wine to track down your friend by his aetherial scent ---
**Author:** ![Blaster\_Master](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/b/cab0a1/32.png) [@Blaster\_Master](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Blaster_Master)\ **Post date:** [October 21, 2013, 4:43pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/of-friends-favours-and-statutes-of-limitations/671822/22 "2013-10-21T16:43:50Z")
I’ve had a number of friends where we’ve had this sort of relationship, we’d go years without talking at a time, but we’d eventually reconnect and it is like no time has passed at all. OTOH, I do have one old friend that sort of disappeared. Well, not really, I know where he is, but the normal lines of communication haven’t worked. To be honest, I’m not sure if he’s just doing his own thing for the time being and we’ll reconnect later, or if he’s decided to cut ties. It bothered me at first, but my philosophy is that friends are in our lives as long as the friendship serves us, and then it’s time to move on. I’d love to reconnect, but I’m also okay if he’s moved on and is happy without us. So that said, I can’t say for sure, but it sounds like you need to give some thought to how the friendship lives for you. If I were in your place, I’d look at it in two ways. One, maybe he’s moved on and pretty much given up on the friendship; if that’s the case, your moral obligation is to make a reasonable attempt to get in contact with him to settle the matter of the wine. That you’ve made several attempts over more than a decade, and he hasn’t responded, I’d say that more than satisfies it and he’s essentially abandoned it. At that point, I’d say you’re fair to do with it as you deem necessary, drink it, sell it, whatever. And if he gets in contact to basically say he’s not your friend anymore, it would be unreasonable for him to expect you to continue to do something for him as a friend when he wasn’t anymore. It’s also possible that he’s somewhere else in his life right now, working on things, or embarassed to make contact, or whatever, but at some point you’ll reconnect and be friends. In that case, he ought to understand that asking a friend to hold onto something like that. At a certain period of time, it becomes an unreasonable burden for a friend to expect that and, frankly, if I were in that position, I’d have expected a friend holding onto wine like that for that long to have drank it or gotten rid of it, and I wouldn’t think any less of him. That said, you might feel like you owe him something if he reconnects, particularly if he’s in hard times, but that’s how I see friendships working. That is, with my friends, I’ll give them money if they need it, or if they give me something, I take it, but there’s no concept of who owes who what. So, in that case, if you do connect and he’s in hard times, if he’s your friend, whether or not you’ve done anything with the wine, you could give him money to help him out, if you so choose; there’s no need him needing money because he’s in hard times with you having stored wine for him. So, really, it seems to me that you should do what you feel is best with the wine. If he’s moved on, you’ll have to do something with it anyway, you might as well now and if he’s still your friend, he ought to understand if not straight up expect that you’d drink it or sell it by now. So, really, looking at all that, it seems like whether or not he’s your friend, it’s essentially your wine to do with as you see fit. So I’d say, look into it, see if it’s still good, if not, throw it out. If it is, decide whether you want to drink it, sell it, save some for the future or hold out hope a bit longer. Either way, I think you’re well past the point in the relationship, regardless of how it ultimately turns out, that any reasonable person can or should expect you to do so, and the burden of the physical reminders isn’t worth it for you either. In short, crack a bottle, have a drink to absent friends, and drink or sell the rest. ---
**Author:** ![QuickSilver](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/quicksilver/32/7832_2.png) [@QuickSilver](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/QuickSilver)\ **Post date:** [October 21, 2013, 4:45pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/of-friends-favours-and-statutes-of-limitations/671822/23 "2013-10-21T16:45:42Z")
> [@Maastricht](#): > > If _he_ really wanted something to be done with those boxes, he would have told you. Do something you don’t mind doing and stop asking him about the wine. I’ve only asked maybe a half dozen times about it over the 10 years. A couple of years ago as a joke I even threatened to start drinking the hostages - one for every month I don’t hear back from him. Nothing. I haven’t asked since. ---
**Author:** ![QuickSilver](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/quicksilver/32/7832_2.png) [@QuickSilver](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/QuickSilver)\ **Post date:** [October 21, 2013, 4:51pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/of-friends-favours-and-statutes-of-limitations/671822/24 "2013-10-21T16:51:07Z")
> [@YogSosoth](#): > > Hire a voodoo priest to use bits of the wine to track down your friend by his aetherial scent Wat?..😕 ---
**Author:** ![QuickSilver](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/quicksilver/32/7832_2.png) [@QuickSilver](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/QuickSilver)\ **Post date:** [October 21, 2013, 4:54pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/of-friends-favours-and-statutes-of-limitations/671822/25 "2013-10-21T16:54:06Z")
> [@Blaster\_Master](#): > > In short, crack a bottle, have a drink to absent friends, and drink or sell the rest. This seems a more popular opinion than I ever expected it to be. Which, for some unknown reason, surprises me. ---
**Author:** ![Telemark](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/telemark/32/372_2.png) [@Telemark](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Telemark)\ **Post date:** [October 21, 2013, 4:59pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/of-friends-favours-and-statutes-of-limitations/671822/26 "2013-10-21T16:59:14Z")
> [@QuickSilver](#): > > A couple of years ago as a joke I even threatened to start drinking the hostages - one for every month I don’t hear back from him. Nothing. There’s your answer. ---
