# Offering payment to a babysitter who's a friend **URL:** \ **Category:** In My Humble Opinion\ **Created:** [August 17, 2016, 12:41am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/offering-payment-to-a-babysitter-whos-a-friend/763033 "2016-08-17T00:41:52Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 20\ **Page:** 1
**Author:** ![Left\_Hand\_of\_Dorkness](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/left_hand_of_dorkness/32/7156_2.png) [@Left\_Hand\_of\_Dorkness](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Left_Hand_of_Dorkness)\ **Post date:** [August 17, 2016, 12:41am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/offering-payment-to-a-babysitter-whos-a-friend/763033/1 "2016-08-17T00:41:52Z")
We’ve run into this situation more than once: we need a babysitter, we ask on Facebook, a friend says they’d love to watch our kids. They don’t ask for money. It may be that they expect money, and if we don’t offer they feel super-cheated. It may be that they feel insulted by any offer of payment we make, as it turns a friendly favor into a mercenary transaction. Usually I offer money but feel super-awkward doing so. How do others handle this? (Need answer fast–I need to respond to this exact situation on Facebook, as I hash out arrangements with the wonderful person who’s watching our kids in a couple of days!) ---
**Author:** ![Grrr](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/grrr/32/146_2.png) [@Grrr](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Grrr)\ **Post date:** [August 17, 2016, 12:47am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/offering-payment-to-a-babysitter-whos-a-friend/763033/2 "2016-08-17T00:47:57Z")
Do you kinow anything about the financial status of your friends? Do the have professional careers? If so, mail them a gift card with a thank you note. If they are on the lower end of the career spectrum, offer cash. That’s how I would do it anyway. I also can’t immagine anyone being terribly offended at the offer of cash. Regardless of their financial status. Grandma maybe, but not friends. ---
**Author:** ![Left\_Hand\_of\_Dorkness](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/left_hand_of_dorkness/32/7156_2.png) [@Left\_Hand\_of\_Dorkness](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Left_Hand_of_Dorkness)\ **Post date:** [August 17, 2016, 12:54am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/offering-payment-to-a-babysitter-whos-a-friend/763033/3 "2016-08-17T00:54:52Z")
How would you phrase it? 1. “As to rates, does $10/hour sound fair to you?” 2. “How can we compensate you?” 3. “What would be a fair charge for your babysitting?” 4. Hand her an envelope with $60 in it. 5. Something else. ---
**Author:** ![delphica](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/d/e9a140/32.png) [@delphica](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/delphica)\ **Post date:** [August 17, 2016, 1:08am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/offering-payment-to-a-babysitter-whos-a-friend/763033/4 "2016-08-17T01:08:43Z")
I would have the cash on hand to give the person at the end of the evening, and act as if OF COURSE I am paying for baby-sitting. The amount would be what I usually pay per hour for a sitter (if you don’t have a regular sitter, ask other parents what the going rate in your area is). I would make it as matter-of-fact as possible, with my script being something like: “Thank you so much, I hope the kids were not too much trouble for you” as you are handing over the cash. Depending on the friend, and the nature of the relationship, you will have to decide on the fly how much back-and-forth you are willing to do if the friend says “oh no, I couldn’t possibly, it was a _pleasure_ to have the Dorklings!” You could possibly add in “but we would have paid our regular sitter\*, and it was _so much_ more reassuring to know they were with such a good friend.” \*you can say this even if you don’t have a regular sitter, that’s not the point If the friend is really refusing, then you send the thank you note with a gift card to whatever would be appropriate for that person – Amazon, possibly, but something more personal if you know they have a particular store that they like. One exception would be if this person also has small kids, in which case you can set up a trade for a baby-sitting night for them. ---
**Author:** ![TriPolar](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/tripolar/32/3008_2.png) [@TriPolar](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/TriPolar)\ **Post date:** [August 17, 2016, 1:18am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/offering-payment-to-a-babysitter-whos-a-friend/763033/5 "2016-08-17T01:18:12Z")
> [@delphica](#): > > If the friend is really refusing, then you send the thank you note with a gift card to whatever would be appropriate for that person – Amazon, possibly, but something more personal if you know they have a particular store that they like. This is good. Repay a gift with a gift. ---
