# Offers You Are Not Supposed to Take (relationship advice needed) **URL:** \ **Category:** In My Humble Opinion\ **Created:** [May 24, 2005, 3:47pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/offers-you-are-not-supposed-to-take-relationship-advice-needed/305266 "2005-05-24T15:47:06Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 20\ **Page:** 2
**Author:** ![badbadrubberpiggy](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/b/57b2e6/32.png) [@badbadrubberpiggy](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/badbadrubberpiggy)\ **Post date:** [May 24, 2005, 7:32pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/offers-you-are-not-supposed-to-take-relationship-advice-needed/305266/21 "2005-05-24T19:32:57Z")
> [@msmith537](#): > > The problem is that EVERY woman, if left unchecked will eventually turn “you” and “her” into a “we”. They will resent any activity you do that does not involve her because she cares so much she doesn’t want to be without you and can’t imagine how you can be without her. Soon you will have nothing that is just “yours”. She’ll hate your favorite chair, the fact you go golfing every Sunday, she’ll either always want to come out with you and your friends or she’ll forbid you to go at all. Wow. ---
**Author:** ![Syntropy](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/65b543/32.png) [@Syntropy](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Syntropy)\ **Post date:** [May 24, 2005, 7:34pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/offers-you-are-not-supposed-to-take-relationship-advice-needed/305266/22 "2005-05-24T19:34:31Z")
> [@badbadrubberpiggy](#): > > Wow. That was actually pretty restrained when it comes to **msmith** and his opinions about women. ---
**Author:** ![Cat\_Whisperer](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/cat_whisperer/32/4839_2.png) [@Cat\_Whisperer](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Cat_Whisperer)\ **Post date:** [May 24, 2005, 7:36pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/offers-you-are-not-supposed-to-take-relationship-advice-needed/305266/23 "2005-05-24T19:36:49Z")
I have to agree with everyone here; you teach people how you expect them to treat you, and your girlfriend needs to show a little more respect for you, **HSHP**. There is a stereotype that all women do what your gf is doing (i.e. telling you to go, then getting mad when you actually go), but real women don’t pull that shit. Spoiled little girls do, however. For the record, it sounds funny to me when you talk about going to Canada. Any specific part, or just Canada in general? ---
**Author:** ![Cat\_Whisperer](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/cat_whisperer/32/4839_2.png) [@Cat\_Whisperer](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Cat_Whisperer)\ **Post date:** [May 24, 2005, 7:38pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/offers-you-are-not-supposed-to-take-relationship-advice-needed/305266/24 "2005-05-24T19:38:30Z")
See **msmith’s** post regarding the stereotypes I mentioned about women. :rolleyes: ---
**Author:** ![Silver\_Fire](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/a88e4f/32.png) [@Silver\_Fire](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Silver_Fire)\ **Post date:** [May 24, 2005, 7:44pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/offers-you-are-not-supposed-to-take-relationship-advice-needed/305266/25 "2005-05-24T19:44:53Z")
> [@Happy Scrappy Hero Pup](#): > > “what should I do?” Run, for fuck’s sake! What’s the question? She’s manipulative, she’s clingy and needy… she’s **manipulative**. I didn’t even need to finish your OP (I did anyway); as soon as I got to the part about her offering to let you go to Canada instead of Sheila’s wedding, the bells in my head started clanging so loud my dog started barking and I said to myself, “Ooh, a test! I hope he studied.” RUN. RUN. RUN. ---
**Author:** ![Anaamika](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/a/5f9b8f/32.png) [@Anaamika](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Anaamika)\ **Post date:** [May 24, 2005, 7:55pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/offers-you-are-not-supposed-to-take-relationship-advice-needed/305266/26 "2005-05-24T19:55:12Z")
> [@Orual](#): > > Um… Boston is north of New York city. It’s closer to Montreal. Not a lot, though. I still don’t see why girlfriend can’t come to his house, leave her car there, and then he drive the car up. So he doesn’t have to do quite as much driving. > [@lachesis](#): > > if you’re making the sacrifice of time and money (taking off work) to attend a wedding just to make her happy, why can’t she meet you half-way, as it were – like getting her own ass up to NY, where you can _both_ head to Montreal from there? On the whole, I don’t get it. I’d not ask my boyfriend to drive 1100 + miles in a weekend for someone else’s wedding. I simply wouldn’t, ever. I might ask him to drive a long way to come and see me, not go elsewhere and spend time with other people. I don’t get this either: > [@Happy Scrappy Hero Pup](#): > > There’s a wedding in Montreal (where she’s from originally), one of her closest friends from primary school, on Sunday June 3rd. > (snip) > especially since she likes almost no one else at the wedding and I don’t want her to be alone One of her “closest friend’s” wedding and she doesn’t like anyone there? Color me :dubious: The whole thing sounds manipulative. Give up your entire weekend, sit your ass in a car for three days, take off time from work, and go to a wedding of someone you don’t even know. And I’ll let you go to your trip. Oh, wait, but I actually won’t, I’ll guilt you into not going. ---