**Author:** ![Johnny\_Bravo](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/johnny_bravo/32/493_2.png) [@Johnny\_Bravo](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Johnny_Bravo)\ **Post date:** [October 21, 2013, 5:06pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/of-friends-favours-and-statutes-of-limitations/671822/27 "2013-10-21T17:06:43Z")
Drink a bottle once a month. Take each bottle somewhere interesting. Have a few photos taken of you enjoying the wine. Each month, email him the photos along with a nice lengthy email about your life and how things are going for you. Ask him about his. Thank him for the wonderful wine. Ask him to come take it off your hands or, at the very least, to come enjoy it with you. ---
**Author:** ![QuickSilver](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/quicksilver/32/7832_2.png) [@QuickSilver](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/QuickSilver)\ **Post date:** [October 21, 2013, 5:07pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/of-friends-favours-and-statutes-of-limitations/671822/28 "2013-10-21T17:07:24Z")
> [@Telemark](#): > > There’s your answer. I very much doubt he took me seriously. Obviously. ---
**Author:** ![CarnalK](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/carnalk/32/486_2.png) [@CarnalK](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/CarnalK)\ **Post date:** [October 21, 2013, 5:12pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/of-friends-favours-and-statutes-of-limitations/671822/29 "2013-10-21T17:12:43Z")
> [@QuickSilver](#): > > Strictly out of curiosity, I think I might unpack the stuff and take an inventory and try to find out what it’s worth at this point. Wouldn’t it be awesome if I could email him telling him his wine is worth several thousand?! I’m pretty sure he could use the money. Well, if it’s 2 cases average price of $90, he spent (2X12X$90) about $2160 so keep that in mind. Still a good project to price them, imho. Another idea might be to just FedEx him a bottle or two. If you think that address is still right, he might not answer the door for people but if FedEx leaves a note saying he’s got a package it might lure him out of his shell. You can look up the trcking number to see if he got it or not. ---
**Author:** ![QuickSilver](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/quicksilver/32/7832_2.png) [@QuickSilver](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/QuickSilver)\ **Post date:** [October 21, 2013, 5:13pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/of-friends-favours-and-statutes-of-limitations/671822/30 "2013-10-21T17:13:10Z")
> [@Johnny\_Bravo](#): > > Drink a bottle once a month. Take each bottle somewhere interesting. Have a few photos taken of you enjoying the wine. Each month, email him the photos along with a nice lengthy email about your life and how things are going for you. Ask him about his. Thank him for the wonderful wine. **Ask him to come take it off your hands or, at the very least, to come enjoy it with you.** A nagging suspicion makes me wonder if he may be incarcerated or otherwise institutionalized. If so, that may explain the fact that he has limited access to email. Of course I have absolutely no evidence to support that, nor whether or not inmates are given access to email or how often. ---
**Author:** ![QuickSilver](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/quicksilver/32/7832_2.png) [@QuickSilver](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/QuickSilver)\ **Post date:** [October 21, 2013, 5:17pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/of-friends-favours-and-statutes-of-limitations/671822/31 "2013-10-21T17:17:21Z")
> [@CarnalK](#): > > Well, if it’s 2 cases average price of $90, he spent (2X12X$90) about $2160 so keep that in mind. Still a good project to price them, imho. > > Another idea might be to just FedEx him a bottle or two. If you think that address is still right, he might not answer the door for people but if FedEx leaves a note saying he’s got a package it might lure him out of his shell. You can look up the trcking number to see if he got it or not. I renewed my passports recently and it cost me $75 to ship a business envelope to Canada by FedEx. That fucking wine is going to cost me in shipping nearly as much as it cost him to buy it in the first place. :eek: ---
**Author:** ![Helena330](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/helena330/32/531_2.png) [@Helena330](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Helena330)\ **Post date:** [October 21, 2013, 6:32pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/of-friends-favours-and-statutes-of-limitations/671822/32 "2013-10-21T18:32:36Z")
You’re a good friend, Quick Silver. I don’t think it’s strange to hang onto it at all. I do like the suggestions of determining their value and if they’re still any good. Then go from there. I hope your friend is ok and turns up soon. ---
**Author:** ![lawbuff](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/l/13edae/32.png) [@lawbuff](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/lawbuff)\ **Post date:** [October 21, 2013, 6:32pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/of-friends-favours-and-statutes-of-limitations/671822/33 "2013-10-21T18:32:56Z")
> [@QuickSilver](#): > > What do I do with the wine at this point? Is there a status of limitations on this kind of thing? I don’t believe so. You can give NOTICE in writing of the intent to claim ownership by him within X amount of time, or you will claim it as ABANDONED property. Generally speaking, since you held it with no consideration, it is a gratuitous bailment, and only “slight care”, must be made to provide for it’s safety. Make demand to accept or deny. ---