**Author:** ![Left\_Hand\_of\_Dorkness](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/left_hand_of_dorkness/32/7156_2.png) [@Left\_Hand\_of\_Dorkness](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Left_Hand_of_Dorkness)\ **Post date:** [August 17, 2016, 4:21am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/offering-payment-to-a-babysitter-whos-a-friend/763033/6 "2016-08-17T04:21:56Z")
I sent a simple–“By the way, what do we owe you?” and got “nothing!” so I’ll go with the gift card. I think maybe I was overthinking this :). ---
**Author:** ![PastTense](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/pasttense/32/14550_2.png) [@PastTense](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/PastTense)\ **Post date:** [August 17, 2016, 4:43am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/offering-payment-to-a-babysitter-whos-a-friend/763033/7 "2016-08-17T04:43:32Z")
There are two basic ways of dealing with friends providing services: 1. cash. 2. reciprocity. So the question is what have you done in the way of providing services for this friend? Did you spend several hours diagnosing computer problems, repairing their car, helping them move? ---
**Author:** ![Jake\_Jones](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/j/e0b2c6/32.png) [@Jake\_Jones](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Jake_Jones)\ **Post date:** [August 17, 2016, 5:28am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/offering-payment-to-a-babysitter-whos-a-friend/763033/8 "2016-08-17T05:28:11Z")
> [@Left\_Hand\_of\_Dorkness](#): > > I sent a simple–“By the way, what do we owe you?” and got “nothing!” so I’ll go with the gift card. I think maybe I was overthinking this :). I would even be wary of this. A gift card is essentially the same as monetary compensation. This is a friend that obviously cares about about your family. I think an invitation to a family dinner would be better received. Maybe spend what you would on a gift card for a more upscale meal than typical, but someone who doesn’t want to be paid for watching your children isn’t going to be fooled by a gift card. ---
**Author:** ![thelurkinghorror](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/t/7c8e57/32.png) [@thelurkinghorror](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/thelurkinghorror)\ **Post date:** [August 17, 2016, 6:41am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/offering-payment-to-a-babysitter-whos-a-friend/763033/9 "2016-08-17T06:41:09Z")
If they’re good friends and not acquaintances, wine or a growler solves all. If your friends don’t drink wine or beer, you should probably find new friends. After you get your kid(s) back, of course. ---
**Author:** ![MrDibble](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/mrdibble/32/114_2.png) [@MrDibble](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/MrDibble)\ **Post date:** [August 17, 2016, 8:19am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/offering-payment-to-a-babysitter-whos-a-friend/763033/10 "2016-08-17T08:19:12Z")
It totally depends on how much work is involved, for me. Watch premium TV while my kids are both asleep? A bottle of wine/box of chocolates. Actually have to interact with my kids for a few hours? Same rates as the professionals, cash money. This has come up many times with good friends, no-one’s ever turned down the money or complained out loud (and my friends would!). ---
**Author:** ![Arrogance\_Ex\_Machina](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/arrogance_ex_machina/32/192_2.png) [@Arrogance\_Ex\_Machina](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Arrogance_Ex_Machina)\ **Post date:** [August 17, 2016, 10:45am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/offering-payment-to-a-babysitter-whos-a-friend/763033/11 "2016-08-17T10:45:33Z")
> [@Left\_Hand\_of\_Dorkness](#): > > I sent a simple–“By the way, what do we owe you?” and got “nothing!” so I’ll go with the gift card. I think maybe I was overthinking this :). Putting it like this places the burden of looking greedy on your friend - I’m pretty poor and can really use cash but if somebody asked like that I’d probably not ask for money. **delphica** ’s approach to the payment seems perfect to me. ---
**Author:** ![Count\_Blucher](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/c/c5a1d2/32.png) [@Count\_Blucher](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Count_Blucher)\ **Post date:** [August 17, 2016, 10:55am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/offering-payment-to-a-babysitter-whos-a-friend/763033/12 "2016-08-17T10:55:33Z")
Offerred as suggestions not mentioned prior: Gift Basket? Take them to a Really nice restaurant & make sure you get the check? ---