**Author:** ![QuickSilver](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/quicksilver/32/7832_2.png) [@QuickSilver](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/QuickSilver)\ **Post date:** [May 24, 2005, 8:11pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/offers-you-are-not-supposed-to-take-relationship-advice-needed/305266/27 "2005-05-24T20:11:52Z")
Nothing to add as largely agree with the things people posted so far. But this: > [@](#): > > **HSHP** wrote: > So she responded with (and, while some of it is cultural/unintentional, some of it was quite premeditated) a barrage of guilt coupled with proposals of how I could make the trip and still only miss half a day of work. So. You’re dating a JAP. How’s that working out for you? 🙂 ---
**Author:** ![The\_Weird\_One](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/t/7bcc69/32.png) [@The\_Weird\_One](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/The_Weird_One)\ **Post date:** [May 24, 2005, 8:38pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/offers-you-are-not-supposed-to-take-relationship-advice-needed/305266/28 "2005-05-24T20:38:10Z")
> [@msmith537](#): > > The problem is that EVERY woman, if left unchecked will eventually turn “you” and “her” into a “we”. They will resent any activity you do that does not involve her because she cares so much she doesn’t want to be without you and can’t imagine how you can be without her. Soon you will have nothing that is just “yours”. She’ll hate your favorite chair, the fact you go golfing every Sunday, she’ll either always want to come out with you and your friends or she’ll forbid you to go at all. And if EVERY man said shit like that, my knuckles would be reduced to a bloody pulp by now. ---
**Author:** ![Tastes\_of\_Chocolate](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/tastes_of_chocolate/32/3232_2.png) [@Tastes\_of\_Chocolate](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Tastes_of_Chocolate)\ **Post date:** [May 24, 2005, 8:40pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/offers-you-are-not-supposed-to-take-relationship-advice-needed/305266/29 "2005-05-24T20:40:39Z")
> [@msmith537](#): > > The problem is that EVERY woman, if left unchecked will eventually turn “you” and “her” into a “we”. They will resent any activity you do that does not involve her because she cares so much she doesn’t want to be without you and can’t imagine how you can be without her. Soon you will have nothing that is just “yours”. She’ll hate your favorite chair, the fact you go golfing every Sunday, she’ll either always want to come out with you and your friends or she’ll forbid you to go at all. All I can say is, I’m glad I don’t live in your world. That’s just sad. ---
**Author:** ![Campion](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/c/4491bb/32.png) [@Campion](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Campion)\ **Post date:** [May 24, 2005, 9:09pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/offers-you-are-not-supposed-to-take-relationship-advice-needed/305266/30 "2005-05-24T21:09:41Z")
> [@msmith537](#): > > The problem is that EVERY woman, if left unchecked will eventually turn “you” and “her” into a “we”. They will resent any activity you do that does not involve her because she cares so much she doesn’t want to be without you and can’t imagine how you can be without her. Soon you will have nothing that is just “yours”. She’ll hate your favorite chair, the fact you go golfing every Sunday, she’ll either always want to come out with you and your friends or she’ll forbid you to go at all. An attitude like that is a self-fulfilling prophecy. Because if you come near an independent woman with a suitcase like that, she’ll send you right back out to the train station to catch the next ride heading out of town. I know I would. ---
**Author:** ![ratatoskK](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/ratatoskk/32/2987_2.png) [@ratatoskK](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/ratatoskK)\ **Post date:** [May 24, 2005, 9:18pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/offers-you-are-not-supposed-to-take-relationship-advice-needed/305266/31 "2005-05-24T21:18:34Z")
Dump her. ---