**Author:** ![Telemark](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/telemark/32/372_2.png) [@Telemark](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Telemark)\ **Post date:** [October 21, 2013, 6:48pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/of-friends-favours-and-statutes-of-limitations/671822/34 "2013-10-21T18:48:23Z")
> [@QuickSilver](#): > > I very much doubt he took me seriously. Obviously. How do you know that? You know him better than anyone here but what makes you think he seriously wants you to keep the wine for him after all these years? If you really think it is so, send him another message saying this time you’re serious. I get the idea of keeping things for others; I had a box of papers in my basement for a friend for 5+ years but when I moved I told her pick them up or they’re getting tossed. She came and picked them up. Why are you allowing yourself to be held hostage by 2 cases of wine for someone who won’t even answer your emails? ---
**Author:** ![kayaker](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/kayaker/32/441_2.png) [@kayaker](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/kayaker)\ **Post date:** [October 21, 2013, 6:53pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/of-friends-favours-and-statutes-of-limitations/671822/35 "2013-10-21T18:53:44Z")
> [@Helena330](#): > > You’re a good friend, Quick Silver. I agree. A friend of mine died in 1997. Although his death was totally unexpected (cerebral aneurysm diagnosed postmortem) he talked about death a lot during his last month or so alive. He told me that if anything ever happened to him, he’d appreciate it if I would help out a woman he was friends with. Coincidentally I met the woman’s daughter recently and was able to help her out of a jam. Her mother was a little suspicious about the whole situation until I mentioned my friend’s name and told her I was doing it for him. Good friends do stuff like that. ---
**Author:** ![kayaker](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/kayaker/32/441_2.png) [@kayaker](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/kayaker)\ **Post date:** [October 21, 2013, 6:55pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/of-friends-favours-and-statutes-of-limitations/671822/36 "2013-10-21T18:55:10Z")
> [@Telemark](#): > > Why are you allowing yourself to be held hostage by 2 cases of wine for someone who won’t even answer your emails? Friends do shit like that.😉 ---
**Author:** ![Enginerd](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/e/bcef8e/32.png) [@Enginerd](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Enginerd)\ **Post date:** [October 21, 2013, 7:01pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/of-friends-favours-and-statutes-of-limitations/671822/37 "2013-10-21T19:01:18Z")
> [@Telemark](#): > > Why are you allowing yourself to be held hostage by 2 cases of wine for someone who won’t even answer your emails? I don’t get the sense that he feels like a hostage - rather, that he wants to do right by the guy and he’s trying to figure out exactly how to do that. Although I recognize that it’s not a universal thing, I agree with **kayaker** that friends do shit like that. Mine do, at least (and I do too). You know, in between all the much, _much_ dumber shit we do. ---
**Author:** ![Telemark](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/telemark/32/372_2.png) [@Telemark](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Telemark)\ **Post date:** [October 21, 2013, 7:51pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/of-friends-favours-and-statutes-of-limitations/671822/38 "2013-10-21T19:51:13Z")
> [@kayaker](#): > > Friends do shit like that.😉 Someone who leaves stuff with you for 10 years and won’t respond to your emails isn’t really a good friend. The OP is certainly a better friend, and that may be reason enough. But it’s not clear the friend actually values the wine anymore. ---
**Author:** ![Thylacine](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/thylacine/32/1143_2.png) [@Thylacine](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Thylacine)\ **Post date:** [October 21, 2013, 8:10pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/of-friends-favours-and-statutes-of-limitations/671822/39 "2013-10-21T20:10:11Z")
> [@QuickSilver](#): > > A nagging suspicion makes me wonder if he may be incarcerated or otherwise institutionalized. If so, that may explain the fact that he has limited access to email. Of course I have absolutely no evidence to support that, nor whether or not inmates are given access to email or how often. In Australian prisons there is absolutely no net access, none available to patients in psych hospitals either generally. Tried snail mail? That may get redirected to wherever he is, email won’t. Crack a bottle, enclose a pic of you toasting your friendship. ---
**Author:** ![QuickSilver](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/quicksilver/32/7832_2.png) [@QuickSilver](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/QuickSilver)\ **Post date:** [October 21, 2013, 8:49pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/of-friends-favours-and-statutes-of-limitations/671822/40 "2013-10-21T20:49:11Z")
> [@Telemark](#): > > Someone who leaves stuff with you for 10 years and won’t respond to your emails isn’t really a good friend. The OP is certainly a better friend, and that may be reason enough. But it’s not clear the friend actually values the wine anymore. Well, yeah. I can’t be certain what value he places on the wine at this point. But I do know him well and I know him to be the kind of person who’d hold a gun involved in a crime for me - not that I ever had a need for that sort of favour. Yet. So that’s why. But I wanted to give consideration to the other point of view that claimed the statute of limitations on holding some wine must have run out by now. I suspect that point of view is slightly motivated by the desire to have some of that wine before it goes completely to waste. [Previous page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/of-friends-favours-and-statutes-of-limitations/671822.md?page=1) [Next page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/of-friends-favours-and-statutes-of-limitations/671822.md?page=3)