**Author:** ![Doctor\_Jackson](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/doctor_jackson/32/32_2.png) [@Doctor\_Jackson](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Doctor_Jackson)\ **Post date:** [August 17, 2016, 7:02pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/offering-payment-to-a-babysitter-whos-a-friend/763033/13 "2016-08-17T19:02:03Z")
> [@Count\_Blucher](#): > > Offerred as suggestions not mentioned prior: > > Gift Basket? And [here](https://www.google.com/search?q=longaberger+basket+building&rlz=1C2CHFX_enUS688&biw=1920&bih=1075&tbm=isch&imgil=3J3YrJLUBxqQ_M%253A%253BjoNEWubniqKnnM%253Bhttps%25253A%25252F%25252Fen.wikipedia.org%25252Fwiki%25252FThe_Longaberger_Company&source=iu&pf=m&fir=3J3YrJLUBxqQ_M%253A%252CjoNEWubniqKnnM%252C_&usg=__H04xeh426pW90ZJ-siCHtlKN6MI%3D&ved=0ahUKEwjJgrLCkcnOAhUDax4KHcvRD-sQyjcIJw&ei=krS0V8nxDoPWecujv9gO#imgrc=3J3YrJLUBxqQ_M%3A) is the perfect one! ---
**Author:** ![DrDeth](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/d/b487fb/32.png) [@DrDeth](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/DrDeth)\ **Post date:** [August 17, 2016, 7:13pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/offering-payment-to-a-babysitter-whos-a-friend/763033/14 "2016-08-17T19:13:30Z")
> [@Left\_Hand\_of\_Dorkness](#): > > How would you phrase it? > > 1. “As to rates, does $10/hour sound fair to you?” > 2. “How can we compensate you?” > 3. “What would be a fair charge for your babysitting?” > 4. Hand her an envelope with $60 in it. > 5. Something else. 2 or 3. 3 is best. ---
**Author:** ![thelurkinghorror](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/t/7c8e57/32.png) [@thelurkinghorror](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/thelurkinghorror)\ **Post date:** [August 17, 2016, 7:50pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/offering-payment-to-a-babysitter-whos-a-friend/763033/15 "2016-08-17T19:50:33Z")
> [@Doctor\_Jackson](#): > > And [here](https://www.google.com/search?q=longaberger+basket+building&rlz=1C2CHFX_enUS688&biw=1920&bih=1075&tbm=isch&imgil=3J3YrJLUBxqQ_M%253A%253BjoNEWubniqKnnM%253Bhttps%25253A%25252F%25252Fen.wikipedia.org%25252Fwiki%25252FThe_Longaberger_Company&source=iu&pf=m&fir=3J3YrJLUBxqQ_M%253A%252CjoNEWubniqKnnM%252C_&usg=__H04xeh426pW90ZJ-siCHtlKN6MI%3D&ved=0ahUKEwjJgrLCkcnOAhUDax4KHcvRD-sQyjcIJw&ei=krS0V8nxDoPWecujv9gO#imgrc=3J3YrJLUBxqQ_M%3A) is the perfect one! [And it actually is for sale](http://www.kansascity.com/news/nation-world/national/article89339292.html)! ---
**Author:** ![Pai325](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/p/c68b51/32.png) [@Pai325](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Pai325)\ **Post date:** [August 17, 2016, 8:51pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/offering-payment-to-a-babysitter-whos-a-friend/763033/16 "2016-08-17T20:51:11Z")
I used to laugh and just say, “Take it and donate it to your favorite charity then.” They used to smile at that and take the cash. ---
**Author:** ![Left\_Hand\_of\_Dorkness](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/left_hand_of_dorkness/32/7156_2.png) [@Left\_Hand\_of\_Dorkness](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Left_Hand_of_Dorkness)\ **Post date:** [August 17, 2016, 9:26pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/offering-payment-to-a-babysitter-whos-a-friend/763033/17 "2016-08-17T21:26:12Z")
Ended up getting her a fifth of Woodford Reserve, a really good bourbon (after checking that she drinks). ---
**Author:** ![joyfool](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/j/df788c/32.png) [@joyfool](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/joyfool)\ **Post date:** [August 17, 2016, 11:30pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/offering-payment-to-a-babysitter-whos-a-friend/763033/18 "2016-08-17T23:30:49Z")
Do you need any more babysitting done? ---
**Author:** ![Left\_Hand\_of\_Dorkness](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/left_hand_of_dorkness/32/7156_2.png) [@Left\_Hand\_of\_Dorkness](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Left_Hand_of_Dorkness)\ **Post date:** [August 18, 2016, 12:27am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/offering-payment-to-a-babysitter-whos-a-friend/763033/19 "2016-08-18T00:27:13Z")
> [@faithfool](#): > > Do you need any more babysitting done? Always–but don’t open the bourbon until you get home, or until noon, whichever comes first. ---
**Author:** ![wonky](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/wonky/32/393_2.png) [@wonky](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/wonky)\ **Post date:** [August 18, 2016, 12:38am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/offering-payment-to-a-babysitter-whos-a-friend/763033/20 "2016-08-18T00:38:46Z")
> [@Arrogance\_Ex\_Machina](#): > > Putting it like this places the burden of looking greedy on your friend - I’m pretty poor and can really use cash but if somebody asked like that I’d probably not ask for money. **delphica** ’s approach to the payment seems perfect to me. Agreed. I’d say to avoid saying something like “What do we owe you?” I’d phrase it more like delphica’s great suggestions. I would tend to put it up front in a jokey serious way. “No babysitter leaves this house unpaid, so if you don’t want cash, you’d better know the name of your favorite scotch. OR ELSE.” [Next page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/offering-payment-to-a-babysitter-whos-a-friend/763033.md?page=2)