**Author:** ![AngelicGemma](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/a/439d5e/32.png) [@AngelicGemma](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/AngelicGemma)\ **Post date:** [May 24, 2005, 9:19pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/offers-you-are-not-supposed-to-take-relationship-advice-needed/305266/32 "2005-05-24T21:19:06Z")
> [@msmith537](#): > > The problem is that EVERY woman… Yes. EVERY woman is exactly the same. We’re all out to change you, as we are all clingy and desperate. :rolleyes: Moron. ---
**Author:** ![Giraffe](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/giraffe/32/129_2.png) [@Giraffe](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Giraffe)\ **Post date:** [May 24, 2005, 9:25pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/offers-you-are-not-supposed-to-take-relationship-advice-needed/305266/33 "2005-05-24T21:25:53Z")
> [@AngelicGemma](#): > > Yes. EVERY woman is exactly the same. We’re all out to change you, as we are all clingy and desperate. :rolleyes: Moron. **AngelicGemma** , personal insults are not allowed outside of the Pit. Please don’t do it again. ---
**Author:** ![aruvqan](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/aruvqan/32/2891_2.png) [@aruvqan](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/aruvqan)\ **Post date:** [May 24, 2005, 9:28pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/offers-you-are-not-supposed-to-take-relationship-advice-needed/305266/34 "2005-05-24T21:28:40Z")
> [@Giraffe](#): > > In my opinion, here’s how all conversation regarding Sheila’s wedding should have gone: > > GF: “Hey, my friend Sheila is getting married on June X. Are you free to accompany me to her wedding? I’d really love it if we could go together.” > > You: “Oh, man, I already have plans that weekend to go to Canada with [friends X, Y, and Z]. That’s too bad – I would have loved to have been your date.” > > End of discussion. > > The idea that she can grant you permission to have plans of your own is ludicrous. It’s perfectly reasonable for her to be disappointed that you’re not available, but to try to emotionally blackmail you into doing what she wants without regard for what you want is shitty. Speaking as a female, that is _exactly_ the way to handle it. Every person is allowed to have a life and friends of their own, even dating/committed/married ones. If this buddy weekend is a tradition, go to the buddy weekend. Shiela is _her_ friend, and is the shorter of relationships, and this is the last chance for this type of buddy weekend since after you get out of school, the group of buddies will have undergone a change, new jobs [possibly scattered across the country] and this buddy weekend tradition will need closure. Last year you all made plans to do it again this year. The plans are _older_ than the wedding invite. Those plans have dated precedence. She will have to learn that even if you both are in a relationship, you each have your own circle of pre-existing friends and committments/traditions and if there isnt to be a whole heap of resentment going on, then accommodations _have_ to be made. I would be willing to bet that if you suggested she give up a girls traditional weekend to go a barely-known friend of yours’ wedding, she would get all bent out of shape. I know my brothers exwife #1 made me fly back from washington dc 1 day early and miss a seminar to go to the freaking wedding rehersal, and when my brother suggested that they move the rehersal and dinner to sunday evening [when I would be home normally] she got bent because it was her monthly girly movie thang…and she made me wear a peptobismal pink flowered organza mostrosity of a bridesmaid gown, and she made this little blond who would have looked perfect in it wear a pale moss green that made her look like something out of night of the living dead…when switiching the dress colors would have changed absolutely nothing about the wedding arrangements, and made 2 of her birdesmaids way happier to be standing up in a church for a 2 hour freaking wierdass fundie of some fruitflavor of the month ceremony full of nonsense fire and brimstone go to hell for ever no matter what sermonizing. Did I mention I absolutely HATED Janice for the entire time Dan had been dating her? Only GF of his I actually had any form of dislike for in the slightest, I have absolutely no idea what he saw in her. All his others were better looking, had good jobs and were sweethearts… ---
**Author:** ![Syntropy](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/65b543/32.png) [@Syntropy](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Syntropy)\ **Post date:** [May 24, 2005, 9:31pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/offers-you-are-not-supposed-to-take-relationship-advice-needed/305266/35 "2005-05-24T21:31:41Z")
> [@AngelicGemma](#): > > Yes. EVERY woman is exactly the same. We’re all out to change you, as we are all clingy and desperate. :rolleyes: Moron. Yeah, [I’ve had about enough, too](http://boards.straightdope.com/sdmb/showthread.php?p=6192403#post6192403) ---
**Author:** ![Happy\_Scrappy\_Hero\_Pup](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/h/ea5d25/32.png) [@Happy\_Scrappy\_Hero\_Pup](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Happy_Scrappy_Hero_Pup)\ **Post date:** [May 24, 2005, 10:04pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/offers-you-are-not-supposed-to-take-relationship-advice-needed/305266/36 "2005-05-24T22:04:07Z")
OK, fine, **msmith’s** comments are hereby given consideration commensurate with his background. End hijack. I need help on how exactly to phrase my conversation with her that is basically going to say, “I am going to Canada, in keeping with my plans and your suggestion, and, while I appreciate that Sheila’s wedding is important to you, I also appreciate that, at one point, you recognized the importance of Canada to me and I expect you to remember that when deciding whether or not to keep picking at this subject with me.” ---
**Author:** ![Dag\_Otto](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/d/439d5e/32.png) [@Dag\_Otto](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Dag_Otto)\ **Post date:** [May 24, 2005, 10:08pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/offers-you-are-not-supposed-to-take-relationship-advice-needed/305266/37 "2005-05-24T22:08:22Z")
> [@Happy Scrappy Hero Pup](#): > > She has certainly demonstrated her feelings more intensely than I have, having dropped the L-bomb twice, most recently this past Saturday. L-bomb? Let me guess. Leash, right? I say go to the June 3rd wedding in Montreal and start hitting on the single gals there. Arrange your own transportation back to NYC and let current girlfriend drive back to Boston alone. (aka being a bigger jerk than her). Better yet, just don’t go to Montreal at all, and don’t go to Boston either. ---
**Author:** ![Syntropy](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/65b543/32.png) [@Syntropy](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Syntropy)\ **Post date:** [May 24, 2005, 10:17pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/offers-you-are-not-supposed-to-take-relationship-advice-needed/305266/38 "2005-05-24T22:17:51Z")
> [@Happy Scrappy Hero Pup](#): > > I need help on how exactly to phrase my conversation with her that is basically going to say, “I am going to Canada, in keeping with my plans and your suggestion, and, while I appreciate that Sheila’s wedding is important to you, I also appreciate that, at one point, you recognized the importance of Canada to me and I expect you to remember that _when deciding whether or not to keep picking at this subject with me._” Keep everything before the italics, and insert the word “now” instead. ---
**Author:** ![Syntropy](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/65b543/32.png) [@Syntropy](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Syntropy)\ **Post date:** [May 24, 2005, 10:19pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/offers-you-are-not-supposed-to-take-relationship-advice-needed/305266/39 "2005-05-24T22:19:16Z")
Frag. Everything prior to “…when deciding whether or not to keep picking at this subject with me.” :rolleyes: ---
**Author:** ![FinnAgain](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/finnagain/32/12500_2.png) [@FinnAgain](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/FinnAgain)\ **Post date:** [May 24, 2005, 10:19pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/offers-you-are-not-supposed-to-take-relationship-advice-needed/305266/40 "2005-05-24T22:19:19Z")
> [@Giraffe](#): > > Your girlfriend can’t take advantage of you if you don’t act like a doormat. My old Yiddish gramma had a saying: “Nobody can walk all over you unless you lie down for them first.” As for the OP, you have to put your foot down. Personally, I’d break up with a girl like that, but it’s your choice of course… hell, screw that noise [advice]Break up with her. Do it now. She doesn’t respect your personal space, she doesn’t respect your individuality, and she uses unfair ‘fighting’ tactics in order to manipulate you and get what she wants. Chances are, things will get a whole lot worse before they get better. [/advice] > [@HSHP](#): > > I need help on how exactly to phrase my conversation with her that is basically going to say, “I am going to Canada, in keeping with my plans and your suggestion, and, while I appreciate that Sheila’s wedding is important to you, I also appreciate that, at one point, you recognized the importance of Canada to me and I expect you to remember that when deciding whether or not to keep picking at this subject with me.” How about… “I’m going to Canada, it’s a tradition and this is going to be my last chance. You already agreed to this, and quite frankly I don’t need your permission to go visit my friends in any case. I would’ve loved to go to the wedding with you, but as it conflicts with my long standing tradition, and as this friend isn’t someone I really know anyways, I’m going to Canada.” Don’t take any guff from those swine! 😉 [Previous page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/offers-you-are-not-supposed-to-take-relationship-advice-needed/305266.md?page=1) [Next page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/offers-you-are-not-supposed-to-take-relationship-advice-needed/305266.md?page=3)